Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[giotto]

"Sex is now off the menu for reasons I do not really want to talk about, but let's just get on with loving each other in other ways.

We don't need sex. Our love, our life together, our kids etc. - our whole marriage transcends sex surely??"

 

I agree... and marriage can transcend sex... personally, I wouldn't want it, but there are cases where people agree to this. Unfortunately, the OP doesn't really know the reason.

Edited April 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pepperbird]

op,

 

 

We can all speculate until the cows come home about what's going on with your wife. The truth is, right now, that doesn't matter.

 

It sounds like you are starting to recognize that your wife's way of communicating love and yours are very different, and that may change. She has asked you to show her love by being her rock, and it sounds like that's what you're trying to do.

 

Was she always like this? I don't imagine she was, as I can't see how you two would have ever gotten married and made it this far if she was.

[Rotaglia]

It sounds like you are starting to recognize that your wife's way of communicating love and yours are very different, and that may change. She has asked you to show her love by being her rock, and it sounds like that's what you're trying to do.

Exactly. I have nothing to lose. If it doesn't work, the strategy can shift.

Was she always like this? I don't imagine she was, as I can't see how you two would have ever gotten married and made it this far if she was.

(Please excuse the explicit nature of what follows.)

 

Well, we had sex fairly regularly for about twenty years and then about a year and a half ago it abruptly stopped (as I have described extensively in this thread). When we first met and were dating (it was a whirlwind romance), she actually seemed more eager to start having sex than I was. I was twenty-six and she was thirty-four at the time.

 

Back then, I recall saying something along the lines of, “Hey, this feels like the start of something really special and I don’t want to mess it up. We don’t have to jump right into having sex right away.” I had recently been through a series of relationships and while they were fun they had each ended precipitously and in agony.

 

“Why not?” she said.

 

“You’re right,” I replied. “What could I have been thinking? I’ll go gargle with some mouthwash first.”

 

That was the afternoon in the spring of 1997 that we did it for the first time. I was shocked and delighted that she started out performing oral sex on me while I was standing up and not even fully undressed yet. What a thrill! After that I did the same for her and then we had intercourse. It was fantastic. I’ll never forget it. It was joyful, fun, lustful, and passionate. Who could ask for more?

 

We got engaged about five months after that and were married about seven months thence. Our son was born about a year after the wedding.

Edited April 12, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

I still think it is possible (and it is simply dreadful to conceive) that at some point my wife was the victim of some form of sexual abuse or rape. It would explain a great many things. I raised that possibility at one point during our discussions about the lack of sex and she said she “didn’t think” that was a factor but hers was hardly a thorough or categorical answer of no.

[giotto]

I still think it is possible (and it is simply dreadful to conceive) that at some point my wife was the victim of some form of sexual abuse or rape. It would explain a great many things. I raised that possibility at one point during our discussions about the lack of sex and she said she “didn’t think” that was a factor but hers was hardly a thorough or categorical answer of no.

 

You are feeding excuses into her... one day she will say: yes, this exactly what happened... and you are out of the door...

[Wallysbears]

How frequently do you (or did you) discuss with your wife the 'state of affairs' of your relationship and/or sex in the past 2 years?

[Rotaglia]

How frequently do you (or did you) discuss with your wife the 'state of affairs' of your relationship and/or sex in the past 2 years?

Those who have read this thread closely (I know it’s a long one and not everyone has the time or inclination to consume every detail) know that talking to my wife about our feelings concerning the relationship is very difficult. I feel that I have been quite willing to share but she has not. Part of the issue may be a mismatch in love languages or communication styles. Or maybe it's just that she’s an a*****e (that was said in jest).

[giotto]

So, after, let's say, 4 months of no sex, you didn't bring it up at all? Did you ever attempt to have sex? How often? Did you get rejected? What did she say? All of this is rather baffling...

Edited April 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wallysbears]

Those who have read this thread closely (I know it’s a long one and not everyone has the time or inclination to consume every detail) know that talking to my wife about our feelings concerning the relationship is very difficult.

 

Not what I asked. I've been reading and following along. My question was, before you came to LS (maybe i need to be more clear) how frequently did YOU bring up the topic of your relationship and/or sex with your wife?

 

Daily? Weekly? Monthly? Not how often did she engage and you have a conversation...but how frequently have you brought up the topic?

Edited April 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

So, after, let's say, 4 months of no sex, you didn't bring it up at all? Did you ever attempt to have sex? How often? Did you get rejected? What did she say? All of this is rather baffling...

