Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

It has indeed become more important to project masculine strength in light of recent events so I have been concentrating on that of late.

[Rotaglia]

@S2B It's not about settling. This is about making a choice based on a complex series of factors. Each member of the couple has the right to leave at any point where they feel it necessary. For me, the calculus is complicated by the fact that we have a twelve-year-old at home (and a twenty-year-old in college), a mother-in-law who has dementia and needs me to care for her, and a basically sound relationship with my wife with a few significant problems that have not yet been resolved.

 

Sticking around a while in hopes of resolving them makes sense for me. If we cannot resolve them soon, I then face a very stark choice.

[giotto]

 

Sticking around a while in hopes of resolving them makes sense for me. If we cannot resolve them soon, I then face a very stark choice.

 

I agree with this approach. If you can bear the sexlessness, stick around for a bit. Sure, 6 years is a tad long, but you can only try. The big sticking point for me (no pun intended) would be the treatment that my wife has decided to inflict on me, with no proper explanation. My resentment would grow and grow...

[Rotaglia]

I agree with this approach. If you can bear the sexlessness, stick around for a bit. Sure, 6 years is a tad long, but you can only try. The big sticking point for me (no pun intended) would be the treatment that my wife has decided to inflict on me, with no proper explanation. My resentment would grow and grow...

Yes, that is why I need to insist on a series of conversations about what has happened in this relationship over the last year or so, how I perceive her behavior and its impact on me, and what is required to restore a sense of emotional intimacy. If taking sex off the table for a while more is what it takes to achieve that, so be it. This marriage is worth preserving but we are going to have to interact differently going forward.

[BettyDraper]

Him being a stay at home dad isn't necessarily the issue, unless he's being less than forthcoming about her wanting that. My ex-neighbor was married to a doctor and did all that while she was in residency and now that she has her own practice. He was a waiter when they met, so it's not like he gave up a big career for it. They got along splendidly and I know they had sex because they were having about a baby a year at last count. Of course, he did lots of manly things in addition to the childcare and housecare, like mowing the yard and plowing a garden patch and smoking meat! Who wouldn't want to be married to that?

 

You would be very surprised how many women would prefer to be with a man who is not inclined to stay at home. This is why stay at home fathers are still rare. In fact, I believe that the vast majority of women prefer men who earn as least as much as they do or preferably more.

[BettyDraper]

Responsible adults who care about something more than their dicks.

 

The OP has clearly shown that he is bitter and angry about not having sex. He has even mentioned divorce more than once.

 

Expecting sex in any type of romantic relationship is not irresponsible.

It’s an entirely reasonable expectation.

[BettyDraper]

@S2B It's not about settling. This is about making a choice based on a complex series of factors. Each member of the couple has the right to leave at any point where they feel it necessary. For me, the calculus is complicated by the fact that we have a twelve-year-old at home (and a twenty-year-old in college), a mother-in-law who has dementia and needs me to care for her, and a basically sound relationship with my wife with a few significant problems that have not yet been resolved.

 

Sticking around a while in hopes of resolving them makes sense for me. If we cannot resolve them soon, I then face a very stark choice.

 

In a sound relationship, couples have honest discussions about any topic. There is no stonewalling because that indicates a lack of love and respect.

 

You’re staying for your children and comfortable life. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that if you’re prepared for the ramifications of that decision. Based on what you post here, it doesn’t seem like you are completely fine with not having sex with your wife again.

[bathtub-row]

Admittedly, I haven’t kept up with this post but I’m really curious as to why there’s such push for him to divorce, or such criticism about him choosing not to leave. Will his life be any better if he does? Will everyone in the family be better off after that?

 

So what if he’s settling or whatever. It’s not like he’s in an abusive relationship that he needs to get out of. His wife has shut off communication on this issue and has cut off sex. It’s cold and insensitive of her but if he’s willing to deal with it, then more power to him. I’ve seen worse marriages. Maybe when they’re in their 80’s this won’t matter in the least and they’ll still have their marriage.

[BettyDraper]

@bathtub-row

 

The OP's wife told him to find someone who can give him the love that she can't.

After that, the OP mentioned divorce more than once when he was understandably angry about the whole situation.

 

If the OP chooses not to leave, he needs to stop being angry and petulant about the situation or else that could destroy his marriage even more than it already is.

 

I believe that it's emotionally abusive to stonewall one's spouse.

Edited April 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

@BettyDraper I think there's at least one more option other than separation/divorce on the one hand and staying and putting up with the status quo on the other (neither of which is a particularly enticing option for me).

 

One of the alternatives is staying with the proviso that my wife and I work on improving the marriage together. We have an anniversary coming up and that's the perfect time to reboot.

 

But of course I will need buy-in and commitment to the rebuilding effort from my wife.

[Blanco]

OP, how many jobs have you applied for since starting this thread?

[preraph]

We should consider that she may only be sticking it out because he IS taking care of everything at home, just as many married men over the years haven't wanted to divorce their SAHM who is holding down the fort because they don't want to have to change up their own lifestyle. It's a possibility. Plus they get along except for she's 56 and done with sex. There is the remote possibility that her hormones will surge again at some point, but he shouldn't count on it, and it may not be her hormones but her mindset and how she's come to view him that is the issue -- probably a bit of both. It's pretty normal at her age. He's not far behind her, and it may cease to be an issue to him sooner than he thinks.

