Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

This goes back to one of my original questions: It's perfectly normal for a wife not to want to have sex with her husband sometimes, even for fairly extended periods—but to want to have sex with him never under any circumstances is a red flag under most conditions (mutually agreed-upon sexless marriage notwithstanding).

 

The question I would ask my wife would be: Recognizing that she doesn't want to have sex right now, is she content with that condition, or would she like to take steps to restore her desire for sex so that one day she has a shot at having sex again for her own sake, never mind mine.

[Rotaglia]

I frankly think several folks in this discussion are saying that I don't give my wife enough and that I don't think about her needs. This is plainly and demonstrably not so and I am growing weary of folks insisting otherwise.

 

Now, it is possible I could make efforts in new and different areas. Perhaps there are needs of hers I could meet that are not yet being addressed and I am fully open to exploring those but ... I need some help from her.

[pepperbird]

I'm more than happy to do that and have said so (to her) multiple times and in multiple ways. She just doesn't want to identify her needs so that makes it difficult to meet them without trying things at random, the latter of which is exhausting.

People are trying to make this point with you, but you're not seeing it.

 

If you truly want her to heal and be better, you have to let her do it on her terms. It isn't about what would work best for you or what you would need. She may not even know what her needs are anymore.She's operating on autopilot...one day at a time.

That "one day at a time" can be really helpful in a crisis, but it's often not sustainable.

This is where you come in. You know she's not good at opening up right now. All the pushing and pressuring won't change that. If taht's true, then what else can you do to help?

 

A lot of posters have been advising you to "be her rock", which is what she has asked of you. ( see, she has opened up about what she needs from you, it just wasn't an "in your face" statement) If you are serious about finding a way forward, then do this.

Find a task she does ( and hates) and do it for her without being asked. Joke around with her, find something the two of you can do together. Set up some respite care for your autistic child ( hard to let go, I know...been there myself-she's in law school now) and do something fun sans children.

 

Book a weekend away, go out to dinner, whatever, and you be the one who organizes it. It's not about romance per se, but it is about showing her she can let down her guard again and that you will be there to catch her. If you find the words hard, something she may really appreciate is if you wrote her a song from your heart and performed it for her. then back it up with action.

Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pepperbird]

*groan* You mean the therapist would help my wife to conclude that it's okay to divorce me? That would be awful, of course ... but who wants to be married to somebody who genuinely doesn't want to be there (after thoroughly examining all of the issues and weighing them carefully)?

 

No, I don't think it would even get that far. What would happen is likely exactly what happened when we first went for counseling and my husband didn't think he needed it.(he did)

 

The therapist looked at him for a minute, then looked at me and said "come back when you both think you need to be here".

Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pepperbird]

op,

really think about what you're saying. you say you want your wife to open up and talk to you. I completely understand that. The problem is that, while that may be a problem solving method that works for you, right now, it's not working for her. she simply doesn't want to do it.

Right now, it sounds like your main concern is no sex, but what you're not seeing is that it's not a problem for her right now. ( and please can the talk about you're doing this for her so that she can still enjoy sex in the future).

 

It really comes down to this. You have tried your methods for addressing this issue. It hasn't worked. You can continue to bang your head on the wall, or you can try a different approach.

[preraph]

1. Merely because I don't leave the house, drive my car for an hour each way, and sit in a cubicle from 9am-5pm does not mean I don't have a job;
   

 

I already know most of that, having read your entire posts here. I just wanted to clarify and see if she's ever even brought it up or inferred you should get a job since that seems to the focus and most common "remedy" people are coming up with here.

 

So no, she hasn't. And I agree there's nothing wrong with your lifestyles. My ex-neighbor did all that for his wife, the doctor, and it was working out beautifully.

 

Now, let me ask: Have you ever just asked her recently: Is there any time in the future when you think I should go back to work?

Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

People are trying to make this point with you, but you're not seeing it.

Okay. So let's see if I can make another attempt at understanding that point. Proceed.

 

Find a task she does ( and hates) and do it for her without being asked. Joke around with her, find something the two of you can do together. Set up some respite care for your autistic child (hard to let go, I know...been there myself-she's in law school now) and do something fun sans children. Book a weekend away, go out to dinner, whatever, and you be the one who organizes it. It's not about romance per se, but it is about showing her she can let down her guard again and that you will be there to catch her. If you find the words hard, something she may really appreciate is if you wrote her a song from your heart and performed it for her. then back it up with action.

