Gretchen12 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Did he ever ask you to drop everything to obey him? Did he ever say he owns you? I'm not sure if you were not the one with childhood problems. I'm sorry I don't meant to pick up on you, but it seems you were emotionally unavailable. And probably the same with my guy. No. I am not him. So some of this is misdirected. But hey! It's ok to pick on me. I am the problem. Childhood problems, adulthood problems. He was a really good guy. I mean it. It was my loss. I don't deserve him and I regret I lost someone so good. But you know, it's still a mismatch no matter who takes the blame. Just go at peace.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 7, 2019 Author Posted March 7, 2019 No. I am not him. So some of this is misdirected. But hey! It's ok to pick on me. I am the problem. Childhood problems, adulthood problems. He was a really good guy. I mean it. It was my loss. I don't deserve him and I regret I lost someone so good. But you know, it's still a mismatch no matter who takes the blame. Just go at peace. Well it wasn't meant to be I guess. And the fact that you have that awareness now about it is amazing. In my case, and what gets on my nerves is that this guy makes a big effort only when things are not ok, then goes back to who he really is. For example, if we have an argument, then he buys me gifts, takes me out somewhere nice, etc, but when things are good again, he goes back to his busy life and only being with me in the evening to have a meal and sleep when is convenient to him. To me the last straw was when after our last argument and because he wanted to show concern and lure me back, he said he was really worried about one of the brake lamps in my car is not working, and that if I want he'll go to the shop to buy a light bulb and replace it. I said thank you, but I'll take the car to the garage when I have got time. He insisted he will do that for me as he was VERY concerned. So this was 2 weeks ago and I haven't had the time yet to take my car to the garage. So and because things went back to be good between us, he never asked anything else about the brake light again, if I went to replace it or not. And then last Monday we met in the evening in a coffee shop and when went back to mine it was dark already. He followed my car in his car, and he clearly saw my brake light was not working yet. So he said NOTHING about it. Absolutely NOTHING! So he was soooooo concerned about it, completely forgot it and even when he saw it wasn't still working, he didn't give a sh**. That says a lot.
Gretchen12 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Well... the best thing for you is to not dwell on him having done you wrong. That kind of feeling eats away at you. Any negative feelings from past relationships is not good for your future. I see you two have argued so that probably means you gave him a piece of your mind. And dare I say going by what you said to me, you are not exactly unexpressive? I think it might help for you to write down in a letter all your grievances. I think you started some of that directed at me. You still have a lot to say. Write it all down but you need not send it. After you do that then let it go. Like you said, not meant to be.
MaleIntuition Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Hmmm... Is this the guy who proposed and took it back? And are you living together? What’s the full story here? Based on some of your other threads and your latest post it seems like you have very clear expectations on what you want from a relationship, yet you also seem unable to effectively take initiative towards working towards what you want..?The picture I’m getting is of someone whom is passively waiting for an invite and silently building resentment. Maybe your ideas of a good relationship are simply too far apart? Abd maybe you should practice being more proactive in the future..?
basil67 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 it's better he is like this than the clingy type who wants to spend every last minute with you... Men aren't binary. There's a whole lot of levels between being clingy and not being available.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 7, 2019 Author Posted March 7, 2019 Well... the best thing for you is to not dwell on him having done you wrong. That kind of feeling eats away at you. Any negative feelings from past relationships is not good for your future. I see you two have argued so that probably means you gave him a piece of your mind. And dare I say going by what you said to me, you are not exactly unexpressive? I think it might help for you to write down in a letter all your grievances. I think you started some of that directed at me. You still have a lot to say. Write it all down but you need not send it. After you do that then let it go. Like you said, not meant to be. The reason why we argued was because he is very insecure and doesn't like to discuss things. If I say I don't like something, or simply ask why, he immediately goes into fight or flight mode. It is draining dealing with someone like this.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 7, 2019 Author Posted March 7, 2019 Hmmm... Is this the guy who proposed and took it back? And are you living together? What’s the full story here? Based on some of your other threads and your latest post it seems like you have very clear expectations on what you want from a relationship, yet you also seem unable to effectively take initiative towards working towards what you want..?The picture I’m getting is of someone whom is passively waiting for an invite and silently building resentment. Maybe your ideas of a good relationship are simply too far apart? Abd maybe you should practice being more proactive in the future..? Yes is the same guy and no we're not living together. As I said on my previous post, this guy doesn't like to discuss things. Is not that I am passively waiting, but everytime I question something or say how I would like something, he goes into fight or flight mode.
