Does watching porn, and doing similar stuff make you a cheater or a bad person?

[Christina859090]

I recently found out boyfriend of 3 yrs who seemed like not the pervish or cheating type has lots of porn in the house and on his computer. He also has been subscribing to adult chatting and picture viewing of loose women. He has messaged women in a nice way like for compliments, and other times just to say dirty nasty things. I'am stil very shocked because I never saw this side of him? He was in total denial for so long and i finnaly caught him being a pervert! Iam confused, I'am sure he hasnt been cheating, he wouldnt say and do such things in real life. Right now that the pain, crying and our fighing got cooler, I have written a document of all the reasons for a break and formally told him that I need some time away to sort things out and for him to figure out if he wants "fun" and to "party" like he wrote in his profiles online.He keeps calling me and leaving messages that he loves me and so on.....

 

What do you think of this?

[Christina859090]

The thing is our sex life has always been fun and good. I was the one thinking I'm the horny bad one for wanting it always, but I never looked at other guys online or messaged them telling them nasty things like he did, and i wasnt obsessed with porn either! It was so unexpected, he even kept trying to tell me its not my fault that he loves our sex life and hes very attracted to me? Then why?

[francis]

you are the only one who can decide what your boundaries and limits are. if it were me, i could not handle it. having read your other posts, it seems like he is into online affairs, online nonsense, i personally would take that to mean there was something missing in our 'real life' relationship.

i could not tolerate it, but that is my personal 'thing'.

 

i deem it unacceptable behaviour in a relationship. i would find it disrespectful towards me as his girlfriend.

 

i would tell him to get lost, get a life and i would find myself a guy who was not into this kind of stuff, which he obviously sees as harmless.

[Craig]

I wouldn't mind if my SO occaisionally looked at porn but your bf is taking it way past what I would accept in a relationship. Based on what I've seen on LS his porn thing isn't going to go away even if he says it is. So can you live with it? I couldn't.

 

Do a search here on love shack and you'll see a gazillion posts about women in similar situations.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What do you think of this?

 

I think instead of sticking around and hoping to change him, that you should take your break a step further and begin looking for someone to have in your life who is more on par with your way of thinking when it comes to this sort of thing.

 

You could likely stick around and work on changing his actions, but you cannot change his motivation or desire for this sort of interaction. Only he can do that. The fact that it has been there all along suggests to me that there is very little chance he is going to give it up. He may tell you he will, but it is more likely that he will just get better at hiding it from you. At the very least he will stop, but in his mind he will still have those motivations and desires.

[jc]

Personally I don't have a problem with pornography...but I consider online "sex" to be a category of cheating, especially if he wasn't open about it with you. There is obviously some desire to have sexual relations with other women (even if it is only online), otherwise he wouldn't be doing this.

 

I think I kind of know what you are going through...I recently discovered that my ex-bf signed up on Lavalife for "intimate encounters" (online) while we were together. That is definitely worse than what your boyfriend is doing, because at least your guy isn't trying to meet up with people in real life to have sex, but like Francis said, it all depends on where your boundaries are.

 

I think everyone has a right to a fantasy life outside of the relationship (ie. is it cheating if you fantasize about another guy? In my mind, no), but it really is about where you draw the line.

[Outcast]

Looking at porn does not involve interacting with the people in the images or videos in any way. Chat rooms and other similar activities have taken it from observer to participant, which is a whole other order of behaviour.

[Jeannie]

I think it's ok if you're single but not in a relationship. It all boils down to a lack of respect for the person you're with. My ex was obsessed with porno magazines and yes it did interfere - our sex life was the pits. He was awful in bed.

 

When a guy jacks off too much what is left for us gals? I got bored with him sexually. He spent too much time with his pants down around his ankles instead of pleasing me.

 

Say adios - find a guy who wants to please you instead of himself. There are alot of men out there who'd happily give up lonely nights of porn for a warm sexy woman.........

[ALittleTeapot]

my guy has tons of porn and I don't find it a problem. He has some online personals thing too. I have complete trust in him. His watching porn tells me that he's not out screwing other chicks.

 

I think if you know that your dude wouldn't act like that offline, you should just let him play out whatever fantasies he has in his mind because you can't and shouldn't try to control what he thinks.