Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[BettyDraper]

It was your wife's burden to stay with you when you were ill, even though you didn't deliberately choose to be sick. Your wife was your rock during your difficulties. It's time for you to return the favor. If you believe that your wife should let go of your mental health issues, then you should also be prepared to let go of any expectation of sex since you are not ready to make changes to your marriage.

 

Some LS members are questioning your masculinity because you choose to whine and blame your wife, instead of stepping up as a provider and emotional safe harbor for her. Your wife is clearly worn out from being the breadwinner and source of emotional stability in your household. Your marriage is very one sided; your wife resents this and that's why she isn't interested in having sex with you.

Edited April 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

I am happy to step up my game and support my wife in new and different ways because that is what she needs now and ongoingly—and without expectation of a reward or a particular outcome. That is unconditional love. I will not succumb to bitterness. I will create joy in this relationship again. I am happy to defer the matter of sex until we are both ready—right now I am not and neither is she and that is more than okay.

 

I love her so much. I would do anything for her. This is nothing extraordinary—I’m just going to kick my love into a higher gear with no expectations.

Edited April 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Seems to me, men in general tend to forget trivia, arguments, hurts, slights and trauma and consign them to "the past".

BUT women tend not to do that so much as women can often end up adopting the pacifier role.

They thus absorb "trauma" instead of processing it and moving on. They can end up feeling unheard as they attempt to calm troubled waters for the sake of their marriage and kids.

So the result is that they can still remember every hurtful little thing, and years/decades later it can still hurt.

 

I would not be surprised if this present "upset" was not years and years in the making.

[Rotaglia]

Seems to me, men in general tend to forget trivia, arguments, hurts, slights and trauma and consign them to "the past".

BUT women tend not to do that so much as women can often end up adopting the pacifier role.

I agree that is the case here. What's the best way to soothe that hurt and—without expecting it to go away—reassure her that a future with me will most likely be a fulfilling one for both of us? Edited April 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

I’m ready to fall in love again with this beautiful, charismatic, brilliant woman with the soft curves and the radiant smile and the hypnotic eyes who captured my heart all those years ago.

[BettyDraper]

I’m ready to fall in love again with this beautiful, charismatic, brilliant woman with the soft curves and the radiant smile and the hypnotic eyes who captured my heart all those years ago.

 

How does the "arrogance" fit into all of this?

It seems like you have gone from spitting nails to practically writing sonnets about your wife.

 

Part of being in love is actually showing up for your partner the way they need you to instead of just writing about it and making empty promises.

 

What steps have you taken in terms of securing employment? Have you come to accept that your wife needs you to stay strong for her?

[Rotaglia]

Part of being in love is actually showing up for your partner the way they need you to instead of just writing about it and making empty promises.

They are not empty.

Have you come to accept that your wife needs you to stay strong for her?

The strength was always there but I need to demonstrate it in different ways. You and I will never meet in person, but if we did I know would like each other and you would see that I really am an above-average husband—not perfect, but worthy of this very special woman.

[pepperbird]

You say you want to fall in love with the woman from all those years ago? Don't you see, she's not that same woman. She's grown and changed, just as you have.

That doesn't have to be a bad thing. Can you love who she is now?

 

I know it might feel like she should see how well you're doing and feel safe, but it's not that easy. It's not fair, but if you put yourself in her shoes, I think you'll understand. When you got sick, she had to become mom, dad, caregiver and more. It sounds like you had two hospitalizations, and that re enforced those roles.

 

I know it may sound like she should be able "stand down" but she can't. I was in your wife's shoes once, and our counselor told us that all the counseling in the world wouldn't allow me to be less vigilant. He had to show me through action that I could. It took some time, and it was slow to start, but gradually, it happened.

 

The question becomes this. Just as she was there for you, no strings, can you do the same for her? Can you put your needs on the shelf, just for a little while, so she can learn to rebuild that trust in you? Show her, even if it's just in small ways, that she can depend on you. Being there for her during this death in her family is a good start, but you have to be patient. This situation took a long time to build, and it will also need a long time to address. One more thing you may want to consider is, if you are comfortable with having her there and she's willing to go, asking your therapists if it's okay if she sits in on one of your check ins. It could be that hearing from them about how well you are doing and hearing how you have put in so much work to overcome the depression, it can help her to feel as if she's on more solid ground?

 

btw...I wanted to thank you for being about about your depression. I wish more people had your courage...it might help remove some of the stigma.

