Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Marc878]

My wife keeps telling me: lots of couple at our age (mid-fifties) don't have sex any more. I accept that. They do exist, but I'm afraid I'm wired differently... I'm not living the marriage just because of sex. It's because I cannot have that old bond any more and I don't want to pester my wife with silly sexual requests. It wouldn't be right. We will be fine.

 

Good guys are at a premium I suspect you are going to be very, very surprised.

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[giotto]

Good guys are at a premium I suspect you are going to be very, very surprised.

 

If you are talking about me, thank you. I wasn't completely faultless in the marriage, but I thought we patched it up. I was wrong.

 

But it's fine. I won't be looking for another woman in the near future. Just regroup, regain focus and establish my priorities. It's a shame, but it's out of my hands.

[elaine567]

Good guys are at a premium I suspect you are going to be very, very surprised.

 

Well it all depends what he can offer to a woman.

Seems to me, little changes with age, the guys who were popular in HS are still popular at 50+

Yes there are guys who tidied up their act and blossomed into desirable older men, and there are guys who due to money, talent and charm will do well with women, but for your average divorced older guy, rotund, balding/bald and grey and dare I say it "boring" or bitter and battle scarred, then I guess the results are pretty mixed...

 

Also some of the woman in the dating pool are just really looking for companions and providers...like the wives here, they gave up on sex... beware the bait and switch...

[giotto]

The trouble is, we have a twelve-year-old child and there is no way in hell I am going to deprive her of 100% time with her mom and 100% with her dad until she leaves for college, period.

 

Then, you will have to wait. Maybe she will change her mind in the meantime.

 

Life is tough. I stayed (although we were having sex, occasionally... ). You can stay. I understand. I've been on several forums were people crucified me for staying. Focus your mind on other things and remember you are there for your little girl.

[Marc878]

Well it all depends what he can offer to a woman.

 

It's better to have chance than the known nothing he's getting now. Do you really think people get married and expect zero intimacy?

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Do you really think people get married and expect zero intimacy?

No, but he had 20 years of intimacy... Things change as people age and other priorities can shove sex off the end of the conveyor belt.. We do not live in a perfect world.

Ditching someone after a short relationship is one thing, divorce after 22 years is definitely another...

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

Why? Marriage for it to hold together requires some form of intimacy. If a wife or husband ditches the intimacy especially at an early age of mid 40's you must take what comes with that.

 

You'd have to be incredibly naive to think zero sex in a marriage should be ok

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[giotto]

You'd have to be incredibly naive to think zero sex in a marriage should be ok

 

It's ok if both partners agree. But thinking that, after 20 years, it's normal not to have or want sex anymore, well, I totally disagree.

 

I understand that some women - empty nest syndrome, menopause - don't want sex at a certain age, but what's the solution if the husband still wants it? The OP's wife, like my wife, is being totally inflexible. Of course it's her priority, but she could make her husband happy by having sex once a month with him, for example. 20 minutes of sex every month doesn't kill anybody. Her behaviour indicates only one thing to me: she doesn't love him any more and she is prepared to divorce over it.

[Rotaglia]

Right now I am not simply going without sexual intercourse and other sex-adjacent activities. I am also going without the emotional intimacy with my wife that is absolutely essential. Maybe I'm holding back on the emotional intimacy because I am still feeling hurt over the abrupt, undiscussed halt to sexual activity that caused so much harm. Perhaps she is holding back on the emotional intimacy because she's afraid it might lead to sex in my mind. Perhaps that means the emotional intimacy can't return until sex is entirely off the table.

 

But as usual, it would be nice to have her input instead of just trying to guess all the time what's going on in her head.

[BaileyB]

The trouble is, we have a twelve-year-old child and there is no way in hell I am going to deprive her of 100% time with her mom and 100% with her dad until she leaves for college, period. She needs both of us. So a divorce in the next six years is out of the question unless my wife decides to file.

 

Well, it appears your decision is made. You will have the next eight years to make your peace with the situation as you wait around and see if your wife will somehow regain her interest in sex. I would suggest that you use your time wisely - get a job and start saving some money so that you have more options and you are not going to be a financial burden on your family in the event of eventual divorce.

[Rotaglia]

I certainly don’t want any rash decisions made without a full dialogue with my wife. Maybe we have miscommunicated. Maybe there is room for compromise and we’re both a little scared to speak up.

[BaileyB]

Why? Marriage for it to hold together requires some form of intimacy. If a wife or husband ditches the intimacy especially at an early age of mid 40's you must take what comes with that.

 

Except she is not mid-40’s. She is mid-50’s, soon to be late 50’s. There is a big difference for a woman between mid-40’s and late 50’s.

 

The age difference, while not a problem when you were younger, is not working to your advantage now OP.

Edited April 15, 2019 by BaileyB

[Rotaglia]

@BaileyB You are right about the age difference being a factor.

