Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

April 2, 2019

Although I have depended on my spouse, I am not dependent on her.

Maybe she really did have my best interests at heart when she told me to leave her and find another love. Maybe she was right and that is the path. I am in no hurry, believe me. No rebound relationships for this guy!

Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

April 2, 2019

Remember she needs you to be her rock. Probably especially right now. So try to stop obsessing over the marriage and future right now and just be strong and unemotional for her and don't try to talk about anything about the relationship for a good while. You are a bit obsessive, as you know. That wears on people. I know you're airing it here to protect her from it, and that's a good thing, but she knows you. So it's pressure.

Be strong for her right now and separate it from all your issues with the relationship. Be the good husband and be sure to just check in with her and let her call some of the shots, but if she doesn't want to, be ready to do it yourself. Keep it simple. Like around the funeral, to or from, "What do you want to do about lunch, fast food or sit down? Let me know when you're hungry." Just the basics.

April 2, 2019

Exactly. Just be chill. Make no demands. No hovering. No asking if she has decided—that's for when I had just proposed 22 years ago (it was a whirlwind romance). Initiate no emotional discussions. Be steady, consistent, and kind. Start earning money.

Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 2, 2019

I know it's hard to stifle it, and you're entitled, but certainly now is not the time to address issue.

April 2, 2019

I know it's hard to stifle it, and you're entitled, but certainly now is not the time to address issue.

No doubt. I also know that once the mourning period stops it is likely my wife will find a reason not to engage in the marriage rebuilding process yet again. So I will go about getting on with my own life independent of her. The door remains open a crack but I won’t sit staring at it for her to walk through it. She has made it clear through action and inaction how she views the marriage.

April 3, 2019

My wife delivered a beautiful eulogy for her grandmother today. I held her hand, I complimented her words, and I spent the day being scrupulously low-key, gracious to our guests, comforting my family, being helpful, and certainly avoiding any talk about “the relationship.” I took my mother-in-law to buy a last-minute pair of shoes (that's the kind of thing I do customarily). So I was demonstrating, I hope, quiet strength and consistency.

So what happens once life returns to normal? I know I can't afford to focus on outcomes: save the marriage, restore our sex life, etc. That strategy hasn't worked. I do think playing a little defense makes sense: Do legal research, check out some apartments, gather documentation for a possibel separation all make sense.

But how the heck do I talk to a woman who refuses to be held accountable for the grievous and unnecessary wounds she has inflicted on our marriage? She has to be called out for her toxic words and behavior, her rotten marital conduct in the last two years. But if her disrespect for me and her marriage is what led to those things in the first place, how can I convince her to address her negative behavior now?

I could try the be-her-best-friend approach, try and get her relaxed enough to share her thoughts with me. I could perhaps convince her that even if addressing the problems with our marriage is painful in the moment, she will feel better once we have done it and it will actually take emotional pressure off of her. She will function better at work. She will feel better about herself and about me.

How do you tell a stubborn and sometimes arrogant woman that she is in the wrong in a way that she might actually listen?

Maybe she didn't set out to treat me like dirt, but she certainly did do so and it is not right. I know that in all likelihood she wants a divorce as is too weak to say so, or at best wants as minimal a relationship with me while keeping our family intact (possibly reserving the option of dumping me once our daughter leaves for college). I see that I shouldn't put up with this, but an ultimatum would surely not go over well.

So maybe the strategy is prepare, prepare, prepare. Seek new employment. Use the time I have to be readier than she is for an inevitable war. The thing is, though, that if we are to become ex-husband and ex-wife to each other, we will still be tied to each other, see each other all the time. You don't just excise a 22-year marriage from your history. This means I need to preserve goodwill along with my self-respect.

I can forgive a lot. I can overlook a lot. I am a gentle person. But some things are simply too appalling to just let go, and her conduct falls under that category.

Edited April 3, 2019 by Rotaglia

April 3, 2019

I don't think you get it. You cannot make her do a thing.

You are trying the "nicing her back" approach. That has the opposite affect that you think it will.

Go your own way.

