Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

What difference would it make though? There is still no sex on the table.

The only way it would make a difference is that if you thought you could change her mind.

I think part of the problem is that “sex,” like “love,” is too broad a word.

 

If you will pardon a bit of explicit language, she might no longer want penetrative vaginal sex but could be open to other forms of sex. She might be surprised what she could get used to. Would it kill her to touch my penis every now and then? I would be willing to bet, dollars to donuts, that she would be willing to accept oral sex from me right now but she's probably scared to mention it because it might seem “hypocritical” or that she’s giving in. Being able to give her sexual pleasure would mean so much to me at this moment.

 

Complex issues require detailed discussion in order to resolve problems.

Edited April 30, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

Every couple has a sex life, even those who are not having physical sex.

[pepperbird]

This thread sounds eerily similar to a friend of mine...he's not into music, but otherwise its the same story...

 

He woke up one day, after dealing with the same thing as the OP and walked out on the marriage...The entire family is devastated and she even came to me crying her eyes out and wondering why...He eventually shared with me that she went cold on him for the last few years and he had enough...Tried everything...Nothing worked...

 

Its sad...And I thought they would be the last people on earth to get divorced but I dunno….If I were her and it was that important enough to maintain that then it would have been in my best interests to do something about it...

 

I guess its now a race against time for her...She probably figures if she stalls him long enough then his test levels fall enough or his dick stops working and the elephant in the room leaves..I dunno…

 

TFY

 

 

I think you should read the entire thread. It's not as simple as the op is trying to make it out to be.

 

 

 

I think a lot of people are getting stuck on the "no sex" part and not seeing it as part of a much larger picture. For example ( and I've been lashed out at by the op for bringing this up) he has a past history of mental health issues- depression I think, but I could be wrong, and has been hospitalized twice during their marriage.

 

Both my husband and older daughter has issues with mental health, and I can tell you one thing. To be hospitalized for depression, it has to get really, really REALLY bad. His wife may well be coping with a form of PTSD, and i really wonder if she feels like she can't talk about that with the OP because she feels guilty or like she would be blaming him for an illness that wasn't his fault.

 

He feels he's worked through that, and thinks his wife should have too simply because he has. If his comments were any indication, I think he really resents that being brought up, and if she did, would he really be receptive to actually listening to her?

 

He also has absolutely no understanding of what a husband or wife with a mentally ill spouse goes through. For all those years, she may well have thought as if she was walking on eggshells and felt that she simply couldn't add more stress to him by telling him how she was feeling. In fact,. this is a quote from him about the subject "

"I have overcome depression and I'm functioning well and I would prefer not be reminded every time my wife rejects an implicit or explicit sexual overture of that awful piece of our past. She should let it go already or seek professional help—it should not be my burden to fix an issue in her brain. "

 

If this is his attitude, I wouldn't open up to him either.

 

 

 

I can only surmise that, since they got married, lived a life that was happy enough that they were able to adopt a child and be together for more than 20 years that this problem is relatively new. He's made no comment about his wife not opening up to him about her feelings up until that point, so why the change? What happened?

 

I think his wife has been carrying a damned heavy load for a long time, and has learned that she really can't open up to him. I also think she has had a lot of balls in the air for a long time, and her system for keeping them in the air has worked. On here, he's saying and doing all the right things, but I really do wonder what he's like as an actual spouse. If she tries to talk to him, does he actually listen, or does he simply wait for her to finish speaking without actually putting in the effort to hear?

 

I don't know. I'm not there when they talk, None of us are.

 

 

IMHO, his wife could benefit from some individual counseling, then maybe she and the OP could go together. We are only hearing his side here, and there is a huge side to the equation we aren't getting.

[pepperbird]

He is projecting his own opinion about a lot of things on her...

OP, I sincerely doubt that she is feeling guilty about the lack of sex. There is absolutely nothing in what you have said that would indicate that.

