Anxiety or Compromising my Morals

[Ariesgirly]

Hey everyone! I'm back with needing opinions. As some of you who may have followed my previous posts know, I have had a habit of being really anxious in my new relationship. My first post was that I thought he wasn't interested because he wasn't communicating much with me at first, and then my last post was a few weeks ago when he told me loved me and thought I was the one and THAT gave me anxiety too. Basically no matter what is happening I am anxious.

 

Flash forward to today and we have now been dating 3 months. It seems like I have fallen apart inside since he told me he loves me. I don't think I was emotionally ready for the responsibility. I find myself second guessing his love for me and the future of our relationship. I am finding that although nothing is going wrong in the relationship I am waiting for something to happen at all times. I have found myself getting upset for things out of my control (he fell asleep without saying goodnight this week/got too intoxicated at a music festival last weekend) I find myself going down a rabbit hole of negative thoughts that I have seen become problems in past relationships. I have had a lot of heartbreak that when someone now tells me they love me its like I don't believe it.

 

One thought I have been having a hard time with is the fact that I know he does cocaine on occasion. He was very honest on one of our first dates he does it a few times a year, maybe a line or two when he goes out with one of his buddies. He does not view it as a big deal because he knows he has self control. During the 3 months we have been dating he has not done it or hung out with this friend of his. To be honest, if you were to ask me why I have a problem with it, I couldn't tell you. I have several friends who do it who are successful and have relationships.

 

My most recent relationship that ended over a year ago , I knew going into it the guy did cocaine but it turned into every weekend after a month of dating. He would stay up all hours of the night, have crazy mood swings, pick fights and it was an emotional rollercoaster. I ended up saying the drugs or me and he chose the drugs. This was a very short lived relationship obviously. I feel like I have PTSD from it and last night started telling my current BF about my past and my fears with our future and he assures me he will never be like that and that the amount and frequency he does it will not get in the way of our relationship.

 

I trust what he says. This man is great. I honestly think he is the most normal and best guy I have ever dated. He is so kind and sweet and treats me nicely and we get along great. We have the type of connection that has been hard to find, like best friends who can talk about anything. But, as I start thinking about our future this topic gives me anxiety. I worry I am compromising my morals because I do not and have not done cocaine myself and I wonder if I made a mistake not walking away from him on that 2nd date he said he does it, no matter how great he is.

 

As I sat there last night and had this conversation with him about my anxiety and fears I bawled my eyes out worrying he would end things with me because I am an emotional, anxious wreck and he said his love is unconditional for me and loves me the way I am. He has never made me feel bad about anything about my decisions of what I do or not do. He just.....accepts me. I feel like an ******* because I am sitting here wanting him to stop doing a drug that has not caused any problems other than fear for me. Basically wanting him to change. He told me he cannot promise right now he will never do it again but assures me he does not go out looking for it, buy it or do it on a regular basis. I smoke weed and he does not and he has never asked me to stop.

 

My anxiety makes it so I have trouble living in the moment and enjoying someone for who they are. I also have a habit of creating an ideal person and being rigid in my thoughts of what a perfect mate should be but I know love doesn't work like that. I know I am an anxious person and second guess all my decisions to I am having trouble deciding if I should just give him the benefit of the doubt, trust him and see what happens until It causes problems or am I just overlooking a red flag. Please help, I am all over the place and can't get a grip

[kendahke]

Have you talked with your doctor about this?

 

I developed anxiety during the time my mother died (in January) and my doctor was really helpful in prescribing me medication to take the edge off.

[Ariesgirly]

kendahke, I was on meds about 10 years ago and didn't like them and a few years back was taking lorazepam that was making me have memory loss. I am in the process of searching for a new therapist to talk to but my worry is more of am I blowing this out of proportion or is this my body telling me this person is wrong for me

[SunnyWeather]

I blowing this out of proportion or is this my body telling me this person is wrong for me

 

If doing hard drugs is a red line for you (and for many it would be) then yes, you're getting signals that something is off/wrong. The fact that you've lived through a traumatizing experience with a partner who used coke is also reinforcing the notion of not putting your hand on the fire again, and learning from your history.

[kendahke]

kendahke, I was on meds about 10 years ago and didn't like them and a few years back was taking lorazepam that was making me have memory loss. I am in the process of searching for a new therapist to talk to but my worry is more of am I blowing this out of proportion or is this my body telling me this person is wrong for me

 

I don't think you're blowing anything out of proportion. I think you have grounds because of his drug usage.

 

It really doesn't matter how scarcely he does it--cocaine is still highly illegal in all its forms. Weed is being decriminalized/legalized state by state recreationally-- and medically especially-- all over the country, so that stigma attached to it is fading.

