Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

Unfortunately, what I think my wife is trying to convey is she would like a divorce but hesitates because of its impact on our children and her guilt over discarding a "nice guy" like me. She does not want the stress, mess, and turmoil of separation and divorce. Therefore, she is willing to tolerate non-sexual cohabitation until either she gets up the nerve to ask for a divorce or I do.

 

She hasn't actually *said* any of this, but these are the inferences I believe may be reasonable to draw.

 

I don't think she is romantically interested in me at all but she still enjoys my company as long as I don't try to be "too romantic."

 

I don't think she's serious about relationship repair. If she were, we'd have begun working on it a good while ago.

 

I think she emotionally "checked out" of this marriage as a romantic relationship quite a while ago.

[Rotaglia]

Find out who she is screwing!

The attorney I consulted feels that hiring a private investigator is a waste of money. I have not found any evidence myself. I propose that I drop the effort to uncover an affair. If she is having one or has had one and wishes to tell me about it, we will deal with it at that time.

[pepperbird]

op,

I think a big part of your problem is that you're projecting. You aren't happy, so you assume your wife is not either.

 

 

You could be right, I don't know. You could also be dead wrong.

 

It's still sticking in my mind how little depth of understanding you have about your contributions to the state of your marriage. You've been asked, but you don't answer.

 

look, let's be honest here. You aren't a perfect husband. No one is, but it sounds like you really do try. You've also been married for over two decades, and from what you say, it's mostly been the past two years that have gone sour.

 

 

Looking back, can you find anything, small as it may seem, that seemed to be the seed of all of this? Was there some sort of major upheaval, did she get a promotion at work, did you inadvertently say something?

 

Most importantly, does she feel she can trust you with her deepest emoticons? If not, why?

 

( when I keep going back to the relationship between the two of you, I'm not trying to pick at you or blame you. It's just that after 20 some odd years, it's pretty difficult to accept that there haven't been hurtful events along the way. these can really build up)

 

Also ( and please don't freak out at me..I say this gently:p:laugh:) about the sex. Before these past two years, did she seem to enjoy it?I'm asking because if sex is good, most women don't get turned off it, barring some external stressors like depression, birth control or anitidepressants, some psychiatric meds., exhaustion , illness, etc.

I'm not saying you're a sexual dufus ( ugh...that sounds like the title to a really stupid song), but do you think she enjoyed it before? If so, what changed about sex with you that has made her not want it? I know this may sound far fetched, but could she be gay or bisexual and finding the sexual part of your marriage to be a turn off to her?( I know that's probably a real stretch)

[5x5]

It makes perfect sense. If my goal was to have my wife lose any desire to have sex with me at all, I would do what the OP is doing and behave exactly the way he has been.

[pepperbird]

I propose that I drop the effort to uncover an affair. If she is having one or has had one and wishes to tell me about it, we will deal with it at that time.

 

Some people have been badly hurt by infidelity and they see it everywhere. Once bitten, twice shy.

 

FWIW ( and I could be wrong) I don't think your wife is cheating either.

[bathtub-row]

I agree with SB2. Finding out if there’s an affair is for your knowledge. Personally, I think she is. And, if I were in your shoes, I’d turn over every leaf trying to find out one way or another. If you find out that she is having an affair, I wouldn’t necessarily tell her I knew. I would just leave and not give an explanation.

 

No, don’t tell her to move out of the bedroom. YOU move out of it. That way, you’ve done something, you’ve removed yourself from the scene, you’ve made a stand; and she’s left with a big empty room.

 

And if I hear one more thing about you getting even remotely romantic with her, I’ll give you a cyber snack. Stop acting romantically toward her in every way. Act like a man who’s on his way out the door. And forget about the idiotic anniversary altogether — and the date night, too, for that matter.

[Rotaglia]

I think a big part of your problem is that you're projecting. You aren't happy, so you assume your wife is not either.

I'm not so sure about that. She is not behaving like a happy wife. She has stated she is ambivalent about the marriage.

It's still sticking in my mind how little depth of understanding you have about your contributions to the state of your marriage. You've been asked, but you don't answer.

Yes, I did answer. You apparently failed to read my response. I am not currently aware of what I may have done to harm the marriage but I am open to discussing and discovering. My wife has stated that my past battle with depression changed the relationship for her. I have asked her about ways to heal that pain but have been rebuffed.

Look, let's be honest here. You aren't a perfect husband. No one is, but it sounds like you really do try. You've also been married for over two decades, and from what you say, it's mostly been the past two years that have gone sour.

Looking back, can you find anything, small as it may seem, that seemed to be the seed of all of this? Was there some sort of major upheaval, did she get a promotion at work, did you inadvertently say something?