If she was feeling guilty, she would be open to the idea of marriage counselling...

 

 

IMHO, I don't think I would at this point either if I was in his wife's shoes. Not because I didn't value my marriage, but because I would be simply plain worn out. I could use some individual counseling first where I could feel safe to open up about how I was feeling.

 

This is something I don't think the op realizes is so common in spouses of someone with a chronic illness, and not just mental ones. Any illness.

 

e.g.- I have a chronic illness that is becoming debilitating. I know it's been hard on my husband, and I also know that, at first, he wasn't being honest about how he was feeling. He didn't want to add more to my plate. Once I was finally able to convince him I could handle it, we talked about it. He's not angry with me, he's angry at the disease. He's scared for me and our family, but didn't feel like he could show that because he had to be strong for us.

 

Over time, that can become situation normal. You just shove your fears, anger, hurt, grief etc. into the closet and slam the door.

[giotto]

I see it in my family, I see it in my friends... life is busy, kids are demanding, work is exhausting, menopause is life changing... sex, is the last thing on many women’s minds at this age and this stage of life.

 

 

This is what my wife said. But as a man, with a high sex drive at 55 (still), I can't really see myself leading the life of a monk. I do love my wife, but I need more that just cuddling and holding hands. The intimacy has gone and, although I know it's not personal, I just feel totally rejected as a man. Also, it's impossible for me to sleep next to a woman I love and I still fancy a lot, but I can't touch, apart from a peck on her cheek. It's just torture. It's depressing. I don't want to be here.

[Rotaglia]

Also, it's impossible for me to sleep next to a woman I love and I still fancy a lot, but I can't touch, apart from a peck on her cheek. It's just torture. It's depressing. I don't want to be here.

I hear ya, man. So far I have endured “just spooning” for many a moon now. It is not ideal, but I am dealing with it for now. It is frustrating as heck. It is as though she has no concept of my experience of that ... or she knows and does not care. In her book, The Sex-Starved Marriage, Michele Weiner-Davis suggests that couples recovering from a period of sexlessness start by giving one another small sexual gifts. What on earth would be wrong with that? I'd be happy to perform oral sex on her tonight (Except she is off on a business trip. Drat.) if she would just give the green light already. Maybe she can't handle that but I have a hunch it would feel great for her despite everything.

 

@pepperbird If my past (or current) mental health issues are a factor in our current marital and/or sexual struggles, FINE! But let's address them and deal with them so they do not fester and continue to plague our marriage in the present. I may not want to hear it, but that is my tough luck.

 

She needs to talk to me, to a professional, or preferably both. The fact that she thus far refuses to do so is on her, not on me. Too many people in this thread are letting my wife off the hook and fail to recognize where she has fallen short in the relationship by stonewalling and shutting me out. Her behavior is at least part of the issue. But I cannot control her; I can only control me.

 

In spite of everything, this marriage is well worth preserving. We are good for each other. The love is genuine on both sides. Some issues have surfaced. Let's address them, for Heaven's sake—thoroughly, completely, honestly, and without fear or recrimination.

 

A couple may not be able to have sex physically every day, but they can make love every day.

 

Oh, and one note about listening: I am aware that in the past I have sometimes spent more time in a discussion readying my response than really listening; however, that is an issue on which I feel I am making progress. I mentioned to my wife that I was paying attention to that tendency in me and she seemed glad that I was acknowledging it and giving it real effort.

 

For pepperbird to suggest that I have no understanding of my wife's experience with my mental health challenges is unfair. I do understand it well. Perhaps I could deepen my understanding of it and help my wife cope with whatever issues that presents, but really I am not qualified to diagnose or treat whatever issue she is confronting over that. It really properly is the job of a professional. To expect me, the one who suffered from depression and also her husband, to be the person through which she processes those feelings I feel is inappropriate. Of course it is my job to be supportive and understanding and patient—I can do that—but the deep and complex work of healing should be in the hands of someone qualified to help her with those things.

