Going out

March 9, 2019

I didn't know what to title the thread but I wanted insight or advice on my current situation. I currently live with my boyfriend. We are complete opposites in almost every aspect. I'm the responsible, neurotic one. He's the former partier who is trying to become more responsible.

During the week, he goes to work and comes home where we cook and just relax. On Fridays, he will occasionally want to hang out with his guy friends from work which is fine. They usually will go out drinking. But everytime he does, he will stay out until 3 AM and not bother texting me a heads up. I've told him how I felt so we agreed that if he has a guys Night, he will also plan a date night for us that weekend. But the problem is that whenever we go out, it's "boring" and we come home early. We never stay out as late as when he is with his buddies. I feel like he wants to do the cool, fun things with his buddies but I get shafted with the boring stuff. His excuse is that I'm not really a drinker or a partier. But there are occasions where I want to have a good time too!

I'd appreciate insights on why he is acting like this or why I react negatively to this situation. Thanks in advance.

March 9, 2019

If that is his known Friday night routine, why does he need to text you a 'heads up' about it every single week?

Do you necessarily WANT to stay out until 3AM, or is it that you more just think that anything less somehow means that he prefers being with his drinking buddies?

Why don't you make a list of the 'fun' stuff that you want to do for your date nights, then he can choose and plan from that list every week?

March 9, 2019

At this point, him staying out until 3 am has become the routine. You need to stop waiting for the heads up & assume this is the norm.

If there are fun dates you want, plan them.

Part of it is the difference between the energy of going out with a group & going on a date. When you live together, staring into each others eyes in public in part because there isn't a convenient place to be alone isn't needed. You can just go home to be alone. One on one is less about 3 a.m. & more about romance. It can still happen. DH & I are going out tonight & he's gonna wanna stay out all night, while I'm going to be ready to collapse around midnight (it's been a long week).

March 9, 2019

I agree, let him go out and forget about him reporting to you, why would you want a text at 3 a.m.? You should be sound asleep or do your thing. This is his night out, he can come in at 3, or 4 or 5 without being supervised by his mother-girlfriend.

His friends are not in competition with you. You are in the wrong frame of mind here, a frame of mind that will bring on resentment and mine your relationship.

If you want that type of fun than organize it. Organize a night out with him, bring along other couples or friends and party. You cannot recreate the same type of party you have with 5-6 people when you're only 2. Especially not when it's a bf-gf. You see each other every day, friends party hard cause they catch up and don't see each other every day.

March 9, 2019

Since you know Friday night is his night with the boys start making your own Friday night plans. Go out with your girlfriends and party, go to dinner with them, do your beauty routine, just make Friday your personal night to do what you want.

March 9, 2019

I don't know the right answer but i would be annoyed too. I think it points to your guy assuming that girlfriend time is a certain type of time and should be spent a certain way, i.e. more sedate, responsible boring activities. And time with the boys is another. I think you are right to call red flag on this stuff because in the long run he could see the relationship as stifling. And frankly, you already do since he doesn't include you in that type of "fun'. I think you need to address it head on. And covertly by planning fun things with your friends and let him see that you have a fun side and are not only the responsible person he has pegged you as. Good luck

March 10, 2019

Thanks everyone for the reply.

Other reasons I get annoyed when he goes out with his buddies:

1. He won't tell me exactly where they went. When he comes home, I'll ask him if he had a good time and where they went. He will always be vague and say "some ****ty ass bar."

2. He likes to mention that girls will hit on him but he won't reciprocate.

Yet today on our 1 year anniversary, he blew up at me because I called my guy friend to "spite" him and he accused me of cheating since he never calls no girls. So we were supposed to have date night tonight and he said I ruined it. He went out by himself in the afternoon to a party cruise that has DJ and drinking and was drinking the whole day and didn't come home until midnight. We had fought about that last night because his buddy wanted us to go but he only gave him 1 ticket for free which normally costs $75. So he said he wanted to go by himself or he would pay for my ticket. And I got a little annoyed. When he came home tonight drunk, he said several girls hit on him and he could have gone home with any one of them.

By the way, he's 38 years old with 3 daughters with 2 different baby mamas.

March 10, 2019

He’s immature and drinks too much.

March 10, 2019

Have you tried telling him exactly where you want to go or what you want to do so that it won't be boring?

"Babe I want to go dancing"

"Babe let's check out that concert"

Because if leaving it up to him is what's been making it boring then tell him what you want and if he doesn't respond favorably and says no I rather do (whatever boring activity) then you should consider a breakup or accept that he only want to do boring things with you

March 10, 2019

I thought you guys were in your early 20s. A middle aged man should be over his party phase; should be more transparent & shouldn't blow up at the slightest provocation. While you made it to the 12 month milestone, I don't advise sticking sound until month 13.

March 10, 2019

My guess is, you thought since you live together now, he would change and drop the frat boy lifestyle. Instead it just proves he won't grow up and isn't relationship material...send him packing.

Just a tip: A this stage of life, it would be wise to choose a partner that is compatible in every way instead of the opposite. You will be much happier being able to share things in common.

March 10, 2019

Yes he is in his late 30s while I'm in my early 30s. I've never been a partier because I've always been focused on my career. But he makes remarks that I'm a nerd, has no life experience, never goes out...basically shaming me. But I ask myself: what has a life of partying gotten you in life? Especially at this age, what is the motivation?

