Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[BaileyB]

She doesn't care about you sexually. For many women, to do it anyway would make them feel used and objectified, and when men put the top priority on it as many do, it just makes them wonder if men really even have feelings for them at all that don't center around sexual gratification.

 

I agree with this.

 

Your wife has decided for whatever reason, she is not interested in sex anymore. I personally think it has a lot to do with her age, the fact that she has a lot of responsibility in life, and it is a reflection of all you have been through and where you are in your relationship (both good and bad).

 

You ask - “Why does she not care about my feelings and why can she not just do it to make me happy?” For all you know, she’s been having sex with you for the past 10 years because she wanted to make you happy, not because she particularly wanted to have sex. Perhaps, she has decided that she can’t do that anymore. You don’t know. You say, “When we were first married, she wanted it all the time.” Well, things change - bodies change, relationships change, sex drives change, people change...

 

By all accounts, she appears to be very happy with how she has redefined your marriage. Sex is not missing for her, as it is for you. She is 56 years old and you have been married for... how many years? She has been there and done that. Many women of her age and stage of life do this... they are ready to settle into a life of comfortable companionship.

 

Again, after all this discussion... If she refuses to communicate or compromise, then you have two options - accept this as the “new normal” or leave. It’s sad, but those are your only options.

[Rotaglia]

I don't agree that accept or leave are my only two options. After 22 years of marriage, surely some sort of compromise is in the offing? If we could just talk about it, I'm sure some kind of arrangement could be made. Her husband remains a sexual being. For her to pretend that he isn't is just plain unfair and unkind.

[preraph]

Your daughter came to you when you're real old and tells you: I love my husband, but I just don't feel like having sex with him anymore. He feels more like a father or brother to me now. He is a great father and we get along, except when he wants sex. I've been doing it anyway for a couple of years, but I just feel like he has no regard for my feelings and what I need and only cares about if he gets sex or not. I do all this stuff for him and our family, but sex seems to be the thing that is the dealbreaker for him, and I just feel he doesn't appreciate anything else I do enough or he wouldn't be that way. Now, we fight about it and he gets ugly about it and thinks I should just do it anyway, but that makes me feel used, just like it did when I had consensual sex and gave in to him wanting to do things I didn't feel comfortable doing. And just the fact he wants me to do it anyway makes me question what I ever saw in him to begin with, because that seems disrespectful, like he feels like he bought and paid for me and is entitled.

 

What do you tell her? And let's make it a rule that no, you cannot unload on her about your own situation. What advice do you give her?

[Marc878]

If we could just talk about it, I'm sure some kind of arrangement could be made. Her husband remains a sexual being. For her to pretend that he isn't is just plain unfair and unkind.

 

That takes two. She apparently isn't in the game.

 

And there's so much more to them and what they've put into the relationship that it's a pill that doesn't go down well.

 

There are 2 people in a marriage. Zero intimacy in a marriage means that relationship is over. You stay and accept or you find someone who is compatible.

 

Why stay in this?

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

1. How old are you?
   
2. Are there any medical problems (diagnosed or not) that could be interfering with your sex drive?
   
3. If you could recover your sex drive and subsequently enjoy sex with your husband again, would you want to pursue that possibility? If not, why not?
   
4. Is there anything you might be willing to do to accommodate your husband’s need that you can tolerate? Can you touch him with another part of your body (other than the usual one) in a sexual way?
   
5. Would you consider opening up your relationship?
   
6. Have you seen an individual therapist, marriage counselor, or sex therapist?
   
7. Is there any chance that you have been unfaithful in your marriage?
   
8. Have you experienced some kind of sexual trauma in the past that could be interfering with your ability to enjoy sex in the present?
   
9. Have you talked to your husband about your current feelings toward sex? What was the outcome of that discussion?
   

[preraph]

So when you have a family, kids, a home, and all that, the most important thing is still sex?

[preraph]

There are 2 people in a marriage. Zero intimacy in a marriage means that relationship is over. You stay and accept or you find someone who is compatible.

 

Why stay in this?

 

It doesn't have to mean the relationship is over. Lots of elderly people stay together after all that is no longer manageable.

[Marc878]

It doesn't have to mean the relationship is over. Lots of elderly people stay together after all that is no longer manageable.

 

They are not elderly.

[preraph]

Uh, they are. She's no doubt past menopause.

[Marc878]

So when you have a family, kids, a home, and all that, the most important thing is still sex?

 

It all depends on whether you want a roommate or a wife. People who get married normally want intimacy. If you don't have any then what do you have?

 

This isn't gender specific either. It often works both ways.

[Marc878]

Uh, they are. She's no doubt past menopause.

 

Nope, there's always an excuse in these situations but in this case elderly isn't it.

[BaileyB]

I don't agree that accept or leave are my only two options. After 22 years of marriage, surely some sort of compromise is in the offing? If we could just talk about it, I'm sure some kind of arrangement could be made. Her husband remains a sexual being. For her to pretend that he isn't is just plain unfair and unkind.

