Flowergirl61 Posted March 4, 2019 Posted March 4, 2019 I’ve been dating a man for 7 months. We See each each other on weekends & sometimes mid week. He likes to suggest places to go & we have a good time. We were out on the weekend at a pub when he got up to go to the washroom. He ran into a guy from the local vintage bike club that he is with, talked for 30 minutes. I was alone at our table & was starting to feel upset about it. He then went to the washroom, came back out & sits down at his table, continues to chat for another 10 minutes! By this time I had texted one of my friends to ask for a ride home. I told him right away how it made me feel,& that I almost left the pub. I had thought about going up to the table & introducing myself, but I guess I wanted to see how it was going to play out. Anyhow, we usually go back to his plc, but I wanted to go home because I was hurt & disappointed by this. He said he was sorry. I haven’t heard from him & feel like he should contact me. I’m wanting to forgive him, & move forward.
curlygirl40 Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 This is strange behavior to me. I think maybe more context would be helpful. Is he usually more considerate than this? Is it possible he really lost track of time and didn't realize how much time had gone by? My opinion is that I realize why you are upset, but if this is not normal behavior for him (to be inconsiderate or flaky) I would forgive him the one time. Try to be sure he understands why you are upset without criticizing, like don't say 'you always' or 'you never' or call names or just other general bad behavior. Tell him how it made you feel and that if the situation happens again you would appreciate it if he would call you over to introduce you or to join the conversation or whatever and then let it go. He said he was sorry and you're still waiting for him to reach out and apologize also. Maybe he's not sure if you want to hear from him. I think by wanting to go home maybe you overreacted a bit also. It shows that instead of communicating that night and resolving this and explaining to him why you were upset, you took your ball and went home. I might start there. Own your part in it "Sorry I feel like I may have overreacted, however I was hurt at the time since I felt like I was being ignored" Communication is so key in relationships. I don't think you can sit back and just wait for him to reach out to say he's sorry again. BUT if this is a pattern I would probably have different advice 1
preraph Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 That was an odd thing to do. He should have brought that guy to your table or brought you to his table and introduced you. If he had any good reason why he didn't do that, he should have explained that to you by now, like, Oh, I didn't want that guy to meet you, he can't be trusted. It was just rude behavior. 1
Gretchen12 Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 He has bad manners. I would dump any man with bad manners because it's his upbringing and you will always think twice about letting him meet your friends and family. I don't think you should be angry at all. What he did was so weird, has he been diagnosed with some psychological problems? 2
Happy Lemming Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 He may have lost track of time. I do that when talking about something mechanical, like a motorcycle. I think you are over-reacting. Are you the type of individual that constantly needs to be the center of attention? Its not like he left you out in a snowstorm... You were at a bar, you had a drink, (between the TV on the wall and your phone) surely you can entertain yourself for 30 minutes. An evening at a pub/bar (for me) usually consists of 4+ hours watching various sporting events, what is 30 minutes... 2
Simple Logic Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 you Should have walked up, introduced yourself in jest as the GF he was ignoring, and had a good time. Instead you decided to upset yourself over your BF losing track of the time.
Fair Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 He's not interested. You should have left the pub and not looked back. He was throwing you a very direct message by treating you that way. Deliberately. My ex boyfriend did similar things IF he took me out, which wasn't often. He wanted out. I'm sorry. I know it hurts.
Author Flowergirl61 Posted March 5, 2019 Author Posted March 5, 2019 I absolutely explained why I was upset. I will take the advise & give him one more chance. As to the poster who said I was being over reactive. I disagree. I’m a person who has a ton of patience. He definitely has some issues, came from a bad childhood, so I will keep that in mind.
Fair Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 He has bad manners. I would dump any man with bad manners because it's his upbringing and you will always think twice about letting him meet your friends and family. I don't think you should be angry at all. What he did was so weird, has he been diagnosed with some psychological problems? I'd go even further and call it abusive behaviour, not just bad manners or 'weird.' Likely he does indeed have psychological problems. My ex did. It's insulting and diminishing to be taken out by a guy and left by yourself and ignored and make no mistake, it's being done on purpose.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 He has bad manners. I would dump any man with bad manners because it's his upbringing and you will always think twice about letting him meet your friends and family. I don't think you should be angry at all. What he did was so weird, has he been diagnosed with some psychological problems? This is really bad taste. My partner has never ignored me that way before.
