Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[giotto]

She needs to know where you are at. If you are thinking that you can not continue with the status quo, she needs to know that. Then, she can make a decision about whether she wants to reinvest or not.

 

 

I'm sure the OP is looking forward to months and months of pity sex... because this is what he will be getting...

[bathtub-row]

What good do either of those things do? Punish her? I don't wish to punish her. Alienate her? I don't want to alienate her, I want to draw her closer.

 

Like I said, clueless.

 

Many others have said it already - you don’t fawn over someone who’s turned off by you or who treats you with disrespect. You’ll catch on someday. Maybe you’ll have a walking cane by then, but you’ll get it eventually.

[elaine567]

Just the fact that you talk about her satisfying you in other ways tells me just how out of touch with her that you are. When a woman is turned off by a man, she doesn’t want to touch him in any sexual way. You also talked about masturbating while she was in the bed. I hope you can see how completely out of touch these thoughts and actions are.

 

It does seems quite a common male perspective though, that a woman who is totally turned off needs to spend time giving him blow and hand jobs, as if a totally turned off man would want to spend time giving oral or fingering an "undesirable" woman to climax...

[Rotaglia]

No, it’s not. You are not saying that you have an appointment with a lawyer or planning to file. You are not telling her that she needs to change her ways, or else...

I don't think she will see much of a difference there and neither do I.

 

She needs to know where you are at. If you are thinking that you can not continue with the status quo, she needs to know that. Then, she can make a decision about whether she wants to reinvest or not.

 

The two of you don’t talk, about anything that really matters. We have how many pages here of you hypothesizing and assuming what your wife is feeling, but the truth is - you don’t actually know because you don’t actually talk. I realize, she shuts down your attempts... but, the fact that she does this everytime you attempt to communicate with her tells me that you are having problems communicating effectively with each other.

 

Your wife needs to know how you are feeling. And you, need to know how she is feeling. To have good communication, you both must be willing to make yourselves vulnerable and you must be willing to listen. Two things neither of you seem particularly willing to do...

You describe things as if you haven't read what I wrote. You ascribe to me failures to do x or y that have not in fact occurred. I have spoken to my wife. I have reached out. We have communicated. I find it frustrating to read comments from you that suggest that you have not really paid attention to my account of what has happened.

[Rotaglia]

It does seems quite a common male perspective though, that a woman who is totally turned off needs to spend time giving him blow and hand jobs, as if a totally turned off man would want to spend time giving oral or fingering an "undesirable" woman to climax...

It's called showing kindness to somebody you love. I have given oral sex to her/u] when I wasn't all that into it because it was a kind, loving thing to do. I gave oral sex to her for a while when I thought her genitalia did not smell or taste particularly good to me (this was several years ago). But I did it anyway and I was glad to do it because it brought her pleasure and relief and I was satisfied too because I was able to do something nice for somebody I love. It didn't kill me. Is it really so much to ask?

 

I miss the joy of being to give sexual pleasure to my wife much more than I miss receiving sexual pleasure from her.

 

But I have given up on all things sexual until further notice, tragically.

[Rotaglia]

Like I said, clueless.

 

Many others have said it already - you don’t fawn over someone who’s turned off by you or who treats you with disrespect. You’ll catch on someday. Maybe you’ll have a walking cane by then, but you’ll get it eventually.

Is there a middle ground? Perhaps I can be loving but not fawning. I could detach from her somewhat without pushing her away. I have pretty much done that anyway.

[BaileyB]

I'm sure the OP is looking forward to months and months of pity sex... because this is what he will be getting...

 

Well, if that’s what happens with no communication and/or the sex dries up again - that will be a pretty clear answer.

 

If he wants to feel like he has tried everything before ending his marriage, then an honest and direct conversation is in order.

[Rotaglia]

I'm sure the OP is looking forward to months and months of pity sex... because this is what he will be getting...

Pity sex is best avoided. I do not want to guilt my wife into doing something she does not wish to do with her full heart. OTOH, if she does feel guilty while doing it, I would rather not know.

 

I release my wife from her guilt. Guilt is not helping us. Not mine. Not hers. It's a boulder in the path of progress.

 

I accept what has happened. I accept what she did and what I did. Now I want to take her hand and walk forward with her together.

[Rotaglia]

If he wants to feel like he has tried everything before ending his marriage, then an honest and direct conversation is in order.

Absolutely agree.

 

I would like to have some kind of resolution before our anniversary at the end of May. I want to be laughing and celebrating a rejuvenated marriage on that day. If not, I don't know what I will do. Ignoring the anniversary entirely would be exquisitely painful for me.

[pepperbird]

It's ironic really. Apparently my wife is so concerned about my past mental health issues that she's doing things to in the present that drive me crazy. Not exactly helpful!

If she chooses to use depression from the past to poison our present and future, there is little I can do other than to reassure her, take good care of myself, keep up with treatment, etc.

