Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[elaine567]

And all of this is ok with you, or are you just stating the facts? Would you stay in a marriage like this? Curious...

 

Stating facts.

But as for staying in a marriage like this I guess it depends on how all the other factors stacked up.

[preraph]

An affair is a possibility, but, if she wanted to keep it secret, it's a bit silly to cut off the husband from all the marital sexual activities. Surely, that gives the signal that there is something going on? Unless, she is having an affair and the time has come for the divorce.

 

That's exactly what I was about to say. People who don't want their partner knowing they're having an affair do not cut off sexual relations with them, nor are they particularly disinterested in sex or they wouldn't be having an affair. I don't think this has anything to do with her having an affair.

[Rotaglia]

@preraph You could certainly be right. I would sure like to know ... something, anything about my wife's experience of sexuality at all. Maybe there is common ground we didn't know was there before. Talk to me!!! I sent my wife a text just now saying that us talking to each other would enable us to seek common ground. I don't know about her, but I would find that persuasive.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

I don't doubt that some people can go completely without sex of any kind. It is not, however, the norm. My wife and I had sex regularly for twenty years. It is not some weird thing that arrived on an alien spaceship and then departed eighteen months ago.

 

Of course she has the right to decline sex at any time and for however long she wishes—that's the essence of consent. But if you do that, a loving and kind discussion goes a long way. Why is that beyond her?

 

I know some will say she's already said all she is going to say, but it's not good enough for me.

[BettyDraper]

R, did your wife help you get your job?

I'm asking because you mentioned that your wife signs your coworkers paycheques.

 

I don't know why you won't accept that your wife will never speak to you about your sex life and she will never have sex with you again. You can wish for such things all you want but it will never happen.

 

If your wife travels for work all the time, that is the perfect set up for an affair to occur.

Maybe you don't want to look for evidence because you're afraid of what you might find.

 

It's clear that you love your wife far more than she loves you....maybe even more than you love yourself. That's not healthy at all.

[norudder]

 

I am separating, but not because I'm looking for another woman: I'm separating because a marriage without intimacy is not a marriage to me. We are roommates. And unfortunately, I really fancy my roommate. It's like having a Ferrari in the garage and not be able to drive it, ever... or when you drive it, you can only drive it in first gear and around the block ))

 

Better an empty garage? Would anything other than another Ferrari be settling then? Poor sedan that gets chosen simply because she "runs". Perhaps, a Lambo....?

[Rotaglia]

Accept it or file. Those are YOUR two choices now!

Stop being disrespectful and weak. She isn’t talking about it!

I'm sorry but I must disagree. There is a third option.

[Rotaglia]

I Got the Job Entirely on My Own

I did it all by myself.

 

My Wife and I Do Not Work Together

I would never work for my wife.

 

Stop being disrespectful and weak. She isn’t talking about it!

I will risk the optics of looking weak to you and/or to my wife to give my marriage a chance before I call it quits and file. Why is that so unreasonable in your eyes? What do I have to lose? Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Marc878]

I don't think this has anything to do with her having an affair.

It’s very common to cut off marital sex during an affair. A lot of cheaters feel it’s cheating on their affair partner. It’s not absolute but happens a lot.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

One should never file for divorce in anger but only from a place of relative sobriety and calm, when one has carefully weighed the pros and cons and made a deliberate, well considered decision (and not merely as a reaction).

 

.... Right?

[BettyDraper]

I will risk the optics of looking weak to you and/or to my wife to give my marriage a chance before I call it quits and file. Why is that so unreasonable in your eyes? What do I have to lose?

 

Looking weak to your wife is likely one of the reasons she won't sleep with you. Your wife is a high powered woman who interacts with equally powerful men all day, and then she comes to home to husband who meekly tolerates any kind of mistreatment and begs for some kind of acknowledgment.

 

How is it that your wife signs your coworkers' paycheques if you don't work for her or with her?

Your wife is at least tangentially your boss if she is responsible for your coworkers' pay.

 

Either that or you don't actually have a job. Employees who just start at a new company do not have time to post on forums. Such behavior makes new employees look lazy regardless of how lenient their bosses and coworkers are. Most workplaces monitor employees' internet use as well. There's something fishy about your job.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

I think all decisions should be thought out but from what I’ve seen many just can’t make a decision no matter how much thought they put into it.

 

Wallowing just wastes your time and life. Let’s face it. You can make an excuse for anything. Just keep kicking that can down the road.

 

I learned to get as much info as I can. Weigh out the facts and go with what I know. But this is you life it’s nothing to anyone here how you run it.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

How is it that your wife signs your coworkers' paycheques if you don't work for her or with her?

My wife signs the paychecks of her employees not the paychecks of my new co-workers. I mentioned that as a reason why my wife's employees are unlikely to rat her out regarding a potential affair.

[preraph]

If she's smart, she'll go to counseling with you if for no other reason then to get things out in the open so that you would both be able to either accept the situation or move forward with divorce.

[Timshel]

Today my wife had a special work event and I decided to head into the city with her mother in tow. We got to be in the audience, take pictures, and gush over my wife. Had lunch and a beer with my mother-in-law afterwards (I had the day off from work). Tonight when we reconnected, my wife and I shared a warm embrace and a very hot, lingering kiss. I felt pretty dang good.

