Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

May 1, 2019

Good luck convincing a judge that your wife has "walked all over" you, as she's been your sole financial support for some years. Good thing you have a job now, though.

May 1, 2019

Good luck convincing a judge that your wife has "walked all over" you, as she's been your sole financial support for some years. Good thing you have a job now, though.

He won't have to convince a judge about anything.

In today's world it'll be a 50/50 split of net assets (including her savings/401k).

With the disparity in income child support and alimony.

OP, being in finance get all your fair share upfront because it won't be there later.

If it comes to D it's strictly a business decision. You'd be very wise to take care of yourself. No one else will.

May 1, 2019

She will always be part of family

Let's see if you still feel this way if there's a contentious divorce with financial and custody battles. Part of her strategy will be to impugn your character and suitability as a parent.

Be careful thinking "she'd never do that" ...

Mr. Lucky

May 1, 2019

He won't have to convince a judge about anything.

I agree, but my point is he keeps thinking he has some argument to the court. First it was he thought they'd care she wasn't having sex. Now he thinks they'll care that she's unfair or whatever. The Court doesn't care as long as there's not abuse or money hiding or fighting in front of the kids, involving the kids, influencing the kids. As long as it's joint custody, there's no money paid to either and assets will be divided according to whatever law there is there, which varies state to state.

May 1, 2019

In my state, being the financially dependent spouse for 22 years confers certain advantages per my lawyer. I could even argue for indefinite alimony, though it’s not for sure I would get it.

Doesn’t matter. The point is to be self-sufficient financially so that I do not depend on funds from marital assets while the divorce is proceeding or after it takes effect.

Mediation is an alternative to a contested divorce that could save us both money but, knowing my wife, she will opt for war.

May 1, 2019

The Court doesn't care as long as there's not abuse or money hiding or fighting in front of the kids, involving the kids, influencing the kids. As long as it's joint custody, there's no money paid to either and assets will be divided according to whatever law there is there, which varies state to state.

You are correct. None of that matters at all. It's mostly a math calculation

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 1, 2019

In my state, being the financially dependent spouse for 22 years confers certain advantages per my lawyer. I could even argue for indefinite alimony, though it’s not for sure I would get it.

Doesn’t matter. The point is to be self-sufficient financially so that I do not depend on funds from marital assets while the divorce is proceeding or after it takes effect.

Mediation is an alternative to a contested divorce that could save us both money but, knowing my wife, she will opt for war.

@preraph The court does care about sex because in our state withholding sex for more than a year can constitute constructive abandonment, which is grounds for an absolute divorce. All that gets me is a quicker divorce without the one-year separation requirement. Not a big win but I would take it. My question for a lawyer would be what if my wife claims we were having sex that year?

Adultery also does matter if proven because it can affect the alimony award.

But generally an uncontested divorce settled by mediators or lawyers is usually best for a case like this.

Edited May 1, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 1, 2019

Rotaglia, I know you're dying to air your lack of sex to the Court, but just saying, you don't really NEED a grounds for divorce these days and no one is awarding you extra for no sex. You just pick a reason for divorce, incompatibility is the usual, and you file. This is not a big production in front of the judge where he decides who is wronged and gets into all that. In your state, maybe it's a reason to write down for divorce, but it has no advantage and will only have you answering embarrassing questions. If there is a contested divorce, then perhaps the judge might care about some issue or other, but likely the judge will just grant the divorce and it will be up to the reluctant party to sign the order or decide to give the other a hard time and go past a time limitation when it will be ordered nonetheless.

The big issues are the children and being sure all money is accounted for in both your accounts and assets and nothing hidden. Beyond that, the Court really only cares about the welfare of the children if they are minors or any physical abuse or addiction, mental illness, that sort of thing. Very low on the judge's list of cares is sex.

May 1, 2019

My question for a lawyer would be what if my wife claims we were having sex that year?

Exactly. And given that sex is broad category meaning different things to different people, what happens if you say "we didn't" and she says "we did"?

