Redguitar35 Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 Met this girl on a dating app and we’ve been chatting a couple weeks. She lives around fifty miles away and wants to come over and hangout over the weekend. She doesn’t seem to have much going for her though. She’s 29, has no job (had to ask a few time before she’d divulge that) lives with her mom and doesn’t have a car of her own (she said she’s going to borrow her moms that weekend). She talks about almost nothing but her dogs. Something about all this doesn’t feel right to me. I feel like there must be something weird going on there that would prevent someone that age from being independent. But I can’t put my finger on it. I’m thinking of canceling. What do you make of all this? Is there a way to politely ask what’s going on?
Wallysbears Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 I wouldn't even be talking to anyone that was unemployed and lived with their parents. Nothing about that seems like it has a future. 2
Happy Lemming Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 Something about all this doesn’t feel right to me. That is the little voice in your head warning you about this person. Listen to it. Every time I didn't listen to my "little voice" bad things happened. 1
Mrs._December Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 The world is full of single ladies in their late 20's. If she were the only one available because you both lived on a deserted island in the South Pacific and there was no one else for thousands of miles, I might say, "ahhh, what the hell...see what happens." But it ain't the South Pacific and you're not isolated from other people, and she isn't your only opportunity. Sounds as though this girl is looking to be taken care of - along with her dogs - by the first guy stupid enough to do it. Don't be that guy. 1
Author Redguitar35 Posted March 6, 2019 Author Posted March 6, 2019 I wouldn't even be talking to anyone that was unemployed and lived with their parents. Nothing about that seems like it has a future. This was really only ever going to be a hookup/nsa thing for me anyway, but the weirdness and lack of clarity about her personal life make it not seem worth it. If she’s a psychopath that’s incapable of taking care of herself independently I’d obviously rather not invite someone like that into my house. 1
smackie9 Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 People lie to hide their cheating......she's doing this behind someones back. 1
preraph Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 Don't get that started. She's just one of the new type of people who has no ambition and never leaves home. What will happen to these people when their parents die????? Just tell her no, you met someone, sorry.
olivetree Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 I don't think it sounds suspicious... just unattractive. 2
some_username1 Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 Disappointing albeit not surprising to see her written off for not having a job and living with her parents. Mind you I was similarly judgemental until I got laid off out of the blue and spent a year looking for work despite never having had a problem before. It was a real eye opener in how your previous exemplary work history counts for nothing- nobody owes you a job and people will readily assume that your values are the same as someone who has never worked in their life. And yes, you do become evasive about your employment status because you have to deal with people trying to make you feel worse about it than you already do yourself. So if I were looking to date this girl and felt that there was compatibly in all other aspects I would at least be looking to understand why she was unemployed and what her plan was to overcome that...but if you are only after a hook-up OP I would give it a wide berth as unemployment can really knock your confidence without throwing being pumped and dumped into the mix too. 2
maxi105 Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 r/guitar.... if its just on the work front that this is causing you problems, then if im honest i i think its a bit sad that someone can be totally dismissed on the grounds they dont have work. thinking or rather assuming that there must be somethign weird going on just because someone may not have had the fortune to have employment stability at this time is for me part of whats commonly lacking in today's often disposable, high expectant, easily brain washed by the media's social ideals, and shallow world - where is the empathy and understanding for someone you have not even met yet! you might find out that this person is highly qualified, they might be the ones that have big hearts worked on and off because they didn't go to the right school and employers want the grads whos parents have all the dough to send them private collages, it may be that they were taken over by another company buyout and lots of people in the state are without jobs now.may be theyve been screwed over by bosses only wanting new p/t workers every few months as some kind of dodge. life doesnt always throw the stuff you want! even the rich and famous have thier problems. the one thing that makes it quesionable for me is whether someone 50 miles away ( you included!!!!!) will have a long term committed relationship. this person has been honest with you and may be ashamed of not working right now...due to many (but not all) people's assumptions and negative perceptions of someone unemployed. you might meet someone well groomed, politely spoken and funny that is a jerk, has several parners at once, may be a coke head as they have a great income or may be all swagger but really a thief or abuser etc... if she talks abotu nothing but the dogs, maybe she doesnt have that much to discuss, but have you tried to talk about anything else, or have you been honest enough with her to tell her that you'd appreciate if she'd boraden her topic out....if you havent talked to her about the dogs, then part of me doesnt think its fair for you to mention it if you havent tried sort this already. she is making all the effort, but is she aware that you are judgin her in this way? i can think she is not! she is giving you a chance too!!! she is prepared to borrow a car to come see you (which is goin to cost gas which she probably cant afford), so maybe if you are wanting to hook up with her cut her some slack. not working isnt ideal for her im sure and ill bet she'd love to be in work. if you are still not sure then be honest with her but kind, she probably has a low esteem knowing that she doesnt have extra funds to fall on. sure there are some that really dont want to work, but from what really little i pick up in this post, she dont sound like one of em. maybe for this one (if you want to meet her) put yourself in her shoes, she already must have experienced many times people that no nothign about her judgin her and not prepared to even give her a chance. i can understand why she wouldnt want to say she was out of work, and in a way having to drag that out of her isnt really teh best way. if you are bothered by peoples financial status, tehn maybe you need to put that in your profile on the app or inbox or whatever so people know what you are about. sorry if this comes over sharp. but its honest. i try to take people as i find them in the real world. its truw what they say about judgin people too quickly in life, you dont always know what folks are about.try to be honest with her about the dogs and her situation, and if you still dont think its worth it then be kind if nothing else to her. she may be a lovely person and if she is and you meet up, then you have a chance to do something on that date that doesnt involve dogs. its easy to knock others who are in a difficult or more unfortunate situation when we have enough or the right contacts that can get us places, but she is someone that actually wants to meet people...as do you... even the most high flying jobs depending on the cirucmstances these days are not guaranteed 100% safe for life!!!!! im sure if you lost your job and struggled to find work for a while you would start to lose confidence, especailly once your savings were running out and your comfort zone and options finacially were drying up. once your job goes, often a lot of other stuff falls too as you dont have the cash or networks to keep in the game. if you have been gettin on fine with this gal, give her a chance. if once you meet if you give her a chance and you feel it wont go further then at least you gave her a moment to look forward to. apps are fine up to a point but youre going to have to meet people in the real world sooner or later!!!!! ,maybe if youd met her in the real world you wouldnt be needing to write in because you would be able to see and talk to her properly. see ya.maxi.