 

I don’t disagree.

 

But, the reality of the situation is - she has said no to sex (something that is her right to do) and she is not willing to talk with you about it. How do you compromise with that - you don’t. You can continue to bang your head against this wall or you can accept the situation for what it is... those are you options. Life isn’t always fair.

[preraph]

It all depends on whether you want a roommate or a wife. People who get married normally want intimacy. If you don't have any then what do you have?

 

This isn't gender specific either. It often works both ways.

 

Well, you have that in the beginning, of course. But it's rare you still have it once you're both old. I'll tell you another thing I've heard. Say the man still wants it but can't get aroused without a lot of effort. Which happens with age. I would say it happens to a lot of them who are even in their forties. So they need a lot of encouragement, which quickly becomes a chore, especially if the woman isn't even all that active anyway because of menopause. When you're young, you're used to a guy just "being ready," but that doesn't happen like that once they reach a certain point, and it can make women not even feel attractive or make them feel like, Oh, he doesn't even really want it because he can't get it up without a lot of work. All that stuff happens as you get older.

 

Now, I know that certainly not all women lose interest in sex after menopause, but at a certain point, just aging can make it hard to have sex, make it hurt to have someone on you, make it impossible to be on your knees or twist around and contort yourself to get in some foreplay position. It's just a fact of life.

 

And medications can certainly make both men and women have some libido issues, especially men. Or at least that's what they will blame it on sometimes. And it can be an issue, according to side effect info on some meds.

 

Sex ought not to be the number one priority in a marriage when you have a family.

[elaine567]

who get married normally want intimacy. If you don't have any then what do you have?

 

You have a life together, you have kids, you have a long history, you have made sacrifices, you have pumped all your money into the relationship, you have spent years looking after a sick man, you have love... and all that is null and void if there is no sex????

Really???

[Marc878]

You have a life together, you have kids, you have a long history, you have made sacrifices, you have pumped all your money into the relationship, you have spent years looking after a sick man, you have love... and all that is null and void if there is no sex????

Really???

 

So you think the OP should live out the rest of his life like a monk and masterbate because his wife could care less about him?

[BettyDraper]

Uh, they are. She's no doubt past menopause.

 

The OP stated that his wife is 56 and he is 49. Those are not elderly ages.

[Marc878]

 

Sex ought not to be the number one priority in a marriage when you have a family.

 

It's a big part of any marriage. No one Gets married because they think their partner will be a good roommate.

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

So you think the OP should live out the rest of his life like a monk and masterbate because his wife could care less about him?

 

Sex does not equal love or caring, who says she couldn't care less about him?

[Marc878]

Sex does not equal love or caring, who says she couldn't care less about him?

 

I do by her actions regarding zero intimacy.

[BettyDraper]

So you think the OP should live out the rest of his life like a monk and masterbate because his wife could care less about him?

 

For some reason, prioritizing sex in a marriage is vilified.

I don't understand why because sex is a crucial component of the marital bond.

 

Barring any illnesses, spouses should be willing to fulfill each other's sexual needs as much as they can.

[BettyDraper]

Sex does not equal love or caring, who says she couldn't care less about him?

 

I disagree. Sex is certainly one way to show love between spouses.

That said, I feel that the OP's wife is showing that she doesn't care by refusing to discuss the issue at hand.

[BaileyB]

The OP stated that his wife is 56 and he is 49. Those are not elderly ages.

 

No, but lots of people in that age range don’t have sex. The stats show a decline in the frequency and some people (both men and women) can’t/chose not to have sex anymore because of health issues, ED, menopause, disability, declining interest... There is nothing particularly unusual about what she is doing.

 

She has clearly done a cost benefit analysis and decided that it would be acceptable to stop having sex with her husband. Perhaps, she has believes that he will either accept the redifined terms of the marriage and keep the status quo. Or perhaps, she has made her peace with the fact that he may chose to end the marriage and leave (one would have to think that when she began to refuse sex, she knew she may lose her marriage because sex is a part of marriage and she had decided that she was ok with this possibility...)

[Marc878]

OP needs to do the same analysis. At 46 fo you want to stay in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life because your wife could care less about what you want or need?

[BaileyB]

I disagree. Sex is certainly one way to show love between spouses.

That said, I feel that the OP's wife is showing that she doesn't care by refusing to discuss the issue at hand.

 

Sex is one way to show love. There are certainly others...

And yes, it would be her absolute refusal to discuss the situation and compromise that would be the dealbreaker for me. That is the more selfish act, IMHO.

[Rotaglia]

Whatever the merits of her choices, she could have done it in more forthcoming, kind, and loving way than silence and then, after a year, stonewalling, crying, and threatening separation merely bringing up the sexlessness and her ambivalence about the relationship (possibly partly explained by menopause).