 

Adopt the stance of video ex taceo: "I see but say nothing". Observe how his words and his actions line up or don't--consistently. You already know the signs to look out for with a coke user--if they begin appearing, don't discount them--and let him know you will not discount them should they appear.

[Wallysbears]

You may be experienced heightened anxiety because you are dating a person that has gotten too intoxicated and also informed you that they use illegal drugs.

 

The anxiety may be a way that your body is telling you this is a "flight" situation.

[preraph]

I don't know if the coke that's out there today is anything like it was in the 70s, but if so, you know, it all depends if the person has addiction in their genes or pain they are trying to escape whether they become a big addict or not. Or if they're relying on it (since it's a stimulant) like musicians did to just get awake then they needed to sleep.

 

From what I've seen, once a person has a full-time job, they shouldn't have much time for regular dope or alcohol use anymore, so if they're prioritizing it after they are, say, 30, when they have other obligations, then I believe that is a problem. Young people with no big obligations can and do party, but if they have addiction in their genes, it will turn into a problem for them.

 

Now, if he ever picks up meth or heroin or fantanyl -- leave. These are drugs that take just about everyone who uses them eventually. Hard core killer drugs.

[Ariesgirly]

preraph, . He has a serious job, has a masters degree and he pretty much just works long days and goes to the gym with me during the week and hangs out with me and his dog on the weekends. He is definitely a responsible man in his early 30s. He does not prioritize drugs and has also said that he has a reputation and important job to keep so he doesn't ever buy it or get too involved, just does it if he's out with this friend if he has it.

 

He's mentioned before that his job is high stress and that he feels like he has to be on point all week so when the weekend comes he likes to live a little. So far since I have been with him this just means have drinks so I guess this is what makes him view cocaine as not a big deal since he does it sporadically.

Edited March 8, 2019 by Ariesgirly

[mark clemson]

Sooooooooooo, is it me or does this seem like a LOT of risk to be taking in a relationship?

 

If the coke somehow or other gets him in trouble and you are there and it appears to a cop to also be yours - you might get convicted of a felony.

 

That can have life-changing implications, particularly if you want to get professional level work. You might also have the fun experience of having to post bail for him or otherwise get involved in the hassles of a legal situation.

 

If you're not a drug user yourself, why subject yourself to this risk?

 

A responsible man in his 30's does not use cocaine IMO. There are many other fish in the sea. Think you should strongly consider moving on.

[shydad]

He told me he cannot promise right now he will never do it again

Given that you shared with him your past problems related to cocaine and fears of the drug, and his inability to commit to not using it, despite understanding those fears and his professed love for you, it seems clear that cocaine is very important to him...more important than relieving you of this fear. If he only uses it three times a year, wouldn't there be an immediate response of, "Of course I will no longer use cocaine!"

[todreaminblue]

as another [poster pointed out coke is illegal....its illicit.....and recreational use is a slippery slope....whether or not he does it five times a decade or five times a day...if he gets caught with a line of coke in his pocket or even just the utensil used to smoke it with.....he will have a criminal record...stone cold busted....drug use eventually becomes a life ...drugs can becoem the go to when life gets real ......recreational drug use or not.....it changes a person.....becomes a crutch...becomes a life...its all downhill.....

 

you have aright to say no to drugs...no to using them and no to the people you want to be intimately close too...when people use drugs it changes them.when they are high..changes their inhibitions....their promiscuity..their very loyalty to you......and im not being a prude its just fact...and on the come down...they are hell on legs to deal with...you have a right to be concerned.....because it isnt the life you want to be involved with......i wish you peace and hope you find it with a man who is drug free......deb

[d0nnivain]

You are blowing things out of proportion but that is what anxiety does. It makes you do this.

 

You do need to talk to a therapist & develop coping mechanisms. Mindfulness / being in the moment helps, so do breathing techniques. Personally I turned back to faith & prayer. It has done wonders to help calm my anxiety.

 

You have to learn to slow down. It's 3 months in & he has said he loves you. Take it one day at a time. Try not to project too far into the future -- about 1 month ahead is as far as you should be looking. Stop trying to figure out if he's The One. Just be. Get to know each other more. Slow & steady forward.

[fiskadoro]

If you don't like drug use, don't date drug users. I don't use drugs and I find that dating druggies rarely works. You end up being their babysitter/ATM/agony aunt wayyyyy too often. Or they want to turn you on to their lifestyle, ughhh.

 

 

If you go into the relationship being okay with his drug use, if it gets out of hand you have already given him the green light. It will be difficult to say "stop" because you were cool with it before.