April 3, 2019

How do you tell a stubborn and sometimes arrogant woman that she is in the wrong in a way that she might actually listen?

How do you tell a man that he is wrong in a way that he might actually listen.

Form all that you have written, your wife has tried to tell you. Yet you did not listen.

Despite the immense pain and heartbreak that comes from having a close relationship with someone who (through no fault of their own) is afflicted with a mental illness.

She has evidently tried for many years to offer you emotional plus financial support, latitude, empathy and care. This has come at an immense price to her. Sometimes the best thing to do through that, iis let you go for her own sake.

She is tired, and no longer loves you romantically. In that respect she is done.

If there was hope, you wouldn't be hear claiming that you are the victim, and that your wife has wronged you immensely. The fact that you are so self centred in this. That your posts are all about you, that you think you have been wronged, all reveal an extraordinary lack of empathy for your wife.

Falling out of love with you isn't treating you like dirt or behaving appallingly. Not wanting to have sex with you for two years as a consequence of being worn so much with you that she has fallen out of love with you isn't rotten marital conduct.

At the end of the day, I hope your wife finally gets the time to heal from having to care for you, without being inundated by selfish wants.

She's already told you to get sex elsewhere and leave her be. Perhaps you might respect your wife enough to believe her, and then afford her the dignity of accepting what she wants.

If you are not able to or not willing to give her what she wants. When she has generously sacrificed so much of herself at her own expense, in supporting you through your affliction. Perhaps you might consider trying to stop taking from her?

April 3, 2019

Form all that you have written, your wife has tried to tell you. Yet you did not listen.

Despite the immense pain and heartbreak that comes from having a close relationship with someone who (through no fault of their own) is afflicted with a mental illness.

I have overcome my mental illness thanks to my wife, my own inner strength, and proper treatment. It is in the past. While I can understand my wife worrying that my depression could return, that anxiety in her could be managed effectively if she were willing to address it. It makes no sense for her to lord that experience over me in perpetuity or to punish herself for the remainder of her days for that shared trauma. I mean, she certainly *can* do that, but if there's an alternative, why wouldn't you take it. She should see a shrink.

She has evidently tried for many years to offer you emotional plus financial support, latitude, empathy and care. This has come at an immense price to her. Sometimes the best thing to do through that, iis let you go for her own sake.
She is tired, and no longer loves you romantically. In that respect she is done.

Fine. She is wants to break up with me romantically. She should have the decency to say so explicitly and accept the consequences that come with it. Instead she hides, treats me like dirt, and avoids any conversation about the relationship.

If there was hope, you wouldn't be hear claiming that you are the victim, and that your wife has wronged you immensely. The fact that you are so self centered in this. That your posts are all about you, that you think you have been wronged, all reveal an extraordinary lack of empathy for your wife.

About whom else should my posts be about? Of course they are about me. While I wouldn't interact with others in real life considering only my own perspective, here in this forum you bet it's all about me. Why wouldn't it be?

Falling out of love with you isn't treating you like dirt or behaving appallingly. Not wanting to have sex with you for two years as a consequence of being worn so much with you that she has fallen out of love with you isn't rotten marital conduct.

Yes, it is.

At the end of the day, I hope your wife finally gets the time to heal from having to care for you, without being inundated by selfish wants.

Sorry, but a husband wanting to have sex with his wife is normal and hardly selfish. I understand she cannot meet me there right now and I do have compassion for her, but my desire is to lovingly share sexual experiences with her for the sake of closeness, mutual pleasure, and joy.

Perhaps you might consider trying to stop taking from her?

I am open to working with her to reconfigure our relationship in such a way that it works for both of us. But I can't do that entirely by myself. She has to engage and work with me. Edited April 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 3, 2019

Also, folks, it is worth mentioning that our children do not deserve to have their parents split up. Divorce would be a huge emotional and financial setback for all of us. Why endure that if we don't have to? We all genuinely care about each other. There has got to be a solution that does not involve dissolution.