Mr. Lucky

May 1, 2019

I wonder if my mental health history could be an issue. I'll check with my lawyer. Anyway, my wife assumes I am too lovelorn and to dependent to file. She underestimates me. I will fight if I have to.

May 1, 2019

Why are you here endlessly see-sawing between “I want the marriage” and “I’ll fight if I have to”? Why not just talk to your wife?

May 1, 2019

Why are you here endlessly see-sawing between “I want the marriage” and “I’ll fight if I have to”? Why not just talk to your wife?

She's not here right now. When she gets back from her trip, I'll make an attempt. I find talking about emotional and/or serious matters via text and e-mail to be generally not a good idea, and she often can't talk on the phone because it's a super-intense travel and work time for her. She has an unbelievably demanding job and she throws her entire being into it.

If you read the previous posts, you will see that she is not always the best communicator concerning the marriage and our relationship, but she deserves an opportunity to talk to me, absolutely. I am adopting both postures simultaneously: ready to defend myself if necessary, open to discussion and working the marriage at the same time. It seems logical to me.

I love this woman a lot but she really hurt me and it will take very substantial effort on her part to regain my trust. Also, sexual intimacy will be a challenge as eighteen months of total rejection has left me very reluctant to re-engage sexually with her. Don't get me wrong—I'm still attracted to her physically. I just don't think it would be wise for me to accept her offer of sex should one be forthcoming. I am not holding my breath.

Edited May 1, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 1, 2019

Why are you here endlessly see-sawing between “I want the marriage” and “I’ll fight if I have to”? Why not just talk to your wife?

My guess is that ending a long marriage is such a serious decision, that it's difficult to definitively decide when there is still love for one's partner.

I think Rotaglia would love to stay with his wife and work on the marriage, but he's finally realizing that may not be a possibility since his wife refuses to discuss their dead bedroom.

May 2, 2019

@BettyDraper Thank you, yes—that's about the size of it.

I would also add that I am upset that my wife was apparently willfully oblivious to how much the sudden death of our sex life hurt me and even when finally confronted she did none of the things a truly engaged and caring wife might be expected to do. Basically, she discarded an essential piece of the relationship and didn't confide in me about what was happening with her. All of this is contrary to how an intimate relationship ought to function.

It's important to add that sex is not only something a wife gives to her husband or a husband gives to his wife; it is also an opportunity for the two of them to connect emotionally, to experience intimate touch, to bond. We both missed out on that experience for the last year-and-a-half because of what I am guessing was my wife's indifference and selfishness.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 2, 2019

You are still trying to project your feelings onto her. Obviously she sees it differently.

Have you checked your phone bill?

It only takes 15 minutes.

You should at least rule that out.

Perfect time since she's gone.

May 2, 2019

You are still trying to project your feelings onto her. Obviously she sees it differently.

I'm not "projecting" anything; I am holding her accountable for falling short of very reasonable expectations. She may "see it differently," but a difference in perspective does not justify her behavior. In psychology, projection is the act of attributing to others characteristics one finds objectionable in oneself. That clearly does not apply here. The definition of projection is not "expecting others to share your beliefs or values," as you apparently believe.

Also, we have little-to-no idea what my wife thinks because 1) we can't get inside her head and 2) she hardly says anything on the topic.

Have you checked your phone bill?

The home phone bill reveals nothing.

Her cellphone is another matter, but it's a "company" phone so getting the bill for that will be tricky. It would be easier to wait for a day when she leaves her phone at home, but I haven't noticed her doing that recently.

She did begin bringing her phone to bed some time ago. She used to leave it downstairs (where I could get access to it). It could be she's developed a habit of checking her e-mail/texts in bed, or it could be behavior indicative of secrecy. I can't easily tell but it is perhaps mildly suspicious. It could be she is keeping her phone close at hand so I can't see it, but that could simply be paranoia on my part.

