Did I Make the Right Decision

[AussieGuy2018]

Hi all,

 

I had been seeing this girl for 5-6 weeks and everything had been going great, actually better than great. We were in constant communication and I’m talking like 40+ texts a day even though we both work. We got on really well, our dates had been fun and she had told me that she had told her family and friends about me, so I really thought I was looking at a successful beginning of a relationship.

 

The relationship moved quite slowly and she stayed over this past weekend and we finally slept together...let’s just say my performance wasn’t up to scratch. I felt like we had waited too long and hence I thought about it too much and really wanted it to be great instead of living in the moment. I knew for a week she was staying over so I think I put way too much pressure on. Anyways we had plans the next day to spend it together and get out of town, but I could definitely feel there was something off about her the whole day and she went periods of not talking and we slept completely apart, which was the complete opposite to previous times spooning.

 

When we said our goodbyes at the end of the day, we had a small kiss and that was it. I haven’t heard from her since and it’s been three days and I haven’t contacted her. Considering we were sending 40+ texts a day I am assuming we have ghosted each other?

 

There are a few reasons why I haven’t contacted her...

 

- every date we’ve been on I’ve paid, which is fine but there has never been an offer to buy a single drink from her. This has annoyed me quite a bit.

- she’s from another country and has less than a year on her visa...although she says she wants to stay long term, it’s risky to put in the time and effort for her to leave at anytime back to her home country.

- she’s not well educated, which isn’t a problem but she hasn’t got any ambition and her spelling/grammar is frustrating (not sure if I’m picky here)

- she can be a little hot and cold and has said she doesn’t make the first move, which again is fine, but I feel at times there has to be first moves from both sides.

- At times I have found her really hard to read and she has said the same about me.

- I Haven’t gotten many compliments from her at all even though I tell her she looks great etc all the time. The only compliments I’ve gotten is about our fun dates

- I think she can be a little cut throat and her attitude after Saturday night quite annoyed me too, we probably should’ve spoken about it the next day, but neither of us did.

 

So after all this, have I made the right decision to not make contact and let this one go? Maybe it’s the going cold turkey and what happened Saturday night is why I’m still thinking about her? Or are my reasons valid enough to stay away? My friends have said I’ve made the right decision based on the above.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions would be great. My gut feel is I’ve made the right decision, but I just don’t know for certain.

[frus69]

Does she have a practical way to actually stay long term?

[AussieGuy2018]

Does she have a practical way to actually stay long term?

 

She would have to be sponsored through her workplace, which is no guarantee and she is from a big family and says that’s what she misses the most. So there’s a few risky reasons where she could decide to go home at any stage.

[chillii]

For a start this stuff insn't performance , not you or her.

lt's suppose to be about love if there is any or at least fun and intimacy and we get nervous they get nervous and there's bad times, females and males. Some girls are the worst ever to begin with , means nothing and it should be perfectly understandable by both.

 

Your decision, man there ain't a whole lot of positives or much feeling in the way you've talked about her there and she cert doesn't sound like much of a catch at all with her attitudes and the way she treats you.

Personally l'd be letting this one go as the saying these days go , you deserve better and would have no problems being treated a lot better than that by someone else who's genuine.

Her feelings also just don't sound right, cold actually.

 

Anyway good luck.

Edited March 6, 2019 by chillii

[frus69]

She would have to be sponsored through her workplace, which is no guarantee and she is from a big family and says that’s what she misses the most. So there’s a few risky reasons where she could decide to go home at any stage.

 

You said she isnt very educated? So what kind of work does she do and can it really sponsor her? I'm just not sure any employer is willing to sponsor someone with a low(er) end job. Any chance she could be hoping you to get her a visa?

 

Im just speculating. Maybe she's not. But from "not paying for anything" to "comes from a big family" to "not well educated" just gives me...doubts.

