Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

This makes me wonder about the depth of your understanding of your wife and her perspective. I understand that part of that is because she won't open up to you, but some hurts aren't a big mystery. They're pretty obvious.

You may be right. But since my wife refuses marriage counseling and when we do talk about our relationship one-on-one, she doesn't really open up much about her feelings, which makes addressing her concerns more difficult (not impossible, just more difficult). Her crying, stonewalling, and triggered anger make a mature, loving, thoughtful two-way conversation very challenging.

[bathtub-row]

I’m just going to chime in here once again about my analysis of this situation. I think your wife is turned off by you for some reason and, given her status in her career, I’d say it’s directly tied to that. I can tell that you’re an intelligent and insightful guy but I don’t think you have the business mind and drive that other men around her have. It’s likely that she admires your creative personality but it’s also likely that she has changed over the years and feels a stronger connection to other types of men. I also still think it’s likely that she’s having an affair.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Rotaglia]

You compel a woman to sleep with you by insinuating that if she doesn't some other woman will: that her man has other options and is competent and man enough to replace her if she is not interested...she needs to know that she is wanted but not needed, and u can be fine with or without her...

 

Never stay a day longer with a woman who no longer wants you -- a woman you had to negotiate for her not to leave you. If u do, like u already did, she will feel even less attracted to you.

I see an inherent contradiction in this sort of advice. Suppose the most important thing in life right now is not ensuring that my wife is attractive to me? This ain't exactly the courtship phase of our relationship.

[Rotaglia]

I’m just going to chime in here once again about my analysis of this situation. I think your wife is turned off by you for some reason and, given her status in her career, I’d say it’s directly tied to that. I can tell that you’re an intelligent and insightful guy but I don’t think you have the business mind and drive that other men around her have. It’s likely that she admires your creative personality but it’s also likely that she has changed over the years and feels a stronger connection to other types of men. I also still think it’s likely that she’s having an affair.

 

Just my thoughts.

I agree that's possible, but would it not be a mistake for me to respond to that situation by trying to mold myself into some sort of shape that may please my wife superficially but doesn't truly improve our marriage nor would it be true to myself.

 

I see a real contradiction in some of the advice I am reading here: One the one hand, folks are saying I'm unattractive to my wife so I need to change so I can be more attractive to her (by projecting manliness, strength, self-reliance which are good for their sake and not just for their impact on my marriage); at the same time, other or the same folks are saying that I have to stopping wooing/persuading/accommodating my wife's needs because this marriage is over and I need to get over it and get on with my life for its own sake.

 

Maybe those two approaches can work in concert with each other, but they are each based on opposite premises.

[Rotaglia]

One thing LoveShack and you folks on this thread have helped me to realize is that I do indeed have walkway power in this relationship. I can and will stand on my own if necessary. My wife has behaved abominably and filing for divorce is absolutely justified; however, if I choose to mend things with her that is possible, but not at the cost of my self-respect. Nobody gets to treat me like dirt, especially not an intimate partner of 23 years.

 

We can rebuild this relationship but it is going to require changes in both of us. Beneath it all, I truly love my wife and I want to forgive her but cheap forgiveness is poison. I also have no idea how each of our sexual needs are going to be met going forward. Engaging in sex with my wife at this tender point in our relationship is almost certainly a really bad idea.

 

An imaginary dialogue:

WIFE: Let's make love.

ME: Are you kidding? Absolutely not. After what you put me through? The shaming of my sexuality? The unilateral cessation of our intimate life without even a word? Are you out of your mind?

WIFE: ...

ME: Okay. Fine! Let me go brush my teeth first.

[bathtub-row]

I didn’t say a single word about changing. You can’t change, nor should you. What I was actually saying was that your wife likely feels a better connection to men who are driven and business-minded. She’s probably surrounded by highly successful men and you cannot compete with that. So, if that’s actually the issue, you’re basically screwed (and not in a good way).

