Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 I'm sorry Panda that it ended this way but at least you won't be spinning your wheels with this guy anymore. You will find the right guy. Hopefully I will. But not staying with the wrong one is enough for me at this moment. It's sad when you're opening your heart to someone, saying how you feel and what you want, and the other person responds "I hope you find that person, is not me", and "whatever". Good riddance. 2
kendahke Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 I told him everything about how I feel and what I want. Well let's just say that his response was that he is not that person and that he hopes I find that person. In that we agree. End of story. and he's on block, right?
losangelena Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Hopefully I will. But not staying with the wrong one is enough for me at this moment. It's sad when you're opening your heart to someone, saying how you feel and what you want, and the other person responds "I hope you find that person, is not me", and "whatever". Good riddance. Wow, what a knobhead!
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Good job Op. I know it sucks girl. But you will find someone better when your ready
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 He used to say his ex was very controlling and like a dictator (taking all the decisions herself without any consideration to him), but that's how he is too! Panda don't you see it? This is his perception> I bet money on it his ex had done exactly what you have been doing...making simple requests to communicate and make you a little more of a priority when spending time together. He's projecting. He's been the selfish bastard all along with you and her. 2
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 Panda don't you see it? This is his perception> I bet money on it his ex had done exactly what you have been doing...making simple requests to communicate and make you a little more of a priority when spending time together. He's projecting. He's been the selfish bastard all along with you and her. Yeah, there's a saying that we all start by hating our boyfriend's ex and end up understanding and feeling empathy for her. I thought about that too. Especially when I told him I want a relationship of equals, where both say out loud what we want and we reach a compromise, he responded: "I hope you find your perfect obedient someone" Good riddance. 2
kendahke Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 "I hope you find your perfect obedient someone" Yeah, any issues displayed by his ex is a direct result of this foul mindset. He's not built for reciprocity or maturity for that matter, especially if he's too scared to state up front, at the start, that this is all that he is capable of delivering in a monogamous relationship. There are women out there who are down for this shallow dive and he needs to quit wasting the time of women who are here for the deep dive and stick to the kiddie pool. You're well rid of a time and youth waster. 1
preraph Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Ok so I asked him on the phone yesterday why the disinvite to his weekend event, asking me to go there just for a couple of hours when before he told me to go the whole weekend, and his answer was that he thought I would be busy that weekend... Please notice I didn’t tell him in any way before that I would be busy that weekend (or any weekend for that matter). I tod him that maybe instead of assuming, he can ask me if I’ll be busy or if I can go with him? Or just be honest and tell me he prefers to go on his own, which is totally fine. It just feels to me the ‘thinking I would be busy’ was just a lousy excuse and even makes me feel he thinks I’m stupid!? Someone who wants you to go simply asks ‘hey are you busy next weekend or can you go with me’? Simple. This is just sad really. Gaslighting you and trying to make it your own fault he's acting like a jerk.
preraph Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 I’m beginning to realize he’s the kind of guy that puts in a lot of effort in order to lure someone in, to get what he wants, and then when he feels comfortable he goes back to who he really is: lazy and selfish. That’s why he invited me to lovely dates before and now only wants to hang around at home, not going out anymore. Also does a lot of promises he never fulfills. Then when I speak up then he makes a bit more of effort again, to then just go back again to lazyness and careless when he’s comfortable. Yes is a push-pull dynamic but because that’s who he is. He just wants an easy relationship on his own terms and without much effort. I can’t even imagine how it is to be married to someone like this! That's what dating is all about. People are not showing you who they are usually in the beginning. Like you said, they're just trying to get what they want (with men, sex) and they can't keep up the good fake behavior and hope you'll just stick around once you find out they're not that person. I give you credit though; a lot of people would say "He's changed," but you were smart enough to realize this is who he always was and he hasn't changed and he was just acting and he's not going to be that guy you first dated because that was fake.
preraph Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Well I'm going to do what I just did this morning. I told him everything about how I feel and what I want. How is not right for him to take all decisions and informing me of how things are going to happen, and then expect me to cave in with a smile. I want a relationship of equals, where he ASKS me (not informs me) if I want this or that, where he says what he wants, where I say what I want and we both together reach a compromise. That's a relationship to me. He used to say his ex was very controlling and like a dictator (taking all the decisions herself without any consideration to him), but that's how he is too! I told him I want consistency and I want the effort he does to lure me in to be consistent and not only on specific times. Well let's just say that his response was that he is not that person and that he hopes I find that person. In that we agree. End of story. Interpretation: He was a jerk to his ex too. She wasn't any dictator. He's just a selfish manchild who isn't mature enough to be in a relationship. 1
preraph Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Agree. I've just said Adios Amigo this morning. Feeling relieved now to be honest. So glad you're going to be the one for whom this change is a good one. He can just go back to being a tool and start all over trying to fool some other woman for sex. You can do much better. You gave him a chance.