Edited April 30, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

She should acknowledge my sexual needs and make some effort toward meeting them or at least discuss it with me in detail. To not do so is very counterproductive. What is served by silence?

 

Before one can resolve a problem, one first has to identify it.

[giotto]

What difference would it make though? There is still no sex on the table.

 

It would make a huge difference. The OP would know the real reason and could take an informed decision. Like this, he is clutching at straws. Although I understand and respect his wife's decision to take sex off the table, the OP should be told in very clear terms why. Not just hints or crying or stonewalling. Regardless of the reason, I don't believe this fair towards her husband, with whom she has shared many years of her life.

[Rotaglia]

It would make a huge difference. The OP would know the real reason and could take an informed decision. Like this, he is clutching at straws. Although I understand and respect his wife's decision to take sex off the table, the OP should be told in very clear terms why. Not just hints or crying or stonewalling. Regardless of the reason, I don't believe this fair towards her husband, with whom she has shared many years of her life.

**BINGO!!** Give that man a cigar.

[giotto]

**BINGO!!** Give that man a cigar.

 

I stopped smoking a few months ago, but thanks nevertheless...

[Marc878]

It would make a huge difference. The OP would know the real reason and could take an informed decision. Like this, he is clutching at straws. Although I understand and respect his wife's decision to take sex off the table, the OP should be told in very clear terms why. Not just hints or crying or stonewalling. Regardless of the reason, I don't believe this fair towards her husband, with whom she has shared many years of her life.

 

Why isn't going to change much. It is what it is.

 

Zero sex for a 46 yr old is the problem. The whys aren't going to Change a thing.

 

This isn't normal at all.

 

Keep beating around the bush. If you can wait another 15 or 20 years you may lose your libido and then it won't matter.

[elaine567]

Before one can resolve a problem, one first has to identify it.

 

Sex is a problem for you, not her.

She has probably just solved her "problem" by stopping the sex... unfortunately for you...

[Rotaglia]

My wife has told me she needs me to be her rock. Although I did not say so aloud (and I have been focusing on projecting quiet, masculine leadership in our relationship), I reacted internally by saying, “What have I been for the last 23 years? A pebble????”

Some women are flat-out crazy.

Also, where is my rock in this situation? Has she been there for me? Am I somehow not entitled to a rock of my own?

Sex is a problem for you, not her.

She has probably just solved her "problem" by stopping the sex... unfortunately for you...

Maybe you are right, but maybe you are not. I'd like to know one way or the other.

If you are someone's wife and that someone is suffering (due to lack of sex in this case), then it should be your problem as well. By not recognizing that, I feel @elaine567 is enabling her negative behavior.

Maybe I need to support her in new and different ways, ways that she needs that differ from what I have been providing. But I must hear from her otherwise I'm just shooting in the dark.

Edited April 30, 2019 by Rotaglia

[preraph]

[i can't believe you think you're going to talk her into oral sex when she doesn't want to have sex at all. If she doesn't want sex she certainly doesn't want oral sex. If she wanted any kind of sex, believe me she would let you know or just do it,.

[preraph]

I'm dying to know how you can be posting so much during work hours when you have a brand new job.

[Rotaglia]

I'm dying to know how you can be posting so much during work hours when you have a brand new job.

I type really fast.

[i can't believe you think you're going to talk her into oral sex

What's the big deal? Did you know that fellatio was the very first thing we ever did together sexually? It was her idea. I didn't say a thing. I was even saying we could go slow on sex but she was fairly insistent. Could she not conjure up that part of herself for a couple of minutes once a month? Would I not do the same for her if the situation were reversed?

 

Suppose one day she is ill and I were to care for her. Do you think I would hesitate to do something for her because of my own discomfort? That is not what one does in a marriage.

 

I am NOT suggesting she do something she is flat-out unwilling to do. I am saying that the will to do it can be cultivated if one really wants to. It is a matter of mindset and of generosity. It's about putting your partner's needs ahead of your own.