Initially we were attracted to each other because we are complete opposites. He liked that I "had my **** together" and not a partier. But on those times he does want to let loose, he doesn't want to include me. It's seems double standard.

Yes we live together. Before he met me, he was partying hard: going out almost every night and rolling into work late and hungover. But since he's been with me, I did see him change because he doesn't go out as often...maybe 2 or 3 times a month.

When he goes out, I don't suspect he cheats. But it's "normal" for girls to flirt with him. But he doesn't reciprocate. But why put yourself in that situation where you might be tempted? Or am I being overly insecure?

Edited March 10, 2019 by Mochalatte8

March 10, 2019

So he goes out twice a month? You are smothering. There is nothing wrong with a boys night out twice a month. Sometimes guys have thick skulls and don't have a clue how to get their good intentions across, because that is what he is trying to do...to put your mind at ease. He needs to know that it is having the opposite effect on you and he should stop telling you of these encounters. just that simple. I agree if you want more exciting date nights then you have to suggest what you want to do, he is not a mind reader. You see this is why communication is so important for a relationship to work. Now it doesn't have to be some pub crawl but you can invite some of his friends over and have a board game night, serving nice craft beers and appies. Have theme parties like Hawaiian shirt night, or tacky tourist, whatever that is simple and fun. This will help you get to know these people better, and be invited out to do more fun things.

BTW people get hit on...that's normal. It doesn't mean it will lead to temptation if he is a stand up guy.

Gosh if I told my husband who and when I was hit on, it would send him reeling. I keep my mouth shut, and handle the situation accordingly.

Edited March 10, 2019 by smackie9

March 10, 2019

Thanks everyone for the reply.

Other reasons I get annoyed when he goes out with his buddies:
1. He won't tell me exactly where they went. When he comes home, I'll ask him if he had a good time and where they went. He will always be vague and say "some ****ty ass bar."
2. He likes to mention that girls will hit on him but he won't reciprocate.

Yet today on our 1 year anniversary, he blew up at me because I called my guy friend to "spite" him and he accused me of cheating since he never calls no girls. So we were supposed to have date night tonight and he said I ruined it. He went out by himself in the afternoon to a party cruise that has DJ and drinking and was drinking the whole day and didn't come home until midnight. We had fought about that last night because his buddy wanted us to go but he only gave him 1 ticket for free which normally costs $75. So he said he wanted to go by himself or he would pay for my ticket. And I got a little annoyed. When he came home tonight drunk, he said several girls hit on him and he could have gone home with any one of them.

By the way, he's 38 years old with 3 daughters with 2 different baby mamas.

Uh, okay. The party cruises I've heard about actually have prostitutes onboard and that is the attraction. Now, I realize there must be different kinds, but these were a real trend a few years ago and people took clients on them, etc.

March 10, 2019

See if you can find the ticket stub and call that party boat place like a potential customer and ask them what all it involves. Tell them you're calling for your boss so he will be more honest thinking it's for a man. Ask, Are there paid girls on board? if he doesn't offer the information.

March 10, 2019

Well maybe not twice a month but every other weekend? Like I said before, this is a big change for him from going out every night during the week. And when he goes out, he goes all out and stay out until 3 AM.

Everyone's date night suggestions are great. But things like game night does not appeal to him. His idea of fun with his friends is going out to the club by the beach, ordering bottle service.

March 10, 2019

See if you can find the ticket stub and call that party boat place like a potential customer and ask them what all it involves. Tell them you're calling for your boss so he will be more honest thinking it's for a man. Ask, Are there paid girls on board? if he doesn't offer the information.

No, its not one of those luxury party boats or yachts. Besides my man is too broke to pay for girls. He bitches about paying $25 for a concert ticket.

I did look at the event page because I was going to buy a ticket myself so I could go with him. It's honestly a EDM concert with alcohol on a boat that circled around the bay. A lot of different DJ.

March 10, 2019

No, what I mean is the girls come free with the party boats. It's a thing. They round up a bunch of paid girls and guys and companies buy their ticket and then it's free once onboard. It's a sex fest. I don't know how much the tickets are though.

I don't think it's wrong to go out with your friends, but I do think it's wrong to not want to go out with your woman. Also, he's making it real clear there's women involved some way. It's hard for me to imagine a group of guys going out whose intention was NOT to pick up women. Sure, maybe a football game on the tv at the sports bar or going to see a band, but just to hang with the guys until all hours? mmmmm. Plus he's vague. Only you know what you need to do. I think I'd want to know one way or the other what's going on and follow him and spy on him from a distance and just see what's up. Then if it's nothing, you can stop worrying.

March 10, 2019

Well what happened was he was "planning" on taking me to the boat cruise. But that morning, I pissed him off by calling my guy friend and in tears. So he accused of me playing victim and being weak by trying to get a guy's attention. So he stormed out of the house, saying he didn't want to spend the day with a little child who didn't get her way. So he ended up going on the cruise by himself. All of his friends hobbies only involve drinking. He doesn't like to play sports, go to the gym or really have a hobby.

I admit I am a controlling person. We live together so he probably feels suffocated. He has been cheated on multiple times before so I don't think he would cheat. He would just break up with you.