LonelyHearted Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 I’m very new to online dating (just started the first week of January of this year) and really do not know how to navigate this form of dating. Also, the only relationships I’ve had up until now were friendships that evolved into romantic relationships. After going out on several one and done dates, I have now found a guy I’m really interested in. We’ve gone on four dates with plans made for a fifth date and we have both said in person and text how much we like one another. He also keeps talking about future events (things happening months from now that he wants to do with me.) The only thing that was off was when I got an alert on the dating app where we met that I had a few unopened messages. I opened the app for the first time since I started dating him and saw the green dot indicating that he was online. I’m not really too upset as we haven’t had the exclusivity talk. I’ve been exclusive as I’m really only interested in him. However, I’ll admit that before him, I juggled a couple dates a week. So I feel it’s too early to label each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, but I would prefer him to be exclusive. Is there a middle ground here? Any advice is appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Let him bring up exclusivity but have a timeline that your willing to wait for him to come to that decision. Personally I think 2-3 months is reasonable for a guy to decide if he wants that with me. If he don't ask for exclusivity assume he doesn't want it and date other men. Men that a) want a relationship AND b) want a relationship with you will make it known that they want to be exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend. Period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 soooo you've gone on 4 dates and spend approx. 12 hours together? you want to be exclusive after that amount of time? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 ^^^^ This! Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 soooo you've gone on 4 dates and spend approx. 12 hours together? you want to be exclusive after that amount of time? Oh don't be snarky Many men ask for exclusivity within/after about a month So I don't think it's uncommon that a person (women included ) wants to be exclusive after 4 dates with someone they really like more than what's out there. Especially if chemistry is hard to come by. If the dating scene prior is lackluster and you find someone you connect with and really attracted to both men and women get excited and willing to give exclusivity a shot. Is it more prudent to really get to know someone before exclusivity? Abso-effin-lutely. But what happens? You go 3 months, 6 months, one year+ not connecting with someone or finding someone you like and then all the sudden you do. Emotions tend to rule. Choosing a boyfriend/girlfriend is not the same as choosing a wife/husband anyway. You get a person to become your exclusive partner based on very little information even if you do go on eight-twelve dates. You like them and find some compatibility and see no red flags....so far. But once they are your exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend theeeeeen you see if they would make a good husband/wife once y'all are in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 This is a particularly difficult thing to navigate early in a new relationship. In my relationships it didn't require an awkward conversation. The last one went like this... I noticed that she had not logged into the site since we started dating. Then after several dates (and sex) she closed her dating profile. I mentioned that to her and she just smiled, so I told her that I was closing mine too. From that point I think we both assumed exclusivity. We didn't have "the talk." Then after about a year we were talking about online dating and she asked, "you know we never had the talk; do you consider us to be exclusive?" I said, yes of course, I always felt that we had that understanding. She agreed. In your case, I think that if you're going to be sexual, or if you already have been, then it justifies having the conversation. It won't be easy to initiate, but if he's on the same page it won't be awkward. So bring it up in the context of concern of sexual health, and ask if he's dating others or not. If he tries to deflect you know what that means. You can say that you aren't comfortable sleeping with someone who is dating around. You'll either get the assurance you want, or you'll know score. If it turns out to be ambiguous, either end it or let him understand that sex is off the table until further notice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Have you had sex? If someone I hadn't even slept with yet was talking about being exclusive, I would find them to be quite needy and be very put off. Also though, if I have a really good connection with someone, we're probably having sex by the 2nd date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 So I feel it’s too early to label each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, but I would prefer him to be exclusive. Is there a middle ground here? Any advice is appreciated! Have this talk before you wind up horizontal in bed with your panties on the floor. After is not the time to do it, especially if you have a set of expectations for his behavior with you. First, you're going to have to stay off the app yourself if you want to have a leg to stand on--because he could also say that you're on the app looking, too. Could be he's monitoring when you show up, too. Then you're going to have to tell him that you would like to see things develop and being on the app will interfere with that. If he balks or is scared off, then good riddance--he was never going to be who you needed. If he truly likes you as he's been saying, then he'll be happy to leave fishing in that cesspool alone in order to be with you. Only time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 (edited) So I feel it’s too early to label each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, but I would prefer him to be exclusive. Is there a middle ground here? Any advice is appreciated! You do whatever you feel is right because there in no right or wrong way of doing this. Everyone is different. Me personally, I would want to know if I should invest at least to a level where we are both focusing only on each other, getting to know one another. It's time to talk about expectations. I know you want to approach this with out sounding cray cray. Just ask him if he is multi dating or seeing others, simple as that just so you know where it stands as of now. Edited March 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Have you had sex? If someone I hadn't even slept with yet was talking about being exclusive, I would find them to be quite needy and be very put off. Also though, if I have a really good connection with someone, we're probably having sex by the 2nd date. by that i can infer that if you dont have a great connection you will sleep with them later? as a guy why would i bother dating you knowing this information? Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 No I'm inferring that I'm not going to keep dating someone that I don't have a connection to. But I will totally sleep with someone I don't have a connection to the first/2nd date. Are you inferring that a woman loses her dating value if she engages in casual sex? I hate to break it to you buddy but women have needs too. Many women engage in casual sex, except they don't talk about it because of people like you. Also I'm a man. And if a potential partner of mine has engaged in casual sex, that doesn't remotely bother me. It means that she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Phase_shift22 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 (edited) Have you had sex? If someone I hadn't even slept with yet was talking about being exclusive, I would find them to be quite needy and be very put off. Also though, if I have a really good connection with someone, we're probably having sex by the 2nd date. Is this the consensus? I agree with the timeline suggested by others (1-2 months) but I have totally done it the other way around (usually intimacy happens only once we are in a committed relationship). That being said, I haven't had the best luck with relationships, so if your point is true, this could be a contributing factor (i.e. I'm too slow to get to the bedroom) Edited March 9, 2019 by Phase_shift22 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 , I would want to know if I should invest <snip>. It's time to talk about expectations. I agree with this. That may have been his first time back on the site, just as it was yours; and he may have noticed that you were online and is thinking similar thoughts/having similar doubts. If you do not want to bring up the conversation with him, you can still stop dating others, but then manage your own expectations internally so that you don't end up getting blind-sided or disappointed (through no fault of his). Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Is this the consensus? I agree with the timeline suggested by others (1-2 months) but I have totally done it the other way around (usually intimacy happens only once we are in a committed relationship). That being said, I haven't had the best luck with relationships, so if your point is true, this could be a contributing factor (i.e. I'm too slow to get to the bedroom) You have to decide how meaningful sex is to you. My sex life is a defining factor of a relationship for me so there's no way in hell I would commit to someone if I don't know that we are sexually compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 But exclusivity is hardly a "commitment" surely? Link to post Share on other sites
Phase_shift22 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 You have to decide how meaningful sex is to you. My sex life is a defining factor of a relationship for me so there's no way in hell I would commit to someone if I don't know that we are sexually compatible. No disagreement there. I think that is an important element too. Part of the reason behind waiting, though, is to make sure she isn't sleeping with other guys either. May I ask how many dates in before you bring up sex? Have you ever encountered women who were turned off by this early on? My guess is you wouldn't want to date women who are, but I am just curious. As I understand it, there is a line between being a "normal healthy human being with needs" and being too promiscuous. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 (edited) Here's how I did it when I was dating, and it typically worked out fine including with my girlfriend, we're going on 7 years now. I would almost always be working with a few girls at once, it wasn't uncommon for me to have 3 dates on a weekend, some first dates others 2nd or 3rd or whatever. When I met my girlfriend of 7 years I was casually dating 4 other women (it was a busy spell for sure). In at least a half a dozen cases on the second date when I realized things were really clicking I'd say something to the effect of "I like you, we seem to be getting along well, I'd prefer to focus on you rather than date around and see where things go so if that works for you let's be exclusive". It's not like it's some huge commitment simply a promise to not date others while you test the waters with each other. Gets rid of the whole "checking to see if they're online and wondering if they're trying to decide between you and someone else or what if suddenly they go on a first date with someone else after dating you for a couple of weeks and think oh this guy (or girl) is a lot more my type". In every case when I've proposed this it's been met with full agreement. I imagine my suggestion would not have gone over so well if I said "well it's been 2 dates lets move in together and raise a family". Edited March 9, 2019 by Normm Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I'm not in the game and know nothing about OLD...But I see this topic come up all the time...It strikes me as somewhat odd... I dunno...If you like someone enough to want to actually continue dating them and talk of future plans, then why do you need to still "keep irons in the fire"?? I get it, some people want to have backup plan, just in case it doesn't work out, but to me. that sounds weak...If you like the person, then just give them a chance.. Me personally? If I found out someone was "shopping" me, I would bail out on that person, whether there is some official proclamation of exclusivity, or whatever...I just would never tolerate that, nor would I do the same to someone else..I think people that freely think this is OK should realize that I am probably not the only one with this thinking.. So what if it doesn't eventually work?? I guess the reason I feel this way personally is I wouldn't even talk to someone that I didn't want to be around, let alone date...And never struggled with attention from women, so to think I had to hoard a bunch of women and then weed them out is just something that doesn't make sense..to me anyway.. As for the OP, follow your gut...Its obviously an issue, or you wouldn't bother posting on here about it...Just let him know how you feel, if he is put off by it, then he probably wasn't as committed as you are. TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 The time to have the talk about exclusivity is when you feel like it's time to have the talk about exclusivity. I'm older, so if I'm really interested in someone ... I'd probably want to get that out of the way after sleeping with them or before sleeping with them. Ideally, this talk occurs organically. Just at a certain time you look at each other and say what you need to say. But if you're thinking about the talk, you should have the talk. Remember--having the talk is also a way to find out what the other person is thinking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Oh don't be snarky Many men ask for exclusivity within/after about a month I've never asked a woman for exclusivity, it is her job so I wait for her to bring it up Link to post Share on other sites
Sunnydaysandsome Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I've never asked a woman for exclusivity, it is her job so I wait for her to bring it up Why is the woman's job to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Why is the woman's job to do this? I don't know...that was always my understanding Link to post Share on other sites
Sunnydaysandsome Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I didn't know that and I'm a woman. Maybe that is why the man I was dating went flakey he seemed to be waiting for me to do something. I didn't understand. I was waiting for him to do something. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I've never asked a woman for exclusivity, it is her job so I wait for her to bring it up Be the man, take control, she'll respect you for it. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I didn't know that and I'm a woman. Maybe that is why the man I was dating went flakey he seemed to be waiting for me to do something. I didn't understand. I was waiting for him to do something. I was taught that women asked for exclusivity and men asked for the engagement Link to post Share on other sites
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