Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

@Veronica73 Shifting emotions in a situation like this is pretty normal. In one moment, I may be angry; in another, I may be hopeful; in still another, I may be deeply in love; and in still another, I may say I am done.

 

This is an online forum, not my real life. Rotaglia is not my real name and he is not me. He's a bit thinner, has more hair and bigger muscles than I do. Women can't resist him and the admiration of his friends gets to be a little too much sometimes. He exercises more than I do, eats only a perfect diet, gets tons of sleep, and does yoga, meditates, and practices guitar and rides his bicycle every day.

[Veronica73]

I get it. And I like your sense of humor. Edited April 27, 2019 by Veronica73

[Rotaglia]

Let's just say I am feeling cautiously optimistic. We have an anniversary coming up in a month and who knows? We may even have sex before then. Wouldn't that be loverly?

 

I do think relationship success will depend in part on helping my wife manage stress effectively, targeting my messaging to her, and working on meeting her actual needs instead of the ones I imagine.

I'll never be your beast of burden

My back is broad but it's a-hurtin’

All I want is for you to make love to me (The Rolling Stones)

[Veronica73]

I like what you said, but I would be cautious about putting too much weight on the fact that your anniversary is coming up. Not that you asked for advice. But not everyone places as much value on anniversaries and birthdays and such as other people do.

 

I’ll shut up now, but I wish you the best.

[Rotaglia]

I’ll shut up now, but I wish you the best.

No one is asking you to shut up, least of all me!

[thefooloftheyear]

Let's just say I am feeling cautiously optimistic.

[/indent]

 

She's a nice woman....but you better ask for her permission first...:laugh:

 

TFY

[giotto]

I eventually exhausted her with these talks to the point where it eroded our ability to properly communicate and solve other conflicts that would arise. Through this all, she never presented the idea of splitting up. She was content to keep things as they were, even though she knew I wasn't.

 

Very similar story to mine, although my wife's communication was non existent from day one... and she was happy to be with me in a sexless relationship.

[giotto]

Let's just say I am feeling cautiously optimistic. We have an anniversary coming up in a month and who knows? We may even have sex before then. Wouldn't that be loverly?

 

Don't be surprised if she finds an excuse not to be there... because she knows what you will be trying to do...

[elaine567]

If this is going to work and sex resumes it will not be on an anniversary or any other planned event.

Women tend to be very aware of the minds of men as regards "manipulating" women into sex. Women who love sex or are happy having sex, know all about the subtle and not so subtle "manipulation" and are content to comply. They accept gifts, holidays and meals out as it all makes for happy times and is all part of the romantic game.

 

Once sex becomes an issue these "manipulations" to get sex by a man, are not seen as a innocent "game", they are exposed as efforts to exert control.

She doesn't want sex, he is trying his hardest to force her into having sex with him.

It is a turn off and these gifts, holidays and meals out then take on a different meaning for her. He is just doing it to get laid...

We have had many men here saying "I took her on holiday hoping to gets loads of sex, but it didn't happen."

It didn't happen because he didn't take her on holiday to spend quality time with her, he went on holiday to get his leg over and as soon as she caught wind of that it is game over. She got hurt, annoyed and upset.

Setting up this anniversary as some big deal, will likely be immediately seen by her as a big sex trap and nothing will happen.

[giotto]

Setting up this anniversary as some big deal, will likely be immediately seen by her as a big sex trap and nothing will happen.

 

True... can I also add that once the sex game starts deteriorating into a power battle, it doesn't matter what you do: your wife will perceive everything you do as a not very subtle attempt at "getting your leg over", as Elaine eloquently says...

 

I used to do a lot of cleaning, but when we started struggling with sex, my wife thought I was doing it only to get sex. Which wasn't true... it needed doing! I was never able to change that state of mind. I also always cooked... but funnily enough, she ate my meals... no problem there...

