Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[BettyDraper]

Yes, I am profoundly frustrated because:

1. My wife still refuses to have sex with me;
   
2. She is not willing to identify how she feels, what she wants, or what issues we can work on;
   
3. We are living under a cloud of her ambivalencw;
   
4. We have an anniversary coming up and I am not sure I can bear to celebrate it. What is there to celebrate;
   
5. She expects me to be her rock, not to express my dismay over the state of our marriage;
   
6. She is risking our child's future by acting cruelly and indifferently toward her father;
   
7. I strongly suspect she wants a divorce but won't own that desire so she is just waiting for the right time to dump me;
   
8. She is paralyzed to inaction by guilt;
   
9. She's too stressed out to work on the marriage despite my doing my best to give her relief;
   
10. She made me feel unloved, undesired, and diminished as a man;
    
11. She checked out of this marriage two years afo;
    
12. She wants all the privileges of married life in the meantimea so I can be her roommate and co-parent.
    
13. She has treated me like dirt.
    
14. Divorce will greatly harm the family she claims to cherish.
    

 

In light of these realities, what is stopping you from taking control of the situation by walking away?

I understand why you would like to fight for your marriage but your wife doesn't want to join you in rebuilding your relationship.

It's like using a seesaw. You need the other person to sit on their side and cooperate in order for the equipment to work.

You can't use a seesaw alone.

Edited March 28, 2019 by BettyDraper

[Rotaglia]

In light of these realities, what is stopping you from taking control of the situation by walking away? I understand why you would like to fight for your marriage but your wife doesn't want to join you in rebuilding your relationship.

Sadly, you are right. This marriage ended for her a long time ago. I simply have to recognize it and move on. I am sad for our kids that their mother thinks she would prefer to be alone.

[bathtub-row]

Who suggested this special night out that the two of you are supposed to have soon? If it was her, don’t be surprised if she’s creating an opportunity to drop the bomb on you.

[Rotaglia]

She will be shocked when the judge orders her to leave our house because I am primary caregiver to our child, she refuses sex for more than a year, and will not undertake marriage counseling. It will be costly and painful.

[Rotaglia]

Who suggested this special night out that the two of you are supposed to have soon? If it was her, don’t be surprised if she’s creating an opportunity to drop the bomb on you.

It was my idea. We are calling it a “date”—but it's on hold because she is in a distant state with her 103-year-old grandmother who may be near death (again).

[bathtub-row]

She will be shocked when the judge orders her to leave our house because I am primary caregiver to our child, she refuses sex for more than a year, and will not undertake marriage counseling. It will be costly and painful.

 

I’ve never seen a judge order that kind of thing unless physical abuse is in the picture. I’m guessing that your wife’s name is on the mortgage same as yours. That makes her a legal owner. The courts usually leave it up to the couple to figure out living arrangements.

[bathtub-row]

It was my idea. We are calling it a “date”—but it's on hold because she is in a distant state with her 103-year-old grandmother who may be near death (again).

 

I’d advise you to stop coming up with these “ideas”.

[BaileyB]

She will be shocked when the judge orders her to leave our house because I am primary caregiver to our child, she refuses sex for more than a year, and will not undertake marriage counseling. It will be costly and painful.

 

I would be careful to consult a lawyer before making statements like this, because they are not based in fact.

 

YOU will be shocked when you meet with the judge when he asks you why you are not willing to get off your duff and get a job - as he did when my partner divorced his wife who is currently driving herself into bankruptcy now that her spousal support has ended and she still refuses to get a job. He’s going to want to know why you have not taken more responsibility for the financial welfare of your family, and what you plan to do to support yourself and your child in the future. Again, decisions made regarding division of labour in the past are all well and good, but the times - they are a changing... The law doesn’t look favourably on able bodied people who are capable of working, and chose not too...

 

If you think it won’t be costly and painful for you too, you are mistaken. Divorce will be costly for her, but she may just find the freedom she gains to be worth the cost.

Edited March 28, 2019 by BaileyB

[bathtub-row]

I don’t know about the courts looking down on people who stay at home and take care of children, family, and household things. However, I often tell women that when they make that choice, they’re taking a risk. And I’ll say it here. It’s risk because you’re putting yourself at the other person’s mercy. If things fall apart, you’re stuck holding the bag. Personally, I’ve never been married to anyone I trusted to that degree.

[Rotaglia]

I’ve never seen a judge order that kind of thing unless physical abuse is in the picture. I’m guessing that your wife’s name is on the mortgage same as yours. That makes her a legal owner. The courts usually leave it up to the couple to figure out living arrangements.

My state has a few unusual quirks in the family law statutes that my wife will find most inconvenient.

[Rotaglia]

I would be careful to consult a lawyer before making statements like this, because they are not based in fact.

I have consulted an attorney, as noted above.

[5x5]

She will be shocked when the judge orders her to leave our house because I am primary caregiver to our child, she refuses sex for more than a year, and will not undertake marriage counseling. It will be costly and painful.

 

Some things are worth the price.

 

I expect Your wife will will feel great relief following divorce.

[Rotaglia]

I absolutely plan to get a job regardless of whether my wife and I split or we reconcile. That has to be the #1 priority. I only expect alimony to be a temporary life-raft. Even if I am granted indefinite alimony (unlikely), I don't plan to live solely on that in the event of divorce.

[Rotaglia]

I expect Your wife will will feel great relief following divorce.

Perhaps. If so, good for her. I would not want to stand in the way of her happiness.

[bathtub-row]

Ever since your visit with the therapist today, you seem more focused on divorce.

[Rotaglia]

Ever since your visit with the therapist today, you seem more focused on divorce.

That is true. It occured to me as I recounted the events of the past two years—what self-respecting man would put up with this shabby treatment from his spouse? The best I am likely to get is ongoing relationship-limbo, no sex, no real intimacy, just cohabitation without satisfaction. I'm only 49. I don't have to put up with this.

 

My only hesitation is the impact it will have on the kids. This is not at all fair to them.

[Rotaglia]

The door is still open a crack ... and my wife could still pry it open, but I am not holding my breath. The bottom line is I wouldn't trust her or her promises of change, not after what she put me through. She would have to convince me that she's undergone a fundamental change in approach and the likelihood of that is about zilch.

 

She doesn't have to resume having sex right away or even at all or ever—she simply has to recognize it as an issue and take concrete steps toward addressing it compassionately. She probably has sexual needs, too, but is either getting them met somewhere else or she's in massive denial. That would have to change also.

 

Most likely that's a bridge too far.

[Rotaglia]

But see - she DOESN’T!

 

That’s what keeps you stuck... you don’t admit to yourself that it’s been no effort from her for a VERY long time.

 

The fact that she is fine with making no effort to consider your needs and feelings shows loads of evidence that the marriage has already been over for almost two years!

Unfortunately you are correct. It's tough to accept even though it is the truth.

[Rotaglia]

And now she is gone for the scheduled date.

 

Let’s see if SHE sets up the date again when she returns.

And what, according to you, would be the point of that? You are always saying how hopeless it is.

[elaine567]

The fact that she is fine with making no effort to consider your needs and feelings shows loads of evidence that the marriage has already been over for almost two years!

 

Does lack of sex signify the marriage is over?

[Rotaglia]

Does lack of sex signify the marriage is over?

Not in and of itself, but it is a major red flag that there are problems afoot. I believe that sex is a feature of most (but not all) well-functioning marriages. Every person in a marriage has a right to decline sex at any time—it is always 100% voluntary; however, it certainly is nice when a married couple can have sex with each other. I wouldn't say it is obligatory, but I would say that most people in marriages should be concerned for their partner's sexual health and emotional well-being. If sex is not possible for whatever reason, I think a loving discussion with one's spouse is pretty much mandatory.

 

If my wife had said something kind to me (e.g., “Honey, I know you would like to make love right now and I’m just not feeling it. I’m sorry I can’t meet you there. In fact, I’m having difficulty with sex in general these days. I know that is upsetting, but could we please talk about it? I think you're really handsome and sexy and I don’t want you to feel rejected.”) I like to believe it would have made a difference. But it never occurred to her.

 

My wife might be surprised when, after menopause, her sex drive might return but chances are it will be too late for me to benefit.

[Rotaglia]

Let’s see if a date with you is her priority. If it is she will set up a new day to go out.

Again, what would be the point of that, since according to you the relationship/marriage is beyond hopeless?

[Rotaglia]

She gets a pass for missing the date, since she is in a distant state with her grandmother who is most likely dying. I am not hurt by that. She's being a really good granddaughter and she deserves credit for handling a very emotionally laborious and difficult situation.

 

I am much less concerned with my wife missing a date with me than I am with how she has treated me and plans to treat me in the future. This marriage is hanging on by a mere thread. The opportunity to repair it is slipping away.

[Rotaglia]

What did the counselor suggest today?

LOL, it was an introductory session and I frankly talked her ear off with my account of the last couple of years with my wife. When I finally looked up and took a breath she said, “Well, we have to stop for today.” I glanced at my watch and said aloud, “Aw, crap. I was just getting started!” She seems very nice, empathetic, etc. but I guess in our next session I may have to shut up occasionally so she can say something. I hate that.

 

Shutting up was never my strong suit.

 

There are many potential benefits to individual therapy for me, among them the fact that I can process my feelings in other ways than going through my wife. There are surely *some* feelings I should process through and with my wife, but surely not all of them.

Edited March 29, 2019 by Rotaglia

[giotto]

I think your wife is reluctant to divorce you because you look after her mother and are doing a great job... if you left, who would look after your MIL? That's a big problem. She would have to go in a home, probably...