But honestly? If I couldn't or wouldn't have sex with my partner because I could not let go of past involuntary traumas that befell both of us, then I would seek professional help. She refuses to do so. Is that appropriate?

Her dysfunction in the present is itself a mental health challenge for her and she is refusing to address it or allow me to help her with it.

 

This the essence of the mental health stigma. If I had cancer instead of depression, everyone would take my wife to task for being so cruel, but since it was depression, it's blame-the-victim-24/7 with societal permission. Well, guess what—depression is an illness and no more my fault than cancer would have been.

 

 

Look, I'm sorry, but I haven't seen one iota of that on here. You're projecting.

 

Like I said, the more you respond, the more you reveal, and quite frankly, this is very self centered.

 

 

Do you have any idea how hard it is to care for someone with mental illness? I do. I cared for both my oldest and husband. My oldest was hospitalized for major depressive disorder and my husband coped with combat related PTSD. It is incredibly emotionally draining, far worse that caring for someone with cancer ( which i have also done)

People with cancer don't call you names, don't lash out, don't shut down, they don't expect you to carry the emotional toll. People with mental illness do. You are likely not aware of that, and if your own 'black dog's" bark was bad enough for you to be hospitalized, well, all I can say if you have no idea the strength of your wife to stand by you through that. Many spouses don't. In your case, not only did your wife become the breadwinner, the emotional support for your children but also an adult man as well. What do you think that was like for her?

 

 

Your posts are all about "me, me , me ME!!!!" and what you have gone through. You complain that your wife won't open up to you, but you indicate yourself that you didn't always respond well. It;s possible she just stopped trying.

 

 

Also, if you think care giving for someone with mental illness isn't hard, I suggest you seek out an online support forum. It may be a very eye opening experience for you.

[pepperbird]

She texted first. I told her to call if she feels like it. That seemed appropriate. We will talk by phone shortly, I'm sure.

 

 

Call her. She's well in a lot of pain right now, and you text?

Is this an example of how you communicate?

[Rotaglia]

Do you have any idea how hard it is to care for someone with mental illness? What do you think that was like for her?

I am doing my best to genuinely understand that and respond with empathy, compassion, and gratitude.

 

Your posts are all about "me, me , me ME!!!!" and what you have gone through.

About whom else should I write? Of course my posts are from my perspective.

You complain that your wife won't open up to you, but you indicate yourself that you didn't always respond well. It's possible she just stopped trying.

I would ask her to try again despite past difficulties.

 

Also, if you think care giving for someone with mental illness isn't hard, I suggest you seek out an online support forum. It may be a very eye opening experience for you.

Of course it is hard. No one is suggesting otherwise. I appreciate the trauma my illness brought. But I would also ask my loved ones to consider how I have overcome depression and gone on to become (I humbly submit) a better husband and father because of it.

[Rotaglia]

Call her. She's well in a lot of pain right now, and you text?

Is this an example of how you communicate?

I did call her. We spoke for several minutes.

 

I feel like you are being a bit too hard on me today. Could you cut me a bit of slack, please?

[Wallysbears]

I'm sure the OP is looking forward to months and months of pity sex... because this is what he will be getting...

 

Or perhaps they will start effectively communicating?

[pepperbird]

What issues do you think your wife has with you? If we were to ask for her view of your marriage and how you treat her, what do you think she would say? What do you think would she say happens if she tries to talk to you? W

 

 

 

You must have some idea.

[Rotaglia]

Or perhaps they will start effectively communicating?

It's achievable.

She is worth it; I am worth it.

She deserves a loving, equal, supportive, joyful marriage.

So do I.

It can be done.

Unconditional love is the only love that makes any sense to me.

[pepperbird]

I did call her. We spoke for several minutes.

 

I feel like you are being a bit too hard on me today. Could you cut me a bit of slack, please?

 

 

No problem, but honestly, I don;t see anyone on here being that hard on you, but you do, so I'll stop.

My condolences to your wife, you and your children. It sounds like they have some wonderful memories that will be very comforting and bring smiles to all your faces in the future.

[Wallysbears]

I am doing my best to genuinely understand that and respond with empathy, compassion, and gratitude.

 

About whom else should I write? Of course my posts are from my perspective.

I would ask her to try again despite past difficulties.

 

Of course it is hard. No one is suggesting otherwise. I appreciate the trauma my illness brought. But I would also ask my loved ones to consider how I have overcome depression and gone on to become (I humbly submit) a better husband and father because of it.

 

When was your last visit with a doctor about your depression? Or to check your meds if you take any? You say you’ve only had one visit with a therapist. What have you been doing to manage your depression if not therapy? Depression is rarely just “cured” and gone. It needs to be constantly kept in balance like an autoimmune disease does.

[pepperbird]

It's achievable.

She is worth it; I am worth it.

She deserves a loving, equal, supportive, joyful marriage.

So do I.

It can be done.