The question you raise is a good one. I think at the four-month mark, I probably was thinking this was just a blip or a dip in desire that happens every so often. I dropped hints that I had noticed it, e.g., “Hey, honey ... maybe we are overdue for a date night, what do you think?” and she would say mmm-hmmm or grunt or something but not really respond. At around eight months or so, I said, “Honey, I’m concerned that our sex life has slowed down to basically nothing at this point and I would really like to address that problem.” Her reply was something like yeah sorry I have been really stressed at work, how about we schedule a date night.

 

But the subsequent date nights were not so great. I remember being at a restaurant talking to her and I had given her flowers and was saying many romantic things and she frankly seemed rather bored or checked out or disinterested or something. I knew then that this was more than merely a sexual problem but a relational one as well.

 

It took me a full year before I actually sat down next to her, looked her in the eye and said, “Honey, I couldn’t help but notice that we haven’t had sex in at least a year. When I mentioned it to you before, you agreed we would ‘work on it’ but at this point it still hasn’t happened. What is going on? Please tell me.”

 

Not what I asked. I've been reading and following along.

Understood.

My question was, before you came to LS (maybe i need to be more clear) how frequently did YOU bring up the topic of your relationship and/or sex with your wife?

 

Daily? Weekly? Monthly?

 

Not how often did she engage and you have a conversation...but how frequently have you brought up the topic?

This is also a really good question. I've always known that, of the two of us, I have always been the more of the Dr. Ruth Westheimer of the couple (LOL). Perhaps because I used to listen to Dr. Ruth on the radio when I was in high school and my parents always spoke fairly freely about sex I suppose I internalized at a young age the idea that frankness about sex was a good approach. Plus I had heard from more than one female friend of mine who had confided in me that her early (teenage) sexual experiences were not always ideal and would have benefitted from better communication. I think I took that lesson to heart.

 

But you know what? It takes two to communicate in a relationship and I guess I always got the feeling from my wife that sex was not exactly her favorite topic, even when in our relationship we had an active and enjoyable sex life. So even though I feel like I was always willing to discuss the nitty-gritty of married sexuality with my spouse (naming parts of the body and what we might do with them, etc.), she always seemed a bit squeamish or something and that was a barrier to effective communication.

 

Now, once that first sexless year had passed I may have made the mistake of over-communicating. Too many breathless, tearful conversations initiated by me. I would ask if there was anything at all we could share sexually, since intercourse was now apparently off the table. My wife was so triggered by that (I thought) very reasonable question that she left our bed and went downstairs to sleep. We were both pretty upset. I got lonely after about an hour so I went down there to ask her to come back to bed.

 

So I think it's fair to say that sex was never a particularly comfortable topic of conversation and now it's even less comfortable for her now that it has taken center stage as an issue in our relationship.

You are feeding excuses into her... one day she will say: yes, this exactly what happened... and you are out of the door...

No!! I would not desert my wife merely because she finds sex difficult in the present as a reaction to the fact that somebody (theoretically) abused her sexually in the past. That would egregiously violate my personal code as a man and as a husband. I doubt she would use that as some sort of spiteful parting shot to make me feel bad.

Edited April 12, 2019 by Rotaglia

[giotto]

My only guess would be that something terrible happened to her and she can't tell you and she can't have sex with you anymore... maybe she cheated, maybe she was raped... who knows? But even if you cheat and then you regret it, you would have sex with your husband again... maybe it's option n. 2...

[elaine567]

So how easy is it to talk to your wife in general about serious issues?

[Rotaglia]

My only guess would be that something terrible happened to her and she can't tell you and she can't have sex with you anymore... maybe she cheated, maybe she was raped... who knows? But even if you cheat and then you regret it, you would have sex with your husband again... maybe it's option n. 2...

Exactly. And unless she divulges what it is, there is not a whole lot I can do about it.

 

On the other hand, the recent changes I have made in my marital behavior and thinking (thanks in part to the good folks on LS) have borne fruit for me. I feel much less dependent on my wife emotionally, more self-confident, and I actually feel as though I am able to be more responsive and loving to my wife than before. So even though the sex issue is not yet resolved, I am experiencing greater satisfaction now and I think she is too. The kissing, hugging, cuddling, laughter, and flirting is simply delightful. I just love it. It feels amazing. I don't ever want that to go away.

 

The sex will return or it won't. I am determined to be happy regardless. Yes, I might decide to terminate the marriage but if I do I will knowing that I gave the very best of myself to my wife. She deserves no less. And honestly, divorce is a drastic solution that probably does not fit this situation.

