Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

May 3, 2019

@giotto Great posts, thank you. You seem to be zeroing in on an actual practical approach that accounts for my overlapping and sometimes conflicting priorities.

Sometimes I think I should leave now since I turn 50 soon and life is too short to remain in an unfulfilling marriage even if I do love my wife. But, all factors considered, would this really be a life improvement for me and my family? It's far from clear.

May 3, 2019

I have been in your exact situation - apart from my wife telling me the reasons - so I had to rationalise it and decide the right course of action, for myself, my wife and our children.

I'm telling you to wait because this is what I have done. It hasn't solved the problem, but the total lack of sex has only been fairly recent - last 16 months. We did have problems before, but I had decided to wait until the youngest was 18. She is now. For some reason - probably on purpose - the withdrawing of sex has coincided with my youngest approaching that age.

Yes, you are only 49, but you will be my age (55) when your daughter is 18. You seem to have a fine marriage, apart from the lack of sex. I didn't. We didn't argue, but I completely detached towards the end. To me, intimacy and marriage are closely intertwined and I lost the connection.

Step back a bit and let it calm down. See what happens. Didn't work for me, but at least, if you divorce, you can do that with a clear conscience.

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 3, 2019

@giotto Solid advice. Thanks! I think it’s important not to blame my wife for things beyond her control. I just need her to take our marriage and sex life seriously—talk about it thoroughly and seek solutions and common ground. Marriages are a lot like vehicles. They need continuous maintenance to run well and not deteriorate.

I'm going to give it my best shot.

May 3, 2019

Sometimes I think I should leave now since I turn 50 soon and life is too short to remain in an unfulfilling marriage even if I do love my wife. But, all factors considered, would this really be a life improvement for me and my family? It's far from clear.

I think you need more time to reflect too. Reflect on yourself, your wife, and your marriage.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you also begin to reflect on whether or not you'll be happier as a single person. What would you be expecting if and after you leave? Would you be happy alone or would you be looking for love again? How would you fair in the very competitive world of singles dating today? Where would you fit into that? What would your expectations be of what kind of ladies you want vs. what you can get? Think about all the possibilities and try to figure out where it would fall. Spend some time reading and learning about what it's like in the dating world, especially as a 50+ yo single.

I have been in your exact situation - apart from my wife telling me the reasons - so I had to rationalise it and decide the right course of action, for myself, my wife and our children.

I'm sorry, I haven't followed your story, but have you left yet?

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 3, 2019

Spend some time reading and learning about what it's like in the dating world, especially as a 50+ yo single.

This is a good point.

May 3, 2019

I'm sorry, I haven't followed your story, but have you left yet?

No... we will be officially separating in September.

May 3, 2019

No... we will be officially separating in September.

We shall see.

May 3, 2019

Rotaglia, I think you overthink things quite a bit, which is probably leading to your inner conflict about what to do in your situation.

It has no been almost two years since the intimacy rug was pulled out from under your feet and you are no closer to making a decision about how to move forward with your marriage. Here are my sincere observations (with no smarta$$ed remarks.)

1. You’ve been to counseling. Do you feel like you have benefited from that yourself, regardless of the fact that your wife won’t join you? Seeking therapy was a good step and I hope it has helped you.

2. You started a new job that you seem to enjoy. That’s a positive.

3. You still seem to have a decent rapport with your wife despite the lack of intimacy and you have made it clear that you love her. Can you really picture your life without her in it on a daily basis? True compatibility and loyal companionship are not coming by easily, trust me on that.

These are all positives and, in my opinion, valid reasons to STAY MARRIED. No one knows the future. Heaven forbid, what if you develop some medical condition that leaves you impotent in the future and leaving your wife for lack of sex was all for naught?

If I were you, I would commit to stop overthinking things. Try to live in the moment. Stop obsessing over the lack of intimacy. You don't know what lead to the immediate withdrawal of intimacy. How do you know it won't be reinstated just as quickly?

Finally, has your therapist discussed the possible reasons why your wife will not communicate with you and suggested how to handle that?

I've told you from day one, staying married is always a better option than divorce if you can keep some semblance of a harmonious household for your child.

Edited May 3, 2019 by vla1120

May 3, 2019

We shall see.

That's the plan... it's matter of logistics. But you did follow my thread...

May 3, 2019

I've told you from day one, staying married is always a better option than divorce if you can keep some semblance of a harmonious household for your child.

He is annoyed because his wife is not telling him exactly why she has withdrawn sex. If she did, then he could rationalise it, reflect on it and take an informed decision. He resents the way she is treating him, which is fair enough, IMO, regardless of what she has done for him in the past.