basil67 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 The reason why we argued was because he is very insecure and doesn't like to discuss things. If I say I don't like something, or simply ask why, he immediately goes into fight or flight mode. It is draining dealing with someone like this. Three good reasons to end the relationship.
losangelena Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 God, are you dating my ex?? I could never bring up anything with him b/c it meant withdrawn silent treatment and then an apology and temporary best behavior. He, too, never seemed fully both feet in, and took him more than three months dating to even let me leave a toothbrush at his place. A toothbrush!? Like he expected me to be a pack mule and schlep my things to his place, where he was more than happy to let me stay all weekend. Feh, this kind of “relationship” is stressful, demeaning, and not worth it.
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Well think about what's not okay for you I am a fan of letting your man say when he wants to see you because it gives them autonomy and you autonomy without him having to pull away to get it And you can see when he naturally wants to see you on his own instead of guessing if they feel the same way. But if the time to see each other is too few for you then you speak up. You have to tell a guy what you want. Guys naturally do what they want and for women to not feel put upon or take advantage of then you have to communicate what would also make you happy in the relationship. Like for me I would have a problem if my boyfriend goes a whole week without seeing me without letting me know something is up before hand So I would say something I would have a problem if we only saw each once out of the week consistently and we not long distance So after about a month of that I would probably say something Figure out what it is you won't stand for and you communicate it sweetly. If he responds favorably then great. If he doesn't respond favorably you cut him loose. No arguing. No nagging. No begging. No telling him he is wrong for thinking differently than you. You just let him go because you already told him what you need from him and if he not feeling it then y'all are not aligned on what you need from a boyfriend versus what he wants to give. Simple as that. "Joe honey I notice it's been a week and we haven't spent time together. Can we fix that babe?" For example No games. You determine how long is too long to be away from each other or what is inconsiderate of your time. When he crosses that boundary you speak up. Give him the opportunity to correct. And if he is not willing to correct. You let him go.
preraph Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 He doesn't want to spend leisure time with you, but I bet he wants to have sex on demand, right? That may be all he cares about from you. 1
Highndry Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 He's just a selfish person, it has nothing to do with gender. You don't need to read a book to figure anything out. He is what he is. There are women just the same. He's never going to change, because that's who he is.
olivetree Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Tell me if I've got the wrong guy but... your relationship seems all over the place! Looking at your past threads, first he was smothering, then you were talking moving into together and marriage, then you broke up, and now he isn't treating you like a priority. It sounds like you have a push-pull dynamic which is very unfulfilling. You guys can't seem to maintain the right amount of connection and closeness to be truly satisfied. I'd let him go. He is too inconsistent and unstable. 1
preraph Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Yes is the same guy and no we're not living together. As I said on my previous post, this guy doesn't like to discuss things. Is not that I am passively waiting, but everytime I question something or say how I would like something, he goes into fight or flight mode. Clearly doesn't want any obligations.
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 You two don't date the same. You need to tell him some of what you told us & ask if he'd be willing to include you more when he's with others & if he will be better about planning in advance with you. Since he won't discuss things like an adult, this strategy might not work but at least you will know you tried. If things don't change you will be right; you are not a priority. What you do next is up to you.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 Ok so I asked him on the phone yesterday why the disinvite to his weekend event, asking me to go there just for a couple of hours when before he told me to go the whole weekend, and his answer was that he thought I would be busy that weekend... Please notice I didn’t tell him in any way before that I would be busy that weekend (or any weekend for that matter). I tod him that maybe instead of assuming, he can ask me if I’ll be busy or if I can go with him? Or just be honest and tell me he prefers to go on his own, which is totally fine. It just feels to me the ‘thinking I would be busy’ was just a lousy excuse and even makes me feel he thinks I’m stupid!? Someone who wants you to go simply asks ‘hey are you busy next weekend or can you go with me’? Simple. This is just sad really. 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 Tell me if I've got the wrong guy but... your relationship seems all over the place! Looking at your past threads, first he was smothering, then you were talking moving into together and marriage, then you broke up, and now he isn't treating you like a priority. It sounds like you have a push-pull dynamic which is very unfulfilling. You guys can't seem to maintain the right amount of connection and closeness to be truly satisfied. I'd let him go. He is too inconsistent and unstable. I’m beginning to realize he’s the kind of guy that puts in a lot of effort in order to lure someone in, to get what he wants, and then when he feels comfortable he goes back to who he really is: lazy and selfish. That’s why he invited me to lovely dates before and now only wants to hang around at home, not going out anymore. Also does a lot of promises he never fulfills. Then when I speak up then he makes a bit more of effort again, to then just go back again to lazyness and careless when he’s comfortable. Yes is a push-pull dynamic but because that’s who he is. He just wants an easy relationship on his own terms and without much effort. I can’t even imagine how it is to be married to someone like this!