[Rotaglia]

Things are already growing warmer between the two of us. She knows I am steadfast, that I have her back, and that she can count on my strength. Unconditional love means I love her independent of a result or an outcome.

[Rotaglia]

You say you want to fall in love with the woman from all those years ago? Don't you see, she's not that same woman. She's grown and changed, just as you have.

That doesn't have to be a bad thing. Can you love who she is now?

Yes! Without any reservations. If I gave the impression that I was pining for the version of her from 22 years ago, that is not the case. I love her even more fiercely now than I did back then.

[giotto]

Rotaglia, any particular or significant event before you wife stopped having sex with you? My wife retired to the spare room with the excuse of my chest infection and never came back. Afterwards, she told she was having a great time without the "pressure" of sex and that was it... it's been 15 months... I'm still waiting...

[giotto]

Seems to me, men in general tend to forget trivia, arguments, hurts, slights and trauma and consign them to "the past".

BUT women tend not to do that so much as women can often end up adopting the pacifier role.

They thus absorb "trauma" instead of processing it and moving on. They can end up feeling unheard as they attempt to calm troubled waters for the sake of their marriage and kids.

So the result is that they can still remember every hurtful little thing, and years/decades later it can still hurt.

 

I would not be surprised if this present "upset" was not years and years in the making.

 

I don't believe every single woman is like that but you have described my wife perfectly...

[elaine567]

Yes! Without any reservations. If I gave the impression that I was pining for the version of her from 22 years ago, that is not the case. I love her even more fiercely now than I did back then.

 

But how much is left of the version of you from 22 years ago? The version she fell in love with...

[Rotaglia]

But how much is left of the version of you from 22 years ago? The version she fell in love with...

Interesting question! I’m not sure, but if I had to guess I would say my warmth and wit are still my best qualities. I am a little rounder and grayer. What can you do?

[vla1120]

Things are already growing warmer between the two of us. She knows I am steadfast, that I have her back, and that she can count on my strength. Unconditional love means I love her independent of a result or an outcome.

 

Rotaglia, there have been times that I have been frustrated with your single-minded preoccupation with lack of sex in the marriage and her unwillingness to discuss it with you. Then I remind myself that you are out here on LS, looking for advice. Neither of my husbands would have ever come out here to look for advice, or to consider that they may actually need to make changes. For that, I give you credit.

 

The statement above struck me because never in my life have I had a man (including my father) that I could count on to have my back. My current estranged husband always said he "had my back", but that really translated to him trying to control me in every way possible.

 

I know I have said this previously in this thread and in many other threads - unless there is infidelity, abuse, or drug/alcohol/gambling addiction, I believe every marriage is salvageable. I hope you do decide to give your wife the space she needs to get through whatever it is she seems to be going through right now. I hope that you stay strong and prove to her that you are not going to throw in the towel just because she's not behaving in a manner you think she should right now. We only know one side of the story, so it is hard to look at the big picture. Sometimes, I wish a man could spend a month or two in the body and mind of a perimenopausal or menopausal woman. Like Col. Jessup in "A Few Good Men" said - "You can't handle the truth!"

 

Hang in there. Give her time. No pressure. Be her rock. You've been with her for 22 years. You can wait a little longer to see how this plays out.

[giotto]

I am a little rounder and grayer. What can you do?

 

 

Join the gym and dye your hair?

[giotto]

Hang in there. Give her time. No pressure. Be her rock. You've been with her for 22 years. You can wait a little longer to see how this plays out.

 

I agree... what do you have to lose, Rotaglia? Wait a bit longer... you can give yourself a time limit. Maybe when the little one flies the nest... then you'll be my age... which is the age when you leave, like me...

[vla1120]

I agree... what do you have to lose, Rotaglia? Wait a bit longer... you can give yourself a time limit. Maybe when the little one flies the nest... then you'll be my age... which is the age when you leave, like me...

 

Well, on second thought....that's what I did, too - waited until the youngest was college-bound. As long as your home is not a toxic wasteland, like mine was, giving the wrong impression to your children of what a marriage should be like, I guess it's okay to wait.

 

Oh hell. Who know what the right answer is??

[Tron5]

I have a hard time believing that this is happening because of some old resentment, past wounds, trauma or your depression. Those can certainly slow down a libido and result in a lack of attraction, but a complete freeze...?

 

I believe it a lot more likely that she had an affair and developed an STD she can't get rid of. There would be no way to hide the affair if she had sex with you again.

 

Has she had any unexplained infections, medical treatments, female problems or unusual medications in the medicine cabinet or purse? Can you access any of her medical info, EOB's etc.? And I'd be focusing on that period 18 months ago, when this whole thing started.

