Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Marc878]

No, you don't tell her that you "might have to consider filing for divorce." You tell her that you will file for divorce. The "consider" makes your statement sound more like a last-ditch thinly-veiled threat, even if that's not how you mean it.

 

Yeah.

 

I'm might have to think about divorce.

 

(Wifes take) yawn, ok whatever

[Rotaglia]

@Blanco Fair enough. But it is more complex than merely resuming the act of sex or face divorce. It's an attitude and behavioral change that I seek. I need to be desired—sometimes. I need to be wanted—sometimes. I want her to acknowledge her sexual needs and let me meet them again. I want the full rank and privileges of Husband First Class. She says I’m a wonderful husband, so I am asking her to work towards treating that way in the bedroom, or if she can't seek whatever tools are necessary (e.g., therapy) to achieve that goal.

[Rotaglia]

If it weren’t for our daughter, we’d probably already be divorced. But our child deserves the presence of both parents and ours is not a toxic household. My wife and I don’t argue much and never around her. We are loving and respectful. It seems crazy to abandon the marriage but I know I can't tolerate being at reduced rank in my wife's eyes. At some point, she has to embrace me as I am.

[Blanco]

@Blanco Fair enough. But it is more complex than merely resuming the act of sex or face divorce. It's an attitude and behavioral change that I seek. I need to be desired—sometimes. I need to be wanted—sometimes. I want her to acknowledge her sexual needs and let me meet them again. I want the full rank and privileges of Husband First Class. She says I’m a wonderful husband, so I am asking her to work towards treating that way in the bedroom, or if she can't seek whatever tools are necessary (e.g., therapy) to achieve that goal.

 

And that's all fair, but it doesn't change that she, for whatever reason, no longer wants to have sex with you. At some point, you have to accept that you cannot negotiate your way into a different answer from her.

[Blanco]

If it weren’t for our daughter, we’d probably already be divorced. But our child deserves the presence of both parents and ours is not a toxic household. My wife and I don’t argue much and never around her. We are loving and respectful. It seems crazy to abandon the marriage but I know I can't tolerate being at reduced rank in my wife's eyes. At some point, she has to embrace me as I am.

 

To play devil's advocate, why must she embrace you as you are if you are not willing to embrace her as she is?

[Rotaglia]

To play devil's advocate, why must she embrace you as you are if you are not willing to embrace her as she is?

Merely because I am asking her to embrace me as I am does not mean I have to reciprocate. Who says otherwise? I can ask for what I want, and what I want is not at all unreasonable. If she cannot meet that need or work towards it, then I have to choose between acceptance or divorce.

 

And here's the thing: It would be easier to accept a sexless marriage if I felt fully loved in other areas, but that's where it gets tricky. I would want to make out a lot and for me that's usually a sexually arousing activity. It's not very easy for me to sever the sexual side of myself from the romantic side. Maybe she finds it relatively easy.

 

I just want to know what she's thinking.

 

I am willing to extend a bit more patience but I want progress.

[Rotaglia]

You know what? I could just go my own way within the marriage, forget about sex altogether (masturbation, anyone?), and just be best pals with my wife. One of the problems with that strategy is that being mere roommates makes me easier to discard.

[preraph]

And that's all fair, but it doesn't change that she, for whatever reason, no longer wants to have sex with you. At some point, you have to accept that you cannot negotiate your way into a different answer from her.

 

And it doesn't change the fact that there likely isn't anything wrong with her to fix. She's simply past it.

[Blanco]

Merely because I am asking her to embrace me as I am does not mean I have to reciprocate. Who says otherwise?

 

No one, just like no one says she has to have sex with you. Don't like it? I wouldn't either. So leave.

 

She's already told you what she wants or doesn't want. You just don't like the answer. The reason at this point is immaterial, because I'm guessing it's something you cannot fix. It's totally normal that you find that unacceptable. I would, too. But you need to get yourself to a point where you understand you probably have two realistic options: Accept things as they are or leave.

 

Once again, if your wife is content with the marriage as it is now, she's not going to be the one to file for divorce. You're acting like you need her consent to end the marriage.

[BaileyB]

I'm dying to know how you can be posting so much during work hours when you have a brand new job.

 

I’m wondering this as well... just as I was wondering what kind of job you took last week when you said you had the day off during your first week or two of a new job. Are you working full-time? Do you work weekends? That doesn’t happen where I work.

[Rotaglia]

I’m wondering this as well... just as I was wondering what kind of job you took last week when you said you had the day off during your first week or two of a new job. Are you working full-time? Do you work weekends? That doesn’t happen where I work.

I work 37.5 hours but they are not all spent in the office. Nobody cares when I get the work done as long as deadlines are met. My colleagues are incredibly nice and they seem to appreciate my work-product.

[BaileyB]

You know what? I could just go my own way within the marriage, forget about sex altogether (masturbation, anyone?), and just be best pals with my wife. One of the problems with that strategy is that being mere roommates makes me easier to discard.

 

She would probably be very happy. I actually think you have a higher risk of being discarded if you start to pressure her and annoy her to do something she clearly has no interest in doing anymore...

