Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Wallysbears]

Maybe you weren't following me. You didn't shame her, she is ashamed of herself for cheating on you.

 

I know it has been suggested before, but before you go taking all the blame for everything wrong with your marriage, I urge you to do some digging. What you are dealing with is most unusual.

 

You have zero evidence to suggest this.

[pepperbird]

I highly doubt she's cheating. I think she's just plain burned out.

[pepperbird]

I beginning to get the impression that a lot of the discord is actually being created by the op. It's as if he needs to endlessly analyze, ruminate and go over and over an issue, creating problems as he goes.

 

I also think he would be a very exhausting person for someone to open up to.

 

OP, ask your doctors about this the next time you see them. Also, I would ask them if you exhibits autistic traits. I'm starting to see them more in your writing.

[Tron5]

You have zero evidence to suggest this.

 

And the OP has so far refused to do any digging.

 

In my experience, ILYBINILWY translates to "I'm in love with someone else". How about you?

 

I highly doubt she's cheating. I think she's just plain burned out.

 

She may not be cheating now.

 

He is a SAHD and she has had to support him for 20 years, through children and mental illness. She may very well be burned out. The wife being the primary breadwinner with a SAHD would not work for me or most of the folks I know. It is a precarious place to be for the man in that arrangement and by Western standards seems to lend itself to the W in that situation losing respect for her H. Definitely not for me.

 

So yes, she may be or have been burned out and that is, in her mind, the justification she needed to cheat. I'd like the OP to find out for sure.

 

What I do know for sure, is that the OP won't learn exactly what is going on with her if he doesn't do some digging, if she won't talk about it and if she won't go to counseling. I think this last 18 months will show you that.

 

Babying her, playing the "pick me" dance, tolerating being stonewalled and frozen out of a sex life without his consent has gotten him exactly where he is today...angry, anxious and broken-hearted. If he doesn't put his foot down and force the issue, then he will be at the very minimum no further along 18 months from now.

[Rotaglia]

I beginning to get the impression that a lot of the discord is actually being created by the op. It's as if he needs to endlessly analyze, ruminate and go over and over an issue, creating problems as he goes.

Now hang on just a minute here. I may type a whole lot and perhaps I do repeat myself, but remember Rotaglia is my online persona: I am not him and he is not me. Now, maybe I have created the majority of the discord, but at least it was in response to distress that had a legitimate basis. That being said, I going forward I have decided to focus less on myself and my needs and more on my wife’s. It is, I believe, the soundest strategy available.

I also think he would be a very exhausting person for someone to open up to.

That is possible, but if all goes according to current plan future conversations with my wife will focus on listening actively, empathizing, and only later responding to what she has said (hopefully with less reacting).

 

OP, ask your doctors about this the next time you see them. Also, I would ask them if you exhibits autistic traits. I'm starting to see them more in your writing.

It's certainly possible. Our son was classified as being on the autism spectrum for most of his life (he's not now, but he's on the edge) and I've sometimes wondered if my wife has some of those traits. Perhaps I do too, though if I had to guess I would venture that I'm more likely to have ADHD than ASD. Whatever the case, that's an interesting idea.

[Rotaglia]

In my experience, ILYBINILWY translates to "I'm in love with someone else".

This is possible, but my wife has never actually said that. I was afraid she was going to say that, but she hasn't I don't think she believe that, either.

She may not be cheating now.

Maybe she did. We'll see.

Babying her, playing the "pick me" dance, tolerating being stonewalled and frozen out of a sex life without his consent has gotten him exactly where he is today...angry, anxious and broken-hearted. If he doesn't put his foot down and force the issue, then he will be at the very minimum no further along 18 months from now.

I am not playing the "pick-me" dance because I am making my choices now without regard to a particular outcome. I am choosing the path of unconditional love. If it turns out that it's not enough and one of us files for divorce, so be it. I will have given it my best shot. This marriage and our children deserve it.

 

Yes, it is possible that my wife had an affair. If I were to found out about it, of course it would make me very sad and cause me great disappointment. Is it a certain marriage-ender? I don't know. I'll let you know if and when I experience it. Honestly, though, I don't really think that is what happened here. I could be wrong.

Edited April 4, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

Maybe you weren't following me. You didn't shame her, she is ashamed of herself for cheating on you.

 

I know it has been suggested before, but before you go taking all the blame for everything wrong with your marriage, I urge you to do some digging. What you are dealing with is most unusual.

Okay, a little investigation can't really hurt as long as I, um, don't become obsessed with it.