That works. I can do that. It's pretty much what the current strategy is and I can feel her becoming more relaxed (and me with her).

 

I agree that part of "being the rock" is anticipating needs and meeting them without being asked. I like to think I do that to some degree already but I suppose my game can always be elevated a bit.

 

(BTW, our ASD child is currently in college.)

Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

Now, let me ask: Have you ever just asked her recently: Is there any time in the future when you think I should go back to work?

Isn't the far better and more pertinent question as follows: When do *I* think I might want to work outside the home in the future, and doing what?

[Rotaglia]

I guess the best strategy for now is simply try to improve day-to-day interactions with my wife by making her feel as comfortable, safe, and content as possible without expecting any particular result (e.g., sex).

 

If this results in a candid conversation about our relationship, that's great but it's not required.

 

I'll keep working on myself in the background.

 

I still feel like she ought to approach me and talk to me but that is clearly not going to happen so....

[Rotaglia]

It really comes down to this: You have tried your methods for addressing this issue. It hasn't worked. You can continue to bang your head on the wall, or you can try a different approach.

Sure. Okay. Let's hear it.

[Rotaglia]

My main need is not for my wife to have sex with me in the physical sense. In fact, that would be best avoided for a while. What I want to do is to create a greater sense of emotional intimacy. If sex eventually flows from that, super—but it doesn't have to.

 

I am not at all being facetious when I say that the emotional intimacy is my must-have. If the emotional intimacy is there, the need for sex might actually even become lesser for me, interestingly.

 

I simply want to be the best husband I can possibly be for her. That's it. Period.

 

Maybe the paradox is this: I can actually be a better husband by not trying quite so hard—or at least by focusing my efforts into different areas than I have been.

Perhaps she worries that she is inadequate as a wife because she can't participate in sex right now and that has created a downward marital-emotional spiral for her.

But she is not inadequate!! She is not deficient!!

Her feelings do not make her a bad wife or a bad person at all.

Edited April 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Blanco]

Isn't the far better and more pertinent question as follows: When do *I* think I might want to work outside the home in the future, and doing what?

 

No, because the whole point of asking is to rule out whether or not your lack of employment has anything to do with her no longer wanting to have sex with you.

[Wallysbears]

No, because the whole point of asking is to rule out whether or not your lack of employment has anything to do with her no longer wanting to have sex with you.

 

The point in asking her if she thinks you should go to work is to try to find out if that is part of the problem with your marriage.

 

Not whether or not YOU want to work.

 

Most people don't have the luxury of NOT working and the reason you have that luxury is because of your wife.

[preraph]

Isn't the far better and more pertinent question as follows: When do *I* think I might want to work outside the home in the future, and doing what?

 

No, because we're trying to get to the root of your problem, which is no sex. We're trying to find out what's driving that.

[Blanco]

I actually wouldn't even ask her. Doing so frames it in a way that makes the OP look like he would only be seeking employment to placate his wife. If his lack of employment is in fact part of the reason why she's distanced herself from him, then the OP looking for a job just to make her happy isn't really going to move the needle much in re-attracting her.

 

I would probably just tell her, "I've been thinking that with the kids being older, there's less reason for me to be a SAHD, so I want to start looking for some sort of job." Add in that you'd want to find something that would perhaps provide flexibility for you to still assist with the MIL.

 

Any way you say it, it has to be presented in a way that makes it sound like it's something you want to do, not something you're doing exclusively to make her happy.

[Rotaglia]

I actually wouldn't even ask her. Doing so frames it in a way that makes the OP look like he would only be seeking employment to placate his wife. If his lack of employment is in fact part of the reason why she's distanced herself from him, then the OP looking for a job just to make her happy isn't really going to move the needle much in re-attracting her.

Very well stated. I agree.

Recently, we have talked about me possibly starting a business.

No, because we're trying to get to the root of your problem, which is no sex. We're trying to find out what's driving that.

I'm increasingly thinking that if we think of no-sex as the problem and sex as the solution, we probably won't get anywhere.

Restoring emotional intimacy is the actual goal regardless of any possible result.

Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

Your marriage or what a marriage should be has ended. You are in a roommate

 

You have zero leverage at this time.

 

If it were me I'd go my own way. I suspect you are to comfortable in your current state to go that route.

[Rotaglia]

Your marriage or what a marriage should be has ended. You are in a roommate [situation].

Not quite. I think it's in danger of becoming that if we don't act to correct things.

