Why is it that guys who come around and seem "crazy about me" end up giving up?

[chillii]

Absolutely it could turn them off. For most people, a good marriage is a calm and happy one where both parties can sort out issues with open and easy discussion rather than fighting. Even if they thought you were great at the start, as the fights continue they'll get very tired of it and decide they can't be bothered with all the bad stuff. They'll go off and find someone who's also got good traits, but without the temper.

 

Have you looked into therapy for anger management?

 

 

 

 

Oh yeah , a quick temper could make a helluva difference. l've got a quick temper l've had to work on my whole life.

But even l found it really unnerving and it really killed it for me in the end, just someone way back when.

Certainty made me clean up my own act though once l realized what it was like living with it.

[inami]

What starts too fast & too intensely ends that way.

 

You say you have a quick temper. Then you ask why guys don't stick around after fights, plural. The answer is there is too much drama in your relationships. I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 10. We have had maybe 3 fights in all that time. It's smooth sailing. Even when we disagree with don't fight.

 

When you learn to control that quick temper of yours, your relationships will last longer. You are the common denominator & you have identified this as a pattern. Change it.

 

Also how many presents are you expecting from these men in the beginning? The fact that guys are trying to buy your affection & you see that as a positive thing, is another potential red flag.

 

 

Plus if you didn't think much of them you should not have been dating them. Were you there just for the free meals & presents?

 

I've definitely worked at it lately. I guess I just question things because I couldn't get myself to accept if they truly liked me wouldn't have given up. My ex bf 33 and I was 26 when we dated, he was traditional Armenian guy and I'm a virgin and told him this so he continued to date me, it was marriage minded. LOTS of fights happened, he wasn't one to back down form it either but he always made up. The fact that he eventually gave up and lost feelings for me had me doubt everything then think about if he was truly marriage minded how could he suggest anything physical "non sex", such as touching me in that area, talk about oral sex etc.

 

Is this normal? during the relationship I felt that he was crazy about me, constantly texting me, cried once after I was breaking up. I basically broke up every week from the fights and he always made up. But after all that's said and done makes me think could it all have been fake? If he liked me so much how could he lose feelings for me? Since you have experience in marriage I wanted to ask

[alphamale]

They come around and seem crazy about me, take me out to nice restaurants, buy presents, constantly text me etc and ask to be my bf. They'll make up after any arguments/fights But after a few months they'll give up. Does it mean they just were never truly into me?If they were how can they give up?

 

umami, do you have sex with these guys after a few dates?

[GorillaTheater]

umami, do you have sex with these guys after a few dates?

 

She says she's a virgin.

 

No sex, weekly break-ups, temper tantrums ... What's not to like?

[inami]

umami, do you have sex with these guys after a few dates?

 

You clearly didn't read above. I said these are guys 28, 33 marriage minded, and they know I'm a serious girl and from the beginning they're made aware that I'm a virgin and waiting till marriage. They don't push the subject etc, it's just that we date and they are all about me constantly texting, taking me out to nice dinners, making me soup when I'm sick, roses etc and treat me seriously and although I do tend to fight/argue kind of testing their limits a bit they end up giving up. That's the whole issue.

[inami]

She says she's a virgin.

 

No sex, weekly break-ups, temper tantrums ... What's not to like?

 

 

So if they truly weren't into me you don't think they'd be doing any of that at all?

[GorillaTheater]

So if they truly weren't into me you don't think they'd be doing any of that at all?

 

I'm repeating other posters, but it's entirely possible that they started out very into you, but were discouraged pretty quickly by the drama you bring into a relationship. Some folks may like the drama, but most sure don't.

 

Being "into" you doesn't give you a license to act like a nut and get away with it. That's not how it works.

[inami]

I'm repeating other posters, but it's entirely possible that they started out very into you, but were discouraged pretty quickly by the drama you bring into a relationship. Some folks may like the drama, but most sure don't.

 

Being "into" you doesn't give you a license to act like a nut and get away with it. That's not how it works.