[Wallysbears]

 

It's certainly possible. Our son was classified as being on the autism spectrum for most of his life (he's not now, but he's on the edge) and I've sometimes wondered if my wife has some of those traits. Perhaps I do too, though if I had to guess I would venture that I'm more likely to have ADHD than ASD. Whatever the case, that's an interesting idea.

 

So your wife has a husband with depression that has put him hospitalized several times, a child with a special needs diagnosis, another child that is transgendered...a mother with dementia.

 

She's worn the f*** out.

 

No wonder she's not interested at all in sex.

[Rotaglia]

So your wife has a husband with depression that has put him hospitalized several times, a child with a special needs diagnosis, another child that is transgendered...a mother with dementia.

She's worn the f*** out.

No wonder she's not interested at all in sex.

You forgot about her super-demanding career!

But the sex I provide is so surpassingly excellent that none of that should matter. :-)

Just kidding....

[Rotaglia]

There is no right answer... my little one will be college-bound in September... I get on with my wife, but she has decided that we don't need sex anymore. I can't be celibate for the rest of my life and I'm not interested in escorts or affairs. So, we will separate, I guess. Just a few months to go. I'm still "waiting", though... she might change her mind, but even so I'm not sure I trust her anymore...

I'm sorry, man. That's a rough situation. When you really love someone and they either don't appreciate the importance of sex or don't care or whatever it's definitely a tough pill to swallow in any relationship.

[Wallysbears]

You forgot about her super-demanding career!

But the sex I provide is so surpassingly excellent that none of that should matter. :-)

Just kidding....

 

Out of curiousity, do you drink a lot?

 

Your responses go from one end of the spectrum to another.

[Tron5]

This is possible, but my wife has never actually said that. I was afraid she was going to say that, but she hasn't I don't think she believe that, either.

Maybe she did. We'll see.

 

I would be very surprised if she admitted it. There are a lot of bad repercussions from admitting it, not the least of which is destroying your family, disappointing your H, your kids, your parents, grandparents, friends, colleagues, etc. Oh, then there is ever-present stigma surrounding being a cheating wife that can be most unpleasant.

 

Much easier to deny and to lie, and let the H think they did something wrong that killed the marriage. It is much more difficult to do the honorable thing and take full responsibility and admit that you cheated.

 

I am not playing the "pick-me" dance because I am making my choices now without regard to a particular outcome. I am choosing the path of unconditional love. If it turns out that it's not enough and one of us files for divorce, so be it. I will have given it my best shot. This marriage and our children deserve it.

 

Yes, it is possible that my wife had an affair. If I were to found out about it, of course it would make me very sad and cause me great disappointment. Is it a certain marriage-ender? I don't know. I'll let you know if and when I experience it. Honestly, though, I don't really think that is what happened here. I could be wrong.

 

Said most every betrayed spouse.

 

I empathize with you...and admire the love you appear to have for your W.

 

This is purely circumstantial and me connecting dots that perhaps aren't related, but I think she has cheated on you. She also doesn't want to be the one blamed, who everyone points their finger at, as the one responsible for the D. It sounds like her family are all very closely tied and that they would highly disapprove, so she will never file. It is easier to put you through the wringer and let you take the blame, be the "bad guy", all because of sex.

Edited April 4, 2019 by Tron5

[Tron5]

Q: Is she the "Golden Child" or an "only"?

[Rotaglia]

Do you drink a lot or use any form of altering drugs?

Other than the occasional beer (one or two a month), no. I had a blood-orange ale at lunch today that was absolutely sublime!

Q: Is she the "Golden Child" or an "only"?

She is the eldest of three children. I am very fond of her brothers, their spouses, and our niece. They are all very bright and quite charming people. My wife's extended family is fantastic—very warm, welcoming folks. I like them a lot!

This is purely circumstantial and me connecting dots that perhaps aren't related, but I think she has cheated on you.

It is definitely possible given her frankly bizarre behavior, yes. Edited April 4, 2019 by Rotaglia

[preraph]

I think their relationship is such that if she had cheated, she would have told him by now and/or left him by now.

[Rotaglia]

I think their relationship is such that if she had cheated, she would have told him by now and/or left him by now.

Ummmm, okay. That's good, right?

 

On the subject of my tendency to repeat myself or go over same issue multiple times, remember that I am doing this as a therapeutic exercise. You folks are a sounding board for ideas. You have helped me clarify my thinking and to formulate a course of action. This is a good thing, not necessarily a sign of autism, mental illness, or substance abuse.

 

So I enjoy writing. Think of it as a form of interactive journaling, nothing more.

[Rotaglia]

This is purely circumstantial and me connecting dots that perhaps aren't related, but I think she has cheated on you. She also doesn't want to be the one blamed, who everyone points their finger at, as the one responsible for the D. It sounds like her family are all very closely tied and that they would highly disapprove, so she will never file. It is easier to put you through the wringer and let you take the blame, be the "bad guy", all because of sex.