preraph Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Boy, he tried to gaslight you to the very end with that "obedient" comment. Tell him he's projecting and when it's always someone's else's fault, it's HIM. No, don't. Just block him and and don't have contact.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 Boy, he tried to gaslight you to the very end with that "obedient" comment. Tell him he's projecting and when it's always someone's else's fault, it's HIM. No, don't. Just block him and and don't have contact. Yes and it wasn't the only time trying to gaslight me. When I questioned him why he changed from wanting me to go a whole weekend to going just for a couple of hours, he said he didn't say that! I insisted that yes he did say that, my hearing is 100% perfect. I don't want any more conversation with this person. He is the one who can go and find an "obedient" person who thinks he's a Greek god and puts up with everything he wants. I'm out. 2
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 So glad you're going to be the one for whom this change is a good one. He can just go back to being a tool and start all over trying to fool some other woman for sex. You can do much better. You gave him a chance. Yeah, several times during the relationship I felt he was just pretending to love me and care about me and was all for the sex. 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 That's what dating is all about. People are not showing you who they are usually in the beginning. Like you said, they're just trying to get what they want (with men, sex) and they can't keep up the good fake behavior and hope you'll just stick around once you find out they're not that person. I give you credit though; a lot of people would say "He's changed," but you were smart enough to realize this is who he always was and he hasn't changed and he was just acting and he's not going to be that guy you first dated because that was fake. I think the reason why I realized he didn't change and was actually just the mask that came off was because he was VERY clingy in the beginning and even smothering me to the point I felt suffocated. When I pointed that to him, he went from 100mph to 5mph, and that's when he started to reveal his true self. I should have broke up with him at that time, but anyway better now than after marriage and 10 kids. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 And that's exactly the way YOU should be, as well. You're far too available, for starters. Get the book, "Why Men Love B*tches." It's NOT about being a b*tch at all, it's about your EXACT situation - women being too available to men and how that negatively affects them. What you're doing - purposely being less available just so you don't look desperate - just feels like game playing, right? Well, the book promotes having your own full life (just like your boyfriend has) and having a man complement your life, NOT be the center of it. There's a big difference! She makes a lot of sense. Get the book. You won't be sorry. I disagree w/this a little. Of course you need something else in your life outside of your bf/partner. My partner is my center of attention, but we don't spend 24/7 together. When I have an exam, that takes priority and I'll spend a few less hours w/him. Just because we want to spend time together doesn't make us desperate, we just love each other's company. Men and women who aren't interested in you will never make time for you. Even if you make yourself less available, that'll make them even happier because they have more time to themselves. Playing that push and pull game won't give you a better relationship. If the person loves you, you don't have to make yourself less available for them to pay attention to you. I always had the issue of the man not wanting to spend time w/me, text me etc. I needed to find someone else, I did and now I'm happy. Find a man who loves you, problem solved.
angelfire138 Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 I'm late to this thread but you did the right thing. Someone like that will just get worse and worse as time goes on, and you got out before you got too emotionally invested or attached to him. Good for you! Just wanted to drop a note that my ex was like this. Consistently made his own plans, never invited me out with his coworkers, and very rarely, his friends. Only was on best behavior temporarily when I said I was going to leave him. I stayed with him for 7 years, and finally got the nerve to get out, and wish I had left earlier. He was always like that, even a few months in but I just ignored the red flags. So, I feel you! 1
Highndry Posted March 9, 2019 Posted March 9, 2019 I think the reason why I realized he didn't change and was actually just the mask that came off was because he was VERY clingy in the beginning and even smothering me to the point I felt suffocated. When I pointed that to him, he went from 100mph to 5mph, and that's when he started to reveal his true self. I should have broke up with him at that time, but anyway better now than after marriage and 10 kids. This was all sounding familiar so I checked you post history. Is this the same guy you twice before said you dumped? If so, what happened with that and why are you back with this clown?