Unconditional love is the only love that makes any sense to me.

 

 

Unconditional love is always there in the background. Sometimes, it needs a shake up, but it is always there.

 

 

In an odd way, your wife's relative's passing may be an opportunity. If she was married a long time ( and it was a happy enough relationship) perhaps you could approach your wife with an opener like " x and y were married a long time. How do you think they were able to make it work when so many can't?". It might be easier for your wife to begin opening up this way. Baby steps, and since she wouldn't be directly talking about herself, it might be a bit easier.

[BaileyB]

You describe things as if you haven't read what I wrote. You ascribe to me failures to do x or y that have not in fact occurred. I have spoken to my wife. I have reached out. We have communicated. I find it frustrating to read comments from you that suggest that you have not really paid attention to my account of what has happened.

 

I have read everything you have posted. And I’m sorry if you feel that we are being unreasonably hard on you.

 

As I said, I can appreciate that you have made attempts to communicate and they have not been reciprocated. This post, among others, does not speak to effective communication between both partners in a marriage.

 

Obviously we need to talk at some point but my attempts to initiate conversations about the relationship/marriage have not borne fruit; instead, they have resulting in her stonewalling, crying, or protesting that she "lacks the bandwidth" to deal with it.

[Rotaglia]

What issues do you think your wife has with you? If we were to ask for her view of your marriage and how you treat her, what do you think she would say? What do you think would she say happens if she tries to talk to you? W

 

 

 

You must have some idea.

It's a little challenging to speak for her, but here's my swing at it:

1. She does love me, but the romantic/sexual aspect is really hard or impossible for her right now. I am not sure if she really wants to try to reinvigorate that aspect of our marriage but I would love it if she would work with me on that. Any appropriate steps would be welcome: she could read a book, see a therapist, start using the vibrator I bought her, whatever works for her. I am willing to be patient in exchange for effort on her part;
   
2. I do think there are some unresolved issues (e.g., how my past depression affected her) that have not yet been fully addressed. I accept that this may make emotional/sexual intimacy hard for her in the present. I am willing to work with her and support her in overcoming or managing those feelings. I do not expect those feelings to disappear but I do want them to play a smaller role in her life;
   
3. I am not sure if there are things about our life together (like my work/lifestyle) that she would like to change, but I am open to an honest discussion of that area;
   
4. I think she feels guilty for not being able to be my full-on romantic and sexual partner. I want to release her from that guilt. I would love it if she could take steps to restoring that part of our marriage if she is able.
   
5. She thinks I'm a great guy and great father. She genuinely enjoys my company. I make her laugh.
   
6. Sadly, I think she probably does want a divorce but cannot bear telling me that because she thinks that would make her a bad person. It doesn't. It would be awful and disastrous, but it doesn't make her a bad person. I prefer rebuilding to divorce.
   

[Rotaglia]

When was your last visit with a doctor about your depression? Or to check your meds if you take any? You say you’ve only had one visit with a therapist. What have you been doing to manage your depression if not therapy? Depression is rarely just “cured” and gone. It needs to be constantly kept in balance like an autoimmune disease does.

I see a psychiatrist every month for medication updates and overall case management. I had a therapist for several years but he moved on so there was a gap; I resumed therapy with a new therapist last week. Meanwhile, I play my guitar, spend time with friends, try to get exercise, sleep, sunshine, and good food. Maybe I'll try some yoga.

 

Despite all the difficulties with my wife, I am actually doing quite well. My mood is good. I'm a little obsessive about the relationship, naturally. LoveShack helps me manage that obsession.

 

I focus on my wonderful children.

And I am grateful for my wife's presence in my life. I want things to be better even if it requires me to do things that are profoundly uncomfortable. I have to face my weaknesses. I have to empathize. I have to exercise patience.

[Rotaglia]

Maybe the mistake I'm making in communicating with my wife is that I am not doing enough to really listen intently and hear the essence of what she is saying and maybe instead of trying to refute her or talk her out of it instead make it clear that I understand and accept what she is trying to tell me. Maybe her frustration is that she doesn't feel truly heard.

 

I can learn to be a better listener.

FWIW, I have garnered praise in the past for being a good listener, but there is probably still room for improvement.

[Rotaglia]

I accept what has happened between us.

I don't have to like it, but I accept it.

I will no longer blame my wife for her past behavior.

Let's work toward solutions.

I will support my wife on her journey.

I will listen to her carefully to truly understand what she is trying to convey.

I will ask her to work toward rebuilding our marriage.

We will re-establish trust.

We will foster closeness.

I love her unconditionally.

[Rotaglia]

I am a bit of a romantic. Sometimes the intensity of my desire for my wife bewilders her. I am very expressive of that.

 

Maybe on some level that bothers her because she cannot match my intensity.

 

But you know, that is okay. No couple has equal levels of ardor one for the other. It's a dynamic situation. She doesn't have to be head-over-heels in love all the time for me to be happy.