JustAGirlx Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Hey guys, I just moved to a new town for college a couple of months ago and I haven't really found many friends and I've been finding things generally difficult. I met a guy through tinder at the end of January and we really hit it off. we were messaging a lot back and forth and then we met up for a date mid February and I got the impression he was interested in me for a few different reasons: kept doing acts of service, smiling, lots of eye contact etc. and then after he messaged later that day saying he had a great time. Anyway, its been hard to organise dates and things as he lives in a cabin in the mountains and has to go and sort stuff out often because of snow. He also works four nights a week. He went out of town one weekend and the other day we tried to schedule another date he was ill and it ends up being three weeks without a second date... I kind of have to admit I wasn't all that great with the messaging. I'm not sure how to message guys between dates and how much I should be messaging them. I ended up messaging him maybe a bit too much and sharing a bit too much of how I was struggling living in a new town and sensed that he was losing interest as his replies became a bit less lengthy and I was always messaging first/more. I felt frustrated because he never seemed to make a big effort organising dates to hang out, and this includes back when he seemed more interested, it was always me who would suggest things. Anyway every time I was suggesting things he seemed super interested but it comes to the day and he kept cancelling for one reason or another. I eventually kind of got frustrated and sent him a message calling him out on it and he didn't respond, whereas before he was responding and I just wonder whether I made a mistake by doing so. I feel like this whole situation has been made harder by going through a difficult time with moving and not quickly forming friendships and other things to do with my time. I had been trying to talk to other guys, go to the gym and do a few other things but I've been spending a lot of time alone and just wishing that I could connect with someone. So I guess what I'm asking is 1. Did I make a mistake in calling him out? 2. Is there anything I can do to rectify the situation? It sounds silly but I just felt like we had a really good connection and a lot in common and he clearly felt it too. I'm not sure if it was just all anxiety in my head, its just frustrating when things go wrong for stupid reasons. :'( 3. How much should I be messaging a guy between dates? I've always struggled with this as I feel like not messaging enough won't go down too well either, especially if there's long periods of time between dates than there's this pressure to maintain interest. Talking to him a lot seemed to work at first but then it wasn't working anymore and I just wonder how this happens. 4. What should I be doing in situations where the guy doesn't have/make time to go on more dates?
SunnyWeather Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 1. Did I make a mistake in calling him out? Yes 2. Is there anything I can do to rectify the situation? No 3. How much should I be messaging a guy between dates? *this applies during the period of the first couple of dates* Not much, just to confirm/arrange next date he initiates. you get to know someone in person, not go into your daily experiences or deep conversations. 4. What should I be doing in situations where the guy doesn't have/make time to go on more dates? Move on, get busy with more important things
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 It's not you. He A) isn't interested/has other options or B) he's not relationship material because he's just way too busy. Should grow a thick skin and look at it as, he's not making himself available, so meet someone else. Keep it simple and stop fretting as to why.
Author JustAGirlx Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 Thank you, I kind of needed to hear this. Honestly, he kept cancelling and then always would sound really interested about doing something another time which is why the situation made me feel frustrated. He's been saying how much he wants to meet up and kept saying we definitely would just for things to not work out. Last week he cancelled on me and made a suggestion to meet during the week and do something but he didn't offer me a specific time/day and it really bothered me that we hadn't arranged anything specific and I guess I just felt fed up with it all.
mortensorchid Posted March 9, 2019 Posted March 9, 2019 Just move on. For whatever reason it just wasn't meant to be.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 9, 2019 Posted March 9, 2019 He wasn't that into you ... and/or not into seriously dating. NEVER apologize for calling someone out if you're feeling ignored. Feeling ignored demands a calling out ... or just a dumping. OMG, get it out of your mind that you can ever go wrong there. The right guy who was interested in you would have called you back and said, WTF? I'm busy. I'm into ... and so on. Reverse your frame here: you WANT to scare guys away ... because most of the guys you meet aren't going to be a good fit for you, the kind of people you can have a good relationship with. Dating is more about screening out wrong types ... than it is finding the right person ... because if we are only looking to attract, we'll do what you're doing--put ourselves through agony trying to win over someone not worth winning over. If you don't call out a guy when you're feeling ignored (or if I don't call out a woman in a similar situation), you are undermining whatever backbone you might have, the backbone and confidence you will need in a relationship. Now having said that, let's talk about texting. game ... Texting is a terrible way of revealing yourself. Terrible! ... Texting is not the medium for sharing your struggles with someone you are only beginning to know. People get "high" texting every night. Doesn't mean anything about a real connection going on. Just keep things light until you meet them. And in person you see if you are comfortable getting real and talking about struggles ... and then you reveal SOME ... and pause ... and let them equivalently reveal ... This is what we do when bonding with a friend--same process goes on for good dating. Then you see if you like their reveal ... and you might then reveal more ... and then ... see how they react ... Dating and getting to know people is gradual and reciprocal. You relax and see if the person is worth being real with. Lots of people are not! And if you reveal and they don't respond well ... then stay away--the relationship isn't going to work. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 10, 2019 Posted March 10, 2019 My personal strategy when it comes to dating is this (take it or leave it) 1. Stop having one-itis on men that's not your boyfriend. Talk to multiple men. When a guy calls regularly and asks you out regularly thennnnn you can focus on him. Doing this keeps you from being so let down by the MANY men who will flake especially with online dating apps. Don't stress when a guy disappears. Focus on the guy who keeps coming around. Again multi dating at the beginning helps not get caught up. If the guy who shows much promise begans to pull away the solution is date other men. You have to understand that a lot of guys are not just going to stick when it comes to dating. Focus on the one who does stick. 2. Let men initiate texts and calls and milestones such as asking you out and asking for exclusivity. Men that like you and want to be with you will make it known. When he text you then you simply text back responding with interest, positivity, flirtation, humor, and wit. Can't go wrong with this. He can't say your not interested because your responding everytime with clear interest. No games. He can't say your on his jock because you don't initiate. So no reason to pull away due to clinginess . Only initiate text/call if he ask you to text or call him or say "I would like it if you texted or call me sometime" theeen you can reciprocate initiating texting/calls. 3. In the midst of guys who flake or don't give what you want the solution is date other men but there will be dry spells where there are no prospects pursuing you or prospects your not attracted to. The only thing you can do is focus on doing things that makes you happy or will make you happy in between suitors who show promise/boyfriends. Establish a routine of happy outside of a guy and of course that incorporates you meeting new guys. So do what makes you happy right now, do what's going to help you reach goals that will make you happy, and go places doing things that encourage your happiness (the more social the better to help meet new people along the way). Rinse and repeat. Bonus. Girl college is probably one of the easiest social times of your life to try to gain friends/boyfriend cause most colleges have clubs and events that encourage social situations. I feel it only gets harder as an adult outside of school. So I say get involved in those clubs and events that interest you or want to try and you should make friends/associates in no time. Good luck girlie. 1
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