[giotto]

Well, on second thought....that's what I did, too - waited until the youngest was college-bound. As long as your home is not a toxic wasteland, like mine was, giving the wrong impression to your children of what a marriage should be like, I guess it's okay to wait.

 

Oh hell. Who know what the right answer is??

 

There is no right answer... my little one will be college-bound in September... I get on with my wife, but she has decided that we don't need sex anymore. I can't be celibate for the rest of my life and I'm not interested in escorts or affairs. So, we will separate, I guess. Just a few months to go. I'm still "waiting", though... she might change her mind, but even so I'm not sure I trust her anymore...

[giotto]

I have a hard time believing that this is happening because of some old resentment, past wounds, trauma or your depression. Those can certainly slow down a libido and result in a lack of attraction, but a complete freeze...?

 

I believe it a lot more likely that she had an affair and developed an STD she can't get rid of. There would be no way to hide the affair if she had sex with you again.

 

Has she had any unexplained infections, medical treatments, female problems or unusual medications in the medicine cabinet or purse? Can you access any of her medical info, EOB's etc.? And I'd be focusing on that period 18 months ago, when this whole thing started.

 

 

It's a possibility!

[Tron5]

It also halfway logically explains why she avoids any discussion of sex, why she apparently carries shame over the lack of sex, why she says how good you are (i.e. she doesn't deserve you) and suggests you find someone else to have sex with.

[Rotaglia]

It also halfway logically explains why she avoids any discussion of sex, why she apparently carries shame over the lack of sex, why she says how good you are (i.e. she doesn't deserve you) and suggests you find someone else to have sex with.

That makes me sad. I never meant to shame her for that, but maybe I did without realizing I was doing it.

 

Rotaglia, there have been times that I have been frustrated with your single-minded preoccupation with lack of sex in the marriage

What did you say? Sorry, I was just thinking about sex again. Please continue.

and her unwillingness to discuss it with you.

It’s a bummer, for sure. But maybe if I can help her feel safe, loved, and relaxed she may eventually open up on that topic.

Then I remind myself that you are out here on LS, looking for advice. Neither of my husbands would have ever come out here to look for advice, or to consider that they may actually need to make changes. For that, I give you credit.

Thank you! I appreciate that.

The statement above struck me because never in my life have I had a man (including my father) that I could count on to have my back. My current estranged husband always said he "had my back", but that really translated to him trying to control me in every way possible.

Control is not the objective here. I want to free my wife to be her best self.

I know I have said this previously in this thread and in many other threads - unless there is infidelity, abuse, or drug/alcohol/gambling addiction, I believe every marriage is salvageable. I hope you do decide to give your wife the space she needs to get through whatever it is she seems to be going through right now. I hope that you stay strong and prove to her that you are not going to throw in the towel just because she's not behaving in a manner you think she should right now. We only know one side of the story, so it is hard to look at the big picture. Sometimes, I wish a man could spend a month or two in the body and mind of a perimenopausal or menopausal woman. Like Col. Jessup in "A Few Good Men" said - "You can't handle the truth!"

Good advice. This woman is very special. She’s worth it. And if it ultimately does not work out I want to be able to tell myself I gave it everything I had.

Hang in there. Give her time. No pressure. Be her rock. You've been with her for 22 years. You can wait a little longer to see how this plays out.

We were on the plane today seated side-by-side and I enjoyed exchanging smiles with her and stoking her arms while she napped. I noticed how happy I felt doing that. It reminded me also how grateful I am to be able to share my life with this extraordinary person—she is a stellar mom, a genius at her job, a great friend and family member, etc. She’s also easy on the eyes.

 

I believe that even if a couple cannot have sex every day, they can strive to make love every day—at that is what I intend to do (I got a little choked up typing this).

 

I could also just pretend that my penis is permanently asleep.

Edited April 4, 2019 by Rotaglia

[vla1120]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vla1120 View Post

Rotaglia, there have been times that I have been frustrated with your single-minded preoccupation with lack of sex in the marriage

What did you say? Sorry, I was just thinking about sex again. Please continue.

 

Okay. I laughed out loud.:lmao::lmao:

[Tron5]

That makes me sad. I never meant to shame her for that, but maybe I did without realizing I was doing it.

 

Maybe you weren't following me. You didn't shame her, she is ashamed of herself for cheating on you.

 

I know it has been suggested before, but before you go taking all the blame for everything wrong with your marriage, I urge you to do some digging. What you are dealing with is most unusual.