preraph Posted March 9, 2019 Posted March 9, 2019 I think the reason why I realized he didn't change and was actually just the mask that came off was because he was VERY clingy in the beginning and even smothering me to the point I felt suffocated. When I pointed that to him, he went from 100mph to 5mph, and that's when he started to reveal his true self. I should have broke up with him at that time, but anyway better now than after marriage and 10 kids. Yes, he is the perfect example of why you always should stay on birth control until you're together for a long time and ready to marry. I'm just happy to hear you are not waivering and are DONE. I get sad for people on here who just go back in for more abuse. 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 9, 2019 Author Posted March 9, 2019 I'm late to this thread but you did the right thing. Someone like that will just get worse and worse as time goes on, and you got out before you got too emotionally invested or attached to him. Good for you! Just wanted to drop a note that my ex was like this. Consistently made his own plans, never invited me out with his coworkers, and very rarely, his friends. Only was on best behavior temporarily when I said I was going to leave him. I stayed with him for 7 years, and finally got the nerve to get out, and wish I had left earlier. He was always like that, even a few months in but I just ignored the red flags. So, I feel you! I've had a relationship with a similar person too before, that lasted several years. I don't know if that was also your case, but the reason I stayed for so many years was because my self-esteem and self-worth were pratically non- existent at the time. I was in "pleasing mode", and always thinking he's amazing and I just need to change and be perfect to accomodate his needs. I'm not in that place anymore. I have self-esteem and self-worth and fuc**** standards. I know what I want and have no problem in saying it out loud and ask for consistent respectful behavior. If they're not up to it, goodbye. But still, yes there were red flags in the very beginning I still ignored, and lesson learned about that too. I just want to move on now and have a healthy relationship with someone who's good for me. 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 9, 2019 Author Posted March 9, 2019 I disagree w/this a little. Of course you need something else in your life outside of your bf/partner. My partner is my center of attention, but we don't spend 24/7 together. When I have an exam, that takes priority and I'll spend a few less hours w/him. Just because we want to spend time together doesn't make us desperate, we just love each other's company. Men and women who aren't interested in you will never make time for you. Even if you make yourself less available, that'll make them even happier because they have more time to themselves. Playing that push and pull game won't give you a better relationship. If the person loves you, you don't have to make yourself less available for them to pay attention to you. I always had the issue of the man not wanting to spend time w/me, text me etc. I needed to find someone else, I did and now I'm happy. Find a man who loves you, problem solved. Yes, agree. Find a man who loves you through actions, not words. I'm glad you found someone and you're happy. Yes playing the push/pull game is not the way to have a healthy relationship. We don't need to be together 24/7, but when he plans and does things with other people and don't plan or do with you, something's wrong. Also, when he invites you to go the whole weekend with him to an event, you say yes, and then says for you to go just for lunch instead without any explanation, something's wrong too. Playing the push/pull game means you still want them and are emotionally invested and even desperate and want them to change. Or you can just simply be mature and realise he's the wrong person for you and save your energy for someone else who don't make you feel bad. I choose the second option.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 9, 2019 Author Posted March 9, 2019 Yes, he is the perfect example of why you always should stay on birth control until you're together for a long time and ready to marry. I'm just happy to hear you are not waivering and are DONE. I get sad for people on here who just go back in for more abuse. He even sent me a last message gaslighting again, saying I always have to have things my way and etc. He had things his way 99% of the time and everytime I say something, he got pis*** off. But yeah, it's me. I'm so relieved to be done with him. I have blocked his number and social media. 2
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 9, 2019 Author Posted March 9, 2019 This was all sounding familiar so I checked you post history. Is this the same guy you twice before said you dumped? If so, what happened with that and why are you back with this clown? Yes it is. I went back with this clown because I haven't reached my limit I guess. There were still a few things I needed to live and learn so I never go back with someone similar ever again. I'm done now. 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 9, 2019 Author Posted March 9, 2019 Also just want to thank everyone here that responded to me and helped me realize who he is and break up with him. I'm truly grateful for you guys. If I did one thing different this time in this relatiosnhip and learned, that I can take to my next one, is the fact that this time I handled it like an adult. I did play any games, I didn't play a tantrum when he didn't care, etc. I simply communicated loud and clear how I feel and what I want. Simple. And this is something I didn't use to do in my previous relationships. I guess this helped me grow and handle things in a more mature way. So, silver linings. 1
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