kendahke Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 Met this girl on a dating app and we’ve been chatting a couple weeks. She lives around fifty miles away and wants to come over and hangout over the weekend. She doesn’t seem to have much going for her though. She’s 29, has no job (had to ask a few time before she’d divulge that) lives with her mom and doesn’t have a car of her own (she said she’s going to borrow her moms that weekend). She talks about almost nothing but her dogs. Something about all this doesn’t feel right to me. I feel like there must be something weird going on there that would prevent someone that age from being independent. But I can’t put my finger on it. I’m thinking of canceling. What do you make of all this? Is there a way to politely ask what’s going on? Probably not and most likely, she wouldn't tell you the truth anyway. She's either a trust fund baby or she has some issues going on that precludes her from getting a job and standing on her own two feet. I wouldn't deal with her. Probably why she's on the dating site to begin with. I'm shocked she wasn't trying to catfish you...
Author Redguitar35 Posted March 6, 2019 Author Posted March 6, 2019 Disappointing albeit not surprising to see her written off for not having a job and living with her parents. Mind you I was similarly judgemental until I got laid off out of the blue and spent a year looking for work despite never having had a problem before. It was a real eye opener in how your previous exemplary work history counts for nothing- nobody owes you a job and people will readily assume that your values are the same as someone who has never worked in their life. And yes, you do become evasive about your employment status because you have to deal with people trying to make you feel worse about it than you already do yourself. So if I were looking to date this girl and felt that there was compatibly in all other aspects I would at least be looking to understand why she was unemployed and what her plan was to overcome that...but if you are only after a hook-up OP I would give it a wide berth as unemployment can really knock your confidence without throwing being pumped and dumped into the mix too. The only mention she’s made to me of her future employment plans is “possibly” in her words babysitting which is something a teenager would do, not a 30 year old woman. It’s not so much the financial picture, there’s something negative here that’s stunted her development. Either something in her past or something ongoing. She’s hasn’t been upfront about what that is, so we’re left to speculate.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 I would guess she has a mental or emotional disability that makes her unable to hold down a job or support herself.
greymatter Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 Since you are only looking for hookups, meet her at a cheap motel at the halfway point between your homes. Problem solved.
mightybop Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 Meet up with her in public just to see what's actually going on with her, then report back? At least she's offering to drive to you.
spiderowl Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Whatever her circumstances, I doubt she'd want to meet someone who would write her off as nsa so quickly.
Gretchen12 Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 There's a difference between "she never left home" and "her mother lives with her". I don't look down on women who want to be homemakers, raise children. She's a bit older but maybe an earlier relationship did not work out. The bottom line is you are looking for a woman who has income. It's important to you so you should state that on your profile. You must know what you need. You need a woman who is employed and you can also think about what is the minimum income you would accept. Then you don't waste time.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 I wouldn't even be talking to anyone that was unemployed and lived with their parents. Nothing about that seems like it has a future. Agree for sure! I dated a guy long distance who had odd jobs, no college or plans of college and lived at home. I live at home, but I'm employed and have a degree. This guy was BROKE! Surprising as he had absolutely no bills and could save up money by working a min wage job. He was lazy, complained about being broke, then gave excuses for why he couldn't work for x or y job. You don't sound compatible. You want a partner, not a child to look after and support.
greymatter Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 Agree for sure! I dated a guy long distance who had odd jobs' date=' no college or plans of college and lived at home. I live at home, but I'm employed and have a degree. This guy was BROKE! Surprising as he had absolutely no bills and could save up money by working a min wage job. He was lazy, complained about being broke, then gave excuses for why he couldn't work for x or y job. You don't sound compatible. You want a partner, not a child to look after and support.[/quote'] He is not looking for a partner. He only wants a hookup/NSA sex and that is all women are good for to him. That is why I suggested a motel hookup. He is not interested in a relationship.
chillii Posted March 7, 2019 Posted March 7, 2019 (edited) That is the little voice in your head warning you about this person. Listen to it. Every time I didn't listen to my "little voice" bad things happened. Yeah , me to , yet sometimes it's blurred , damn voice. Anyway op , you don't need a voice or suspicions , what to suspect she's unemployed no car living with mummy and broke, seems pretty clear to me. lf your ok with all that go for it. Edited March 7, 2019 by chillii
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