I think my struggle with depression and hospitalization were definitely a factor even though that was an illness and not my fault, it still did damage to the relationship without question. I feel she would benefit from therapy to help her work through those feelings, but she refuses.

Most importantly, does she feel she can trust you with her deepest emotions? If not, why?

Is that a question for me to answer?

Also ( and please don't freak out at me..I say this gently:p:laugh:) about the sex. Before these past two years, did she seem to enjoy it?I'm asking because if sex is good, most women don't get turned off it, barring some external stressors like depression, birth control or anitidepressants, some psychiatric meds., exhaustion , illness, etc.

I think that after the first ten or fifteen years of marriage she started backing away sexually. First she started declining to perform oral sex on me, which was a big disappointment but I let it pass because I didn't want to hurt her feelings (maybe I should have said something). I continued to perform oral sex for her until she initiated the sex freeze some 18 months ago.

Could she be gay or bisexual and finding the sexual part of your marriage to be a turn off to her?( I know that's probably a real stretch)

I raised that possibility earlier in the thread. There is not much evidence, but maybe she is a lesbian or bisexual and doesn't know it. I would find that easier to accept than her just not being into me personally.

[Rotaglia]

Of course it won’t change things in court...

 

But it would tell you why things are this way!

 

You really really don’t want to find out what’s real - do you? Be honest!

 

Drop the effort to uncover the affair? What? You never even attempted to find evidence! What are you talking about? You haven’t made effort to find out what’s real. Who are you kidding?

 

Do you always make no effort and pass it off as a full attempt at effort?

What is the point of trying to uncover a past or current affair on my wife's part?

[Rotaglia]

What if I put my wedding ring in a box marked "Ambivalence" and told my wife I would put it back on when and if I was satisfied that the relationship was back on track?

 

Is this a good idea? Is it likely to backfire?

[Rotaglia]

I agree with SB2. Finding out if there’s an affair is for your knowledge. Personally, I think she is. And, if I were in your shoes, I’d turn over every leaf trying to find out one way or another. If you find out that she is having an affair, I wouldn’t necessarily tell her I knew. I would just leave and not give an explanation.

Since the outcome is the same, what is the value of trying to unearth a theoretical affair?

 

No, don’t tell her to move out of the bedroom. YOU move out of it. That way, you’ve done something, you’ve removed yourself from the scene, you’ve made a stand; and she’s left with a big empty room.

I can do that. Okay.

 

And if I hear one more thing about you getting even remotely romantic with her, I’ll give you a cyber smack. Stop acting romantically toward her in every way. Act like a man who’s on his way out the door. And forget about the idiotic anniversary altogether — and the date night, too, for that matter.

That's fine. My only worry is that she might see that as a needlessly hurtful/vindictive move. I am not trying to throw a hissy fit or hurt her more than is necessary.

 

Not marking our anniversary at all seems like a drastic step, auguring certain divorce. If I fail to even recognize the anniversary, shouldn't I just file for divorce already? It seems petty somehow.

[Rotaglia]

I am so very tired of my wife's alienating behaviors, her unwillingness to talk to me about our marital problems, and her resistance to seeking real and lasting solutions.

[bathtub-row]

What if I put my wedding ring in a box marked "Ambivalence" and told my wife I would put it back on when and if I was satisfied that the relationship was back on track?

 

Is this a good idea? Is it likely to backfire?

 

Learn the value of actions vs. words. Take the damn ring off, toss it in a drawer and let her ask you about it if she so inclined. Putting in a box marked with anything comes across as sentimental. Tossing it in a drawer without ceremony speaks volumes. Viva la difference.

[Rotaglia]

I tried asking her what she thought a program of marriage repair and restoration would look like for us and she pretty much had nothing to offer in the way of suggestions.

[Rotaglia]

Just take it off. No need to get all dramatic now.

 

She may not even notice. If she does just say “this doesn’t feel like a marriage - so no ring represents what we don’t have”.

That strikes me as possibly passive-aggressive or petty.

[Rotaglia]

Because... she isn’t interested!

How disappointing.

[mark clemson]

What if I put my wedding ring in a box marked "Ambivalence" and told my wife I would put it back on when and if I was satisfied that the relationship was back on track?

 

Is this a good idea? Is it likely to backfire?

 

 

It sounds very conflict avoidant/passive aggressive to me. However, you're attempts to discuss your issues directly haven't been working so...

 

You'd be doing this in an attempt to bring the issue to a head and force discussion, no? So, not sure what backfiring would be? She retreats further from any discussion?

 

If you do this and she starts divorce proceedings, is that backfiring? You then have your resolution, but perhaps not the one you were hoping for.

[bathtub-row]

If you’re wanting to surprise her with a divorce, taking the ring off isn’t your best move. However, if it doesn’t matter that she suspects the direction you’re headed and you take the ring off - assuming she’d notice or care - if she asks you where the ring is, just shrug and walk away. Give her no explanation just as she has given you.

[mark clemson]

This makes no sense at all.

 

Actually, I'm seeing it B-R. When you wrote the below, think that's part of it.

 

I have a feeling that your wife has stopped talking to you about the real problem because you perhaps don’t fully listen to what she says, you counter her arguments, misinterpret things, and/or attempt to wear her down with lengthy conversation. I was married to someone like that once. A simple discussion once turned into 6 hrs. I put a stop to it when we ended up exactly where we started. My ex also describes himself as a great guy but most people can’t stand being around him. I’m not saying that’s you, I’m just saying that just because you see yourself as a great guy, doesn’t mean others share the same opinion.

 

I get the impression OP is a lot like this. Maybe that isn't an issue for sex directly, but if a person's personality starts to drive you crazy then after a while your interest in sex with them might wane. Especially if it is waning already for other reasons, such as menopause.

 

OP, you may take some offense to that, but just calling it how I see it. Not going to sugar coat it with an apology since you'd probably just point out that's what I'm doing. You're very honest in that way at least.

[5x5]

^^^

 

Yep, BR wrote what I have also been saying.

[Rotaglia]

Actually, I'm seeing it B-R. When you wrote the below, think that's part of it.

 

I get the impression OP is a lot like this. Maybe that isn't an issue for sex directly, but if a person's personality starts to drive you crazy then after a while your interest in sex with them might wane. Especially if it is waning already for other reasons, such as menopause.

 

OP, you may take some offense to that, but just calling it how I see it. Not going to sugar coat it with an apology since you'd probably just point out that's what I'm doing. You're very honest in that way at least.

This is all fair commentary; no offense taken.

 

If my wife could identify what is bugging her so much about me, perhaps I could consider if whatever that obstacle is would be something I would be willing to work on for the sake of the marriage. I am open-minded, but I will not be a doormat nor will I alter my values or my essential nature to satisfy an unreasonable complaint.

 

I truly, honestly am open to hearing the truth so I can respond appropriately. Maybe it took me a while to get there but I am genuinely open to changing but it really depends on what sort of change we are talking about.

[Rotaglia]

Are you still in denial?

A little. But most of the denial has faded away and given rise to acceptance.

[Rotaglia]

It sounds very conflict avoidant/passive aggressive to me. However, you're attempts to discuss your issues directly haven't been working so...

 

You'd be doing this in an attempt to bring the issue to a head and force discussion, no? So, not sure what backfiring would be? She retreats further from any discussion?

 

If you do this and she starts divorce proceedings, is that backfiring? You then have your resolution, but perhaps not the one you were hoping for.

Divorce might be the correct thing for my relationship with my wife, but it is not fair to our children. Life under one roof is not intolerable. There is no physical abuse. We are capable of being peacefully domestic. So even though I am dissatisfied with the marital relationship, I still think divorce is a rather drastic solution, albeit a possible one. I would not divorce someone to make a point. I would do it because it's the best thing for me and my children—of the latter part I remain unconvinced.

[5x5]

I think it is unlikely you will choose to divorce your wife, since that would require decisive action on your part.

[elaine567]

Life under one roof is not intolerable. There is no physical abuse. We are capable of being peacefully domestic. So even though I am dissatisfied with the marital relationship, I still think divorce is a rather drastic solution, albeit a possible one. I would not divorce someone to make a point. I would do it because it's the best thing for me and my children—of the latter part I remain unconvinced.

.

I think your wife is in a similar state of mind, only she seems happy with the state of play so does not wish to change anything.

I tried asking her what she thought a program of marriage repair and restoration would look like for us and she pretty much had nothing to offer in the way of suggestions.

She has no suggestions as to how to improve anything, as either she already knows nothing will change from previous experience, or she does not want to upset the apple cart, or she genuinely thinks things are OK the way they are.

[Rotaglia]

.

I think your wife is in a similar state of mind, only she seems happy with the state of play so does not wish to change anything.

 

She has no suggestions as to how to improve anything, as either she already knows nothing will change from previous experience, or she does not want to upset the apple cart, or she genuinely thinks things are OK the way they are.

In that case, it's time to upset the damn applecart then. I move out of the bedroom. Wedding ring is in the drawer. If she doesn't meet to discuss relationship rebuilding in the next week or two, I file for divorce.

 

Except the kids. That's my hesitation.