You have zero leverage at this time.

I do not seek nor do I require leverage.

If it were me I'd go my own way.

So noted.

I suspect you are too comfortable in your current state to go that route.

I might. But I'd rather have a better marriage with the woman I am living with at present.

 

An Important Note

It sure would be nice if my wife would help me identify whatever unmet emotional need of hers is blocking the way to true relationship repair. Having to guess/surmise it myself is not terribly efficient or accurate. But if she simply won't help I guess the hunt-and-peck method will have to do.

Edited April 9, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Blanco]

An Important Note

It sure would be nice if my wife would help me identify whatever unmet emotional need of hers is blocking the way to true relationship repair. Having to guess/surmise it myself is not terribly efficient or accurate. But if she simply won't help I guess the hunt-and-peck method will have to do.

 

This is true, but you've said something along these lines many times in this thread. You need to start considering the possibility that you're never going to get this from her, at least, not in time for it to save the marriage.

 

Stuff like getting a job are things you need to do with the idea that while it may help whatever the issue is in the marriage, these things will benefit you as a person regardless.

 

We can only surmise what her real reason is, but one thing that isn't pure speculation is that there is pretty much no downside to taking steps to carve out your own identity.

[vla1120]

They can't??? Well what good are they, then? (Just kidding.)

 

Funny story...when my second husband and I started having serious problems and I wanted to go to MC (rather than leave a man with cancer), he said he did not need MC. After awhile, when things did not improve even though I was going to MC, he decided to come. He would tell me “I need a few minutes alone with the therapist.” He spent those few minutes telling her everything I was doing wrong and asking her to make me change my ways.

[Rotaglia]

Funny story...when my second husband and I started having serious problems and I wanted to go to MC (rather than leave a man with cancer), he said he did not need MC. After awhile, when things did not improve even though I was going to MC, he decided to come. He would tell me “I need a few minutes alone with the therapist.” He spent those few minutes telling her everything I was doing wrong and asking her to make me change my ways.

My psychiatrist has a marriage counselor that he recommends who uses the Gottman method. I will hang on to that name as it may come in handy.

[pepperbird]

 

An Important Note

It sure would be nice if my wife would help me identify whatever unmet emotional need of hers is blocking the way to true relationship repair. Having to guess/surmise it myself is not terribly efficient or accurate. But if she simply won't help I guess the hunt-and-peck method will have to do.

She has given you a huge clue about what she needs, heck, she even told you outright.

 

One thing she told you she needs form you right now is to "be her rock". She may not be able to exactly explain why, but she did tell you. Think of it as baby steps to where you want to be.

Re-enforce her telling you this by thanking her for being open and letting you know and then honour her request. You were strong for her during the funeral, now keep it going. What can you do today, tomorrow and into the future that will show her that you heard what she said, absorbed it, thought it over and are now acting on it. Give it a couple of days and then let her know what you've been doing. All you need to say is something like" honey, the other day you asked me to be there for you. I've been trying to do that more, and is there anything else you'd like me to do? You can always come to me and ask if you need anything". Simple words, backed up by action.

Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

That's pretty much what I have been doing; however, the verbal confirmation piece of it is tricky because she is so easily triggered by talk of the relationship—to my great frustration. It should be noted that it’s hard (though not impossible) to “be the rock” for a woman who continues to reject me sexually (thus continuously damaging the marital bond). I feel as though her romantic love for me has somehow become super-conditional where mine remains unconditional—that imbalance is a sign of major trouble.

Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[giotto]

That's pretty much what I have been doing; however, the verbal confirmation piece of it is tricky because she is so easily triggered by talk of the relationship—to my great frustration.

 

I understand that... it's not an easy situation...

Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pepperbird]

op,

ask anyone who has been through everything your wife has been through. Not just with you, but with your children, the upheavals in your life, etc. Just like you, she has carried all that weight, plus more.

 

She frickn' loves you unconditionally. Right now, it would be just as easy for her to walk away, and someone like her could get another guy so fast it would make your head spin.

 

Yet she stays with you. Why do you think that is? If all she sees you as is a roommate, babysitter or caregiver for her mom, she can easily replace all those, and there would be no emotional baggage. It doesn't sound to me like she is staying because of fear or inertia.

 

She is staying with you because she loves you unconditionally. If you can't see that, then it's a really sad state of affairs. It's as if you are trying to convince yourself that she doesn't care.

Why?