[AussieGuy2018]

For a start this stuff insn't performance , not you or her.

lt's suppose to be about love if there is any or at least fun and intimacy and we get nervous they get nervous and there's bad times, females and males. Some girls are the worst ever to begin with , means nothing and it should be perfectly understandable by both.

 

Your decision, man there ain't a whole lot of positives or much feeling in the way you've talked about her there and she cert doesn't sound like much of a catch at all with her attitudes and the way she treats you.

Personally l'd be letting this one go as the saying these days go , you deserve better and would have no problems being treated a lot better than that by someone else who's genuine.

Her feelings also just don't sound right, cold actually.

 

Anyway good luck.

 

Maybe she was expecting me to bring Saturday night up and talk about it or maybe she’s just cut throat? I think because I haven’t contacted her and hasn’t me, there’s confused thoughts as to what’s really going on?

 

Her attitude towards me in text was really positive and she’s say nice things, but in person she was hot and cold, which is kinda frustrating and stressful.

I think I’ll listen to my gut feel and let this one slide I think

[Gretchen12]

ALL of the reasons you listed for not contacting her, were already there before you slept with her this past weekend.

 

You are that guy who acted all into her and then as soon as you slept with her suddenly you lose interest and you've now got a list of reasons why she's not right for you.

 

Why did you do this? What goes on in that mind? I'd really like to know.

[AussieGuy2018]

You said she isnt very educated? So what kind of work does she do and can it really sponsor her? I'm just not sure any employer is willing to sponsor someone with a low(er) end job. Any chance she could be hoping you to get her a visa?

 

Im just speculating. Maybe she's not. But from "not paying for anything" to "comes from a big family" to "not well educated" just gives me...doubts.

 

You don’t have to be educated to do the job she has and apparently they’ve sponsored people before. I don’t think she was after a VISA...in regards to not offering to pay for anything while we were dating, she goes out and drinks with friends and dinner etc all the time, except when we were together. She even bought a couple of items of clothing when we went out of town for the day, but didn’t even offer to buy a drink at the pub we went to *

I just think I was used to the constant communication and how fun our dates were and potentially ignored all the possible red flags?

[AussieGuy2018]

ALL of the reasons you listed for not contacting her, were already there before you slept with her this past weekend.

 

You are that guy who acted all into her and then as soon as you slept with her suddenly you lose interest and you've now got a list of reasons why she's not right for you.

 

Why did you do this? What goes on in that mind? I'd really like to know.

 

I am not that guy who slept with her and then lost interest. It was her attitude the day after and her willingness to not offer to pay for anything and act hot and cold, particularly the day after that made me realise that maybe I can’t ignore the possible issues I had with her.

 

For what it’s worth, if I’d lost interest, I wouldn’t be asking for advice and help would I? Her whole demeanour and attitude changed after the “performance issue” night.

[frus69]

Was it a terrible terrible performance or something? I have never experienced sex that was so bad that I never want to see the guy again..If a guy just can't get up for some reason, I think most women will at least still give him another chance.

[Gretchen12]

Oh ok I get it now. You had the performance issue which made you feel bad and you wanted more attention after you had sex and you're feeling a bit hurt. So that list you made of her negatives was partly to convince yourself she's no good anyway.

Men are hard to understand because they have complex feelings but they're not good at sorting them out, let alone talk about it, and some men even think it is weak to feel.

I'm not sure it's over. If she now starts showering you with attention, you'll go back, because you want attention. But you are sensitive, so you will feel the hot and cold.

[AussieGuy2018]

Was it a terrible terrible performance or something? I have never experienced sex that was so bad that I never want to see the guy again..If a guy just can't get up for some reason, I think most women will at least still give him another chance.

 

The performance issue was exactly that...but we did have foreplay etc before we tried to have sex. Maybe she was feeding off me the next day and I was a little quieter than usual, maybe she’s cut throat and thought that’s it then?

 

Just confused on how to proceed or let it go? It’s been three days, is it too late to contact her?