I admit this is plausible.

[Tron5]

I think their relationship is such that if she had cheated, she would have told him by now and/or left him by now.

 

I don't agree. Especially since she stonewalls him.

 

But it's ok if we disagree.

 

So she is the oldest of 3 in a very tight Jewish family.

 

Was she a high achiever? Was much expected of her? How was her self-esteem growing up? And how did her mom treat her overall? What kind of relationship do they have?

[preraph]

It could just be as simple as her being so traditional that she sticks it out in her marriage too, like he is basically doing. Nothing wrong with that as long as things are civil. There's no doubt they care about each other emotionally. They have a good foundation. It's just the same old story of sex eroding after many years. And that certainly doesn't always happen from cheating, nor does cheating necessarily want to make you not want to have sex with both, but of course cheating is always on the table and something you have to worry about.

[Rotaglia]

It could just be as simple as her being so traditional that she sticks it out in her marriage too, like he is basically doing. Nothing wrong with that as long as things are civil. There's no doubt they care about each other emotionally. They have a good foundation. It's just the same old story of sex eroding after many years. And that certainly doesn't always happen from cheating, nor does cheating necessarily want to make you not want to have sex with both, but of course cheating is always on the table and something you have to worry about.

Sex is the symptom of other issues such as diminishing communication and emotional intimacy. If the latter two were optimal, the former would be much easier to bear.

So she is the oldest of 3 in a very tight Jewish family.

Correct.

Was she a high achiever?

Yes, all three of them were although the middle one struggled in school.

Was much expected of her?

Yes, but not in an oppressive way.

How was her self-esteem growing up?

She had some body-image struggles like many women and girls but it was overall a happy childhood.

And how did her mom treat her overall?

Very kindly but I think she was closer to her father who passed away young.

What kind of relationship do they have?

We both adore her. She is sweet, kind, and quite funny. Edited April 5, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

My money is on - she’s been cheating a long time and feels much more connected to her OM - so she has nothing to give her husband - the OP.

 

My money is on - she has a demanding job, she supports the family financially, her husband has struggled with mental health, she has children who have stressful needs, her mother has dementia, her grandmother has been ill/just died... She has carried the load and she has done this, now while dealing with menopause...

 

I think it’s fair to expect that sex is so far down her list of priorities, she has probably forgotten about it entirely. And, like many women of that age, she has been so busy working, caring for her parents, and raising her children - she has grown apart from her husband and has no idea how to reconnect or even if she has the time, energy, or the interest...

[Timshel]

I don't agree. Especially since she stonewalls him.

 

But it's ok if we disagree.

 

So she is the oldest of 3 in a very tight Jewish family.

 

Was she a high achiever? Was much expected of her? How was her self-esteem growing up? And how did her mom treat her overall? What kind of relationship do they have?

 

 

So this is getting off track. Rotaglia is the one presenting with information. LS has no information from his wife...zero.

 

 

 

It is possible that Rotaglia's wife is in or has had an affair. It is also possible that she has lost attraction, or in need of a physician's care. We are not privy and neither, apparently, is Rotaglia.

 

Thus the rounds circle.

 

 

It is time, Rotaglia to seek professional counsel.

[elaine567]

What you are dealing with is most unusual.

I don't think it is.

Menopausal woman of 56 - shutting down sex is fairly common and unsurprising.

The symptoms of the menopause are not conducive to having sex.

Reduced or no libido, painful sex, urinary problems and incontinence, joint pain, hot flashes, night sweats, disordered sleeping, depression...

There is also a theory that oestrogen is the "caring" hormone and once oestrogen levels go down, women are less inclined to be caring, so taking care of her husbands sexual and emotional needs goes out the window...

[Marc878]

I don't think it is.

Menopausal woman of 56 - shutting down sex is fairly common and unsurprising.

The symptoms of the menopause are not conducive to having sex.

Reduced or no libido, painful sex, urinary problems and incontinence, joint pain, hot flashes, night sweats, disordered sleeping, depression...

There is also a theory that oestrogen is the "caring" hormone and once oestrogen levels go down, women are less inclined to be caring, so taking care of her husbands sexual and emotional needs goes out the window...

 

Doesn't fix OP's problem though does it?

[giotto]

I don't think it is.

Menopausal woman of 56 - shutting down sex is fairly common and unsurprising.

 

yes, we are going through this. My wife has lost interest in sex completely. If to this we add empty nest syndrome and ADs, our picture is complete... she is kind of surviving... fair enough... now it's up to me to take a decision and Rotaglia will have too.