May 3, 2019

I just need her to take our marriage and sex life seriously—talk about it thoroughly and seek solutions and common ground.

I stopped following this thread long ago, but it amazes me that 1509 posts in, you won't accept the truth - this is her taking your marriage and sex life seriously.. After looking at all the parameters - you, family, work, outside relationships, her health and libido and attraction to you - this is her solution.

Either accept it and hang in there for your child's sake, as Giotto has, or separate and divorce. After 100 pages, those are still your choices...

Mr. Lucky

May 3, 2019

That's the plan... it's matter of logistics. But you did follow my thread...

I'm sorry, there are so many threads like this.

May 3, 2019

You still seem to have a decent rapport with your wife despite the lack of intimacy and you have made it clear that you love her. Can you really picture your life without her in it on a daily basis? True compatibility and loyal companionship are not coming by easily, trust me on that.

More than merely decent. That's why we still love each other and why I still care about her and why I believe the marriage is worth preserving.

However, I still would like my wife to welcome my sexuality back into the marriage in some form. I made it quite clear that a sexless marriage (regardless of whether it is "reality" or not) is objectionable to me. That said, lots of middle-aged couples have difficulty with sex, but perhaps there is some sexual common ground that remains unexplored because of her squeamishness and general tendency toward non-disclosure.

I get that she is tired. I get that has low libido. But resigning from sex is not good for the marriage. I don't just miss what sex does for me, I miss what it does for us, and what it used to do for her.

May 3, 2019

I'm sorry, there are so many threads like this.

yes, unfortunately...

May 3, 2019

That said, lots of middle-aged couples have difficulty with sex, but perhaps there is some sexual common ground that remains unexplored because of her squeamishness and general tendency toward non-disclosure.

Dude, this isn't haggling over the undercoating price with a car salesman. It's sex. If she doesn't want to have sex with you at all, then I highly doubt you're going to negotiate your way into some odd sexual agreement that you're both satisfied with.

The crux of the matter is that you view the state of affairs as unacceptable. She doesn't. You keep approaching this as though you're both in agreement that there's a problem and it's just a matter of cracking the code and figuring out a solution.

May 3, 2019

She is, in a way. Because she refuses to state the reason. Hinting and crying won't do. She might think the reason is clear, but obviously it's not clear to the OP. Both should do the right thing: the wife should tell him in very clear terms why she is withdrawing sex, and the OP then should take his informed decision. Stay or go.

I don't believe for a moment that she hasn't stated the reason. I just think the reason is likely that she doesn't feel it anymore and he cannot accept that. With all these pages of posts you can see how he just goes in circles and goes in denial and simply doesn't accept things so I think it's safe to assume that she has told him why and that he just doesn't accept it. I think the reason why is because she doesn't want to and isn't feeling it and I think he probably knows the reasons why that is too. he just doesn't think there's a good enough reason to stop having sex with him.

May 3, 2019

Nah, it’s just his basic disrespect and disregard for what his wife laid out as her terms.

She isn’t doing it.

Accept that!

I’m not saying what she’s doing is right - I’m just saying you are completely disrespecting her by wanting her to do what she said she isn’t doing anymore.

Very true. If this were something she had told you a couple months ago, I would understand still being unwilling to fully believe that it can't be fixed.

But it's been nearly two years. I understand why the OP is hanging on to hope, but logically, if someone told you something was going to be a certain way from then on, then followed it up with two years of behavior that backed up that statement, you would probably realize at some point that they meant what they said.

May 3, 2019

I don't believe for a moment that she hasn't stated the reason.

I'm dying to know it! It's all assumptions...

May 3, 2019

I'm of the mind that after nearly two years, it doesn't really matter if she's told him or not. I think the damage has been done. Even if, by some cosmic miracle, OP's wife has sex with him again, how likely is it that there won't be additional issues cropping up?

Sex with someone who's had to be negotiated into it is probably going to be... awkward at best.

May 3, 2019

Folks, you are missing the fact that my wife has not had the full and honest conversation that is necessary in this marriage. Of course she has the right to retire 100% from sex — consent is ALWAYS a 100% requirement for any sexual activity and that's not in dispute. She does not owe me sex; however, sexlessness is harmful to the marriage and she needs to recognize that. It makes me unhappy and I'll bet on some level it is not what she would ideally want either, howls of protest from the apparently omniscient folks on LS (I do not mean to attack anyone ad hominem with that) notwithstanding.

In a discussion like this, she might discover something that hadn't occurred to her. Maybe it never occurred to her that there are things other than sexual intercourse that we can do together that she is perfectly comfortable with and would make it possible for me not to tear my hair out in frustration. This is why couples TALK to each other and WORK STUFF OUT.