[chillii]

Yeah , still doesn't sound right though and it should take a helluva lot more than one off especially first night to turn real feelings cold.

lf your unsure or wanna give it more time though you could always break some ice and drop her a lighthearted text about the sitch.

Then again she could snub you in the mood she's in, dunno.

personally l still think her ways and treatment wouldn't get much better.

[frus69]

The performance issue was exactly that...but we did have foreplay etc before we tried to have sex. Maybe she was feeding off me the next day and I was a little quieter than usual, maybe she’s cut throat and thought that’s it then?

 

Just confused on how to proceed or let it go? It’s been three days, is it too late to contact her?

 

Ok to address your red flags:

1. Tell her if would be nice if she pays sometimes, and see her reactions. She might think you want to pay. In some cultural guys always pay. But if she still thinks you should always pay after the talk, assess if you are ok with it.

2. Do you believe she has the ability to stay?

3. So she likely will work low end job her whole life or even stop working altogether/wont make decent money, assess if you are ok marrying this kind of woman.

4-7 all her attitude problems. Again communicate and let her know. If she doesnt want to change, assess if you can accept that.

 

Now your performance. I have a real story. A guy I slept with is too small to get in but he thought he was just under performing and I was too tight. That is the only guy I never saw after one (failed) sex. Not saying you are too small, but sometimes, problem may be more than just "cant get hard", and a woman could possibly just walk away. However if you know you normally are decent in bed, you can text her again because she maybe waiting for you to text. I always wait for the guy to text after sex to see he isnt bailing.

[AussieGuy2018]

Ok to address your red flags:

1. Tell her if would be nice if she pays sometimes, and see her reactions. She might think you want to pay. In some cultural guys always pay. But if she still thinks you should always pay after the talk, assess if you are ok with it.

2. Do you believe she has the ability to stay?

3. So she likely will work low end job her whole life or even stop working altogether/wont make decent money, assess if you are ok marrying this kind of woman.

4-7 all her attitude problems. Again communicate and let her know. If she doesnt want to change, assess if you can accept that.

 

Now your performance. I have a real story. A guy I slept with is too small to get in but he thought he was just under performing and I was too tight. That is the only guy I never saw after one (failed) sex. Not saying you are too small, but sometimes, problem may be more than just "cant get hard", and a woman could possibly just walk away. However if you know you normally are decent in bed, you can text her again because she maybe waiting for you to text. I always wait for the guy to text after sex to see he isnt bailing.

 

All of the above is something I definitely have to think about and you’ve provided some good advice to ponder over.

 

As far as the performance goes, it’s not something that has happened on a regular occasion and I haven’t had any complaints (to my fave anyway haha), so the one you walked away from after that bad experience, did you do it without talking to him?

[AussieGuy2018]

Ok to address your red flags:

1. Tell her if would be nice if she pays sometimes, and see her reactions. She might think you want to pay. In some cultural guys always pay. But if she still thinks you should always pay after the talk, assess if you are ok with it.

2. Do you believe she has the ability to stay?

3. So she likely will work low end job her whole life or even stop working altogether/wont make decent money, assess if you are ok marrying this kind of woman.

4-7 all her attitude problems. Again communicate and let her know. If she doesnt want to change, assess if you can accept that.

 

Now your performance. I have a real story. A guy I slept with is too small to get in but he thought he was just under performing and I was too tight. That is the only guy I never saw after one (failed) sex. Not saying you are too small, but sometimes, problem may be more than just "cant get hard", and a woman could possibly just walk away. However if you know you normally are decent in bed, you can text her again because she maybe waiting for you to text. I always wait for the guy to text after sex to see he isnt bailing.

 

 

I don’t even know what to say to contact her considering it’s been three days?

[frus69]

All of the above is something I definitely have to think about and you’ve provided some good advice to ponder over.

