Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

I think your wife is reluctant to divorce you because you look after her mother and are doing a great job... if you left, who would look after your MIL? That's a big problem. She would have to go in a home, probably...

Thanks. Actually, one of the things I did was get her moved into an assisted living facility, but I also managed to end her career as a licensed driver, gather her stuff, keep track of her house and bills, etc. Yes, I suppose my usefulness makes me harder to get rid of. Lucky me, eh?

 

My relationship with my mother-in-law is precious to me. She is a delightful person and I love her very much.

Edited March 29, 2019 by Rotaglia

[giotto]

My relationship with my mother-in-law is precious to me. She is a delightful person and I love her very much.

 

 

I'm sure you could still have the same relationship even of you separated? Would you do that?

[Rotaglia]

I'm sure you could still have the same relationship even of you separated? Would you do that?

Without hesitation—although finding the time and money to travel to her would be harder. No fair making me cry!

[giotto]

Without hesitation—although finding the time and money to travel to her would be harder. No fair making me cry!

 

sorry... cheer up!

[Rotaglia]

sorry... cheer up!

I am not without cheer. It's simply a very poignant moment for me. Although I obviously met my mother-in-law through my wife, my relationship with the former has its own life independent of my relationship with the latter.

[5x5]

If one wants to have a better relationship with their wife, they will invest their time in nurturing that with their wife.

 

If one wants to have a better relationship with their mother-in-law, they will invest their time nurturing that with their mother-in-law.

 

The former comes at the expense, of the relationship with the mother-in-law. While the latter comes at the expense, of the relationship with the wife.

 

Your mileage hasn't varied, you get what you put in.

 

Do you realise that your actions as described by you in various posts, read like a textbook on how to encourage a wife to fall out of love with her husband?

[pepperbird]

The door is still open a crack ... and my wife could still pry it open, but I am not holding my breath. The bottom line is I wouldn't trust her or her promises of change, not after what she put me through. She would have to convince me that she's undergone a fundamental change in approach and the likelihood of that is about zilch.

 

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I know you don't like to hear it, but no marriage troubles are almost never all one sided. If you want to save your marriage ( and create one where you are both happy) it can't just be all about her and where you think she needs to change. You are going to have to accept that you've done things to harm the marriage too, not intentionally, just through day to to day living. I

 

 

Think of your situation as triage. Right now, your marriage is on life support. The major concerns you have need to be addressed right now, but for the long term health of your marriage, you are going to have to eat some crow.

 

This is my question...what have you done to contribute to the marriage reaching this point? I'm not blaming you for it, just asking. Your posts are always about what a great guy you are and how awful she is, but that's simply not realistic. I've been married nearly as long as you, and from time to time, we have both done some very hurtful things to one another, usually without meaning to. Our marriage is happy, he really does treat me well, but there are still things he does that are hurtful.

 

He had an affair more than 10 years ago, and one of the points made in marriage counseling afterwards was that, once we had both decided the marriage is what we wanted, we both had to accept responsibility for allowing our marriage to flounder. My husband had a lot to answer for, but so did I, and if I had approached him with the attitude that " I'm a great wife, you suck as a husband so what are you going to do to change", we would have divorced.

 

 

 

If you want your marriage to recover and thrive, you are going to have to accept some of the responsibility for its current state. If you can't do that ( or you really and honestly believe she's the only one at fault, which is possible) I don't think there's really anything for you to save. I don't like saying that, but it's true.

[Rotaglia]

Do you realise that your actions as described by you in various posts, read like a textbook on how to encourage a wife to fall out of love with her husband?

I'm intrigued. Either that means I haven't done a very good job of describing my own history or I have unwittingly done things I thought were promoting my bond with my wife but in fact were driving her away. If the latter is the case, then I would have to make some significant changes.

 

OTOH, maybe the mistake one might make is to believe that "making one's spouse love you" should not be the chief objective, but rather living the best life you can live is what's important and if you are loved for it, great—if not, then there's the door.

[Rotaglia]

I know you don't like to hear it, but no marriage troubles are almost never all one sided.

Okay, I accept that proposition.

If you want to save your marriage (and create one where you are both happy) it can't just be all about her and where you think she needs to change. You are going to have to accept that you've done things to harm the marriage too, not intentionally, just through day to to day living.

Okay, go ahead. I'm listening.

Think of your situation as triage. Right now, your marriage is on life support. The major concerns you have need to be addressed right now, but for the long term health of your marriage, you are going to have to eat some crow.

Okay, I'm putting on my crow-eatin' bib.

This is my question...what have you done to contribute to the marriage reaching this point? I'm not blaming you for it, just asking. Your posts are always about what a great guy you are and how awful she is, but that's simply not realistic. I've been married nearly as long as you, and from time to time, we have both done some very hurtful things to one another, usually without meaning to. Our marriage is happy, he really does treat me well, but there are still things he does that are hurtful.

Assuming I did indeed do things to hurt my wife or undermine our relationship (perhaps without realizing it), I would need some help identifying those negative behaviors of mine prior to addressing them.

He had an affair more than 10 years ago, and one of the points made in marriage counseling afterwards was that, once we had both decided the marriage is what we wanted, we both had to accept responsibility for allowing our marriage to flounder. My husband had a lot to answer for, but so did I, and if I had approached him with the attitude that "I'm a great wife, you suck as a husband so what are you going to do to change", we would have divorced.

Isn't it possible for one party to be more at fault than the other? Why must it always be 50/50?

If you want your marriage to recover and thrive, you are going to have to accept some of the responsibility for its current state. If you can't do that (or you really and honestly believe she's the only one at fault, which is possible) I don't think there's really anything for you to save. I don't like saying that, but it's true.

You don't think it's case-by-case?

 

Anyway, I am open to examining the ways (conscious and unconscious) that I may have contributed to the deterioration of our marriage.

[Rotaglia]

So what I am gathering from some of the recent posts is that my next significant relationship discussion with my wife cannot focus exclusively on what a jerk she is but rather on how we have both been jerks (to whatever degree) and how we can find ways to be less jerkerrific toward each other going forward.

 

Also, I totally get that I have the more effusive personality of the two of us. I'm not trying to turn her into me. She is not especially warm and fuzzy all the time and that is okay.

 

This is a conflict over behavior, not personality.

[5x5]

Divorcing your wife would be a good thing.

[Rotaglia]

I have always thought of my work and play with my mother-in-law as a team effort between me and my wife. She works extremely hard to earn a livelihood for our family that enables me to travel and help her mother—my wife prefers working to spending long periods of time with Mom, and it's more efficient. My mother-in-law have a close relationship and I have a knack for keeping her content and getting her to her appointments, fixing things around her apartment, addressing her issues with dementia, etc.

 

Is it possible that my good relationship with my mother-in-law has perversely had a negative impact on my relationship with my wife? Does she resent my closeness with her mother that has eluded my wife, especially since the diagnosis?

 

This is a fascinating question and one I had not previously considered.

[Rotaglia]

Divorcing your wife would be a good thing.

I can hardly accuse you of failing to get to the point. Why do you feel that way?

[5x5]

When you divorce your wife, you will be free to pursue sexual relations with your mother-in-law.

[5x5]

Over time your wife will be free of the burden, of having to support you interminably into the future.

[elaine567]

That is why you need to do an accurate cost benefit analysis of your entire life before you steam gung-ho into a divorce.

Too many get hung up on bitterness, resentment and "getting even", and it can cloud all rational judgement.

Once all the drama is over, they can be left with regret.

They didn't realise what they had, until it was all gone...

 

Seems to me you have a nice, cosy and cushy life here, no-one is really "abusing" you, you come and go as you please and there is a lot of "fun" in your life. Your wife is no harridan, you get along well, it is only sex that seems to be the biggest bone of contention.

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How much "fun" do you think there is in a dead end job? How good will the real world be to a 49yo guy who has hardly worked a day in his life?

Be careful what you wish for.

It is a jungle out there...

[giotto]

 

This is a fascinating question and one I had not previously considered.

 

I did mention it earlier on...

[Rotaglia]

Seems to me you have a nice, cosy and cushy life here, no-one is really "abusing" you, you come and go as you please and there is a lot of "fun" in your life. Your wife is no harridan, you get along well, it is only sex that seems to be the biggest bone of contention.

It is not the lack of sex per se that is a bone of contention, but how my wife treats me in light of our sexual difficulties and how she has damaged the sexual bond that undergirds our marriage. OTOH, I am only 49 and I would like to have sex a few more times before I die. That is not too much to ask.

How good will the real world be to a 49yo guy who has hardly worked a day in his life?

You are mistaken. I worked full time before our son was born, for your information. I continue to work just not for a salary. And your apparently judgmental tone concerning lifestyle choices my wife and I made together is not particularly welcome and frankly reeks of sexism.

[Wallysbears]

I’d love to hear your wife’s side of this lifestyle choice that you repeatedly insist is a joint decision.

[elaine567]

You are mistaken. I worked full time before our son was born, for your information. I continue to work just not for a salary. And your apparently judgmental tone concerning lifestyle choices my wife and I made together is not particularly welcome and frankly reeks of sexism.

 

How old is your son?

What work do you do?

Can you turn that into paid work?

How can you support yourself?

It is not particularly "sexist" to point out that a divorced SAH person of either gender is going to have it tough re-entering the world of work at 49..

that is reality.

I have given SAHMs the same advice, do not assume the world is just waiting for YOU to show up...

With no breadwinner paying the bills, they tend to mount up...

[Rotaglia]

How old is your son?

My kids are 20 and 12.

What work do you do? Can you turn that into paid work?

How can you support yourself?

Absolutely without question. I have an advanced degree and plenty of useful work skills.

It is not particularly "sexist" to point out that a divorced SAH person of either gender is going to have it tough re-entering the world of work at 49..

that is reality.

Sure, but that is not what you said.

[Rotaglia]

I’d love to hear your wife’s side of this lifestyle choice that you repeatedly insist is a joint decision.

Let's put it this way: Even if my wife has said many times that she supports my decisions concerning lifestyle and work in the past, that does not mean she cannot change her position or feelings. Perhaps that can be part of our rebuilding discussions.

[pepperbird]

Here is an example op of how a couple can unintentionally drive each other away.

 

 

I was a stay at home mom for a lot of years, and it was tough. All three of our kids have disabilities of one for or another, and my days were spent doing all the housework, all the childcare, all the budgeting, cooking, marketing. yard work, speech therapy, physical therapy, homework, medical appointments, therapy appointments, dental, etc., etc., etc.

 

 

When my husband got home, I was dead tired and just wanted a bit of peace, but I still had to keep on going.

 

 

 

My husband's days were also long. he'd be up at 5:30 am, work hard all day, come home dead tired. A lot of the time, he was far away, and sometimes we'd go months without seeing each other. When he'd get home, he'd want to rest and spend time with the kids, while I wanted a break. I'd get mad because I didn't understand how tough his days were, he'd be mad because he didn't understand how tough mine were.

 

From my point of view, I was a good wife, doing all the work, expecting little form him. From his point of view, he was a good husband who worked his @ss off to support his family. I was blaming him for our troubles and he was blaming me.

Neither one of us are awful people, but we were both so stuck in the "it's all your fault" mind set ( among other things) that it affected our marriage.

 

Op, you do sound like a nice guy, but I do find it troubling that you can't think of easily think of ways you've hurt your wife without meaning to. This makes me wonder about the depth of your understanding of your wife and her perspective. I understand that part of that is because she won't open up to you, but some hurts aren't a big mystery. They're pretty obvious.

[The Revealer]

A woman will lose attraction to a man who needs her more than she needs him, when a woman indicates any form of disinterest in the relationship, seks, etc...make it very clear with your behavior, that u don't need her seks and if she threatens to live, offer to help her pack her bags etc (u get the idea..)

 

Weakness in any form to a woman is not attractive, strength is..confidence, athletic body, witty, funny, etc Your vulnerability and fears will make her feel less attracted to you..

 

You compel a woman to sleep with you by insinuating that if she doesn't some other woman will: that her man has other options and is competent and man enough to replace her if she is not interested...she needs to know that she is wanted but not needed, and u can be fine with or without her...

 

Never stay a day longer with a woman who no longer wants you -- a woman you had to negotiate for her not to leave you. If u do, like u already did, she will feel even less attracted to you.

[bathtub-row]

Do you realise that your actions as described by you in various posts, read like a textbook on how to encourage a wife to fall out of love with her husband?

 

This makes no sense at all.