Taryanoriley Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 So I’ve been with my bf for almost 2 years now. He is currently really depressed now s we haven’t seen eachother for about 2 weeks now. We used to see eachother on the weekends and I would sleep over his place. But now he’s depressed and all he does is work and then sleep. He also doesn’t have a green card and wants one and thought that I would help but I told him I won’t. And today I had a fight with him. I told him I want a relationship with a future and he said he doesn’t know what will happen in the future and then I said how he used to be obsessed with his ex and how I saw him save pictures of her on his laptop and always check her Instagram and I told him how that made me sad and I need to be number one in his heart not number 2. I don’t want to be with someone who is not over an ex. He didn’t respond. He broke up with her 7 months before we started dating and was with her and knew her throughout all of H.S so I knew he still ha feelings for her when we met.... it’s been almost 2 years and maybe he is over her but I still don’t know because the constant Instagram stalking of his ex is still going on because I saw his browser history before. He knows he is wrong. He always kept telling me that’s not his ex but I have facts and proof that it was and he kept lying . Guys idk what to do. He’s depressed, needs a green card which I won’t give to him and idk if he’s still obsessed with his ex because he told me many times he hates her and wants to do revenge to her because she cheated. Should I just leave this relationship? I feel bad for him because he is depressed but I’ve tried to help so many times and nothing is working and it’s stressing me out:( I feel guilty for being so blunt and telling him this while he’s depressed but I’m soo depressed myself because of this:(
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Yes, you should leave this relationship. There are many problems beyond depression here. What does he mean, he wants you to "give" him a green card? That he wants you to marry him? I am sure he realizes you have no authority to give him a green card. That is something the legal system grants, not you. You are wise not to marry him for this reason, in any case. He might be distancing himself because he wants to find another woman who will be his ticket to residency. Also, if you are convinced he's still in love with his ex, what are you still doing with him anyway? 1
Gretchen12 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 You don't have much choice because he is unavailable. He is emotionally unavailable because of the ex. He is mentally unavailable because of the depression and instability due to needing a green card. You are confusing sympathy with relationship. You don't have to be mean to him, and you can even be a supportive friend. You might even sleep with him if you choose. But he cannot be the kind of boyfriend you want because he just isn't available. One time I had to leave a man with depression. I felt bad for him and didn't want to abandon him. But it was no use. Instead of trying to save him, I went to do volunteer work at an organization to prevent suicides due to depression. Don't stay just because he is depressed. You're not irreplaceable. 1
Grey40 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Don’t know what to do? Sounds awful and it sounds like you already know what you want and that’s get the hell out of it. He’s not even a legal citizen which in today’s climate is not a great thing, and why be associated with that. 1
Author Taryanoriley Posted March 7, 2019 Author Posted March 7, 2019 Thank you so much for the advice guys!!!