 

I was thinking about you on the way to work. My partner is a teacher and his course are done. He still gets paid for the next two months and he shows up occasionally at the office to do some “development,” but it’s pretty slack. On the contrary, I work HARD. Long hours, busy days, dealing with people all day everyday. Nothing about my two jobs is slack. So, every time he asks me what time I have to be at work the next day or complains about the slack work day he has... it makes me roll my eyes and it annoys me.

 

I can’t imagine how your wife must have felt when she goes to her high power job, surrounded by men who are professional, hard working, well dressed, assertive - knowing that her unemployed husband was at home in his pajamas. It could not be more of a polar opposite from what she has experienced at work. As we have said, I can only imagine that she lost respect for you... Now that you are working again, it will be interesting to see if she regains that respect and finds you more attractive. There is perhaps a glimmer of hope, but only a glimmer. I still say that given her age and stage of life - you just want very different things. She likes you enough to settle into a loving, companionable marriage while you... want something very different.

[Rotaglia]

I can’t imagine how your wife must have felt when she goes to her high power job, surrounded by men who are professional, hard working, well dressed, assertive - knowing that her unemployed husband was at home in his pajamas. It could not be more of a polar opposite from what she has experienced at work. As we have said, I can only imagine that she lost respect for you.

I find this remark demeaning.

[BaileyB]

I find this remark demeaning.

 

Not my intent.

 

Simply stating, two very different worlds. Your return to work must have some effect on your wife and your marriage - as I said, hopefully for the better.

Edited May 1, 2019 by BaileyB

[Rotaglia]

Not my intent.

Not your intent? Mind the effect.

[giotto]

Why isn't going to change much. It is what it is.

 

 

Of course not... but I'd like to know why my wife of many years all of a sudden has decided to reject me sexually... might not be important to you, but it would be important to me.

[giotto]

“Wow, I sure needed that” and she said, “Yeah, me too.” Then we kissed again. Rather nice.

 

Yes, because she still wants the non-sexual acts and she wants you to be happy with no sex. She misses the cuddling and the light kissing. You are showing her that you are happy just with that.

[giotto]

I'm slowly arriving to the conclusion that she is having an affair...

[elaine567]

No, you don't tell her that you "might have to consider filing for divorce." You tell her that you will file for divorce. The "consider" makes your statement sound more like a last-ditch thinly-veiled threat, even if that's not how you mean it.

 

But it would just be a thinly veiled threat. The OP doesn't want a divorce.

He knows it is not in his best interests to divorce.

He just wants to make his wife sit up and say "OMG I don't want a divorce, let's have some sex..."

 

He is sitting on the fence, with his thoughts all over the place as he is scared that if he mentions divorce in a serious way, his wife will say "That's a good idea, I'll call my lawyer now..."

[giotto]

 

He is sitting on the fence, with his thoughts all over the place as he is scared that if he mentions divorce in a serious way, his wife will say "That's a good idea, I'll call my lawyer now..."

 

I think divorce is pretty much inevitable. His wife is not going to change her mind. The OP still wants sex. There is no way out of this.

[Rotaglia]

Let's be clear: Were it not for our daughter, we would already be divorced. We are certainly at very high risk for divorce once she leaves for college. They question now concerns whether I put up with this horrendous treatment by my wife for another six years or so before I move out and pull the plug (also delaying the time when I can pursue a new relationship).

 

We might be good candidates for a post-nuptial agreement.

 

He just wants to make his wife sit up and say "OMG I don't want a divorce, let's have some sex..."

That's not terribly likely, is it? But if it did happen and I got it all on film, boy would folks have a good laugh!!

[giotto]

Let's be clear: Were it not for our daughter, we would already be divorced.

 

I get the feeling that your wife knows that your daughter is mature enough now for a divorce. She wouldn't do that, otherwise. Same with my wife: has pulled the plug just a few months before my youngest is due to go to college. Coincidence? I doubt it very much.

 

It's this or she is having an affair...

[Rotaglia]

It's this or she is having an affair...

Yup.

 

I spoke again with my attorney and with several friends. The key thing right now is to heighten my walkaway power. I have to be very careful and strategic as to how I speak with my wife. I don't want to touch off a messy and emotional war, but I do think she's entitled to know that this marriage is on life support and that some very dramatic changes need to occur if we intend to preserve it. Fundamentally, I no longer trust her with my heart.

 

It is slowly dawning on me that I have ceded too much power in this relationship. My wife may have walked all over me, but I let her do it. I do love her. She will always be part of family, but I seriously doubt that I can be her husband for much longer. It's sad but in the long run probably for the best.

 

The sticky question is our daughter. I don't want to be deprived of the presence of both parents. She needs both of us. Hopefully something can be arranged that makes sense. Tricky stuff.

[Rotaglia]

What if she asks me for sex and I say no?

[elaine567]

...I say no?

 

OK but as you don't really want a divorce and you at least want to stay a few years for your daughter, then it would not be very bright to say no, would it?

Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.