I want to continue to enhance my wife's life. I want to support her and be there for her. I want to give her rest, comfort, security, and warmth. When she comes home from her long days at work, I want her to be glad to see me because I am her safe harbor. If, in order to do that effectively, I have to alter my approach then I am more than ready to do that.

I simply want an open, honest, loving conversation about how we can make this all work without going nuts, without splitting up, and without anybody hurting anyone either deliberately or by accident. There is an alternative to divorce here but it will take a bit of exploration to find it.

My wife has basically been having the I-love-you-but-I'm-not-in-love-with-you conversation with me without actually owning those feelings. The next time we talk about our marriage, I will try to refrain from judgment and overreaction and simply listen carefully so later I can respond with love and compassion. Suppose I have been selfish. How do I start behaving less selfishly in this situation? How do I love my spouse unconditionally and without regard to any particular outcome or result?

She should ask a lawyer about the spousal support, child support, and alimony she is likely to have to pay me in a divorce; that might cause her to think differently about the situation. Our home would likely be sold and our daughter would split her time between two 2-bedroom apartments. Is that really want she wants? Must it be so?

Edited April 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

April 3, 2019

She doesn't want sex/romance from me. I get it. That's a bummer but I get it. I would be willing to try to re-ignite that aspect of our relationship but she is not. So maybe we declare an indefinite halt to the romance and simply focus on being a well-functioning couple who care about each other?

The trouble with that is I do want romance, intimacy, and sex. I miss that.

April 3, 2019

Get a job. Become more of a "man" by becoming capable of standing on your own two feet. Maybe get some hobbies outside of your family and your mother in law.

Right now? I'm going to bet that your wife sees you as one more person that SHE is responsible for in life and nothing about that is sexy.

And I'm sorry if you think that is sexist. It is likely just the flat out truth.

Maybe, just maybe, if you do these sort of things you can save your marriage. The question is, are YOU willing to put in that effort and change YOUR lifestyle in order to do so?

April 3, 2019

I just want her to know how special she is.

April 3, 2019

That is why you need to think very carefully before blowing things to smithereens due to essentially lack of sex.

Your wife it seems to me is fairly comfortable with the status quo, if she was in a hurry to leave she would have done so by now.

She is the one with the job, so whilst paying you for a while, may not be optimal, she is already supporting you and her children, so not a lot of change really for her financially.

Yes you may both end up in apartments, but I guess that boils down to your decision, not hers...

She is not the one consulting lawyers and considering divorce is she?

April 3, 2019

That's not going to get you anywhere. She's been special for supporting you and your family through your depression, in patient stays, etc. She's special in taking care of her grandmother, mother, etc.

She doesn't need someone to tell her how special she is.

She needs her husband to step up and be a bit more of a man and a bit less of a drain on her. You do that by getting a job and becoming a partner rather than someone else she is responsible for taking care of.

April 3, 2019

op,

It's a tough road to hoe being married to someone with mental illness, just like I know it's a tough row to how to be married to someone with any other chronic illness. You never know when that black dog may start to growl.

I have person experience with mental illness in both my spouse and one of my children, and it is exhausting. You may not even be aware what your wife went through while you were sick. None of that is your fault, but she went through hell and back for you. My guess? She's coping with PTSD and is afraid to let her guard down. It's up to you to show her it's safe for her to do so.

I really do think that she is showing you she loves you through actions and not words. Words can be really tough sometimes. I can tell you this...if she didn't love you, she'd be long gone by now.

Once this latest bump in the road ( the funeral, etc.) is over, is there any way the two of you could get away together for a few days, sans kids?

April 3, 2019

Everyone seems to be assuming that I'm this big ol’ unmanly, unsexy, latently depressed burden on my poor, suffering wife. Maybe that's true but it is not the only possibility and it would sure help instead of speculating that it might be so that we hear from the horse's mouth as to how she really feels.

Depression shouldn't be a scarlet letter than renders me forever ineligible for sex and romantic love from my wife.

I do not help my mother-in-law out of expectation of a reward or thanks from my wife. It is *not* transactional in any way; however, it would be nice not be penalized for it with resentment.