 

At the risk of repeating myself, this would all be much easier for me if I could have a loving, detailed, compassionate dialogue with my wife. She doesn't necessarily even have to do anything with me physically if she simply can't (although it would be nice).

 

What she may not realize is that how we handle the issue on the communication/emotion level could be decisive in terms of whether the marriage is sustainable. I can't guarantee that would be enough for me but I would like to find out.

 

One thing I have noticed is that during this period when we are not having sex, the tenderness that I crave is likewise absent.

 

I keenly miss:

1. Flirtation;
   
2. Sexy makeout sessions;
   
3. Undressing and showering together;
   
4. Foreplay;
   
5. Oral sex (she stopped doing that for me a while ago but I still like doing it for her);
   
6. Sexual intercourse;
   
7. Post-coital snuggling and conversation.
   

All of those things are emotionally intimate activities that are now missing and their absence leaves an emotional void for me.

Edited April 15, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

What she may not realize is that how we handle the issue on the communication/emotion level could be decisive in terms of whether the marriage is sustainable. I can't guarantee that would be enough for me but I would like to find out.

 

The marriage is sustainable though. You just said you are not leaving for the next eight years - she knows you are not going anywhere and as such, she doesn’t have to change a thing. You have made no plans, she knows you can’t support yourself financially - she knows you have no intention of leaving. And, in eight years when/if you make the decision to actually leave - she will be mid-60’s and you will be mid-late 50’s... by then, you are even less likely to leave the marriage in search of sex.

[Rotaglia]

@Crazelnut Okay, you made made laugh super hard with that one. I hear you. Listen, how about a little slack, okay? I post here because I find it soothing and therapeutic to do so. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? I mean, I am sorry if it irritates you but you can show me a bit of kindness, can you not?

[giotto]

You just said you are not leaving for the next eight years -

 

Six years... that's 25% less already...

[Rotaglia]

@giotto, six years, eight years, whatever. It's not a prison sentence. I do love this woman and I love our family. Yes, I could decide to seek a divorce now and a chance at new love that includes sex, but honestly I just don't see that working out well for any of us, least of all me.

 

What I will do is get myself a job and make other adjustments that benefit my life as a whole so I expand my options. It is no insult to my wife to better myself and it is a matter of prudent self-protection.

 

Meanwhile, I just went upstairs where my wife was getting ready for a business trip. I hugged her from behind, kissed her neck, and told her she was beautiful, because she is (it blows my mind). I told her I appreciated all the things she does for our family and for me, because I do. I haven't lost sight of any of that.

[preraph]

Rotaglia, I give you credit for at least not putting sex ahead of your children. I truly just find it appalling how for some men, sex is their number one priority, even up next to a 20 or 30 year history of being together and having a family and all the shared experiences. I just don't think if getting off is a person's top priority, that they have much capacity for actual love, that's all.

 

I'm glad you get all the ranting out here on the board and not at home. You simply can't let your kids get a whiff of this, how close you came to leaving them and your wife because she got older and doesn't want sex. Terrible messaging.

[giotto]

@giotto, six years, eight years, whatever.

 

 

I agree you should stay... at least until your little one is 18... I did that. We did get on. But we did have sex... not sure how long I would have lasted without.

[Rotaglia]

My daughter knows Mom and Dad have had some tough conversations while she was supposed to be asleep in her bedroom. It was inevitable that she would pick up on it. We have reassured her and I think she is okay.

[Rotaglia]

I figure one can never lose trying to optimize whatever relationship one happens to be in, regardless of whether it lasts another 40 minutes, 40 months, or 40 years.

[preraph]

My daughter knows Mom and Dad have had some tough conversations while she was supposed to be asleep in her bedroom. It was inevitable that she would pick up on it. We have reassured her and I think she is okay.

 

Kids know everything if they are in the house when it is being dealt with, whether verbal or not. You can't argue in another room and expect kids not to know.

[Marc878]

IMO staying for the kids is an excuse to do nothing. They aren't stupid and youre are teaching them what? It's ok to be weak and doormatish. Let others decide your fate because you have zero direction in your life. What do you want them to grow up yo be?

 

Kids learn most from their parents.

 

Women unless they are lesbian look for men not a wife. It's a strength versus weakness thing. Strength is attractive. Weakness is not. Sex requires some attraction, respect.

 

Take a hard look at yourself. What do you see?

Edited April 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

IMO staying for the kids is an excuse to do nothing. They aren't stupid and youre are teaching them what?

 

Responsible adults who care about something more than their dicks.

Edited April 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Him being a stay at home dad isn't necessarily the issue, unless he's being less than forthcoming about her wanting that. My ex-neighbor was married to a doctor and did all that while she was in residency and now that she has her own practice. He was a waiter when they met, so it's not like he gave up a big career for it. They got along splendidly and I know they had sex because they were having about a baby a year at last count. Of course, he did lots of manly things in addition to the childcare and housecare, like mowing the yard and plowing a garden patch and smoking meat! Who wouldn't want to be married to that?