A time when she's away is no more or less suitable for this kind of surveillance.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 2, 2019

Unfortunately for me, uncovering an affair or affairs conducted by my wife doesn't gain me very much except perhaps the ability to shame her (which is of dubious value). It would explain some of her behavior toward me, I suppose. It might make it harder to repair the marriage and easier for me to pursue divorce. Proving an affair legally can be difficult and in our state infidelity has little value in divorce court. It can influence an alimony award, but in the larger scheme of a divorce it is not really worth much.

My point is that uncovering infidelity may not be worth the effort.

On the other hand, looking at the circumstantial evidence:

An abrupt and lasting total shutdown of sex;
Evasion and silence;
Increased sense of unease around me;
Started taking her phone to bed;
Declines or cuts short most opportunities to discuss the marriage/relationship;
Fewer dates and fewer opportunities for the two of us to be alone;
Reduced intimacy.

An affair would explain all of these behaviors.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 2, 2019

No one is suggesting you uncover a potential affair for the purpose of leverage in a divorce.

May 2, 2019

No one is suggesting you uncover a potential affair for the purpose of leverage in a divorce.

If we assume that to be the case, the remaining purposes of uncovering infidelity would be:

Make it easier for me to achieve closure on the end of the marriage and the onset of divorce;
Cause my wife to incur a debt to me that she has to repay somehow;
Cause my wife to see the error of her ways so she pursues relationship repair with me;
Make it easier for me to toss her out of the house.

None of these supposed benefits is particularly enticing.

May 2, 2019

You have some red flags but the purpose of finding out what's up is this:

No marriage can be worked on if there is an affair going on. A waywards full emphasis is on the affair. It trumps everything.

If it is an affair you can bet she'll never tell you.

Its like any other problem. You can't try and fix it if you don't know what you're dealing with.

Your emphasis is trying to salvage your marriage.

Your wife won't tell you a thing. You can't make her. Repeatedly you keep saying she owes you an explanation. If that's what's going on their mantra is lie, hide and deny. You will get nothing directly from her. Ever.

If it is an affair about the only thing you can do is find out get evidence and expose it. It may or may not end the affair but it's your only good option. Only then do you have a chance.

At this time you don't know. It would be wise to try and find out.

Anything is better than living in limbo. She may have put you there but you are the only one that can keep yourself in it.

You've been struggling and getting nowhere. You change nothing nothing will change.

It's totally up to you. Change tactics or continue as you are. i suspect you'll keep getting the same.

May 2, 2019

If we assume that to be the case, the remaining purposes of uncovering infidelity would be:

Make it easier for me to achieve closure on the end of the marriage and the onset of divorce;
Cause my wife to incur a debt to me that she has to repay somehow;
Cause my wife to see the error of her ways so she pursues relationship repair with me;
Make it easier for me to toss her out of the house.
None of these supposed benefits is particularly enticing.

It would get you out of limbo

It gets you a chance to end the affair. Only then can any work on the marriage can begin.

You seem to be making excuses so you don't have to address it.

In essence if I don't know then I don't have to deal with it.

May 2, 2019

@Marc878

So basically it would help me to achieve clarity? Searching fruitlessly for evidence of an affair that may or may not have taken place could drive me batty all by itself.

@S2B

I think at this point the bloom is off the proverbial rose.

There's no chance my wife's co-workers would rat her out to me. For one thing, most of them don't know me very well; for another, my wife signs their paychecks.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 2, 2019

Then stay where you are.

There are ways but you aren’t interested.

The Calvary isn’t coming.

It’s all on you yo figure out.

I can tell you this. Talking is getting you nowhere

May 2, 2019

He doesn’t want her truth.

That's not true. I would welcome the truth. On the other hand, it may end up being water under the bridge if I conclude that my marriage is unsatisfactory in any case and a divorce is the correct course of action.

I asked my attorney about a private investigator. He said it would be a waste of money. I trust his opinion.

My wife said she wasn't sure about marriage counseling and would think about it. I anticipate that she will end up saying no. She continues to signal exactly how little she cares about the relationship on anything but her exponentially narrowing terms.

@Marc878 You're "talking" too. Is it getting you somewhere?

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

May 2, 2019

Then you stay where you are

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