Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[elaine567]

Would it kill her to say the following? “... Could we please talk about this and maybe hatch a plan to meet your sexual needs going forward? We might have to think quite differently about the issue, but I want you to know that I still find you handsome and sexy and quite wonderful and I am really lucky to be your wife. Let's find a solution together.”

 

Why would she say that?

She has no apparent interest in your sexual needs.

[Rotaglia]

She has no apparent interest in your sexual needs.

Not even in the abstract?

 

She has to also consider what will happen should we divorce and become ex-spouses. We will be in each other's lives forever. We have children together. She will likely lose the house. We will end up in two crummy two-bedroom apartments. She thinks she's burned out now?

[Marc878]

Your wife isn't stupid. She just doesn't care.

 

You are trying to rationalize what she should be thinking. In essence you're projecting your thoughts onto her.

 

I think this way so she has to as well. Nope, she sure doesn't.

[Rotaglia]

Your wife isn't stupid. She just doesn't care.

Define “stupid.”

[Marc878]

I suspect more talk won't get you much.

 

I don't think you get it yet.

[Marc878]

Define “stupid.”

 

Not knowing or understanding the ramifications if this ends in divorce.

 

She's a business woman so although she may not know the exact details she is not totally clueless as to the financial ramifications, etc.

[Rotaglia]

I must not do anything rash.

[Rotaglia]

She's a business woman so although she may not know the exact details she is not totally clueless as to the financial ramifications, etc.

And is she betting that it will be worth all that turmoil?

[Rotaglia]

I suspect more talk won't get you much.

Sadly, I suspect you are right.

I don't think you get it yet.

I'm a slow learner. So sue me.

[Marc878]

Sadly, I suspect you are right.

 

I'm a slow learner. So sue me.

 

It’s a process. It does take most in your predicament awhile to evolve.

 

You are trying to rationalize what she should do.

 

You have no control over her but can’t let the outcome go.

 

When you do only then can you go your own way.

 

Which is all you have

[Rotaglia]

[Children] mainly need to know they didn’t cause this and that you both love them.

The trouble is that kids often do blame themselves and they suffer terribly for it. My daughter is older (12) and fairly cynical but this will really hurt her if it happens. That really causes me to hesitate.

[preraph]

I suggested marriage counseling and she says she doesn't know but she'll think about it. Gee, what a ringing endorsement of the importance of the marriage to her!

 

@preraph I respectfully disagree 100% and I think your post is off-base.

 

Time will tell.

[preraph]

She sounds like she has a good enough job that she will end up living wherever she wants. If you have joint custody, she doesn't have to give YOU money. You split everything. You'll be expected to support yourself and pay for the kids' when you have the kids. She'll be expected to do the same. You might get a one-time setup for a new apartment or something.

 

And desire is NOT a choice.

Edited April 29, 2019 by preraph

[Rotaglia]

She sounds like she has a good enough job that she will end up living wherever she wants. If you have joint custody, she doesn't have to give YOU money. You split everything. You'll be expected to support yourself and pay for the kids' when you have the kids. She'll be expected to do the same. You might get a one-time setup for a new apartment or something.

It may not be automatic, but we can argue for alimony until finalization (I was the financially dependent spouse), plus child support and other things.

And desire is NOT a choice.

You are entitled to your point-of-view. I feel that if a person really wants to be in a marriage but sexual desire is flagging, they can make a choice to try to revive it. Many people do it. It is far from anecdotal. But facts and data seldom impress those convinced of the contrary.

[elaine567]

"Certain studies have shown that daughters of divorced parents have a 60 percent higher divorce rate in marriages than children of non-divorced parents while sons have a 35 percent higher rate."

[elaine567]

I feel that if a person really wants to be in a marriage but sexual desire is flagging, they can make a choice to try to revive it.

 

It is called "faking it", is that what you want?

[Rotaglia]

@elaine567 Thank you.

 

The trouble is that if we remain married while our romantic/sexual relationship is non-existent (even “for the kids”), it will create a host of problems along the way.

 

@elaine567 Regarding “faking it,” of course that is not desirable, but usually that term refers to orgasm, not sex per se. I would feel terrible if any woman, certainly my wife, felt it necessary to fake orgasm to make me feel better or to end the sexual activity. I would hope any sexual partner I have would honor me with the truth.

 

I abhor head games!

 

Head games

Instead of makin' love

Head games

And I can't take it anymore

—Foreigner

Edited April 29, 2019 by Rotaglia

[preraph]

It may not be automatic, but we can argue for alimony until finalization (I was the financially dependent spouse), plus child support and other things.

You are entitled to your point-of-view. I feel that if a person really wants to be in a marriage but sexual desire is flagging, they can make a choice to try to revive it. Many people do it. It is far from anecdotal. But facts and data seldom impress those convinced of the contrary.

 

You were financially dependent and taking care of the kids, but now you're working and the judge will expect you to continue working and you are both taking care of the kids. The judge isn't going to make someone pay you ongoing alimony or child support when the kids are getting up there and you're perfectly capable of working and both of you can split the kids. That's the norm.

[elaine567]

@elaine567 Regarding “faking it,” of course that is not desirable, but usually that term refers to orgasm, not sex per se. I would feel terrible if any woman, certainly my wife, felt it necessary to fake orgasm to make me feel better or to end the sexual activity. I would hope any sexual partner I have would honor me with the truth.

 

But your wife apparently does not want to have sex with you so in order for her to do so, she would need not only to fake orgasm, she would need to fake

the whole act.

[Rotaglia]

But your wife apparently does not want to have sex with you so in order for her to do so, she would need not only to fake orgasm, she would need to fake the whole act.

Rats.

 

So disappointing.

[preraph]

I don't think he cares, as long as he gets sex.

[Marc878]

You could martyr yourself like some suggest. Save the marriage at all cost!!! (The thing is your marriage right now Is just a meaningless piece of paper).

 

It's easy as long as you're not the one having to do it.

 

From what I've seen you probably have one shot. Cut out the talking, wishing, needy behavior. That's really a form of chasing which always pushes them farther away. The reality is your wife is a want but you don't need her. Let her go.

 

Go your own way for a bit. You keep wanting her to "get it" when you are the one who isn't "getting it".

 

You can only control yourself. Until you do that you'll keep wallowing in this.

[Rotaglia]

I don't think he cares, as long as he gets sex.

Really. That’s your impression after all this?

[preraph]

That's what it keeps coming back to.

[Rotaglia]

The reality is your wife is a want but you don't need her. Let her go.

Believe me, if she were my girlfriend and not my wife of 22 years and the mother of my children, she would be outta here, big time, a year ago or sooner!!! But our daughter complicates matters.

That's what it keeps coming back to.

Wait just a minute. You were responding to a post about taking sex from someone who wasn't really willing or who was giving in. That is not the same as wanting an equal, loving, emotionally intimate sex life with a contented wife who is invested in the relationship, which is the theme of this thread. Do not conflate the two. Edited April 29, 2019 by Rotaglia