 

We can't lose sight here of the fact that my wife is an amazing woman. She is brilliant, she is funny, she is caring (in a somewhat different way than me but that's okay), she is an excellent mom. She's drop-dead gorgeous (I know, it doesn't really matter but it's a nice bonus) and I still enjoy sharing life with her. It is true that I have a deeply rooted, primally powerful need to connect with her sexually that is not being satisfied right now and it's a major issue. I think the oblique approach is the only one that has shown progress: Project strength and confidence. Take emotionally draining things off of her plate. Give her rest and solitude as she needs it.

So how easy is it to talk to your wife in general about serious issues?

Meaning what? Were you being sarcastic? Edited April 12, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Wallysbears]

So the positive news is that by not "nagging" her and just being more of a solid "rock" things are turning around.

 

I would continue to do that. Don't go overboard romantically. Don't pressure. Just be cool, calm, collected and consistent. It may mean a whole lot more than you realize.

[elaine567]

Meaning what? Were you being sarcastic?

No sarcasm.

Meaning is she a bit of a closed book generally, some people are, or is it just the sex she doesn't want to talk about

[Rotaglia]

No sarcasm.

Meaning is she a bit of a closed book generally, some people are, or is it just the sex she doesn't want to talk about

Generally true, yes.

So the positive news is that by not "nagging" her and just being more of a solid "rock" things are turning around.

 

I would continue to do that. Don't go overboard romantically. Don't pressure. Just be cool, calm, collected and consistent. It may mean a whole lot more than you realize.

Agreed. That is the current plan in active implementation.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, I just wanted to suggest that you set a time limit in your mind for how long you are willing to keep up the strong, silent act. My concern is that you get stuck in the friend zone with your wife in perpetuity. Perhaps she is conditioning you towards this. I could give a couple real life examples of long-term married couples who are in now permanently sexless marriages because wives lost interest in sex with their husbands, but still had a sex drive and did not share that information with him. These examples are of post-menopausal women in their 50's btw, married for 25+ years.

 

Are you willing to be the masculine rock (while deferring your own needs) for one year, two years, a decade??? How long will you give to either see improvement or change tactics/course?

Edited April 12, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Rotaglia]

Right now I'm taking it day-by-day. Our anniversary is coming up next month. That might be a good time to reassess things and talk with my wife about it. Negotiating for sexual activity short of intercourse (manual stimulation, oral sex, genital touching, etc.) has not been fruitful thus far but now that things are less “fraught” and emotional I think we might be ready for something to happen organically without my asking for it. Stay tuned.

Edited April 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Right now I'm taking it day-by-day. Our anniversary is coming up next month that might be a good time to reassess things and talk with my wife about it.

 

Offering my thoughts on this^^^

 

Based on what I've read in your thread, perhaps you should do the exact opposite. Don't approach her for what could seem like an annual shareholders meeting to discuss the state of the union (pun intended), etc. If she already has reservations, this sort of discussion will definitely squelch what ever embers of passion remain within her.

 

She has decreased intimacy and won't discuss it. Women are quite intuitive and typically know pretty well what is going on within themselves and others. I think you need to draw her out by seeming like you are losing interest, and an anniversary is a good opportunity for that. It could at least make her wonder what is going on with you for a change (as you are now wondering about her), which might spark a productive conversation initiated by HER. Then hopefully you can get to the bottom of what is really happening and get it sorted. You might even re-spark that sexual interest within her for you with a touch of aloofness.

[Rotaglia]

Based on what I've read in your thread, perhaps you should do the exact opposite. Don't approach her for what could seem like an annual shareholders meeting to discuss the state of the union (pun intended), etc. If she already has reservations, this sort of discussion will definitely squelch what ever embers of passion remain within her.

 

Although I see the value in your suggestions, I wonder if using my outward mood to produce tactical results would be 1) inauthentic on my part; and 2) counterproductive. I am not into passive aggression and that sort of thing. I’m pretty much a what-you-see-is-what-you-get sort of guy. On the other hand, I have adjusted my behavior to project strength, contentment, and self-confidence because I need those things for me. If my wife takes note and finds that appealing, great. If not, fine. Edited April 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Offering my thoughts on this^^^

 

Adding to clarify my above comment regarding using the anniversary to facilitate her curiosity: Just put in a little less effort than you normally would--don't overdo it! The point is not to be a jerk, but to introduce a little "je ne sais quoi."

Edited April 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

How about a bit of coyness and flirtation?

Edited April 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Although I see the value in your suggestions, I wonder if using my outward mood to produce tactical results would be 1) inauthentic on my part; and 2) counterproductive. I am not into passive aggression and that sort of thing. I’m pretty much a what-you-see-is-what-you-get sort of guy. On the other hand, I have adjusted my behavior to project strength, contentment, and self-confidence because I need those things for me. If my wife takes note and finds that appealing, great. If not, fine.

