Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

April 8, 2019

or maybe allow me to win a larger alimony award.

Have you put any feelers out for a job yet or are you counting on either staying married or getting alimony?

April 8, 2019

Have you put any feelers out for a job yet or are you counting on either staying married or getting alimony?

A new job is going to be a good idea whatever happens with my marriage, so I am polishing my resume and starting to place applications.

I feel pretty good about my qualifications and the available jobs in my region. The job market is fairly robust at the moment.

Meanwhile, I am curious to see how this movie ends!

Edited April 8, 2019 by Rotaglia

April 8, 2019

A new job is going to be a good idea whatever happens with my marriage, so I am polishing my resume and starting to place applications.
I feel pretty good about my qualifications and the available jobs in my region. The job market is fairly robust at the moment.
Meanwhile, I am curious to see how this movie ends!

This thread started over a month ago. How long does it take to polish a resume?

April 8, 2019

This thread started over a month ago. How long does it take to polish a resume?

I am happy with it now. Sometimes I tailor it to a particular job. It feels good to be reminded that I have some solid skills!

The name of the game is to try to make whatever happens next work out well for me and my kids. I determine my fate, nobody else.

I am feeling much more at peace these days. My wellbeing does not hinge on any particular outcome. Divorce is not the end of the world. I would prefer to repair my marriage but if it cannot be repaired, it cannot be. I feel confident in my vision for the future. I continue to love my wife very dearly and unconditionally. Our anniversary is coming up and I hope she will take the opportunity to really talk to me about our relationship. If that doesn't happen, so be it.

I have achieved happiness and I want her to share in that happiness if possible.

If there was an affair, she has the option to confess it and either seek to mend the marriage or not. That's her choice.

Edited April 8, 2019 by Rotaglia

April 8, 2019

And it could be that a meteorite hits your house today.

You spend a lot of time on coulda shoulda woulda - your life is based on not knowing the truth.

And you sit and wait and wait on your wife.

Hope your work will start soon. You need to be busy... so you don’t think so much about how your wife is ignoring you.

Does she even know you plan to look for work? If so, what did she say?

Have you opened a new bank account? Filled out the court papers yet?

The OP hasn't taken any concrete steps toward earning income or divorce because he is paralyzed by fear and low self esteem. There is also an element of laziness as well. The time that the OP spends waxing poetic about his marriage on LS could be better utilized to empower himself by finding work and seeing a divorce lawyer.

The OP mentioned feeling turned on at the thought of his wife having sex with another man in front of him.....maybe that's why he has not taken any steps to uncover an affair.

April 8, 2019

Speculation and talking a dead horse to death has accomplished another month of staying married, well provided for and able to go back and forth on painting his wife as the bad person here.

April 8, 2019

op,

no offense intended to you, but when you try and talk to your wife about this, how does the conversation go? Do you give her time to consider each of your questions before answering them, or is your mind already moved on to the next point?

Have you ever attending a counseling session ( not necessarily marriage counseling) with her? How did that go?

FWIW, I don't think she's cheating, although it seems nothing would give some here greater pleasure. My guess? She has been really worn down and also, she is very, very VERY angry.

That's the thing about any chronic illness ( depression included). it's hard for the spouse who is in the position of caregiver, both physically and emotionally.

When my husband was ill, I got really angry. I was angry at the situation, angry at the army for not supporting him more, angry at the IED that killed the guy on either side of him. I was pissed off at the depression, the PTSD, the health care system, I was furious that he was basically told to suck it up. I hated seeing what it was doing to him, to our kids, to me.

That's something about the situation. As caregivers, we're told we're not supposed to be angry. We're supposed to be kind, supportive, not complain and hide our own emotions as so we don't add more stress. Of course, we're happy to do that, but it takes a heavy toll.

It's hard to switch from caregiver back to spouse sometimes, and that anger can really fester. Have you ever asked your wife how she felt about you being sick? This isn't blaming you ( no one asks to develop mental illness), just making an observation. Have you ever said to your wife " honey, I'm feeling so much better now, and i know this has been a hard go for you too. How do you feel about it?" . I can almost guarantee you she'll brush it off, as that has become the default setting. Tell her it's okay to talk and even get angry. Ask her leading questions if you have to ( and of you feel strong enough). You could start by "when I was sick, I know it was a really difficult time for you. How did you cope?" or " " I am amazed at how much strength you showed when I was ill. What was the hardest part for you?".

Encourage her to talk about what she wants to talk about, listen to her, reflect back what she says, empathize , don't take it personally and remember...if getting her to open up is really for her benefit, then once she starts, allow her to drive the process. It's going to take time, and she'll need to do it at her own pace. It can't be by your measure.

April 8, 2019

And it could be that a meteorite hits your house today.

Oh, dear. Do you think my homeowner's insurance would cover that?

You spend a lot of time on coulda shoulda woulda - your life is based on not knowing the truth. And you sit and wait and wait on your wife.

Not really. Since any decision my wife would make cannot threaten my wellbeing and happiness (it would affect my life, certainly, but it would end up okay) there is no reason to wait on her.

Does she even know you plan to look for work? If so, what did she say?

She was supportive and pleasant about it, made suggestions as to where to apply. It's a positive for everybody, really. She hires a fair number of people, which makes her a good sounding board.

Have you opened a new bank account? Filled out the court papers yet?

Yes and yes.

The OP hasn't taken any concrete steps toward earning income or divorce because he is paralyzed by fear and low self esteem. There is also an element of laziness as well. The time that the OP spends waxing poetic about his marriage on LS could be better utilized to empower himself by finding work and seeing a divorce lawyer.

I'm way ahead of you, Betty. I am paralyzed by nothing. My self-esteem is right where it should be. No one can accuse me of being lazy.

It could be anything... but whatever IT is... he hasn’t made effort to know what IT is. So everything is speculation.

True, but I'm simply declining to invest in the answer because it doesn't serve my interests in the long run.

Speculation and talking a dead horse to death has accomplished another month of staying married, well provided for and able to go back and forth on painting his wife as the bad person here.

She is not a bad person! Her behavior in some instances has been objectionable. She'll always be a member of my family and I'll always love her. If we decide to move forward as a married couple, that's great! If not, too bad—but I do not plan to put my life on hold while I wait for the outcome.

Complacency has its consequences.

This is what it looks like...

You get no answers and she gets things the way she wants them.

You get things the way you DON’T want them

And heck - you’re not even allowed to ask why... so you have actually ALLOWED her to completely stifle you!

If it were me I’d be sitting her down ASAP and demanding reasons why. She owes you at the very least answers to why the relationship changed!

And if she cries and or won’t say - then I would say “ok then, I’m divorcing you... based on your lack of effort and your unwillingness to communicate”.

That way at least she understands she played a role in the demise of the marriage.

Believe me, establishing the other party as being "in the wrong" in a divorce has very limited utility in our state legally. She knows she's the one downshifting the marriage. I don't need to point it out to her.

And you end up looking weak, wimpy and completely of the mercy of what she wants.

So really she is in the marriage alone because she purposely eliminated anything you might have wanted.

Nonsense. I am strong. I have overcome my fear of the unknown. Most importantly, my happiness and wellbeing no longer hinge on what my wife does and what my wife chooses. I am moving forward with my life. If she wants to undergo relationship repair, I remain open to that—if not, then eventually we will part ways. But the days of demanding an explanation for her behavior (implying that I require it) are over. She would have explained it by now if she was going to. I have asked for one numerous times. Now I am done asking.

And speculation accomplished absolutely nothing.

Not so. The speculation has allowed me to realize that all of these possible outcomes are fine with me. I prefer some to others, naturally, but meanwhile I am strengthening myself: exercise, nutrition, sleep, playing music wherever and wherever I can, spending time with my children, etc. No clock is ticking.

And if I decide I want to be with a different woman, we can discuss separation/divorce at an appropriate time. I will not date during separation (in our state it's one year) as that is simply too messy and not necessary.

Edited April 8, 2019 by Rotaglia

April 8, 2019

My two cents:

OP's wife is tired of another "person" to take care of and OP isn't wanting to recognize that.

He hasn't worked in what sounds like years. He's had this thread going for over a month now...and has been "revamping" his resume "so he can apply for jobs"

No one that WANTS to work takes a MONTH to revise their resume and start applying for work.

I wonder how many YEARS his wife has been hearing about how he WILL get a job?

How many excuses she's heard about why he's not working. How many things have "popped up" that he needs to attend to that have prevented him from working - or wearing pants/clothes and functioning in society.

OPs wife is a type A woman that runs a company. How sexy do you think she finds a man that has come on an internet forum and commented how he has "upgraded" to a real robe and maybe pants? She's likely surrounded by men that have their **** together all day, every day...and goes home to someone wearing what...sweats? PJ pants? boxers?

And that same person is being potentially all clingy going 'why won't you have sex with me'? "Do you love me"? I spent my day today taking your Mom shopping for orthopedic shoes and we stopped for lunch at this fabulous little place...blah blah blah.

Maybe I *am* sexist....and hey, that is what it is...but nothing about that is anything that would make me want to hop in the sack with my man.

And yet, OP won't do or doesn't seem to want to do anything to change it.

April 8, 2019

no offense intended to you, but when you try and talk to your wife about this, how does the conversation go?

Poorly.

Do you give her time to consider each of your questions before answering them, or is your mind already moved on to the next point?

I may have been guilty of some of that, but I am working on improving.

Have you ever attending a counseling session ( not necessarily marriage counseling) with her? How did that go?

She is not open to that.

FWIW, I don't think she's cheating, although it seems nothing would give some here greater pleasure. My guess? She has been really worn down and also, she is very, very VERY angry. That's the thing about any chronic illness ( depression included). it's hard for the spouse who is in the position of caregiver, both physically and emotionally. When my husband was ill, I got really angry. I was angry at the situation, angry at the army for not supporting him more, angry at the IED that killed the guy on either side of him. I was pissed off at the depression, the PTSD, the health care system, I was furious that he was basically told to suck it up. I hated seeing what it was doing to him, to our kids, to me. That's something about the situation. As caregivers, we're told we're not supposed to be angry. We're supposed to be kind, supportive, not complain and hide our own emotions as so we don't add more stress. Of course, we're happy to do that, but it takes a heavy toll.

It's hard to switch from caregiver back to spouse sometimes, and that anger can really fester. Have you ever asked your wife how she felt about you being sick? This isn't blaming you ( no one asks to develop mental illness), just making an observation. Have you ever said to your wife " honey, I'm feeling so much better now, and i know this has been a hard go for you too. How do you feel about it?" . I can almost guarantee you she'll brush it off, as that has become the default setting. Tell her it's okay to talk and even get angry. Ask her leading questions if you have to ( and of you feel strong enough). You could start by "when I was sick, I know it was a really difficult time for you. How did you cope?" or " " I am amazed at how much strength you showed when I was ill. What was the hardest part for you?".

Encourage her to talk about what she wants to talk about, listen to her, reflect back what she says, empathize , don't take it personally and remember...if getting her to open up is really for her benefit, then once she starts, allow her to drive the process. It's going to take time, and she'll need to do it at her own pace. It can't be by your measure.

Whatever. I will not apologize for having been ill and my empathy for her suffering as a caregiver has limits. I have been open to discussing all of that and it has pretty much gotten nowhere. If she wants to punish me in the present and poison our relationship for my past illness by checking out of our marriage that is her misfortune. I will not make it my misfortune. I am not her shrink (and she wouldn't see a professional anyway); I'm her husband. I am not responsible for her feelings and reactions any more than she is responsible for my feelings and reactions.

She has survivor guilt? Caregiver rage? Boo-hoo, poor her. Take a number, sweetie. It is not a license to treat your spouse like dirt.

April 8, 2019

My two cents:

OP's wife is tired of another "person" to take care of and OP isn't wanting to recognize that.

He hasn't worked in what sounds like years. He's had this thread going for over a month now...and has been "revamping" his resume "so he can apply for jobs"

Your opinion is not well founded and I find your remarks to be off-base. Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 8, 2019

Your opinion is not well founded and I find your remarks to be off-base.

Is it? Or is it hitting too close to home?

April 8, 2019

Is it?

Yep.

Or is it hitting too close to home?

Nope.

April 8, 2019

Rotaglia, has your wife ever, in the last 10 years, asked you when you're going to get a job? If that is the issue, I'd assume she'd not be too shy to bring up the subject. So what has she said about that?

April 8, 2019

Rotaglia, has your wife ever, in the last 10 years, asked you when you're going to get a job? If that is the issue, I'd assume she'd not be too shy to bring up the subject. So what has she said about that?

Merely because I don't leave the house, drive my car for an hour each way, and sit in a cubicle from 9am-5pm does not mean I don't have a job;
The advantage of my current lifestyle is that I can pursue my musical career while caring for our home, our children, and her mother-in-law;
I handle numerous things that my wife simply cannot do with the job she has: errands, grocery shopping, meals and transportation for the kids, holiday planning, doctor's appointments—the kinds of things SAHMs do all the time without getting assailed for it on online forums;
My wife has never mentioned changing the arrangement and has repeatedly expressed satisfaction with it;
With me manning the roost, she gets to travel for business (and occasionally pleasure) whenever she likes;
If I were to get a conventional job it would be because I want to;
We live very comfortably and are meeting our shared financial goals;
We need no one’s approval to live this way.

Edited April 8, 2019 by Rotaglia

April 8, 2019

You do all this to make her life organized and tidy yet she doesn’t respect you enough to get honest with you?

She has shut you out.

When are you filing?

I agree it's a major issue and I may indeed decide to file but I will not do so lightly, rashly, or in a hurry—especially since I prefer a mend-it-don't-end it, fix-it-don't-nix-it approach. At the moment, I am in no mood to initiate discussion about the relationship since those talks have borne so little fruit. She might be uncomfortable with me no longer groveling and begging her to “work on the marriage,” but right now that is her problem and she is the one off-balance.

I am confident in my vision for what this marriage can be in the future and I make no apologies for what I want.

Edited April 8, 2019 by Rotaglia

April 8, 2019

Yes or no question: has your wife ever expressed to you that she wants you to get a job?

April 8, 2019

Yes or no question: has your wife ever expressed to you that she wants you to get a job?

No, she has not.

So you are prepared to settle...?

Nope. I have very specific expectations for this marriage going forward, but I am not prepared to lay those out until the appropriate moment.

April 8, 2019

The advantage of my current lifestyle is that I can pursue my musical career while caring for our home, our children, and her mother-in-law;

Ok so how is the musical career going?

Edited April 8, 2019 by elaine567

April 9, 2019

Ok so how is the musical career going?

Pretty well. I hope to establish multiple revenue streams. I can’t talk about it in detail due to privacy concerns but I feel rather good about it. I could also work a second job part-time (hopefully outside the home). There are lots of good possibilities. I think the coming years will be fun as well as remunerative!

BTW, I meant my mother-in-law (i.e., her mother). My goof.

April 9, 2019

My two cents:

OP's wife is tired of another "person" to take care of and OP isn't wanting to recognize that.

He hasn't worked in what sounds like years. He's had this thread going for over a month now...and has been "revamping" his resume "so he can apply for jobs"

Harsh but true.

Most men derive a large part of their masculinity from being providers. Most women are attracted to powerful men who get sh*t done.

It's ingrained and no amount of societal advancement will change that.

The OP's wife is playing the traditional male role in her marriage and she's likely tired of it. That's why the OP's wife talked about needing the OP to be a rock. She doesn't respect the OP because he is essentially another child to take care of so she can't bring herself to have sex with him.

I'm sure the OP will deny all of this since it seems to be his nature to deny unpleasant realities. I agree that the OP doesn't want to work or else he would have started applying to positions already.

Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 9, 2019

Merely because I don't leave the house, drive my car for an hour each way, and sit in a cubicle from 9am-5pm does not mean I don't have a job;

A job is a paid position of employment. You do not have a job unless your musical career is profitable.

SAHMs are looked down upon in today's world but not nearly as much as SAHDs. This is because most people still believe that men should be working whether their spouses are employed or not.

Why do you suddenly want to look for work if you and your wife are so satisfied with your lifestyle? If you don't need approval, then there is no need to explain yourself on internet forums.

Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 9, 2019

A job can entail many things. It doesn’t necessarily mean being strapped to a cubicle as someone else’s slave.

April 9, 2019

Harsh but true.

Most men derive a large part of their masculinity from being providers. Most women are attracted to powerful men who get sh*t done.
It's ingrained and no amount of societal advancement will change that.

You apparently think that repeating your absurd, sexist, ad hominem claptrap will make you less wrong than you were when you first stated it. Unfortunately for you, you are mistaken. How unfortunate I am to be morally judged for having the improper genitalia for the role you have assigned me. Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 9, 2019

I still disagree with the thought that SAHD’s are somehow less legitimate than SAHM’s. The purpose is to maintain the home front and take care of the kids (and/or aging parents.) If he is doing that, then it is JUST as important as her job. If my husband, during his SAHD years, had contributed to this extent (instead of playing video games and golfing all day long), I would have been grateful and would have shown my appreciation in every way possible. There is not a da** thing wrong with role reversal, as long as everyone is pulling their weight in the family.

It really does not sound like this is the problem with his wife, anyways.

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