Mrs._December Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 What part of this: I told him I want a relationship with a future and he said he doesn’t know what will happen in the future and then I said how he used to be obsessed with his ex and how I saw him save pictures of her on his laptop and always check her Instagram and I told him how that made me sad and I need to be number one in his heart not number 2. I don’t want to be with someone who is not over an ex..... And this: ...it’s been almost 2 years and maybe he is over her but I still don’t know because the constant Instagram stalking of his ex is still going on because I saw his browser history before.And this is 'confusing' for you? He always kept telling me that’s not his ex but I have facts and proof that it was and he kept lying .How is this stuff confusing? It's clear as day exactly who you're dealing with. A lying, cheating opportunist who sees YOU as his ticket to getting a green card and he's acting like a spoiled little baby and is pouting because you won't make it happen. I can pretty much guarantee you he'd only hang around as long as he legally had to in order to obtain that green card, then he'd be gone from your life so fast you'd have to FedEx his shadow to him the next day. Don't let yourself be used by this loser. Just be done with him. Who cares if he's 'depressed.' Sounds like he's just moping around like the self-entitled jack-hole he is because he'll be going back to his own country on the same floating door he came in on. 2
BaileyB Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 (edited) Why have you spent two years of your life dating a man who is still pining after his ex (as you believe)? What a waste of your time and your life. It’s not unreasonable for a man to expect that his partner of two years would be interested in getting engaged, or married, which would perhaps open the door to a fiancé visa. But seriously, if you are two years in and not interested in bringing this together because you don’t trust him... there are BIG problems here. Edited March 7, 2019 by BaileyB 1
smackie9 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 You invested in the wrong guy...next time do not over look those red flags....get out now. Say bye-bye stress! 1
Author Taryanoriley Posted March 7, 2019 Author Posted March 7, 2019 Thank you sooo much for the advice guys!!! We haven’t spoken since yesterday. He just didn’t respond to my texts and that’s it. The problem is it’s his birthday in 4 days and I already got him a gift and idk what to do:/ He took me out to see a show on my bday but then lied that he had to see his family member that day and went home straight after the show instead of spending time with me on my day and I’m still angry about that. What should I do guys? Not give him anything ?
Normm Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 I told him how that made me sad and I need to be number one in his heart not number 2. If you need to tell your partner this, then there's nothing to say. 1
Gretchen12 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 I vote go ahead and give him the gift. Sometimes with depression the person becomes unable to even get out of bed. They can shut down. So don't be angry. A girl friend stood me up recently because she has social anxiety and just couldn't do it last minute. I was mad at first then I forgave her. Your bday gift for him is a positive thing, we need more of that in this world. Do that for the joy of giving, but don't expect what he is incapable of doing. 1
smackie9 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 (edited) Thank you sooo much for the advice guys!!! We haven’t spoken since yesterday. He just didn’t respond to my texts and that’s it. The problem is it’s his birthday in 4 days and I already got him a gift and idk what to do:/ He took me out to see a show on my bday but then lied that he had to see his family member that day and went home straight after the show instead of spending time with me on my day and I’m still angry about that. What should I do guys? Not give him anything ? Break up with him, and either return the gift, keep the gift for yourself or regift it. You don't owe him anything. You need to stop caring for him, and think of yourself. Edited March 7, 2019 by smackie9 1
Author Taryanoriley Posted March 7, 2019 Author Posted March 7, 2019 Thank you everyone!! After reading everyone’s posts I’ve decided the best thing to do is to. I’ve on and start fresh and to stop feeling bad for someone who doesn’t even feel bad for me . 1
Author Taryanoriley Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 I finally just broke up with him. He told me he can’t even take care of himself now and he’s not ready for marriage. He didn’t want break up though but I said this relationship is toxic if you can’t take care of yourself then you shouldn’t be in a relationship and focus on yourself and he just said good luck told me to pick up my stuff and I told him to throw it away and that was it. I feel guilt and feel sad because he’s deprerssed but this whole relationship brought me down. Thank you for all the advice guys !! 1