 

You know, the day Viagra was put on the market, the drone of older women rolling their eyes could be heard all over the world. They knew it was only going to stir up a problem they thought they were past having to deal with. An early poll showed 75 percent of women were against it. Of course it's great for young people with real ED problems, but not so much those who "age out."

[Rotaglia]

Those who have read the thread carefully know that (regardless of the thread title), our issues are not fundamentally about sex but rather concerning marital behavior, emotional intimacy, communication, and respect. If the latter four were satisfactory the lack of sex would be a heck of a lot more bearable and the marriage would be on much more solid ground going forward.

 

A couple can make love without the physical act of sex; I want to do that every day with my wife but we aren't really doing that now. Even couples who are abstaining from sex have a sex life; I want to have a sex life with my wife. Do you see where I am coming from?

[Rotaglia]

OP, how many jobs have you applied for since starting this thread?

I start my new job on Monday for 37.5 hours a week. The salary is very good. I'm still trying to figure out how I will handle my mother-in-law's care with the new schedule plus my musical commitments and miscellaneous responsibilities around my own home, but I will manage. I'm going to be quite busy!

[bathtub-row]

The OP's wife told him to find someone who can give him the love that she can't.

 

It’s quite possible that she said that to him because she expected him to leave once he figured out that she no longer wanted sex. Of course, there are a million possibilities as to what she meant.

 

It may be emotional abuse but it’s not abuse in the way that true abusers abuse, with malicious intent.

 

You know, the day Viagra was put on the market, the drone of older women rolling their eyes could be heard all over the world. They knew it was only going to stir up a problem they thought they were past having to deal with. An early poll showed 75 percent of women were against it. Of course it's great for young people with real ED problems, but not so much those who "age out."

 

Considering that there seems to be a lot of sex-avoidant women out there, you may be right. But, in this case, she's pretty young to no longer enjoy sex. I’m still betting on an affair.

Edited April 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and truncate quotes

[elaine567]

The OP's wife told him to find someone who can give him the love that she can't.

 

That seems be quite a common response, but it is I guess born out of exasperation and anger, rather then being something said that she wants him to take literally.

[Rotaglia]

@bathtub-row If indeed it is an affair, she may as well confess it already. I would be upset of course but at least we would know where we are and we could figure out in a clearheaded way where we want to go from here. It would have a clarifying effect on the situation (not that I want that kind of clarity, of course).

[Rotaglia]

That seems be quite a common response, but it is I guess born out of exasperation and anger, rather then being something said that she wants him to take literally.

It was such a devastating thing for her to say. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I hugged her and told her that I wasn't going anywhere and we would work things out.

 

Her behavior before and after that was nevertheless equally baffling. Probably stress, exhaustion, and menopause were factor but they might not explain things entirely.

[Blanco]

I start my new job on Monday for 37.5 hours a week. The salary is very good. I'm still trying to figure out how I will handle my mother-in-law's care with the new schedule plus my musical commitments and miscellaneous responsibilities around my own home, but I will manage. I'm going to be quite busy!

 

Congrats. If nothing else, this shows that you are willing to financially contribute and/or supports yourself, so take some pride in that. If you were really just looking to retain the status quo of the household, you would've continued to hem and haw about going out and find employment, so my hat is off to you.

[Rotaglia]

My wife will not be oblivious to the fact that the new job reflects a realignment of my priorities and a move toward financial independence, but I don’t lose much by sending that message and I gain a lot.

[5x5]

It was such a devastating thing for her to say. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I hugged her and told her that I wasn't going anywhere and we would work things out.

 

She told you she is done having sex with you. At the time you should have believed her. Almost two years, has proven you should believe her.

 

Yet here you are second guessing her, interminably to no end at all.

 

At the end of the day since her words match her actions, you would do well to believe her.

 

For your own sake I wish you would take on board the fact, that your wife is done with you sexually! Seriously she doesn't care who you **** (as long as it isn't her), or if you don't **** anyone at all.

 

That said while ever you stick around choosing celibacy, that is exactly what you will get. Make no mistake, as it now stands you are the only person who is responsible for choosing to be in a sexless marriage.

 

Do something about it or do not, all else on this is simply superfluous piffle.

[Rotaglia]

@S2B

Of course she does. It's a team effort among my wife, my brother-in-law, and me. We'll all be together for Passover this coming week. It should be nice.

Edited April 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Rotaglia, change is almost always good, one way or another.

[Marc878]

Let your wife take over the responsibility for your MIL.

 

I was a SAHD for awhile. It’s a lot of work and I don’t think most understand that.

 

Time to divy that up

[Rotaglia]

Let your wife take over the responsibility for your MIL.

Easier said than done. My wife and brother-in-law work extremely demanding jobs paired with commutes. My schedule—even with the new job—is a lot more flexible. So even though it would make sense for them to be more involved, it simply won't happen right now. I do feel well supported in what I do. We do have some professionals helping; meanwhile, my MIL is in an assisted living facility but may have to transition to memory care sooner rather than later. All of this is not easy to coordinate from a distant state but that is the situation. Tomorrow I fly in to help her pack to come here to join us for Passover.

 

What is theoretically best in the abstract does not always convey to the real world.

Edited April 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator