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Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

Rotaglia

By Rotaglia
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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giotto Established Member

giotto

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Doesn't fix OP's problem though does it?

 

No, it doesn't... but his stance is futile. She is not going to have sex with him again all of a sudden after 18 months... her message is loud and clear.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Is she on HRT?

Hormone replacement therapy.

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pepperbird Established Member

pepperbird

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It's certainly possible. Our son was classified as being on the autism spectrum for most of his life (he's not now, but he's on the edge) and I've sometimes wondered if my wife has some of those traits. Perhaps I do too, though if I had to guess I would venture that I'm more likely to have ADHD than ASD. Whatever the case, that's an interesting idea.

 

 

So many still have the stereotype of what "autistic" means. Their mind immediately goes to "Rainman".

pepperbird Established Member

pepperbird

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op,

I found this quote on a site that sounds like it could apply to your situation...

 

"As a result, the unaffected partner is left filling voids. The joy, light-hearted moments and sense of companionship previously guiding the relationship, are wrecked. Add in the absence of typical support and affection, and depression puts a massive strain on the relationship and family unit."

 

 

(source: https://stlcfd.com/overcoming-depression-marriage/)

 

 

She had that stress, the stress of raising a special needs child, as well as one who is transgendered and the other illnesses in her family, plus the need to support the whole lot can be so tiring.

 

You obviously love your wife to death. If one thing comes across in your words, it's that. I hope you don't mind, but I asked my husband for his perspective on your situation, as he has been in your shoes. One thing he told me ( and I wish I had known this before) is that me carrying all the weight actually hurt him. He explained that he understood why it ended up that way, but it made him feel like a burden, which is not a way any spouse ever wants to feel. It actually added to his sense of worthlessness. Society has made a lot of progress, but it can still be hard for a man to lean on a woman for everything.

 

My suggetsion? ( I'm full of them...among other things...:p:laugh::laugh::p) is when you get home, sit your wife down and tell her (don't ask) that you know she has been through a really tough time these past few years and you appreciate all she has done for you. Say to her that it's time for her to take a step back so you can be her rock now. It's not a request to ask her if this is okay, it's a statement of fact. Start off with something as simple as giving her a certificate for a "spa day" ( if that's something she likes) , organizing an overnight stay at an inn for just the two of you, something, anything to show her that you have considered her needs and taken action. Is there a relaxing hobby she enjoys? Does she like to travel? Is there a hobby you both enjoy or something you have both always wanted to try? Carve some space in your schedules and sign up for a class. Learning can be a lot of fun, and it can bring back some of the lighthearted fun that seems to have evaporated form your relationship.

 

Along with this, look for areas where she needs support. Don't ask her if she needs help, just start giving it. Show her through actions, not words, that she can count on you.

 

I do think you are a really good husband and you are certainly trying. The way you were there for your wife and family this past week is such a good first step. I know it's hard, but try and be patient. This problem didn't develop quickly, and it's going to take time to work through it. For what it's worth, I think you both have it in yourselves to work through this. She needs to let her guard down, and your job is to show her she can count on you so that she can.

 

btw...if you want to drive your wife away completely, then accuse her of cheating. Investigate (on the sly) if it makes you feel better, but do not accuse her. If she's not cheating, that could very well be the straw that broke the camel's back. " I've been there for you through all your troubles, and now, when I'm feeling burnt out and need some TLC, you accuse me of cheating?" could well be her response.

pepperbird Established Member

pepperbird

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Why isn’t she connecting with him anymore? I could see if she never wants sex again - then end honest with him - but to also have no further emotional and mental connection?

 

 

 

You're only basing your opinion on the op's words. How do you know she doesn't feel any emotional connection to him? He's not a mind reader.

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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Is she on HRT?

Hormone replacement therapy.

I don't believe so, no. One of the possible issues with HRT is a heightened risk of Alzheimer's and other dementias, and given her family history that may not be such a grand idea.
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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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She has had these concerns all along. And for the most part her husband carries a good part of the responsibility with her Mom. So really going to work could be a refreshing distraction from all the chaos at home.
I think that's unquestionably at play here. My wife looks forward to work because there she feels successful and it's very rewarding, whereas home life feels like an unending series of obligations that never fully resolve.

Your description doesn’t address what changed things 18 months ago - considering they have had all these issues for most of the marriage.

I don't know.

It doesn’t explain why she extinguished the mental and emotional connection with her husband... when he handles things at home and with her Mom.

The mental/emotional connection is still there, but it doesn't feel quite as intimate without the sexual component for me.

Who does she work with? Anyone who pays too much attention to her? Did any of her work people attend the funeral?

Her co-workers did send a lovely bouquet of flowers, which we appreciated. I don't know her co-workers well (she has a commute and I simply don't interact with her colleagues all that much). Yes, an affair is possible but I see no concrete evidence of one.

 

****

 

We are probably dealing with a genuinely burnt-out, stressed out wife with menopause. Her lack of interest in sex is not really all that surprising. She probably would like to re-build the sexual connection with me but finds that task so overwhelming that she just has buried the idea under the category of “someday.” I’m guessing she feels guilty that she isn’t there for me sexually right now (and I don’t want her to feel that way!). Meanwhile, I want to do things to support her but not with the objective of gaining sex—that's a losing strategy in the long run. I am not interested in pity-sex or transactional sex (Okay, well, maybe just once or twice—but that's all! I mean it!), I want to looks for ways to help and support her more effectively than I have done in the past so that our relationship functions better. In other words, help my wife out of genuine caring. Nurture the relationship. I want to have fun with her again.

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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A thought occurs to me: Even couples who are not having sex physically still have a sex life, I would venture.

 

By that I mean that there is still a non-physical sexual connection where each partner feels loved and appreciated on that level. There is still an eroticism there.

 

Unfortunately, for my wife and me right now that non-physical sexual connection feels one-sided.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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The mental/emotional connection is still there, but it doesn't feel quite as intimate without the sexual component for me.

 

Ok, so it is not as if your wife has turned into a cold and unfeeling person.

It all feels off to YOU, as there is no sex.

So basically she is doing all the same "loving" stuff, only it now doesn't lead to sex...

Crazelnut Established Member

Crazelnut

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IMO, here's the situation. NOBODY but her knows why she has stopped having sex with you. We're all just speculating. Pages and pages of speculation -- unmanliness, neediness, history of depression, affair, menopause, etc. You are also just speculating, given the way you keep flip flopping all over the place. The only way you can address the issue is if she tells you what the damm issue is. You can't "nice" her into opening up to you. Either she will or she won't.

 

The time is fast approaching for a Come To Jesus meeting. Either she values the marriage enough to address your concerns, or she doesn't. It's that simple. She needs to understand that fact. If she does value the marriage enough to open up, you two can deal with it and start working on whatever it is. If she doesn't, you will have to either leave the marriage or learn to accept it as it is.

 

It is deceptively simple, but all this angst and speculation is just noise. Either SHE values the marriage, or she doesn't. Choose your path accordingly.

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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IMO, here's the situation. NOBODY but her knows why she has stopped having sex with you.
What if she doesn't know either?
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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What if she doesn't know either?

 

She will know.

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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Ok, so it is not as if your wife has turned into a cold and unfeeling person.

It all feels off to YOU, as there is no sex.

So basically she is doing all the same "loving" stuff, only it now doesn't lead to sex...

It's somewhat like that but ... it feels like she's holding back emotionally too. She continues to do the same things but there is this unmistakable undercurrent of ... hesitation or something. It is not easy to describe or to define.
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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.. it feels like she's holding back emotionally too. She continues to do the same things but there is this unmistakable undercurrent of ... hesitation or something. It is not easy to describe or to define.

I guess it is because, she doesn't want to give you the wrong idea, so that you think sex is then a possibility...

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notbroken Established Member

notbroken

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Just be the best you that you can be. Get in the gym. Get a job (yes!). Why that may be called 'sexist' and your wife may never pinpoint that as a reason, dependent men are not viewed as a 'hot commodity'. If you don't believe that then see how a guy that doesn't work is viewed on the open dating market vs a guy with a good job. That doesn't end just because someone is married. Thousands of years of human programming haven't been undone by one generation of television or 'feminism' no matter what people say or claim loudly to believe.

 

Bottom line is be your best. Be independent. Be strong. Look strong. Contribute financially. If she still doesn't want you in the bedroom then your only choice is to either accept it or divorce. Personally, there is no way I'd be celibate for the rest of my life just because that's what she wants - and yes I've been there and know first hand what you are going through in that department (though not for anywhere that long).

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giotto Established Member

giotto

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There is still an eroticism there.

 

 

You have a very vivid imagination... :p

 

If it carries on like this, you'll get disconnected... it's a simple defence mechanism.

Crazelnut Established Member

Crazelnut

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What if she doesn't know either?

 

Then she will either value the marriage enough to figure it out, or she will not. Same end result for you.

 

But I believe she knows.

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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But I believe she knows.

So it seems the likelihood is for her the marriage is already over and beyond repair but she's content for me to stick around being useful until I figure it out and I file for divorce.

 

Swell.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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I guess it is because, she doesn't want to give you the wrong idea, so that you think sex is then a possibility...

 

A very common age-old phenomenon.

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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I guess it is because, she doesn't want to give you the wrong idea, so that you think sex is then a possibility...
Heaven forfend that in kissing and hugging my wife I might become aroused and—brace yourself—want to have sex. Perhaps we have lost sight of the idea that a husband (still) wanting to make love to the fifty-six-year-old woman he's been married to for 22 years is supposed to be a positive thing—at least under normal conditions.
Wallysbears Established Member

Wallysbears

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Heaven forfend that in kissing and hugging my wife I might become aroused and—brace yourself—want to have sex. Perhaps we have lost sight of the idea that a husband (still) wanting to make love to the fifty-six-year-old woman he's been married to for 22 years is supposed to be a positive thing—at least under normal conditions.

 

Then get off LS and go hang out with your family?

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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Then get off LS and go hang out with your family?
Believe me, we spend an ample amount of time together. In fact, it is likely my wife could use a bit more solitude now and then.
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Heaven forfend that in kissing and hugging my wife I might become aroused and—brace yourself—want to have sex. Perhaps we have lost sight of the idea that a husband (still) wanting to make love to the fifty-six-year-old woman he's been married to for 22 years is supposed to be a positive thing—at least under normal conditions.

 

Your wife has made it clear that sex is off the menu, so making you aroused is the last thing she wants to do.

No-one is saying you are abnormal for wanting to have sex with your wife, but in the circumstances, it is not going to happen.

She does not want to get you all aroused to no avail, or for her to feel pressurised to give in, so she keeps her distance and avoids the situation.

Self preservation and an attempt to save you further grief, maybe.

 

...the likelihood is for her the marriage is already over and beyond repair she's content for me to stick around being useful until I figure it out and I file for divorce.

 

You keep saying she wants a divorce as in your mind sex and marriage are intertwined, inextricably linked.

I guess she is perfectly happy with the status quo and sex being off the menu is no skin off her nose. In fact she may feel the marriage is better for the lack of it. Not everyone rates sex like you do, many would literally rather have a cup of tea than sex any day...

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Rotaglia Established Member

Rotaglia

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Your wife has made it clear that sex is off the menu, so making you aroused is the last thing she wants to do.

No-one is saying you are abnormal for wanting to have sex with your wife, but in the circumstances, it is not going to happen.

She does not want to get you all aroused to no avail, or for her to feel pressurised to give in, so she keeps her distance and avoids the situation.

Self preservation and an attempt to save you further grief, maybe.

 

You keep saying she wants a divorce as in your mind sex and marriage are intertwined, inextricably linked.

I guess she is perfectly happy with the status quo and sex being off the menu is no skin off her nose. In fact she may feel the marriage is better for the lack of it. Not everyone rates sex like you do, many would literally rather have a cup of tea than sex any day...

Deep down, I believe my wife does want and need sex. She has not retired from sex, although her relationship with sex has probably shifted. For some reason, she does not want sex from me right now. But she does not owe me sex. She does not owe me love. She does not owe me a marriage. I might argue that she does owe me an explanation, however.

 

In any case, I have chosen to treat her with unconditional love with no expectation of any particular outcome. I do not love her so she will have sex with me. I do not love her so she will love me in return. I will treat her with respect, kindness, and generosity. I will listen actively and attentively. I will enjoy her company. And none of it hinges on what she does.

 

I am no longer afraid of divorce or whatever else comes. I have a vision of the future and I will not be deterred by fear. I will be a good husband until and unless the day arrives when she looks me in the eye and tells me it’s over—or until I do.

 

What kind of tea are you drinking???

 

Some people are happy in sexless marriages, but I would bet most of them are not. The minority of sexless marriages that succeed are those that are so by mutual consent, not by unilateral declaration. I have made it clear that a sexless marriage is not acceptable to me—but for the moment that is where we find ourselves.

 

Although my wife may appear to be content with our sexless marriage, my hunch is that deep down she is far from content. Stay tuned.

 

I am a firm believer that sex ideally (and customarily) should occur when both parties are truly ready and comfortable doing it. It really shouldn't happen under duress, force, guilt, etc. Sexual love must be freely given. So if my wife starts trying to have sex with because she “has to,” that is bound to breed resentment in the long run. I don’t want to be responsible for creating an unhealthy cycle. On the other hand, I don’t think it would inappropriate for us to try being sexual in some form with each other starting right now. It can be incremental and very cautious if necessary. I am open to suggestions and I think she and I would benefit from a good dialogue on this topic. Alas, that is not happening right now. I am also willing to take sex off the table entirely if it means the necessary relationship repair can take place first.

Edited by Rotaglia
BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

Posted
Posted
Just be the best you that you can be. Get in the gym. Get a job (yes!). Why that may be called 'sexist' and your wife may never pinpoint that as a reason, dependent men are not viewed as a 'hot commodity'. If you don't believe that then see how a guy that doesn't work is viewed on the open dating market vs a guy with a good job. That doesn't end just because someone is married. Thousands of years of human programming haven't been undone by one generation of television or 'feminism' no matter what people say or claim loudly to believe.

 

Bottom line is be your best. Be independent. Be strong. Look strong. Contribute financially. If she still doesn't want you in the bedroom then your only choice is to either accept it or divorce. Personally, there is no way I'd be celibate for the rest of my life just because that's what she wants - and yes I've been there and know first hand what you are going through in that department (though not for anywhere that long).

 

Excellent advice.

 

OP, why haven't you taken any steps toward finding employment?

 

You write a lot of flowery words about adoring your wife so much that you don't care about sex but I think you know that isn't true. It seems like you are desperate to cling to your marriage and your wife, so you are trying to convince yourself that you can tolerate anything.

 

Slavish devotion to a woman who is far less effusive will not make her want to have sex with you. In fact, it could become a turn off.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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