I find it ironic that it is a common complaint for many that their partners don't talk to them and yet here I am begging for a bit of detailed conversation on an important issue and I am facing a stone wall and often on LS (though not always), I get reactions that tell me her unwillingness to talk to me is perfectly okay.

It is NOT okay.

Sex with someone who's had to be negotiated into it is probably going to be... awkward at best.

Yes, this is a genuine stumbling block. Edited May 3, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 3, 2019

Folks, you are missing the fact that my wife has not had the full and honest conversation that is necessary in this marriage.

That is not a fact. That is a preference of yours. Understandable as it is, that does not make it fact. She is under no legal obligation to tell you why she has withdrawn from sex. That isn't the same as saying it's OK she has done so without explanation, but you need to get past this idea that you are somehow owed a reason before you can proceed.

Of course she has the right to retire 100% from sex — consent is ALWAYS a 100% requirement for any sexual activity and that's not in dispute. She does not owe me sex; however, sexlessness is harmful to the marriage and she needs to recognize that.

It's harmful to some marriages. It does not appear she feels the marriage has suffered from it. Again, you take how you're feeling and assume that she must also view it that way. Not the case.

In a discussion like this, she might discover something that hadn't occurred to her. Maybe it never occurred to her that there are things other than sexual intercourse that we can do together that she is perfectly comfortable with and would make it possible for me not to tear my hair out in frustration. This is why couples TALK to each other and WORK STUFF OUT.

Like what, a sad hand job or something? If she's withdrawn from sex, it's because she, in part, is not interested in you sexually. Women aren't like most guys. If they don't want you inside of them, they probably aren't too keen engaging in anything in the sexual realm with you.

I find it ironic that it is a common complaint for many that their partners don't talk to them and yet here I am begging for a bit of detailed conversation on an important issue and I am facing a stone wall and often on LS (though not always), I get reactions that tell me her unwillingness to talk to me is perfectly okay.

No one has said it's OK, and it's comments like that that make me agree with others who have suggested that maybe your wife hasn't been as secretive with her reasons as you insist. You seem to have a skewed perception of what's happening when you're faced with situations and comments that you don't agree with.

What people have been saying is that it's her choice to withdraw from sex, and while it's understandable that this isn't satisfactory for you, she's still ultimately not obligated to have sex with you. Just like you're not obligated to stay with her if you find that unacceptable.

It is NOT okay

Then leave. It's been two years. You've got your answer. You just don't like it, so you haven't accepted it.

May 3, 2019

... Maybe it never occurred to her that there are things other than sexual intercourse that we can do together that she is perfectly comfortable with and would make it possible for me not to tear my hair out in frustration.

What could there possibly be that a 56 year old mature intelligent women had not considered... before she shut down the sex...

Like what, a sad hand job or something? If she's withdrawn from sex, it's because she, in part, is not interested in you sexually. Women aren't like most guys. If they don't want you inside of them, they probably aren't too keen engaging in anything in the sexual realm with you.

Agreed. Once you remove desire and horniness, then sexual acts can take on a different complexion all together. If she has withdrawn sex the last thing she wants to do is give handjobs and blowjobs or interact at all sexually with someone she has no sexual interest in.

Women need emotional connection to engage in sex, I guess she lost that quite a while ago.

May 3, 2019

Because she still shows some affection, that she cares about him but isn't sexual toward him anymore and that it could be because of just feeling to familial or like his mother after this many years and whatever issues there have been. That is a sex killer for women. And you just can't write off the menopause because it stops many women. And other things as people age, many other things make them stop feeling sexual.

May 3, 2019

Women need emotional connection to engage in sex, I guess she lost that quite a while ago.

Okay, fine. She has lost emotional connection with me. Would she like to try to regain that connection (for its own sake, not because it might create the conditions for future sex) with no guarantee of success? I would be open to that. We can date. We can cuddle and chat and watch movies and go for long walks. I'm all for it. We have anniversary coming up this month—let's do something romantic.

I'd still like to know why we aren't having sex and if there's any path to recovery of that part of our life, but I suppose I can let that go if we are both exerting effort in the emotional intimacy realm.

OTOH, I want to have sex with my wife. I feel sexual desire and I want to direct it at the woman I love. Her body thrills me. Her eyes are hypnotic to me. I hate being thwarted in that sphere of life. I am a man. I have a primal and deep emotional need to connect to the woman in my life by making love to her. When did that become what feels like a crime? I want her to desire me sexually again.

And if it turns out after all this time that she was fully capable of having sex (emotionally and physically) but was doing it with some other guy, that would be a major disappointment, to put it mildly.

Edited May 3, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 3, 2019

The last time you brought it up, didn't you say she said, I thought we already settled that there was going to be no sex?

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