 

Suppose like many men I didn't like performing cunnilingus on her (as it happens, I like it a lot). Do you think I would refuse to ever do it for her if that's what she wanted?

 

I really think we are giving my wife way too much latitude and too many excuses in this discussion.

 

I actually think she is pondering returning to having sex but like me she is a little nervous about it and would like me to break the ice. Believe it or not.

Edited April 30, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

If all this is true, again, it's no wonder she won't open up to you.

Why not?

It doesn't matter if you are now working on your communication skills.

So it's futile? Give me a break!

You also say you want her to open up to you, but really, are you being honest about that?

Yes.

You say you don't need sex every day, but you want her to "make love" to you every day. What, exactly does that mean?

It means we never let the other one forget that ours hearts are one. Her joys are my joys. Her struggles are my struggles. My dreams are her dreams. My fears are her fears. We are two halves of the same person. Making love every day means every act of kindness toward each other has profound meaning. Doing the dishes when she doesn't feel like it is making love. Smiling at each other for no reason at all is making love. Holding hands is making love. Winking at each other across a room is making love.

I would give my life for her.

She knows that.

But I don't have to give my life for her.

Do you know why?

Because I already have.

[Rotaglia]

I just texted my wife with the following message: “Honey, can I ask you something? When you and I talk, do you feel like I do a good job of really listening intently to you and that I make and effort to truly hear what you are trying to convey? Do you ever feel like I am not really getting the essence of your point?”

[elaine567]

I am NOT suggesting she do something she is flat-out unwilling to do.

So what do you call being flat out unwilling to give you sex for the past 18 months then...

 

I am saying that the will to do it can be cultivated if one really wants to. It is a matter of mindset and of generosity. It's about putting your partner's needs ahead of your own.

You want to force the issue by not listening to what she is telling you loud and clear, as you need sex and she "should" comply...

[Rotaglia]

So what do you call being flat out unwilling to give you sex for the past 18 months then... .

I don't want her to “give me” sex, as though it is something I am taking from her to bestow upon myself. What I seek is that we give each other the gift of sexual sharing again.

You want to force the issue by not listening to what she is telling you loud and clear, as you need sex and she "should" comply...

I could do as you suggest and infer that our sex life is permanently over no matter what, but since she hasn't said so unequivocally why would I draw that conclusion prematurely? Edited April 30, 2019 by Rotaglia

[elaine567]

I don't want her to “give me” sex, as though it is something I am taking from her to bestow upon myself. What I seek is that we give each other the gift of sexual sharing again.

Whatever way you phrase it, it makes no difference, she doesn't want to give, nor share or for you to give or take...

She is flat out unwilling, no?

[preraph]

Rotaglia, fyi, I don't think either sex should have to feel they must perform any sex act they do not enjoy or no longer enjoy or no longer want to do because they don't feel like having sex with a person.

[Rotaglia]

She is flat out unwilling, no?

Well, she hasn't been willing recently. But as the relationship continues to heal and improve, why not offer the possibility of a sexual thaw? The steamy kisses and embraces are happening. Sometimes when we spoon at night, I can feel some signs of arousal in her. Maybe that's involuntary, but maybe it's something more. I still have patience left. Perhaps, like me, she is scared to surrender to that impulse because of all that has happened. I get it.

[Rotaglia]

Rotaglia, fyi, I don't think either sex should have to feel they must perform any sex act they do not enjoy or no longer enjoy or no longer want to do because they don't feel like having sex with a person.

I don't think it's that cut-and-dried. You don't think couples sometimes have sex when one or both partners is not 100% into it but proceeds out of caring for the other?

[Rotaglia]

Suppose I stipulate that I'm a little dense and should have gotten the message my wife is sending by now and maybe I ought to stop asking for her to say something. Is it so terrible that I'd like her to restate her position for clarity?