 

OP, didn't you say you are playing an uncomfortable role now by suppressing your instinct to pursue and being strong/quiet, effectively catering to your wife's request to be a silent rock (or however you put it)? I find your post quoted above in direct opposition to your previous statements. Also, were you a "what-you-see-is-what-you-get sort of guy" when you were courting her on your first couple of dates? Or did you make sure to always put your best foot forward to impress and woo her? Authentic is showing flaws and all, but no-one who succeeds in courting shows those from the beginning. Were you being inauthentic then? That last question is rhetorical.

 

Your marriage has changed. Now you have to change your behavior for your marriage to succeed. Choose: being authentic or a successful marriage? It's just being more reserved than you normally would...to create enough space that peaks your wife's curiosity. If you feel that makes you inauthentic, and you prefer to ignore that advice for fear of becoming inauthentic, fine. Go ahead and demand your answers on your anniversary. (Me thinks that will go over like a lead balloon, but it is your marriage so go for it.)

 

I think you are in a bit of denial about what is happening. I think your wife has just lost that sexual attraction, but it can be gotten back (by re-introducing some of the elements from the early part of your relationship).

 

I'm trying to provide you some feminine insight about what may turn things around before your marriage gets locked into a pattern that is painful for you. I repeat that you should set a timeline in your mind for how long you are willing to suppress your needs. I feel like you appreciate my concern, but are not really interested in my specific advice (or doubt its credibility). Thus, I wish you well and will refrain from offering it further. I do have several responsibilities to attend to, but genuinely thought this little detail could have gone a long way for you. Best wishes and hope you and wife are able to find a mutually happy outcome.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

How about a bit of coyness and flirtation?

 

How about a touch of aloofness and indifference on the day she least expects it...your anniversary. And don't ever even hint that you are doing it on purpose.

 

Saw your post after my last post. I really hope all things work out well for you both. This is a critical time that will affect the balance of your relationship--how you handle this now counts. Sets precedence.

[Rotaglia]

OP, didn't you say you are playing an uncomfortable role now by suppressing your instinct to pursue and being strong/quiet, effectively catering to your wife's request to be a silent rock (or however you put it)? I find your post quoted above in direct opposition to your previous statements. Also, were you a "what-you-see-is-what-you-get sort of guy" when you were courting her on your first couple of dates? Or did you make sure to always put your best foot forward to impress and woo her? Authentic is showing flaws and all, but no-one who succeeds in courting shows those from the beginning. Were you being inauthentic then? That last question is rhetorical.

An excellent question. Perhaps we could say that, going forward, I am going to continue to be authentic but in different ways more attuned to what my wife needs in the present?

Your marriage has changed. Now you have to change your behavior for your marriage to succeed. Choose: being authentic or a successful marriage? It's just being more reserved than you normally would...to create enough space that peaks your wife's curiosity. If you feel that makes you inauthentic, and you prefer to ignore that advice for fear of becoming inauthentic, fine. Go ahead and demand your answers on your anniversary. (Me thinks that will go over like a lead balloon, but it is your marriage so go for it.)

You have hit on something important here. I think it is possible to bring forward authentic parts of me that are more needed by my wife right now. I am persuaded that your approach is the better one, even though it may be counter-intuitive.

I think you are in a bit of denial about what is happening. I think your wife has just lost that sexual attraction, but it can be gotten back (by re-introducing some of the elements from the early part of your relationship).

I think so, too.

I'm trying to provide you some feminine insight about what may turn things around before your marriage gets locked into a pattern that is painful for you. I repeat that you should set a timeline in your mind for how long you are willing to suppress your needs.

That makes sense to me. I am incorporating your insights into my strategy. please don’t go away!

I feel like you appreciate my concern, but are not really interested in my specific advice (or doubt its credibility). Thus, I wish you well and will refrain from offering it further. I do have several responsibilities to attend to, but genuinely thought this little detail could have gone a long way for you. Best wishes and hope you and wife are able to find a mutually happy outcome.

I more than appreciate your concern; I am trying to implement your suggestions but I want to make sure I fully understand them first.

 

One dilemma I face is nighttime cuddling. We both enjoy snuggling in bed in various state of undress. I sleep naked; she usually wears a nightgown and underwear although I encourage her to shed one or both of those (and sometimes she complies with that request). So we spoon while falling asleep. Sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) I become aroused but I haven't tried to “make a move” toward elevating the level of sexual activity. Is this the right posture for this phase of the rebuilding process?

Edited April 12, 2019 by Rotaglia