 

 

One thing about some friends - and they were actually real friends - of mine who were into drugs always stands out to me. They had a pact that if one of them overdosed, took some bad acid, etc, then needed to be hospitalized, the others would just drop them off at/near the Emergency Room and then bail. Would you want a relationship with someone whose recreation choices included something that could result in your incarceration, car getting impounded, etc? I am assuming you are American. Law enforcement attitudes towards drugs are still stiff here. Don't do it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would be out of there the moment he mentioned cocaine. Your anxiety is giving you a strong message - this is not the right relationship for you. Drug use is a hard deal-breaker. He tells you he won't let it "get in the way of your relationship", that's just about what every alcoholic and drug addict says.

[smackie9]

Like I always say...if it doesn't feel right then it's not.

I would tell you talk to your therapist if you were having anxiety over him leaving his dirty gaunch on the bedroom floor, but drug use is just common sense. I wouldn't tolerate it and I know a lot of people feel the same way. It's just a simple dealbreaker situation.

[Ariesgirly]

So, I talked with him about it and told him my feelings and he told me he would never choose drugs over our relationship and told me he does not need to do it anymore. I basically gave him an ultimatum and said I do not see myself ever wanting to take someone seriously who does drugs even sporadicaly and I don't want it part of our relationship. He said he sees me long term and possibly forever and does not want that to get in the way so he has committed to stopping.

[SunnyWeather]

how does it feel to speak up honestly about your feelings about this? to have made a boundary and get the response you did?

 

this is a really good example of how setting boundaries can play out. it doesn't also blow up the relationship, but rather sets a course for having an open dialogue and creating intimacy that sets a solid foundation for a possible solid relationship.

 

kudos to you!

[Ariesgirly]

Sunny Weather it feels great! Definitely did not go how I anticipated. He was so calm about it. Now I have to just work on actually trusting him when he does go out which is a whole other element to it and why I am starting therapy again next week

[shydad]

So, I talked with him about it and told him my feelings and he told me he would never choose drugs over our relationship ... he has committed to stopping.

Yay! What a wonderful surprise to read this message tonight! Thank you so much for addressing the issue properly and sharing the results with us.

[Ariesgirly]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this post but figured maybe some people can relate. As some of you know, I have had a hard time letting go and just loving and trusting freely in my relationship

 

Back story about me....I am 33 years old and been in several dead end relationships (One emotionally abusive, an Alcoholic, coke addict and a few good guys who just weren't right) When I look back on my past I recognize this feeling I am having now in my current relationship but back then I felt I had reason to...I wasn't being treated right, I was being stonewalled, my significant others wouldn't talk through things with me, when I expressed emotion they would run. I feel that in the times the relationships were not ended by me, the rug was ripped out from under me after being told many times they love me. It has caused me to be overly cautious and expect the worst outcome.

 

Fast forward to today. I have been dating an amazing man for 3 1/2 months. He is my best friend, treats me nicely, talks through things with me and has shown his commitment to me. Everything seemed to have been fine with me until he told me a month ago he loves me. Almost on a weekly basis since then, I have had an emotional breakdown. I started off questioning if I felt the same way and if he was good enough for me since he vapes and drinks more often then I do. He mentioned he does cocaine a few times a year and I asked him to stop and he agreed to it (has never done it since we've been together) I felt guilty veering off my list of what a perfect mate for me is since he didn't check EVERY box. I came into the relationship confident and feeling beautiful. Then my brain moved into questioning if he REALLY loves me and if he will just dump me once the honeymoon phase is over like some other's have. It seems like every little thing that does not go perfectly I am going into full blown panic mode and have tried to break up with him a few times. My thinking has gone from "this is my person" to trying to look for every flaw and reason why it wont work out. I find myself creating hypothetical fights and scenarios that COULD happen in the future that MIGHT tear us apart. I am having trouble living in the present.

 

Now, my anxiety is derived from feeling like I have started ruining my relationship. I have fear he will leave me and I no longer feel worthy of him. I have tried telling him about my anxiety, and it makes me cry and he has so far been supportive and tried to understand. I feel like no one should want to be with someone with anxiety and I don't feel like i am worthy of love because I read all these things that you cant be with someone until you are happy with yourself. The thing is, when I am single I AM happy! I feel so terrible for trying to end things during my panic attacks I feel he doesn't trust me anymore and I feel so guilty for ever making him question my love for him, even though he has never told me he does. He has been somewhat distant this week and it could be my imagination since he is a lawyer and has a lot of work to do, but I woke up this morning and could barely get out of bed. I feel insane because there is NOTHING wrong in my relationship. It is the most perfect, fun, and loving relationship I have ever been in.

 

I have always dreamed of the type of relationship and man that would make me feel at ease and loved and I have him now and it seems like a carefree loving relationship is only a dream. I sometimes want to end the relationship just to put myself out of the pain I feel.

 

I will be starting therapy for anxiety tomorrow and he is supportive of it. I guess my fear here is this is all meaning that I should not be in a relationship right now or the right person will work through it with me? I feel so unlovable and unattractive.

Edited March 19, 2019 by Ariesgirly