Sea12 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Hi, I’m 28 and my partner is 38. We are a gay couple who have been together for 3 years. Our relationship has been great, but one thing I struggle with is the lack of affection, intimacy and sex, and it’s something that I can’t stop thinking about. When I’m alone it’s always on my mind, I’ve been up for nearly an hour now, it’s 5.40am, just because I’ve woke up and the first thing that’s on my mind is that. It can be difficult talking to my partner about this kind of stuff because he’s very defensive and closed off. I’ve tried to bring it up before, over text, and every time the response is along the lines of ‘that’s how I am, I’m not interested in sex, I’m not an affectionate person.’ A time when we spoke about it before, he said he believed his part of his past relationships failed due to this, which makes me wonder why he doesn’t want to change or try to get help or change. My sex drive is high, and his is almost non existent and sometimes he’ll make a comment like for me to just go and relieve myself and not bother him, “I can’t be bothered.” Also things like just little kisses and cuddles, nice comments. In the time we’ve been together, he has never told me in person that he loves me. He has said this in cards, texts and shown me that he does, but I don’t know.. I suppose I am feeling very insecure and I’m questioning everything. I have told him I loved him but no response really. This is my first real relationship, I came out late and met him a year after I came out. I had a little sexual experience where he had years in the gay scene, going out partying and having sex with lots of different people. This doesn’t bother me, I understand he has a past and that’s fine... but I’m hurt when he will talk about things in his past to do with this, just because none of this is happening with me. I don’t know if I’m being ‘unreasonable’ by feeling like this, but these are the feelings I’m feeling. Lately we’ve been talking about the possibility of moving in together and taking that next step in our relationship and lives, but there’s just this one part of me which isn’t happy and always thinking ahead, so is it going to be the same in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? I’m just finding it difficult to try and bring up, I’m sick of worrying and losing sleep over it, but I can’t find it in myself to talk about it with him... I’m worried for the worst I suppose. I don’t want to feel like I’m bothering or nagging or keep bringing it up. Has anyone got any advice to offer?
guy45 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 I had a relationship once where she didn't show me any affection. I then realized that its no different than a friendship. What you have is similar to a friendship. They will not change. You can find a way better person out there.
2much4 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 After 3 years it's unlikely he's going to change. You're not happy and if you need a more affectionate partner you deserve to find one. You wouldn't be lying awake at night thinking about it if you could live with it. Affection is something that should happen spontaneously...if you try to force him to do it...it won't feel good. I'd try to find someone more compatible. 1
soyou Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 This is how a healthy relationship sounds like. I think you should consider leaving your BF. Being able to show affection plays a big part in a fulfilling relationship. But this is missing. I also do not like how he responded back to your need 1) Defensive and closed off 2) Showed that he didnt care This person will bring you more unhappiness than happiness. Leave him! There will be a loving person somewhere out there waiting for you but you need to do this HARD first step - LEAVE HIM! 1
Hopeful30 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Try to remember that his lack of affection is not a reflection of your relationship (or you). It's a reflection of his 'love language'. Some people just aren't affectionate and demonstrate their love and commitment in other ways. If this is something that affects your ability to fully enjoy and benefit from the relationship, then it may be time to accept you aren't as compatible as you originally thought (and there is nothing wrong with that). 1
smackie9 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 You shouldn't try to get what you want from him if he's not willing to give it. Go find someone that will right? Doesn't that make more sense? Do yourself a favor and leave him. You will be much happier.
elaine567 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 He's not 18 he is 38, his patterns of behaviour in a relationship will be hard ingrained, so expecting change is not realistic. He is doing what he has learned over the years works for him If affection, touch and sex are important to you, then this man is not your man. Dating is not about finding someone and hoping they will miraculously change into the person you really want. Dating is about seeking out a person who ticks most of your boxes. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 (edited) So ... I'll be blunt ... I think your confidence has been hurt by coming out late perhaps? ... But ... here are a few truths. 1. You take someone as they are right now--do not assume they will change one micro-inch ... This is not going to suddenly become affectionate ... or able to say "I love you" easily. 2. Your bf is simply not a good fit for you. Literally that's the wording I use these days when thinking about relationships ... because thinking in terms of "a good fit" takes the judgment out of it. No one is "bad." Sometimes people in your position get thwarted because they think they're going to hurt their partner if they initiate a break up. No, find a good fit. This guys is a TERRIBLE fit for you. He's not a terrible person--he clearly must have some great qualities. Fine. But he doesn't have the qualities YOU need and want in a romantic partner. 3. You want and need a relationship with someone who is affectionate. Do NOT compromise there. That's fundamental. There are plenty of affectionate people in the world. I have never seen a relationship gay or straight ... in which the person in your position--not getting even basic affection--was happy. 4. As you date in future, you want to screen for this absence of affection. Ideally, as soon as your bf said he wasn't interested in sex, you want to say, "well this isn't going to work for me. I wish you well." Bottom line ... you need to dump this guy. He's not going to change ... Change takes years and decades ... And ... he's not just closed off sexually; he's closed off emotionally as well. That's a double-whammy. Literally, you picked one of the worst people you could date ... Don't worry. Lots of us do this when we first date. My first gf was not quite as bad as your bf. But close ... It was so painful and frustrating being with her. But I didn't have the confidence to face the truth--she wasn't a good fit for me. Thinking long term, you might consider therapy. Because there is likely a reason you literally gravitated towards the worst possible partner. You probably aren't good at confrontation, saying no, being in your own space. Most likely one or both of your parents were distant like this guy ... and you need unlearn comfort with distant people. (Our families affect us unconsciously ... even if we can see their flaws. Therapy is the process that helps us get out of these habits formed with family.) Good luck. Dump this ... Yesterday ... And if you feel guilty, think of this: HE will be happier as well with a partner who is closed like him ... who isn't unhappy with his being so emotionally closed ... And the longer stay, the more resentful you'll get. Start making your way towards the exits. Edited March 7, 2019 by Lotsgoingon
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