[Rotaglia]

1. I would never try to force anyone into having sex—that is rape and it is a very serious crime. Absolute red line, never, period, end of discussion;
   
2. I would never try to manipulate anyone into having sex, because unless sex is freely and joyfully given, it will only lead to problems;
   
3. I might try to gently prod my wife into having sex with me if I thought it would work. But right now that is not going to work;
   
4. I might playfully suggest that we have sex. Who knows? Maybe we will. Maybe we'll both enjoy it. It doesn't change the relationship or its problems, but at least it breaks the ice and opens us up to further exploration of our feelings for each other at this juncture;
   
5. I agree that linking sex to the anniversary is a bad idea. In fact, even supposing she were to suggest it I am not sure I would accept the offer given the state of the relationship;
   
6. We certainly don’t have to have sex to have an enjoyable anniversary;
   
7. I am not sure this should even be a romantic evening since I am understandably feeling rather romantically wary of a woman who continues to reject her husband of 22 years sexually;
   
8. We don’t have to have a conversation helpful to the marriage to have an enjoyable anniversary, although I am open to that;
   
9. Sex itself is not the biggest issue between us; it's the handling of the issue of sex and communication surrounding it that is the larger problem.
   

Edited April 28, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Mycatsnuggles]

May I suggest a new way of communicating which will allow both of you to express your thoughts without interruption and to allow for time to decide the concept you are trying to present.

 

When my husband and I were having problems we started texting each other. Many times the messages would begin in anger but having to READ each other’s responses actually forced us to LISTEN. When talking (arguing) directly with him I would find myself formulating my response while he was talking. He would do the same. Neither one hearing the others point of view only ruminating in our own anger and self pity. He like you Rogotti loves to lecture. Many times my brain would shut down. I would say anything to just make him stop talking. Eventually I found by continually repeating a phrase, in your wives case no sex, would be the only way to stop the lecture. I believe you feel you are presenting valid points to your wife but I am wondering if she is just shutting down because the lecture is to much.

 

Try writing your thoughts out in an email. Reread it several times. The goal is to present “I feel” statements. NOT ACCUSATIONS. I feel angry because I feel we are not communicating. I feel hurt because I am afraid our marriage is getting lost.

 

The only person you can change is YOURSELF. Change you and see if she follows. If not then change your circumstances.

[Rotaglia]

@Mycatsnuggles I too have noticed that the written word is often more effective with my wife. I typed her a note this morning about options for marriage counseling and she responded by text saying she wasn’t sure but she would think about it. That’s a better response than I would have gotten if I had tried to accomplish the same thing by talking to her.

 

I hear you about using I-statements, but one must be careful. Here are some I-statements that would not work and which would be counterproductive:

 

1. I am upset because you are an a**hole;
   
2. I feel like whacking you with a wet noodle;
   
3. I am sick of your bulls**t.
   

[giotto]

From my experience - I am old - when someone tells me they will think about it - it’s definitely NO...

 

Totally agree...

[BettyDraper]

R, I don’t think that bringing up sex on your anniversary will go well.

Your wife isn’t going to become interested in sex just because it’s your anniversary.

 

Spouses who actively refuse to discuss marital issues don’t deserve acknowledgment of anniversaries. Being romantic and sexual on your anniversary will make you look like you’re begging and that’s a turn off.

[giotto]

 

Ya get what ya give, ya know?

 

I would just give her some flowers, wish her happy anniversary with a peck on the cheek and then leave for a day out on your own...

[elaine567]

All this tit for tat stuff is great and self satisfying if he wanted a divorce but as he has stated numerous time he doesn't want one, then I see no point in rocking the boat and making her hate him...

[elaine567]

His wife likely won’t miss him - she’s been indifferent for two years.

That is not true.

In this case it is only the sex that she has withdrawn.

[notbroken]

There are women who will love you, be attracted to you, want to have sex with you, respect you (but you have to earn it), and treat you well. Why do you want to stay with a woman that does not do those things (and yes the evidence is definitely there)?

 

Life is short. Yes, divorce is hard. It is also very worth it when your wife is at the point she is. BTDT. Divorce is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I am so glad we did though. Neither of us was going to ever be happy together. Just wondering if that is where you are too. Do you still want to be where you are at 5 years from now? Next year? Next week? It is up to you to make changes - she has told you she is not.