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 I’m beginning to realize he’s the kind of guy that puts in a lot of effort in order to lure someone in, to get what he wants, and then when he feels comfortable he goes back to who he really is: lazy and selfish. That’s why he invited me to lovely dates before and now only wants to hang around at home, not going out anymore. Also does a lot of promises he never fulfills. Then when I speak up then he makes a bit more of effort again, to then just go back again to lazyness and careless when he’s comfortable. Yes is a push-pull dynamic but because that’s who he is. He just wants an easy relationship on his own terms and without much effort. I can’t even imagine how it is to be married to someone like this! Yea that's nice but what are you going to do about it? Are you going to have the lady balls to let him go and find someone who doesn't make you upset all the time? Or are you going to keep crying about something else you don't like about this guy on ls? When a guy shows himself to not be a good partner you shouldnt keep complaining about him if your just going to stay with him. Yeah he might be a lazy pos but you knew that after 1 month, 3 month, 6 months. So again I ask.... What are you going to do about it?
elaine567 Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 You cannot change him and he won't go back to the lovely guy who lured you in (they never do). He is who he is. You have now seen the warts and you don't like them. You either put up and shut up and be miserable sulking alone, or you spend a lifetime fighting to be heard and he ignores you anyway, or you say Adios Amigo and you go find someone who fits into your own way of life and makes you happy. Putting square pegs into round holes is a very tiring and unsatisfying occupation. 1
Gretchen12 Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 This is one for the break up section. There are some people who have already checked out of the relationship, and no longer care, but they don't initiate breakup. And the one who initiates talks and the breakup, the dumper, is actually the one who's still more emotionally invested. You feel you need to talk and decide and act and "move on" because you still care. The one who has already moved on doesn't mind hanging around.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 Yea that's nice but what are you going to do about it? Are you going to have the lady balls to let him go and find someone who doesn't make you upset all the time? Or are you going to keep crying about something else you don't like about this guy on ls? When a guy shows himself to not be a good partner you shouldnt keep complaining about him if your just going to stay with him. Yeah he might be a lazy pos but you knew that after 1 month, 3 month, 6 months. So again I ask.... What are you going to do about it? Well I'm going to do what I just did this morning. I told him everything about how I feel and what I want. How is not right for him to take all decisions and informing me of how things are going to happen, and then expect me to cave in with a smile. I want a relationship of equals, where he ASKS me (not informs me) if I want this or that, where he says what he wants, where I say what I want and we both together reach a compromise. That's a relationship to me. He used to say his ex was very controlling and like a dictator (taking all the decisions herself without any consideration to him), but that's how he is too! I told him I want consistency and I want the effort he does to lure me in to be consistent and not only on specific times. Well let's just say that his response was that he is not that person and that he hopes I find that person. In that we agree. End of story. 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 This is one for the break up section. There are some people who have already checked out of the relationship, and no longer care, but they don't initiate breakup. And the one who initiates talks and the breakup, the dumper, is actually the one who's still more emotionally invested. You feel you need to talk and decide and act and "move on" because you still care. The one who has already moved on doesn't mind hanging around. Agree. Please read my previous message. We broke up this morning. 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 You cannot change him and he won't go back to the lovely guy who lured you in (they never do). He is who he is. You have now seen the warts and you don't like them. You either put up and shut up and be miserable sulking alone, or you spend a lifetime fighting to be heard and he ignores you anyway, or you say Adios Amigo and you go find someone who fits into your own way of life and makes you happy. Putting square pegs into round holes is a very tiring and unsatisfying occupation. Agree. I've just said Adios Amigo this morning. Feeling relieved now to be honest. 3
stillafool Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 I'm sorry Panda that it ended this way but at least you won't be spinning your wheels with this guy anymore. You will find the right guy. 1
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