Should I try to again? Or just move on

[Phase_shift22]

Greetings,

 

About 8 months ago, I met a girl. We talked and dated for almost 2 months, but between certain chemistry issues between us (to be detailed below) and the fact I got busy with some family issues (parents got sick) we lost touch. It's been about 6 months since we talked, and I'd like everyone's advice if I should try to contact her and date her again or I should just move forward.

 

Specifically, we met online. When we first started talking she was travelling. We talked and texted for about a month before actually dating, which turned out to be a positive, since we got to know each other more than usual online first dates- less like a blind date, more like a "date" date. We continued to talk and went on a few more dates (dinner, movies, hiking, etc.).

 

In terms of positives, we seemed to both have similar views on life regarding family, career (we considered them important) as well as on money and being active. She was also quite intelligent, for the most part (more on that later) and also seemed quite mature- she seemed like she was looking for a genuine relationship rather than a "perfect" fairy tale (or a derivation of one). More importantly, we had pretty good chemistry- we talked for hours on end quite easily. Also, although she was smart and a bit of nerd, she was also quite girly and cute, which was an added plus.

 

More importantly, she seemed genuinely attracted to me- it seemed like our relationship was equal regarding interest or she was even more aggressive in pursuing me than I was her, which, to be frank, is not something I have really experienced before. Generally speaking, I have to do most of the pursuing/convincing that I am worthy of a relationship, with the girls I date which has had quite a bit more failure than success for me over the years. She also made quite a few comments on my attractiveness as a man which was, again, not something I usually get from girls, especially early on.

 

There were negatives about her, though. Specifically, she seemed to have a bit of low self-esteem/insecurity when it came to her own appearance or how she was perceived- on our first two dates, she spent a majority of the time talking about how her ex's or other men in her life had begrudged her for her looks or intellect. I understand everyone has an ax to grind in life, but I really wanted to learn more about her and get closer to her rather than hearing about the jerks that are no longer in her life.

 

Additionally, she was also the exact opposite of me in terms of political beliefs (I shall refrain from discussing affiliations to avoid turning this into a flame war about politics) and was also prejudiced against people who were middle eastern (I am part white and part middle eastern). While I would normally brand such a person a racist and refrain from contact, nowadays, such beliefs are more mainstream (unfortunately due to current events and politics) and thus I did not take it personally. Additionally, her beliefs seemed more based on ignorance than genuine hate. I should also mention that when she told me her beliefs, I let her know that I had middle eastern in me and my family to which she replied that it shouldn't be a problem "since I have a big heart."

 

As we dated more, whenever she told me negative things about her past I tried to reassure her that I thought she was beautiful (and did this by telling her jokes, bringing her roses, etc.); when she told me her prejudicial beliefs respectfully questioned how she came to the conclusions she had. And it seemed to start to have a bit of effect- she started to become a bit less negative/prone to making sweeping judgements on people and situations. She even apologized to me for initially telling me her beliefs on middle easterners (note, apologized for telling me, not the beliefs themselves) but I took it as a bit of progress that she seemed like she was putting in some effort to change.

 

That being said, the excessive negativity and the slow pace of her change started to wear me down. I felt like I was trying to melt a gallon of ice cream. Between that and my family emergency, it was just too much for me to handle at that time, and thus we lost touch.

 

Additionally, up until this girl, I had always lived by the rule of thumb "to date someone for who they are, rather than trying to change them into something different."

 

That being said, all people invariably change once in relationships. I can honestly say that for all her shortcomings, I haven't had a connection like that with a girl in quite a few years. Now that my family situation has improved and I have time for a relationship, I'm thinking about trying to contact her again.

 

So that's my story. What are your thoughts? Was the gap between us too much to overcome? Or is this more typical of how people come together as a couple? Should I try to reconnect with her or should I just move on?

 

Thanks in advance.

Edited March 7, 2019 by Phase_shift22

[d0nnivain]

I think the gap is too wide. My husband & I belong to different political parties but we're both pretty middle of the road so we're really not that far apart. The fact that she dislikes your heritage is a huge issue. Did you ever tell her your back ground? If you did & she softened her stance, OK, maybe, you can try again. If you kept this secret, don't even bother. She'll feel betrayed & once you start getting more serious, blending families & talking about the traditions in which to raise kids all those prejudices will become more real.

[Phase_shift22]

Additionally, her beliefs seemed more based on ignorance than genuine hate. I should also mention that when she told me her beliefs, I let her know that I had middle eastern in me and my family to which she replied that it shouldn't be a problem "since I have a big heart."

 

Yup, totally agree with you about not telling her, which is why I did. She seemed to soften her stance later on, stating that "as long as he or you don't impose your beliefs on me, I'm fine with it"

[smackie9]

 

 

the excessive negativity and the slow pace of her change started to wear me down.

This comment above is what you will be faced with again so no don't bother.

 

 

BTW reassuring her, or anyone for that matter, all the time about her insecurity enables the behavior....so stop doing that, you ain't helping them.

 

 

You are right you should date the person as they are and not try to change them BUT if you feel they need to change in order for you to date them, don't date them. Pretty simple stuff here.

[Versacehottie]

i think the gap is too wide on the differences you find between each other (values, intelligence/education, politics). Maybe even those things "could" be bridged with the right person, however, this is a person who is consistently negative. Additionally, that she doesn't respect your heritage is something that i think would cause resentment in either one of you or possibly both.

 

I think if you were attracted to her for her pros list, it's just that time has dulled you to remembering the cons list. Plus it sounds like you weren't finished figuring out if she was right for you when you had to help your parents. I think you would be settling to date her, as graciously as you worded it. I think eventually you would regret it and her faults would grow bigger in your eyes. Good luck

[Phase_shift22]

Thank you all for your advice.

 

Part of my issues with relationships in the past is at some points I can have standards that are too high, so I'm trying to be open minded. But open-mindedness has limits, which it seems this has exceeded.

 

Maybe even those things "could" be bridged with the right person, however, this is a person who is consistently negative.

 

Interestingly enough, she asked me one time "Do you think I am a negative person? Others have told me so." I told her no, but I guess I should have said differently.

 

BTW reassuring her, or anyone for that matter, all the time about her insecurity enables the behavior....so stop doing that, you ain't helping them.

 

What is a better strategy for dealing with this? Or is it something that I can even help them with (they have to realize it themselves)?

Edited March 8, 2019 by Phase_shift22

[Versacehottie]

I think even if you responded letting her "know" that she had a tendency to be negative, of course in the most diplomatic of way it would kick her back a notch where she had something to "work" for to impress you. I think that would be important in your situation since as you described it, i think she sounds like someone who looks down on others (even if she doesn't voice it, it's going on in her head or with bias or racism so there's that). It would probably do her some good to be humbled such as the truth about her negativity.

[spiderowl]

I am getting the impression that she did not change her beliefs about your background or heritage, but just said effectively you were an exception.

 

The fact that you said it was wearing you down, suggests to me that there was a war of attrition going on here. What makes you think that will not start up again?

 

Insecurity over looks is not a reason to stop dating someone, unless they are totally obsessive and spend all their time looking in mirrors or something. If they are just nervous about how their looks are perceived, you can be comforting and supportive.

 

Maybe it is worth finding out if it could work between you - not because I think it will (I have no knowledge of that) - but because otherwise you will always be wondering. I doubt it will work for long because you are likely to end up having to justify your beliefs and existence to her again, but maybe you are going to give it a try anyway.