TheFinalWord Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 I don't know how old you are, but I think you are way too young to waste your youth on this guy. His depression is not your fault. The green card is not your fault. The ex-stalking is his fault. It's just disrespectful and I think it's natural to maybe check every few years on exes because at one time they were an important person in your life. Who can resist the curiosity when you can find out on social media in a few clicks. It's one thing to check out of curiosity, but doing it compulsively means he has not healed from it. I doubt he wants her back, but he does want to see her fail and be miserable....a sort of indirect revenge. However, he'll never get that with social media because most people only post positive things about their lives and present things through rose colored glasses. I would say you need to get out of this if you are unhappy. You want him to be obsessed over you the way he is with his ex. But he can't do that because he's obsessed because he can't have her. When we go through a break up, even if logically we know the person is not good for us (she cheated), the fact we want what we can have is what drives the obsession. He has you, so he's not obsessed. Also, this woman invalidated his ego and he has tied his ego to her, instead of being his own mental point of origin. In short, you aren't going to have him worshiping you and in all honesty, women don't want a man that makes them the center of their universe. That type of behavior is probably why the ex cheated in the first place. 1
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Ya he wanted you to stay for the wrong reasons...and they are not healthy ones at that. You did good. I wish you much happiness 1
Author Taryanoriley Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 Ya he wanted you to stay for the wrong reasons...and they are not healthy ones at that. You did good. I wish you much happiness Thank you for the advice and thank you everyone! He also just blocked me everywhere on social media, I feel like the bad guy now but oh well:/
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Thank you for the advice and thank you everyone! He also just blocked me everywhere on social media, I feel like the bad guy now but oh well:/ That's how he wants you to feel. It's obvious he doesn't understand what he has put you through, like it everyone elses fault not his. He won't get better until he realizes he's the problem. 1
Author Taryanoriley Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 That's how he wants you to feel. It's obvious he doesn't understand what he has put you through, like it everyone elses fault not his. He won't get better until he realizes he's the problem. Thank you! You guys are helping me feel better! It’s just sad how I waste almost 2 years with someone I knew wasn’t right for me from the get go. There were red flags from day one... He said I love you after 3 dates, kept wanting to meet my family and wanted to come over my family’s house(which I realized that was for him to try to win me over to help him get a green card). Also I saw the tinder and bumble app installed on his phone a hand full of times but he always lied and made some excuse. Also added the girls from the apps to his Snapchat and I always forgave him. I’ve reached my boiling point now. He put me through so much stress, I had to leave as soon as I saw tinder on his phone but my stupid low self esteem and feeling bad for him made me stay:(
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Well what knowledge you gain from this experience will help you choose a more fulfilling relationship next time. Things will only get better from here 2
Author Taryanoriley Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 Well what knowledge you gain from this experience will help you choose a more fulfilling relationship next time. Things will only get better from here Thank you so so much!!!!
Lotsgoingon Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Depressed people need to work on their depression ... a friend can't do that ... a lover can't do that ... A depressed person needs to get to therapy ... using multiple therapists if the results are poor with the first one ... and the depressed person needs to get to a really good psychiatrist who can recommend and prescribed meds ... No one ever dumped me when I was depressed ... but I certainly wore down one gf ... later, she expressed how exhausted she was hearing my depression negativity for hours and hours ... Funny: looking back, she was the worst possible person to share my thoughts with ... If you must, then encourage him to go get help ... and to try out different help to push that depression into remission ... but he's got to do that. Depression kills relationships. 1
TheFinalWord Posted March 8, 2019 Posted March 8, 2019 Thank you for the advice and thank you everyone! He also just blocked me everywhere on social media, I feel like the bad guy now but oh well:/ You're not the bad guy. I think it's best to block so you can completely cut contact. I know it will be hard, but give you self time to grieve and then get back out there. I wouldn't let him back in because now you can't trust him. He may just be all about the green card. He's shown his true colors... 1
Author Taryanoriley Posted March 8, 2019 Author Posted March 8, 2019 Depressed people need to work on their depression ... a friend can't do that ... a lover can't do that ... A depressed person needs to get to therapy ... using multiple therapists if the results are poor with the first one ... and the depressed person needs to get to a really good psychiatrist who can recommend and prescribed meds ... No one ever dumped me when I was depressed ... but I certainly wore down one gf ... later, she expressed how exhausted she was hearing my depression negativity for hours and hours ... Funny: looking back, she was the worst possible person to share my thoughts with ... If you must, then encourage him to go get help ... and to try out different help to push that depression into remission ... but he's got to do that. Depression kills relationships. Thank you for your advice!!! I’ve helped him so so much and he does see a therapist and might take meds soon but I’m so drained because I’m such a caring empathic person, so I feel everything he feels. I also suffer from anxiety and depression so it just drains me:(
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