Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

March 25, 2019

Let’s just say she’s being truthful and that sex just completely turns her off. However, she may fear that this will cause her marriage to end so she tells him that because she’s afraid of holding him back. Who knows? A person can work on a marriage without the spouse being involved. Their actions will have an impact on the spouse whether they’re aware of it or not. Maybe it won’t make any difference, maybe his wife is a big, fat liar, maybe it’ll turn her head that her husband is that devoted to her. You never know. No one should ever walk away from a marriage until they’re ready to or they no longer have any choice in the matter.

I disagree that one spouse can work on a marriage independently.

Marriage is a team effort which will not be successful unless both partners are willing to work at their relationship.

I don't know how much more devotion the OP can show his wife.

To be honest, it seems like he may need to dial back his somewhat slavish attitude toward his marriage.

March 26, 2019

The sex thing is probably solvable if my wife had the will to do so. She could make things tolerable for me in numerous possible ways. We could figure out how to have a sex life that works for both of us but she might have to consider individual' date=' marriage, or sex therapy. She might have to read a few books. [/quote']

Have you asked your wife to seek any type of therapy? If so, what was her response?

Edited March 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 26, 2019

I think maybe where I erred is that I got too head-over-heels in love and she feels bad that she can't match my intensity. Now she probably feels like whatever she can offer me is inadequate or not worthy of me or some such nonsense.

I think you give her too much credit.

It’s very clear that you have very different priorities, in your lives and for your marriage. You are on two very different pages, running two very different game plans... I think you totally underestimate the factors at play here, specifically the effect of menopause on her sex drive and the fact that she carries the load as the primary breadwinner for your family. I’m not sure that she really cares about maintaining the intimacy in your relationship as much as you think she does... If that is the case, any suggestion you make is going to fall flat.

March 26, 2019

I disagree that one spouse can work on a marriage independently.
Marriage is a team effort which will not be successful unless both partners are willing to work at their relationship.

In The Divorce Remedy, Michele Weiner Davis suggests working on yourself first to save the marriage before engaging your spouse in that effort. Her approach is not without controversy, but perhaps it has merit.

I don't know how much more devotion the OP can show his wife.
To be honest, it seems like he may need to dial back his somewhat slavish attitude toward his marriage.

I am trying to do exactly that.

Have you asked your wife to seek any type of therapy? If so, what was her response?

Yes, I asked her if she would be willing to see a marriage counselor and she said no because “that leads to divorce.” It’s a popular, cynical view that is not supported by statistics.

I think you give her too much credit.

It’s very clear that you have very different priorities, in your lives and for your marriage. You are on two very different pages, running two very different game plans... I think you totally underestimate the factors at play here, specifically the effect of menopause on her sex drive and the fact that she carries the load as the primary breadwinner for your family. I’m not sure that she really cares about maintaining the intimacy in your relationship as much as you think she does... If that is the case, any suggestion you make is going to fall flat.

I do not underestimate the impact menopause is having on my wife's sex drive. Clearly it's a considerable impact. But if she is not willing to talk about it in detail with me, perhaps seek treatment for her symptoms, develop strategies to maintain the sexual bond even when she doesn't want to have sexual intercourse, etc. I don't see what can be done to mitigate the negative effects of menopause on our relationship.

All I managed to get her to agree to when we both read an article about women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s opting to divorce when menopause was happening to them was that she would abandon talk of divorce. Not exactly a sweeping concession.

March 26, 2019

Infidelity seems to be the most obvious reason, but given the circumstances, I'm willing to believe that she's merely just mentally checked out and there's not necessarily another man.

If your youngest is 12, then the idea of you being a SAHD is a concept that was discussed more than a decade ago. It's possible she's no longer content with that arrangement. It's not really fair, but the average woman is probably not gonna be content being the breadwinner of a relationship long-term, especially as the kids get older and there's less nitty gritty stuff for the stay-at-home parent to do.

At any rate, it sounds like she's not communicating well, possibly because she's past the point of no return, and thus, sees no point in having these tough talks. I'm in the camp that thinks you'll probably knock yourself out for nothing trying to fix this all by yourself. It takes two to rebuild.

March 26, 2019

You can try and make yourself more "attractive", but, in my experience, the success stories are very limited. Mine was a failure and still is. Still waiting for my wife to change her mind. Unfortunately, she doesn't know about my deadline: next September. Not that I believe she'll be shocked when I tell her that I want to separate...

All in all, I think you should give it another shot. See what happens. What do you have to lose?

March 26, 2019

Infidelity seems to be the most obvious reason, but given the circumstances, I'm willing to believe that she's merely just mentally checked out and there's not necessarily another man.

Yup. Neither one is good news for me.

If your youngest is 12, then the idea of you being a SAHD is a concept that was discussed more than a decade ago. It's possible she's no longer content with that arrangement. It's not really fair, but the average woman is probably not gonna be content being the breadwinner of a relationship long-term, especially as the kids get older and there's less nitty gritty stuff for the stay-at-home parent to do.

All fine. I have mentioned that if there is anything about our life together that doesn't sit right with her and needs to change, we should discuss it, but she says no. That pretty much shuts down that conversation.

At any rate, it sounds like she's not communicating well, possibly because she's past the point of no return, and thus, sees no point in having these tough talks. I'm in the camp that thinks you'll probably knock yourself out for nothing trying to fix this all by yourself. It takes two to rebuild.

Precisely. I feel like she's already made the decision to divorce as soon as it is convenient for her. Maybe she plans to string me along until our youngest leaves for college.

Maybe we should explore a post-nuptial agreement that would protect me financially in the event we should split (and reduce the conflict, grief, and perhaps hefty legal fees that would ensue).

March 26, 2019

Maybe we should explore a post-nuptial agreement that would protect me financially in the event we should split (and reduce the conflict, grief, and perhaps hefty legal fees that would ensue).

Maybe she stays because she knows she is going owe you a ton of support in the event of a divorce. That’s motivation to keep the status quo.

This has happened to a friend of mine, her husband was a stay at home father who hardly worked a day of their marriage. He could never decided “what he wanted to do” and the work he would find was generally beneath him... As the kids got older, she finally decided that she couldn’t stay in the marriage and carry his dead weight anymore... She filed for divorce and she and the kids moved into her parent she home so that she could afford to pay spousal support to her husband. He then went through the home when they sold the home and told her what furniture he wanted - furniture that she paid for because she worked and supported the family through the entire marriage.

Yeah, divorce was a use financial blow for her and she tried for years to hold on and avoid the cost of divorce until finally, she couldn’t stand it anymore.

We don’t know what kind of arrangement you’ve made with your wife OP. But, the fact is, your children are teenagers now and one of your children has reached adulthood - not really needing a stay at home dad anymore... this is what I mean when I say I think you underestimate the factors here. I hate to be blunt, if you were my husband and you were more concerned with signing an agreement to protect himself financially in the event of divorce than getting a job and being a partner in the marriage - that would make me feel like I had three dependents, not two. There is nothing sexy about that. Not to minimize what you have contributed in caring for and raising your daughters all these years in any way... because it’s unlikely that she could have a big job if you didn’t have some flexibility at home. But, the times are a changing as your daughters get older and if you want to be treated and respected like a life partner - then you need to be a partner, in every sense of the word.

Edited March 26, 2019 by BaileyB

March 26, 2019

her husband was a stay at home father who hardly worked a day of their marriage.

Looking after the kids is not work?

March 26, 2019

Maybe she plans to string me along until our youngest leaves for college.

Depriving you of sex so early in her plan seems silly to me...

March 26, 2019

I hate to be blunt, if you were my husband and you were more concerned with signing an agreement to protect himself financially in the event of divorce than getting a job and being a partner in the marriage - that would make me feel like I had three dependents, not two. There is nothing sexy about that. Not to minimize what you have contributed in caring for and raising your daughters all these years in any way... because it’s unlikely that she could have a big job if you didn’t have some flexibility at home. But, the times are a changing as your daughters get older and if you want to be treated and respected like a life partner - then you need to be a partner, in every sense of the word.

Her ability to thrive in her career is greatly enhanced by having a stay-at-home parent who cares for our younger child, takes care of our home, social life, doctor's appointments—basically everything in our life not directly related to my wife's job. Now, if she doesn't quite see it that way or she wants to change that arrangement or secretly resents it or whatever, it is incumbent on her to raise that issue with me so it can be addressed.

I am not a mindreader and I shouldn't be expected to be one in order for my wife to respect me and have sex with me. On the other hand, I do try to anticipate her needs but it sure would be nice if she would identify those needs to me so I can meet them better than I am apparently meeting them now.

March 26, 2019

Looking after the kids is not work?

Of course it is, but the concept of the full time stay at home parent is no longer seen as the norm.

Both parents tend to work and contribute to the kitty. One child is an adult and the other is 12, so little hands on care required.

As the wife here appears to do the cooking too when she returns from work, I guess a fair bit of resentment has built up over the years...

March 26, 2019

Looking after the kids is not work?

I should have said work outside the home... nobody has to tell me that being a stay at home parent is not work. In fact, I have another dear friend who works a professional job and she tells everyone she meets that she would not be able to do it if her husband didn’t have more felixibility at home (he works as a general contractor).

The fact is, his kids are 12 and one is an adult. They are not requiring the same care they once did... perhaps it is incumbent on OP to realize that and plan accordingly. If he is waiting for his wife to tell him that she wants to change their arrangement, that’s a very passive thing to do. Again, how do you think your wife will respect this kind of “I can’t read her mind” attitude. Sorry to be blunt OP, but I wouldn’t respect that. I doubt that she will either.

March 26, 2019

At this point, I'm going to guess that she sees you as a burden, not as a partner and not sexual/masculine.

It sounds like you are very comfortable in being a SAHD and have been for years...but you've also forgotten to realize that your NEED to be a SAHD is likely over. Your youngest is 12 and in what, junior high school?

You could work. Or you could be busy with charities, organizations, etc.

What do you do all day? Are you sitting around in sweats on the computer or watching tv?

I'd be willing to bet that your wife is resentful that she's out working all day and you are home. And that's why she isn't having sex with you - she doesn't find you attractive but is seeing you as someone enjoying the fruits of her labor and doing nothing to help carry the load, especially now that your kids aren't little anymore.

March 26, 2019

Her ability to thrive in her career is greatly enhanced by having a stay-at-home parent who cares for our younger child, takes care of our home, social life, doctor's appointments—basically everything in our life not directly related to my wife's job. Now, if she doesn't quite see it that way or she wants to change that arrangement or secretly resents it or whatever, it is incumbent on her to raise that issue with me so it can be addressed.

I am not a mindreader and I shouldn't be expected to be one in order for my wife to respect me and have sex with me. On the other hand, I do try to anticipate her needs but it sure would be nice if she would identify those needs to me so I can meet them better than I am apparently meeting them now.

It isn't incumbent on her to raise these issues with you. Have you ever flatly asked her if she's tired of you being a stay at home parent at this juncture? When was the last time the two of you discussed the status quo?

It seems like you don't want your situation to change (being stay at home) but you want your wife to have sex with you more frequently. You also said earlier on that you are getting better and wearing bathrobes and real pajamas? When do you get up and dressed for the day? What do you wear on a day to day basis? Do you get up and DO stuff during the day? Like what? What is your daily routine?

I'm going to bet that as the President/CEO of a company your wife is up and out of the house early and doesn't get home until later in the evening.

March 26, 2019

This has happened to a friend of mine, her husband was a stay at home father who hardly worked a day of their marriage. He could never decided “what he wanted to do” and the work he would find was generally beneath him... As the kids got older, she finally decided that she couldn’t stay in the marriage and carry his dead weight anymore... She filed for divorce and she and the kids moved into her parent she home so that she could afford to pay spousal support to her husband. He then went through the home when they sold the home and told her what furniture he wanted - furniture that she paid for because she worked and supported the family through the entire marriage.

Sorry, but this is a really horrible view of someone who stays home with kids. It’s exactly the attitude that some men have about their wives. To call these people dead weight is pretty harsh. Perhaps because the couple you’re referring to didn’t agree about him being home, I can see where this would cause conflict but it sounds bad.

March 26, 2019

op,

if your wife is autistic, she may also be dealing with something called "alexthymia", which is an inability to speak about one's feelings. They are often co-morbid.

It's not intentional, it's not stubbornness or pettiness. It's real and diagnosable, and there are "workarounds" for it. It's not that she doesn't intensely feel emotions, it;s just she can't talk about them.

If this is the case with your wife, she may not be doing this intentionally. My older daughter is autistic, as am I and our son. My older daughter can discuss many things verbally, but her emotions and feelings? Nope. She can write books filled with emotional content ( and she must be doing a decant job, as she sells a lot of books) but she can't verbalize them.

If this is true for your wife, you need to find another way to get her to open up. That's why I suggested the writing before. If she is autistic, I would advise you to seek out other people who are married/in a long term relationship with an autistic. It can really open your eyes.

March 26, 2019

op,
if your wife is autistic, she may also be dealing with something called "alexthymia", which is an inability to speak about one's feelings. They are often co-morbid.

While seeking to assist OP is not lost, this is not appropriate. We are not in a position to diagnose. The best we are able is to refer OP to an appropriate mental health professional.

What we have been told is the stated ages of the OP and his wife. OP also reports that she refuses to have sex with him, refuses to discuss why/counseling and that OP is financially dependent on her.

Let's keep things above board despite the desire at so many pages to come up with a 'fixer' post.

March 26, 2019

Sorry, but this is a really horrible view of someone who stays home with kids. It’s exactly the attitude that some men have about their wives. To call these people dead weight is pretty harsh. Perhaps because the couple you’re referring to didn’t agree about him being home, I can see where this would cause conflict but it sounds bad.

This was the situation, with this particular marriage. My friend and her parents have accepted this man into their family but they lost respect for him over time... they are now supporting their daughter in her decision, if I can say - they were overjoyed when she decided to divorce - but it has come at great financial cost to this woman and her children (and truthfully, her parents).

Not saying this is my personal opinion, because it is not. I have other friends who make all kinds of arrangements - wife stays home, husband stays home... I was raised by a stay at home mother. The arrangements are all good as long as there is communication and agreement in what is best for the family. Both people are essentially sacrificing, for the good of the family - which is amazing! The problems begin when the two partners don’t agree and/or when one partner starts to build resentment for the other partner because they are left to carry the financial responsibilities for the family. I can imagine that this kind of resentment may be building here... if I was OP’s wife, I would feel resentment about the fact that my children are well on their way to adulthood, I am going to work everyday, and my husband is staying home... to do what, exactly?

I have a professional job and make a good salary. When I met my partner, he would joke and say that he looked forward to the day he could retire and I would work to support our family. I said - “no, you won’t.” (Baring illness or disability). I would never expect another person to be financially responsible for me, and I expect the same from my partner in return.

Edited March 26, 2019 by BaileyB

March 26, 2019

You know - we have spent a lot of energy discussing the no sex thing.

But you also highlighted that she doubts the marriage... what’s that about?

How long has she doubted the marriage?

I think she must have little faith in the marriage/union long before the sex stopped.

What happened 18-20 months ago that caused this marriage to shrivel up and die? It must have been something that happened.

It could be an affair, I suppose. I consulted an attorney today and she said not to bother getting a private investigator. An affair will either surface at some point or it won't, and although infidelity can affect an alimony award it is not worth it under the current circumstances.

I don't know why my wife doubts the marriage. Maybe my previous experiences with depression/hospitalization have something to do with it, although we had always said that was not my fault, in sickness and in health, etc. But sometimes the heart says something different than the mind. Anyway, I have tried to engage her in loving conversation about that and haven't gotten away so for now I am working on myself and trying to be chill, not initiate discuss about the relationship, and let her come to me. We have a date scheduled. Let's see what happens then.

March 26, 2019

While seeking to assist OP is not lost, this is not appropriate. We are not in a position to diagnose. The best we are able is to refer OP to an appropriate mental health professional.

.

I am not "diagnosing" anyone.The op himself noted that he's wondered if she's autistic.

re: diagnosing...there already is one hell of a lot of it going on. his wife is being painted by many respondents as cold, uncaring, insensitive to his needs, etc. heck, people are already advising him to divorce and suggesting his wife is having an affair based only on one side of the story.

March 26, 2019

Agree pepperbird and with you hypothesizing she is autistic.

We have one person reporting what is clearly only half of a story.

I have posted earlier in this thread, full stop.

March 26, 2019

It could be an affair, I suppose. I consulted an attorney today and she said not to bother getting a private investigator. An affair will either surface at some point or it won't, and although infidelity can affect an alimony award it is not worth it under the current circumstances.

I don't know why my wife doubts the marriage. Maybe my previous experiences with depression/hospitalization have something to do with it, although we had always said that was not my fault, in sickness and in health, etc. But sometimes the heart says something different than the mind. Anyway, I have tried to engage her in loving conversation about that and haven't gotten away so for now I am working on myself and trying to be chill, not initiate discuss about the relationship, and let her come to me. We have a date scheduled. Let's see what happens then.

You're ignoring posts that ask about whether you feel the need to financially contribute to your household.

Originally you stayed at home and were doing music...but how many years ago was that?

Your kids are older now. What are you doing with YOUR days?

March 26, 2019

I see many recent responses to this thread have taken a profoundly sexist turn, which is disappointing. If similar comments were made about a SAHM, the sexism police would have slammed several of you to the proverbial pavement by now, put you in handcuffs (metaphorically speaking, of course), frisked y'all, and stuffed you in the back of the squadcar.

If my wife has a problem with how our marriage and work/home balance is structured and how we care for her mother with dementia and our child who is transgender, etc. it is incumbent on her to raise those issues with me. If I have to be a mindreader and guess what she wants or doesn't want, that's terribly unfair and inefficient. It is not how the world works and not how a marriage should work. Come to think of it, this applies to our “sex death” as well.

BTW, she very recently suggested I start a business related to music (like become an online dealer in music-related goods) and I was very receptive and have begun researching that idea. So it's not like we don't talk about my return to remunerative work.

March 26, 2019

How much effort does she make taking care of her ailing Mother?

I physically travel to mom's location and spend days or even weeks keeping her company, taking her to doctor's appointments, helping her around her apartment, etc. My wife, meanwhile, works and makes money to make that financially possible. It's called division of labor.

The opposite approach would not work because my wife's moneymaking ability at this juncture vastly outstrips mine.

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Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

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