Tabernator Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 I've been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years and have met his parents many times. One year into our relationship, my boyfriend's brother starting dating someone as well. All was well until last summer when my boyfriend's mother rented a cottage for the 6 of us (mom, dad, boyfriend, me, boyfriend's brother & his gf). His mother hates cooking and announced that she would pay for the cottage rental but she didn't want to have to cook, so the work would have to be divided up amongst the 4 kids. Long story short, I ended up doing the majority of the work - grocery shopping, preparing meals for 6 people, cleaning etc. while everyone else - especially boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend - did nothing. It was so frustrating for me because I felt like I was a slave and being taken advantage of. Tensions rose and there ended up being fights amongst a bunch of us. It was a disaster and of course his mother was "so disappointed" that the family could not get along well....and that blame basically fell to me and the other girlfriend. Fast forward to Thanksgiving. Mom doesn't want to invite the girlfriends over for dinner because she wants a "drama free" dinner. (Thanks a lot). Boyfriend's brother insists on having a dinner with the girlfriends so she says fine but he has to cook the entire thing himself. So boyfriend's brother has us over for dinner but mom didn't even want us there. She cooked an entire separate meal for her immediate family but does not want to cook for us. Fast forward again to Christmas. Girlfriends are invited over for their own separate dinner. Mom cooks steak and orders sushi for immedaite family Christmas dinner. Come time for girlfriend dinner, mom wants to have no part, so it is left up to the four kids to prep the dinner. Once again, all the work falls on me. I plan the dinner, do two shopping trips, cook the entire thing, set the table etc. I was so furious....Who invites someone over for dinner and makes them cook the whole thing? Once again, I feel I am being treated like a maid or a personal chef. Mom orders a sushi platter for appetizer....everyone is around the table eating the sushi platter while I cook the dinner. Nobody offers to help me. After dinner family starts bickering about who will clean the dishes. I am so fed up at this point that I tell the brother and his girlfriend that they should clean up because my boyfriend and I cooked the meal. He snaps and and tells my boyfriend later that I am so rude and disrespectful and only think of myself etc etc etc. So once again I have picked up all the slack and I am getting all the blame. I was furious and still am. Fast forward again. My boyfriend's birthday is coming up and they are going out for a family meal to celebrate. Boyfriend wants me to come and asks his mom if I can join and she says no because it would not be fair to the brother's girlfriend because she wasn't invited out when they celebrated the brother's birthday. Honestly I think she just doesn't want me there. I am so frustrated of being treated like this. I have brought it up to my boyfriend over and over but he doesn't seem to want to cause any more conflict in his family so he doesn't bring it up to his mom and doesn't tell her how it makes me feel. My family invites my boyfriend over all the time. He eats dinner with us, he came out with us for NYE dinner, as well as for my own birthday dinner. When he is invited over for Christmas or Thanksgiving, my mother would never dream of asking him to cook or shop or do anything. I just find the way I am being treated really rude and unfair and I don't know what to do about it.
smackie9 Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 (edited) Your BF is the issue here....he didn't step up and help or encourage his brother and GF to help at the cottage. He didn't stand up for you when she rejected you being at any of the dinners, never bothered to resolve this issue with his mother or his brother. Open your eyes....your BF hasn't supported you in the least through this whole thing. As the saying goes the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree...your BF is no better than his mother. Tip: when you marry, you marry his family too...choose wisely my dear. Edited March 5, 2019 by smackie9 4
kendahke Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend - did nothing. It was so frustrating for me because I felt like I was a slave and being taken advantage of. Tensions rose and there ended up being fights amongst a bunch of us. It was a disaster and of course his mother was "so disappointed" that the family could not get along well....and that blame basically fell to me and the other girlfriend. It is bad form to go to someone else's house who you're not related to and fight (heck even if you are related...). Doesn't matter the reason--reality TV has lied to you on that tip. There's no unringing that bell now. You could have just have easily stopped cooking and sat down to watch TV or gotten your coat, made up an excuse, called an Uber and left if you felt that put upon. Did you ever apologize to her for that display? You don't say above if you did with the "fast forwarding". If you didn't, that could be the reason why you are on ice. By thanksgiving, from what you wrote above, it was clear what was up not only with this woman, but also with your boyfriend, seeing how he didn't stand up for you at all. She wouldn't have seen me on Christmas. My family invites my boyfriend over all the time. He eats dinner with us, he came out with us for NYE dinner, as well as for my own birthday dinner. But has your boyfriend fought with someone else in your mom's house? Therein lies the universe of difference between how your parents esteem him and how his mom esteem you. Apples and oranges here. It sounds to me like moms doesn't like either of you girlfriends right now and doesn't want either of you ruining her peace because you will fight--you've proven that already. I suppose she's calling herself being fair by not inviting either of you anywhere she is, but she's entitled to esteem you any way she wishes--you can't change that right now. Only consistent, mindful measured behavior should be your goal if having a relationship with her is important to you--and like Smackie said, you marry him, you marry the family. Time to figure this out before it goes any further. If her son hasn't stepped up to defend you to her by now, it's not going to happen. They've all circled the wagons and you and your fighting partner are on the outside of that ring. I just find the way I am being treated really rude and unfair and I don't know what to do about it. You engaged in a fight in her home--and that's the height of rudeness and was an abuse of her hospitality. There were better ways to resolve that conflict that you didn't use. Apologizing might be a good start towards your restoration to her favor if being with this particular guy is important to you.