 

I for one refuse to live in a sexless or loveless marriage. There just isn't any happiness there for me though that wasn't as clear when I was actually in it. Honestly, after having been there and come out the other side I'd bail. Sooner rather than later. Much sooner rather than later.

[Rotaglia]

That is not true.

In this case it is only the sex that she has withdrawn.

***Here we have the essential point of the entire thread, right here!!!***

 

It is not ONLY THE SEX that is gone, and frankly I resent the suggestion. It is the romantic, erotic, and sexual bond that she has destroyed with her indifference, her passivity, her withdrawal from the relationship. She has shown disrespect to her husband—not by refusing sex, but by refusing even a loving conversation about why sex is difficult or impossible for her. She has refused marriage counseling. She has said she is ambivalent about the relationship. I am at my wit's end not solely because we are not having sex but because of her response to that predicament, her poor judgment, her lousy communication skills, and her apparent belief that my patience in inexhaustible.

 

Would it kill her to say the following? “Honey, I am so sorry I haven’t been there for you sexually for the last eighteen months and counting. I know how painful and devastating that has been for you. I should have spoken up when the problem first surfaced but I was so scared. Please forgive me. I have just been so burned out by work, the kids, my mother, everything—I just haven’t felt interested and I didn’t know how to talk to you about it and was afraid of how you would react, that you would pick up and leave. I am still afraid of that. Could we please talk about this and maybe hatch a plan to meet your sexual needs going forward? We might have to think quite differently about the issue, but I want you to know that I still find you handsome and sexy and quite wonderful and I am really lucky to be your wife. Let's find a solution together.”

 

But, noo-oo! It's too much to freaking ask after 22 years. I deserve better than the treatment I am getting. She may love me but she fumbling badly and her marital conduct of late has been unacceptable.

 

Love is not some irresistible force that takes you over. It is a choice.

Desire is not some magical spell that overtakes you. It too is a choice.

She can choose to rekindle the desire if she wants to.

Unfortunately, she is apparently choosing not to and that is incredibly disappointing, to say the least.

Edited April 29, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Marc878]

I think as long as you keep expecting her to "get it" you're just setting yourself up for dissapointment.

[Rotaglia]

I think as long as you keep expecting her to "get it" you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

So I will sit her down and tell her. I have nothing to lose at this point.

[Rotaglia]

@notbroken Very well stated. It seems I am standing at a very sad crossroads. I really expected better.

 

My only hesitation is our children, especially our twelve-year-old. It wouldn't be fair to her to not live with both parents full time. I could ride this out for another six years but I worry how she would feel if one of us files for divorce shortly after she enrolls in college. It would be quite the kick in the teeth, and she is the type to take things personally.

[preraph]

Rotaglia, I'm sure she might have said something like that if she wanted to have sex again, but she knows this is not anything you or she can fix. What are you going to do give her a lobotomy? I don't know what kind of superpowers you think you have, but you don't have the power to fix this. She is her own person with her own brain and her own emotions and her own needs. If you haven't accepted by now that she's not going to barter and negotiate with you so you can get sex it's high time you did.

 

And yes it is just sex she has stopped. All that other stuff you mentioned is just what leads up to sex or a way to get her to barter so she will have sex with you. You know she doesn't want to. She knows you know she doesn't want to. You cling to the hope that the reason is something you can fix or talk her out of. I still think you know the reasons and that is an accumulation of reasons, and I know she thinks you know the reasons. She probably figures anymore talk on the subject is only going to hurt you more if she has to be brutal with you.

 

I hope she does go to counseling with you because I think that process will probably make it easier for you to move on if that's what needs to be done. I did counselor will keep you from this circular thinking and get to the heart of it.

[Rotaglia]

I hope she does go to counseling with you because I think that process will probably make it easier for you to move on if that's what needs to be done. I did counselor will keep you from this circular thinking and get to the heart of it.

I suggested marriage counseling and she says she doesn't know but she'll think about it. Gee, what a ringing endorsement of the importance of the marriage to her!

 

@preraph I respectfully disagree 100% and I think your post is off-base.

Edited April 29, 2019 by Rotaglia