 

As far as the performance goes, it’s not something that has happened on a regular occasion and I haven’t had any complaints (to my fave anyway haha), so the one you walked away from after that bad experience, did you do it without talking to him?

 

Well I didnt tell him he's too small, no. No one will tell him that..

[chillii]

lt doesn't sound like your coming up with negatives and excuses to me and no ones gonna make up bs and throw away a "good thing" over one little thing. Sounds more like those things have been nagging at you all the way though to me and l'd guarantee they're legit because you've been feeling it in your gut anyway.

 

As far as men and feelings, she's the one went weird , or even weirder, not you , so she's the one that has sorting her damn feelings and issues out problems.

[soyou]

First of all, after reading your little checklist, I dont think you should continue dating her. Even though the sex had gone good, I bet that these issues would appear again sooner or later.

 

However, from a woman's perspective when it comes to bad sex.

 

She never slept with you before so if the sex is bad the first time, she would assume that that's how you always are. So I could understand her attitude changed.

 

Bad sex is a very sensitive subject. As a woman, if I speak it out (no matter how gentle I am about it), I may make him become more nervous and perform even worse.

 

If I dont speak about it, then my attitude will change. Sex is bad, how can I act as if I had the best sex of my life when it's shyt?

 

She stayed the entire weekend, why did you not try to give it some more shots and give her better sex?

[MaleIntuition]

Could be a simple missunderstanding. My assumption is that you like her enough and thus are here asking for advice.

 

It’s not unlikely that she interpret such performance issues as a lack of attraction on your part and therefore felt un-loved whilst you; on the other hand; wanted her reassurance. Bit of a Mexican standoffs so to speak..?

 

Also, this 40 text per day thing is problematic; it sets a tempo that’s not sustainable. Sometimes people just need space; and people tend to be sensitive to change, so basically you are setting yourself up for failure by setting an unrealistic high bar.

 

If you are still interested in pursuing this, give her a call and pretend like nothing happened.

[Mrs._December]

Well I didnt tell him he's too small, no. No one will tell him that..

Yikes - been there and done that. I honestly thought it was his thumb until I realized it wasn't.

 

I didn't say a word either.

[ARAMCOMAN]

Dating is a tryout. Not everyone fits with anyone. It really sounds like after the bad date & even before, you two were observing things you disliked in each other which over time & culminating in your failed sex attempt basically put a halt to your budding R.

All relationships have issues, so the best thing to do is keep looking for the one who has the flaws you like, which you will recognize when it happens as you won't feel the need to talk to strangers about it.

 

 

Good luck my man

[preraph]

She doesn't sound like much of a catch, though I will say about the compliments, a lot of women simply don't do that in the way you're apparently hoping for. I never once told a man, Oh, you're so good looking, and the women I saw who did seemed manipulative to me. I think complimenting on the date is fine. If you need compliments to keep you going, that's you needing validation for insecurity reasons. If a woman is with you, assume they find you attractive.

[AussieGuy2018]

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

 

So I gave her a call and we spoke for about 20mins...looks like we both read each other’s body language wrong. She said it would be a shame to let the performance issue ruin what was up until then going really well.

She also said that she felt like she was doing all the work the day after in regards to conversation and wasn’t getting the right attention from me as far as affection and that goes, where as I felt the same way.

 

She mentioned the fact I never reached out afterwards really annoyed her and our trip out of town was a little awkward and hard work which turned her off and I felt the same. I said we probably should have spoken about the sex and then the elephant in the room would’ve been gone and the trip out of town would’ve been fine.

 

So it looks as thought it’s over, but I think with the concerns we have, it’s orobabky for the best. She said I have to take the lead more and not read her body language wrong all the time. I feel that I take the lead all the time and she doesn’t have the best body language and comes off a bit hot and cold. She said to me a few weeks ago, she’s not always an I’ve queen, so it just looks as though we probably aren’t compatible?

[chillii]

Sorry but now she sounds even more me me me and entitled from that, it's all about her.