You really can't blame posters for thinking this is nepotism since this post was made on a Monday after your first 'official' week working and you've been posting continually since. I guess that I do not want to feed this thread at all but I must say that if it is difficult to be straightforward on an anonymous forum, the implications for your marriage at home are quite disappointing.

 

Regardless of any lack of communication and sex from your wife, please set an appointment with a licensed psychologist for individual counseling. I am fairly certain that LS is not positioned to appropriately address your mental health needs Rotaglia and a professional will be a thousand times more productive for your long term well being.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

I am fairly certain that LS is not positioned to appropriately address your mental health needs Rotaglia and a professional will be a thousand times more productive for your long term well being.

Seeing a therapist. ✓

Seeing a psychiatrist. ✓

Contacted a marriage counselor. ✓

Consulted a qualified family law attorney. ✓

Waiting to hear back from wife on whether she will attend MC together or individually. Not holding my breath. ✓

LS is just a sounding board, nothing more and nothing less. I never suggested otherwise. ✓

 

Happy now? Sheesh.

ME: My wife is treating me badly.

LS: It's because you're an idiot.

ME: Excuse me?

LS: It's your fault for letting her do that.

ME: No, it isn't. She is responsible for her behavior.

LS: No, you made her this way. You're a needy slob. Get a job, a**

h

**e.

ME: I did.

LS: You're still a loser.

ME: Seriously????

LS: Yup. And that's why your wife doesn't respect you. Divorce her and move on. Quit talking to her, it's a waste of time.

ME: Or maybe she's just a jerk! Ever think of that???

LS: Nope. I don't think. I just judge.

ME: *$*#!!

LS: Do you still love your wife?

ME: I do. That doesn't mean I need to be married to her, though.

LS: Forget it. You're a sex-obsessed moron who can't get past your own needs.

ME: That's ridiculous.

LS: Find out if she's having an affair.

ME: Why? What good will that do me?

LS: Nothing. Do it anyway because I'

m

shouting at you repeatedly.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Timshel]

You are responsible for yourself Rotaglia. Outside of your children, which you are able to love without your wife...you are responsible for your own well being. Only you.

 

How's yesterday? Not here anymore. How's today? How is this minute?

No person will ever carry you and all the minutes of your life. If you are miserable, there is only one person that can change that, including married people. Spouse's can and will help only as much as they care or are able.

 

I hope you are honest regarding therapeutic care.

Best wishes.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[Rotaglia]

@Timshel I agree that I am responsible for my own happiness and no one else can give it to me. I would like my wife to share my happiness and I would like to share hers. If not, I'll be temporarily sad but ultimately still fundamentally happy and secure in myself.

--------------------

Our daughter deserves the presence of both of her parents 100% of the time. So divorce would only make sense if my wife or I or both were mistreating or abusing her. She isn't. I’m not. I refuse to harm my daughter by divorcing her mother.

 

 

I could tell my wife that there will be no hugging or kissing until she addresses the issues in our marriage. It will probably anger her but too bad. There have to be consequences for her cruelty and indifference. I am fed up with being a second-class citizen in my marriage. She has two weeks and then she moves in the spare bedroom. Two weeks after that she moves out of the house.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[giotto]

Better an empty garage?

 

yes... a Lambo won't do...

[Rotaglia]

If you’re not divorcing your wife because of your daughter - then ok. Now we know that and we also understand that you’re not taking action to change your life. Since that’s clear - stop saying you are considering it!

There has to be a way to stay in the marriage and still get better treatment from my wife. Why does it have to be either/or?

[elaine567]

I could tell my wife that there will be no hugging or kissing until she addresses the issues in our marriage. It will probably anger her but too bad. There have to be consequences for her cruelty and indifference. I am fed up with being a second-class citizen in my marriage. She has two weeks and then she moves in the spare bedroom. Two weeks after that she moves out of the house.

 

You, like many men before you, think you can just turf a women out of the marital home. You have no legal right to do that and if you do, then the law may come right down on top of your head and it may be you that finds you are turfed out.

 

You already said if your wife gets riled up it will be "war" and as your wife is the one earning a big salary, she can well afford to fight you to the death legally, should she choose to do so.

 

Stop the bitter ramblings and focus.

[Rotaglia]

You, like many men before you, think you can just turf a women out of the marital home.

Nothing prevents me from asking her to leave. She may just be ashamed enough to go, especially if she is having or has had an affair or affairs.

[Rotaglia]

Women have been manipulating and guilt-tripping their husbands since Genesis. How come I am so bad at it, setting aside the fact that I am male and not female?

 

You know what? Don't answer that question: It'll just be some other snide remark about what a fat, ugly, undesirable, weak loser I am.

[BaileyB]

Women have been manipulating and guilt-tripping their husbands since Genesis. How come I am so bad at it, setting aside the fact that I am male and not female?

 

The only person that you control is yourself.

 

If you are not happy in your marriage, communicate that with your wife. If you remain unhappy by her response, then you have some decisions to make. You can’t make her do anything/be anything that she doesn’t want to be.

[Rotaglia]

The only person that you control is yourself.

Thanks for rejoining the discussion. I am sorry for my harsh words. I was having a bad day. You know what? I wasn't “having a bad day.” I was a flat-out jerk. I apologize.

If you are not happy in your marriage, communicate that with your wife.

Believe me, I intend to. She does not make it easy. Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia