SayonaraItsuka Posted March 9, 2019 Posted March 9, 2019 So I matched with this girl several days ago, and we really hit it off. It felt especially nice since we share the same cultural background, and I haven't encountered that in my city at all, so it was kind of a big deal to me. Flash forward to today, she tells me that she's going back to her ex, but she still agreed to be friends. We're going out for dinner. I had a girlfriend who left me for another guy, and I felt devastated, and I vowed to never be that guy, but now I'm in this sort of situation, I don't mind being that guy... What should I do? Should I casually try to pursue her, or see where our friendship goes?
fiskadoro Posted March 9, 2019 Posted March 9, 2019 (edited) Why would you casually try to pursue someone who is taken? From the wording in your post, it sounds like you wanted a friendship more than she did. Don't try to back door your way into her heart under the guise of "friendship", that's sneaky and manipulative. She left you for her ex, and if you say she "agreed" to a friendship, maybe she doesn't even want to really be friends with you. I think that is reasonable, as friends who have romantic interests in you are not to be trusted beyond a certain point. Sorry to say this. Don't set yourself up for more heartbreak! If your cultural background limits your dating pool (which is a quite reasonable situation) then maybe expand your dating area to include online dating? May I ask what you are referring to by "cultural"? Your ethnicity, religion? Edited March 9, 2019 by fiskadoro
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2019 Posted March 9, 2019 You should cancel this "friends" dinner. If she was fully committed to her EX she has no business making new opposite sex friends on a dating site. She's stringing one or both of you along, using you both to flatter herself & stroke her ego. She is not a good potential mate.
mortensorchid Posted March 9, 2019 Posted March 9, 2019 Just forget about her. She is obviously not interested in you whether or not the ex is a factor in this. Go forth and love as you would and you'll forget about her in the next few days/weeks. It's so funny how quickly you move on. I have had more internet dates than I can count over the hears and I don't remember the guys' names after a few days of a one time encounter.
Author SayonaraItsuka Posted March 9, 2019 Author Posted March 9, 2019 No, you're totally right. You don't have to be sorry. I'm just totally infatuated with this girl. My cultural background certainly doesn't limit my dating pool, but interacting with her felt totally different. Different in a really good way. Different from all the other girls I went on dates with. That's why I was devastated when she broke the news in the first place.
Versacehottie Posted March 9, 2019 Posted March 9, 2019 I don't see why you can't hang in there. Don't do the friends dinner in the immediate future. Stay in touch with her a bit here and there. Date others in the meantime. Often second chances implode but it would be better if she sees that other thing to the end otherwise she won't be fully open to whoever is next (i.e. hopefully you). Don't allow yourself to live like you are waiting for that moment but don't shut the door where you wouldn't speak, if that makes sense. Good luck. I know people who are solidly together out of a situation like yours. It won't happen in your ideal timeframe but it may happen in the timeframe and environment that is best for the relationship itself. You don't really know her so you don't know what it could be really so don't over invest and keep your life moving forward. Good luck
smackie9 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 [quote=SayonaraItsuka;7754506 I'm just totally infatuated with this girl. All the more reason to not date this girl or be friends. You will just be an orbiter as she goes back to her ex. Then when that fails you find out she's dating some other guy. Get movin on, you were just a rebound. People who are rebounds have no value to the other person.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 Flash forward to today, she tells me that she's going back to her ex, but she still agreed to be friends. We're going out for dinner. I had a girlfriend who left me for another guy, and I felt devastated, and I vowed to never be that guy, but now I'm in this sort of situation, I don't mind being that guy... No, just no. Don't let her mess w/your feelings. She gets everything she wants and uses as entertainment while being w/her ex. You will mind being that guy. Right now you think she will suddenly see your worth and change her mind. 1
Author SayonaraItsuka Posted March 11, 2019 Author Posted March 11, 2019 No' date=' just no. Don't let her mess w/your feelings. She gets everything she wants and uses as entertainment while being w/her ex. You will mind being that guy. Right now you think she will suddenly see your worth and change her mind.[/quote'] I mean, what if she does have genuine interest in me, but also at the same time appeasing to her ex's wishes for the time being? She really doesn't seem like the type to try to mess with my emotions. From my observations, she seems to be a really sweet girl stuck in a pickle.
Author SayonaraItsuka Posted March 11, 2019 Author Posted March 11, 2019 Just keep in mind that she is the type of girl that goes out to dinner with her backburner date when she is trying to work things out with another guy. In other words, not the type of girl you wanna stick with when it comes to a meaningful relationship. It really doesn't seem that she is the type of person you are describing, and it could possibly be more complicated than that. It looks like she is a faithful person. I honestly don't mind being the friend, especially since we have a lot in common.
ecolove Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 You say you "matched with this girl", are you talking Tinder or Bumble or something like that? If so, my knee-jerk reaction is that she's just using you for free dinner dates, because I know alot of girls use those apps to get free meals from guys. However, if that's not the case, then I don't see any reason why you shouldn't at least pursue a friendship with her and see where it goes. It's only been a few days, so I would imagine that your feelings are not already so involved where you're emotionally unstable. At least you know that she has someone else so you can temper your emotions and hopefully not get "caught up" in the friendship. Furthermore, it doesn't appear that her and her ex are on stable grounds, so maybe that doesn't last much longer and your friendship can legitimately grow into something more. Either way, a few days isn't enough time to get a good read on, so I say keep talking to her and see what she's about. Also, try posting this question on the RGUE app (pronounced "argue") to try and get some additional perspectives. 1
kendahke Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 What should I do? Should I casually try to pursue her, or see where our friendship goes? Why? You don't want to be her friend: you want to be her man and she's decided that someone else should have that, not you. Don't orbit unless you want to look thirsty. 1
kendahke Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 It really doesn't seem that she is the type of person you are describing, and it could possibly be more complicated than that. It looks like she is a faithful person. How would you know? You barely know her. You didn't know her well enough to know that she had unfinished business with an ex she seems to have never put down, or at the very least, put on block so she could move forward with her life. I honestly don't mind being the friend, especially since we have a lot in common. What would you want us to tell the guy posting this about your girlfriend that you just got back together with? Make sure "being her friend" doesn't come with a visit from her boyfriend and his boys. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 I mean, what if she does have genuine interest in me, but also at the same time appeasing to her ex's wishes for the time being? She really doesn't seem like the type to try to mess with my emotions. From my observations, she seems to be a really sweet girl stuck in a pickle. She isn't in a "pickle", she is actively choosing her ex over you. Why would she need to appease her ex? Does she have kids or common property w/him? I've been in your situation before and that didn't end well. I also thought "nah they would never mess w/my feelings" only for them to break my heart.
DK092 Posted March 11, 2019 Posted March 11, 2019 (edited) If I was in your shoes I would have already moved on the moment she told me she's going back to her ex and dated other women instead. Let me tell you that it is not worth it romantically pursuing someone like that, unless they are of high value and high quality (honest, loyal etc.). She made up her mind and there is little you can do to change it. You could certainly try to manipulate her into thinking you are better than her ex but is she really worth so much effort, time and energy? Don't be the beta orbiter (I don't like using that word but I assume you know what I mean) and just move on because you are likely her backup option. Edited March 11, 2019 by DK092
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