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Try taking the mom out to lunch to talk to her & let her see that you are not the problem. Show her that you want family harmony.
amaysngrace Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 That mom sounds messed up. I’d be reluctant to see any man she raised as being a worthwhile lifelong mate. 1
bathtub-row Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Starting or getting involved in a fight was completely inappropriate on your part. If you felt like you were doing too much, you should’ve addressed it with your bf. There’s a great deal of dysfunction here - the mom laying down rules and creating so much tension by her inability to let bygones be bygones. Your bf needs to get it straightened out and back you. But it would also be good if you apologized. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 We can't help it if our parents are unreasonable. All one can do is handle their behavior appropriately, make it clear you won't allow them to interfere. Some people are good at this, while some aren't good at setting and enforcing boundaries. I speak from experience when I tell you that in a case where the man doesn't set appropriate boundaries with his mother, you will never win. The deciding factor is the man and his degree of competence - not the troublesome parent. 2
Tamfana Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Do what your boyfriend does, not more not less. He's the link between you and his family and he's decided how to interact with them. Follow his lead.
olivetree Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Your bf that should be standing up for you, pitching in and getting his brother and gf to pitch in as well. And also talking to his mother about her behaviour. If you do decide to keep going there and cooking, at the very least stop taking everything on yourself and then resenting everyone for it. Just say in a nice but assertive way, "I'm not cooking by myself this time. We can either all work together or pitch in for pizza." If it were me, I wouldn't bother going over there for dinner in the first place if I'm going to be excluded. 1
clia Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 I agree with many of the comments above. I don't understand at all why you are taking on all of these cooking duties. Where is your boyfriend in all of this and why isn't he helping you? At the cabin, why didn't you and your boyfriend tell his brother and girlfriend that you would cook on days X and Y and they would have to cook on days A and B? At Christmas, why didn't you and your boyfriend split up the cooking tasks with them? Why didn't you walk out of the kitchen and ask for help? Why even go over there if you had to cook yourself? I don't get it. I understand your frustration, but you seem to have brought some of this situation on yourself and now your boyfriend's mother thinks you are "drama." It seems like you need to clear the air with her, though, so I like the idea suggested above of inviting her out to lunch or something. Aside from that, I think you should stop going to her house unless your boyfriend is going to step up and do the cooking himself.
Author Tabernator Posted March 5, 2019 Author Posted March 5, 2019 Starting or getting involved in a fight was completely inappropriate on your part. If you felt like you were doing too much, you should’ve addressed it with your bf. . Just to clarify, I did not start any fights at the cottage. During the week, I took my boyfriend aside a few times to tell him I felt I was picking up all the slack. He would ask his brother to do the dishes or to help out, and the brother would get angry at him and say things like " I was going to do it but now you've pissed me off so I won't anymore." Apparently he overheard me talking to my boyfriend saying that I was frustrated that he and his girlfriend weren't helping....this is what led them to become mad at me. After the trip was over, my boyfriend's brother relayed this all to his mom - telling her that I was "talking about him behind his back" and that's what caused her to get upset. During the Christmas dinner, I did ask him and the girlfriend to take care of the dishes. After he got really angry, I sent him a message a few days later to apologize and explain why I thought it was fair for them to clean. He never apologized to me for calling me selfish.
preraph Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Since your boyfriend won't stand up and be a man about it, refuse to go to any of these gathering with him and go visit your friends or your family instead and let him do his thing and see how he likes cooking the whole dinner which I'm sure would happen if she didn't have women there to enslave. 1
Author Tabernator Posted March 5, 2019 Author Posted March 5, 2019 Your bf that should be standing up for you, pitching in and getting his brother and gf to pitch in as well. And also talking to his mother about her behaviour. If you do decide to keep going there and cooking, at the very least stop taking everything on yourself and then resenting everyone for it. Just say in a nice but assertive way, "I'm not cooking by myself this time. We can either all work together or pitch in for pizza." If it were me, I wouldn't bother going over there for dinner in the first place if I'm going to be excluded. My boyfriend has always helped me out with all of the cooking I have done. He has done his fair share. After the last incident, I suggested that we either make it very clear who is doing exactly what work and if we can't do that that we should just go out for a meal instead.