Oh, wait—let me guess. Women want mystery and adventure and excitement and my dependability, loyalty, and good parenting and lack of tattoos and a motorcycles renders me forever unboinkable.

If a man in my wife's position refused to have sex or even give oral sex to his wife in identical circumstances, he would get raked over the coals for his selfishness and obtuseness. Classic, undeniable sexism. My wife is getting a free pass.

Edited April 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

April 3, 2019

My wife is getting a free pass.

I think it's one of those things... people fall out of love, for whatever reason. Yes, it hurts, but it's life. You are old enough to understand it. Since sex is important to you and your wife is not prepared to discuss it, you don't have much choice. Or you do have a choice. Stay until your youngest is 18 (if you can bear it) and see what happens... if nothing changes, you can go, knowing you've done your best.

April 3, 2019

It still seems to me that women are allowed to fall out of love with their men, but not the reverse.

April 3, 2019

A marriage or really any relationship continues ONLY because both partners choose to remain in it. Love or no. *Like* or no. Safe and healthy or no.

No one is allowing or not allowing anything - what's considered socially acceptable by others is really just tangential.

No one is forcing you to stay, except possibly your state's laws and I'd bet even for that there is a workaround if you look into it.

April 3, 2019

It's hard for some women to understand why if you're getting love and affection from her, so at least you're getting cuddling, in other words, which you did say earlier, then it doesn't seem it would be that bad to just masturbate for the release. I mean, I get it, it's a bad situation, but like you posted above a woman would be mad if a man didn't do oral or something in the same situation. I don't think that's true. I, for one, would just get myself off if that was the one thing missing but I really loved the person and they loved me and we had a great life together. Or I'd leave and be single and date. However, I am not that person that needs "a life together," so I am instead single and don't date and don't want to anymore.

April 3, 2019

If a man in my wife's position refused to have sex or even give oral sex to his wife in identical circumstances, he would get raked over the coals for his selfishness and obtuseness. Classic, undeniable sexism. My wife is getting a free pass.

Most people would understand the emotions of your situation.

This isn't about punishing you for depression, it's about fear, especially if you self harmed or threatened to do so. Do you have any idea what it's like to see the person you love more than anything else in this world spiral down until "they' aren't even there any more? To see them questioning whether or not the family would be better off if they ended their life? To find them sobbing in the corner on the floor because they feel so bad? Worse, to look in their eyes and see absolutely nothing? That emptiness was so much worse than the tears.

Just as your depression was hard on you, it was hard on your wife. It would be no different if you'd been diagnosed with cancer, COPD, MS or some other chronic disease. Mental illness is just like any other disease that way.

This isn't your fault, but your wife may well have learned that she couldn't depend on you when you were sick. Again, you didn't ask for that or want it, but it's what happened. Taking charge of some of the "responsible" roles in your marriage will show her that she can trust you to be there for her and it's okay to let her guard down. Something like " honey, you've worked hard all these years. Our kids are older now and I'm feeling really good, so I feel like it's time for me to find a job, go back to school, whatever so that providing for our family won't all be on you". That could be a good first step.

It really comes down to this. Just as she was there for you to lean on during your illness, she needs to know she can lean on you in a way that works for her . That may well be different that what works for you, but that's part in parcel of loving someone. Supporting them in the way that works for them, not just you. IMHO, you should do some looking online for caregiver support groups. You might well get a very different perspective on what your wife has been through. Just as you needed time to heal in your own way, so does she.

Edited April 3, 2019 by pepperbird

April 3, 2019

I completely agree that she needs to be able to lean on me in a way that works for her, but learning how to do that in the most effective way would be easier if she would provide a few pointers. If not, fine—I'll proceed according to my most insightful guess.

April 3, 2019

I don't need her for me to survive emotionally; I invite her into a space of love I have created.

I don't need her to be my wife to be happy, but she is welcome to be the wife of a happy and secure man.

April 3, 2019

I have overcome depression and I'm functioning well and I would prefer not be reminded every time my wife rejects an implicit or explicit sexual overture of that awful piece of our past. She should let it go already or seek professional help—it should not be my burden to fix an issue in her brain.

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Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

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