 

I have a feeling that your wife has stopped talking to you about the real problem because you perhaps don’t fully listen to what she says, you counter her arguments, misinterpret things, and/or attempt to wear her down with lengthy conversation. I was married to someone like that once. A simple discussion once turned into 6 hrs. I put a stop to it when we ended up exactly where we started. My ex also describes himself as a great guy but most people can’t stand being around him. I’m not saying that’s you, I’m just saying that just because you see yourself as a great guy, doesn’t mean others share the same opinion.

[Rotaglia]

I have a feeling that your wife has stopped talking to you about the real problem because you perhaps don’t fully listen to what she says, you counter her arguments, misinterpret things, and/or attempt to wear her down with lengthy conversation.

Suppose that's correct. If I become a better, more caring, and more insightful listener (although honestly I thought I already was), is that likely to improve our relationship?

[Rotaglia]

I can say with confidence that getting my wife to share what's really on her mind is quite difficult, even with adequate preparation. We've made appointments for discussions but those chats didn't really get to heart of the matter.

[Rotaglia]

I didn’t say a single word about changing. You can’t change, nor should you

That particular remark of mine was aimed at posters other than you.

[elaine567]

I can say with confidence that getting my wife to share what's really on her mind is quite difficult, even with adequate preparation. We've made appointments for discussions but those chats didn't really get to heart of the matter.

 

Maybe they did for her.

Were you listening carefully or were you so focused on the sex, or lack thereof that you missed what she was trying to say.

[Rotaglia]

Were you listening carefully or were you so focused on the sex, or lack thereof that you missed what she was trying to say.

I'm sorry—what were you saying again?

[pepperbird]

You compel a woman to sleep with you by insinuating that if she doesn't some other woman will:

Sir, from w hat well do you draw this vast knowledge of the female psyche?

 

( and it's "sex" not "seks")

[pepperbird]

fwiw, I don't think you should try to change who you are at a fundamental level.

 

 

I'm not talking about bad habits, but who you are at you core. I don;t think a person can change that, and if they try, they will end up very unhappy.

 

 

Have you ever sat her down and laid out, point blank with no "fluff' your feelings and thoughts, and then given her the chance to do the same?

 

 

This was another thing our counselor helped us with. It takes a lot for me to open up ( and I cant always do it verbally) , so I need space to do it. My husband would listen to the first few words I said , then he's stop listening because he was planning his response. He would respond and then find a way to steer the conversation away form what was bothering me to what he wanted to talk about. After a while, I stopped trying.

 

 

 

The counselor taught us reflective listening, and it works well for us.

 

 

 

One more point, and then I'll leave you alone. Is it possible your wife is asexual? My oldest identifies as such. Some of it's because she's autistic and she also has issues with sensory processing. If your wife is asexual, by her age, it may well be that won't change. It just is who she is. The only one who can tell if she is would be her, and it doesn't sound like she's talking.

[Rotaglia]

fwiw, I don't think you should try to change who you are at a fundamental level. I'm not talking about bad habits, but who you are at you core. I don't think a person can change that, and if they try, they will end up very unhappy.

That goes for both me and my wife.

Have you ever sat her down and laid out, point blank with no "fluff' your feelings and thoughts, and then given her the chance to do the same?

We have tried, but it has not been terribly fruitful.

One more point, and then I'll leave you alone. Is it possible your wife is asexual? My oldest identifies as such. Some of it's because she's autistic and she also has issues with sensory processing. If your wife is asexual, by her age, it may well be that won't change. It just is who she is. The only one who can tell if she is would be her, and it doesn't sound like she's talking.

Yes, it is possible.

 

I don't need you to “leave me alone” if you have more to say.

 

If my wife is asexual, the path forward as couple would be difficult without her being very compassionate towards me and she figures out some way to address my sexual needs with no guarantee the marriage would survive.

[Rotaglia]

ISSUE 1

Proposed:

My wife needs a chance to air her feelings and grievances.

 

Problem:

She has declined multiple opportunities to do

so

and has shut down. She has threatened me with separation if “can’t handle” the fact that she cannot give me “more” in the relationship. She checked out of the relationship two years ago, brought sex death into the relationship with not a word to me. For me, that is a relationship death-knell, a never event, a cause for divorce right there.

 

Therefore:

She may no longer be entitled to an airing of grievances as she would have been earlier because of her subsequent behavior.

ISSUE 2

Proposed:

I need to ask more manly, sexly, confident, and change my lifestyle in order to make myself more desirable to her.

 

Problem:

Pleasing her is not of paramount importance right now.

 

Therefore:

If I undertake changes they are for me and me alone. If she digs that and wants to approach me for relationship repair, I may or may not oblige her.

Edited March 29, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Blanco]

Has she always been emotionally unavailable like that or is it more of a recent thing?

[Rotaglia]

Has she always been emotionally unavailable like that or is it more of a recent thing?

That's an interesting question. I think she has always been a little aloof, less effusive, and more reserved than I am, but that is not a bad thing, in the past it was more of a vive la différence. I have respected that contrast in emotional style.

 

However, lately she's been pretty emotionally unavailable to me and that is really hard to take.

[Rotaglia]

One very real frustration I feel is that my wife has no acknowledged unfulfilled emotional needs (i.e., other than those I am already meeting) that I can begin to address in order for the relationship to begin thriving again.

[Rotaglia]

Maybe I should ask my wife to move out of the master bedroom until she is ready to do serious work repairing the relationship. I feel a need to do something emphatic (but not threatening and easily reversible) to shake up the situation.

[Blanco]

That's an interesting question. I think she has always been a little aloof, less effusive, and more reserved than I am, but that is not a bad thing, in the past it was more of a vive la différence. I have respected that contrast in emotional style.

 

However, lately she's been pretty emotionally unavailable to me and that is really hard to take.

 

Interesting.

 

I think this is something we haven't focused on enough. While I see both sides of the story, I know personally what it's like to be with someone who is reserved emotionally and how much more difficult it is to work through conflict with someone like that.

 

I won't interject my own experience with that here, but I will say that I think that's part of what makes this a possibly insurmountable challenge to overcome.

[Rotaglia]

Interesting.

 

I think this is something we haven't focused on enough. While I see both sides of the story, I know personally what it's like to be with someone who is reserved emotionally and how much more difficult it is to work through conflict with someone like that.

 

I won't interject my own experience with that here, but I will say that I think that's part of what makes this a possibly insurmountable challenge to overcome.

I would dearly love to hear my wife's account of what went wrong in our marriage so that we can shed light on possible solutions. Maybe she has already done so to some degree and I missed it. My heart and mind are open but she has to walk through the door.

[Rotaglia]

No time \ ever seems right

To talk about the reasons \ why you and I fight

—Head Games (Foreigner)

[Rotaglia]

I have a first cousin in his sixties whose wife (also in her sixties) recently retired from her job as a lawyer and decided she wanted a divorce because she felt that he lacked ambition (he drives a school bus but has held a wide variety of jobs throughout his life).

 

So maybe she (like my wife) is undergoing a midlife reassessment and has decided I'm dead weight and she would like to be rid of me but guilt prevents her from pulling the trigger.

[pepperbird]

One very real frustration I feel is that my wife has no acknowledged unfulfilled emotional needs (i.e., other than those I am already meeting) that I can begin to address in order for the relationship to begin thriving again.

 

 

Sir,

if you really believe this, then I suggest to you that you really need to do some thinking.

 

 

EVERYONE has unmet emotional needs. When you talk to her about how she's feeling, what does the conversation usually go like? Do you give her time to process her thoughts, prepare her response and verbalize it?

 

It sounds to me like you have very different communication styles.

[Rotaglia]

Sir,

If you really believe this, then I suggest to you that you really need to do some thinking.

I don't know it's true for sure. As usual, I am left speculating.

 

EVERYONE has unmet emotional needs. When you talk to her about how she's feeling, what does the conversation usually go like? Do you give her time to process her thoughts, prepare her response and verbalize it?

I believe so but I am sure there is room for improvement on my part. I am willing to make adjustments so she feels more comfortable sharing.

 

It sounds to me like you have very different communication styles.

Unquestionably true but that is a feature of many successful marriages.