curlygirl40 Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 I'd go even further and call it abusive behaviour, not just bad manners or 'weird.' Likely he does indeed have psychological problems. My ex did. It's insulting and diminishing to be taken out by a guy and left by yourself and ignored and make no mistake, it's being done on purpose. You don't have enough information to say this. You're projecting your experience on this situation. Maybe he's never done this before and this one time he lost track of time and you're diagnosing him with psychological problems? 3
crispytoast Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Get the pitchforks, he did something inconsiderate and he's a bad man, not date worthy, throw away 7 months of relationship because he talked to someone at a bar! Rawr take it a step further throw a blow dryer in the shower next time he's in for a wash. That will show him! Or maybe yknow take a deep breath and slow down for a second. You could've gone up and introduced yourself and joined in in the conversation. Yeah it's a little rude that he didn't call you over or introduce you but cmon, he's a human. People aren't perfect, especially when alcohol is involved. If this is an isolated incident it really isn't worth getting upset about. 3
Author Flowergirl61 Posted March 5, 2019 Author Posted March 5, 2019 I’m gratefull for everyone’s insite. Funny thing tho... he was only drinking water? From what he’s told me, he hasn’t had a relationship for many years. I honestly believe he lacks relationship skills. Ugggg just not sure if this is gonna go anywhere?
Fair Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 (edited) You don't have enough information to say this. You're projecting your experience on this situation. Maybe he's never done this before and this one time he lost track of time and you're diagnosing him with psychological problems? It's not the behaviour of someone who is emotionally/mentally healthy and it's wounding and from what she described his avoidance of her sounded deliberate. I think giving him another chance is a mistake. Lost track of time? I don't buy it. At the very least his interest for her is low, but that's no excuse. Just because you're not feeling it doesn't give you license to behave any old way. OP: let us know how it goes, I'd be interested to see how this plays out. Edited March 5, 2019 by Fair
BaileyB Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 It’s not abusive and it does not indicate any psychological problems. It is however, extremely rude. I’m curious OP, has he done anything like this before? Is he generally kind and considerate toward you, or is he more selfish? Whether this is a pattern of behaviour would cetainly influence my decision moving forward... 2
Trail Blazer Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Wow. The hysteria in this thread is laughable. The guy doesn't have a mental illness, unless rudeness is a mental illness! Seriously, this guy was being a bit rude/inconsiderate, but he doesn't deserve to be dumped over this. Some of you people need to get a grip! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 It was rather rude behaviour, but to suggest he is abusive is reckless and irresponsible. It is not abuse and should not be exaggerated as such. OP, you spoke to him and let him know you're upset. That's all you can really do; I would leave it to him to show me he's more considerate next time. Is this a one-off, or a pattern of behaviour for him? 2
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Abusive maybe, maybe not but there is definitely a message sent out here. "You ain't that important to me, you don't matter." Stop making excuses for him. If you were some hottie he was really into or someone he truly cared about he would never have treated you in that way. It smacks of selfishness and entitlement. Time to reassess your relationship. Seven months, the honeymoon phase is obviously over, is this going places or is it just a waste of your time? 2
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Your BF talked to a friend in a bar & you weren't social enough to interject yourself into the conversation so you sat at a table & pouted. Yes, 30 minutes was a long time to leave you alone & it's kind of rude but not horribly so. You had the ability to walk over & join the conversation or talk to somebody else. Just call him up & get past this already since you said you want to forgive him. Forgive him already even if he doesn't say he's sorry. Your BF is not abusive. Don't diminish true abuse by lumping bad manners into that category. Your BF is not uninterested in you in general. Yes for those 30 minutes the vintage bike guy was more interested but you have 7 months with him. Relax. 4
stillafool Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 How long ago did this happen and how long have you been NC?
amaysngrace Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 He was being considerate of you. Having to hear that conversation sounds way worse than him leaving you out of it. 2
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Your BF talked to a friend in a bar & you weren't social enough to interject yourself into the conversation so you sat at a table & pouted. Yes, 30 minutes was a long time to leave you alone & it's kind of rude but not horribly so. Really? 30 minutes chatting to the friend, then he went to the washroom and then spent another 10 minutes chatting to the friend so probably about 45 mins all together, whilst she was left sitting like a lemon waiting for him to return... He didn't lose track of time, he kept the convo going after the washroom visit, knowing she was there all alone. Bars are often not places a lone woman can be "social" in. 2
stillafool Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Yeah he treated her as if she's boring and his friends are more fun to hang out with. I think this is why he hasn't called to beg her back.
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2019 Posted March 5, 2019 Yes, really elaine567. I can be social anywhere. If the OP was that put off by her BF's disappearance & I can understand that she was thinking how long is he gonna keep talk to that guy? about 10 minutes in, nothing was stopping her from rising from the table, walking over to her guy & listening to the conversation or participating in it. She chose to stay where she was & pout. I'm not saying that her BF was the best guy ever but there is no need to vilify him or dump him over this faux pas. 2
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