Author Tabernator Posted March 5, 2019 Author Posted March 5, 2019 Starting or getting involved in a fight was completely inappropriate on your part. If you felt like you were doing too much, you should’ve addressed it with your bf. There’s a great deal of dysfunction here - the mom laying down rules and creating so much tension by her inability to let bygones be bygones. Your bf needs to get it straightened out and back you. But it would also be good if you apologized. At the cottage I did not start or get involved in any fights. After the Christmas dinner when I asked the brother to clean (for which he got really angry), I sent him an apology message a few days later and tried to explain why I felt that way.
Author Tabernator Posted March 5, 2019 Author Posted March 5, 2019 I agree with many of the comments above. I don't understand at all why you are taking on all of these cooking duties. . You are right. I have brought this upon myself partially because I am just trying to keep everyone happy and have the mother like me. I need to set limits going forward.
preraph Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 I just wouldn't even go. If I was forced to go, I would pack myself a little discreet mini cooler with some sandwiches and health bars in there to keep only myself fed secretly and let the rest scramble around.
basil67 Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 At the cottage I did not start or get involved in any fights. After the Christmas dinner when I asked the brother to clean (for which he got really angry), I sent him an apology message a few days later and tried to explain why I felt that way. The brother's reaction to cleaning was OTT, however it's not your place to ask him to clean. If someone has to get him moving, it's up to his mother, his girlfriend or your boyfriend to do it. I agree with those who say that you should just stay away from all their events. 1
darkmoon Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 he's a Mummy's boy, which in the UK is seen as nerdy/geeky, unable to man up 2
2much4 Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 TBH I don't think this is so much about the fighting, his mom just doesn't want the girlfriends around... I know my parents wouldn't want my SO around all the time, unless we were married....I don't know if that's the case, but some families are just more private than others. The cottage fight might have been the last straw so to say.
preraph Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 I think the mother is just one big old B who is trying to show the guys that their girlfriends are useless compared to her. Honestly, if she doesn't want to have company, then why is everyone going? If someone wants to cook, then invite the family to come to their home instead. Mommy never taught the boys to do for themselves is a big problem here, nor stand up for themselves. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 I think your bf is the problem. I've had exes whose mothers weren't crazy about me ... these exes made it clear to me they didn't care about what their mothers or parents thought. BF should be reassuring you ... You doing the cooking on that outing--so sexist ... that it landed on you ... Don't put yourself in that position .... I like the idea of taking out mom ... as a way to reach out to her ... On the other hand, mom seems quite stubborn and hostile ... and bf isn't stepping up ... Bf's brother DID step up to insist that the girlfriends come to one of the dinners. But that's just a start. Doesn't sound like your bf even took that step. You did all the cooking at that gathering ... it's not your job to then go around and apologize ... They should all be apologizing to you! ... And you need to apologize to yourself--for taking on that unfair burden.
preraph Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 Just stop going. I wouldn't go where I'm not wanted.
Juha Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 Your boyfriend and I emphasize BOY is the issue here. He has no backbone, does not support you, or have your back. This will not change... Think it's time you find a man not a little boy to have a relationship with. You may think your bf is great but he really does not seem all that great. If he does not have your back, support you and stand up for you in this small situation what will he do when things really go bad? I am serious about this, you really need to think about how weak of a person he is and how little he has your back.... Time to dump the little boy and go find a man I wish you the best 1
mortensorchid Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 It sounds like his mom doesn't like you, that's for sure. But maybe it's not you specifically - she seems to have issues deeper than that since she extends this to his brother's girlfriend as well. And you've been around for the last 3 and a half years of this? Surely your bf is aware and is not interfering or saying to his mom "Why do you treat (your name) like this?" Was it something you did or said? But this is a bad situation you are in, to be sure. You're trying to make it all okay and you're not liked. It's also bad when it's a family situation. Does his mom perpetually do this to others? If so then she's not a good person and you should not worry about being something to her. But since you're in a long term situation with your bf, all I can say is keep the peace.
Juha Posted March 6, 2019 Posted March 6, 2019 Wanted to add: Whoever you date the baggage of the family comes along also, that should also matter in your decision as your happiness in life depends a lot on who you are in a relationship with. This family causes way too much drama to deal with on top of your bf not supporting you or having your back. It's been 3.5 years and it will never change. Don't understand why you would want to continually put up with this type of treatment.
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