 

I agree with you. I've worked on this. I have a question to ask you. about my ex bf for example My ex bf 33 and I was 26 when we dated, he was traditional Armenian guy and I'm a virgin and told him this so he continued to date me, it was marriage minded. LOTS of fights happened, he wasn't one to back down form it either but he always made up. The fact that he eventually gave up and lost feelings for me had me doubt everything then think about if he was truly marriage minded how could he suggest anything physical "non sex", such as touching me in that area, talk about oral sex etc. Is this normal? Although I read our texts he asked me if i love him, if i will be with him despite his family having illness issues etc this kind of talk suggests that he was serious right but can also be faked? I just want to know in the future how to deduce if a guy is truly serious and into me? Thank you.

[GorillaTheater]

There's a lot to unpack here.

 

Yes, he may have been marriage-minded, but felt that you weren't necessarily marriage material.

 

Yes, it's normal for a guy to talk about sex, even (especially?) if he's not having it.

 

I get that your virginity is important to you, and I'm not going to try to persuade you otherwise, but you understand that hanging on to it prior to marriage makes and is going to continue to make maintaining a relationship that much more difficult, right?

[FMW]

As has been suggested several times, I think no matter how genuine and serious minded they are at the beginning of the relationship, fighting and drama will eventually kill those feelings, or at least make them no longer have the energy or will to stick it out.

 

I found reading this thread a little exhausting, so I can imagine your actual relationships are probably exhausting as well.

[inami]

There's a lot to unpack here.

 

Yes, he may have been marriage-minded, but felt that you weren't necessarily marriage material.

 

Yes, it's normal for a guy to talk about sex, even (especially?) if he's not having it.

 

I get that your virginity is important to you, and I'm not going to try to persuade you otherwise, but you understand that hanging on to it prior to marriage makes and is going to continue to make maintaining a relationship that much more difficult, right?

 

Not in this guys case because Armenian traditional men want a virgin wife and that wasn't the issue because we were talking to get married in a year. But yes you're right. I just become self-conscious and think maybe they weren't very into me or didn't find me attractive enough to stick around..?

[stillafool]

Would that really cause a guy who was all about me, texting me from morning to night, doing those things for me, to lose feelings for me? Really? I do have a quick temper

 

They don't like your personality as you seem too argumentative. That's a turn off. No one likes to be around someone who is quick to argue.

[darkmoon]

you are entitled to opinions, just say them but do not raise your voice ... my 2 cents on anger management, temper puts a lot of people off, we feel uncomfortable around an erupting person, understandable surely

 

 

maybe you grew up in a family who argued, but there is no need to, just say your opinions

Edited March 4, 2019 by darkmoon

[inami]

Thank you very much for the advice.

[salparadise]

...maybe they weren't very into me or didn't find me attractive enough to stick around..?

 

They probably start out being into you because of attraction and idea of you being "pure." So the go all out and give it maximum effort... at first. But nobody can sustain maximum effort indefinitely. With most couples they soon settle into a nice groove where both are getting what the need from the relationship.

 

But with you, they learn that you the "into me" mentality and expect that maximum effort to be maintained, while at the same time instead of giving them satisfaction in a nice relationship it's all discord and expectations that can't realistically be met. In addition to that, they aren't getting laid and probably not any/much physicality. In other words, what are you doing for them to keep them happy and enthusiastic?

 

This "into me" phenomenon that you keep on talking about... do you really think that a guy is going to be permanently mesmerized such that he will be forever entranced without you reciprocating in any way? That's how it sounds. You're actually bewildered as to why a guy would walk away from a deal where he's not getting anything good. What do you do to show a guy how much you care for him... or have you never really felt that way?

[elaine567]

Romantic partners are not your parents or close family, there is no unconditional love.

With parents you can fight, argue, disappoint them, cause all sort of mayhem in their lives, and they will still love you.

With a lover you don't get to do that.

They are usually looking for a life partner and if you cause chaos in their life they will dump you. It doesn't mean they never loved you, or were never into you, it just means they see no future with you and with no future there is no point in continuing with the relationship.

[preraph]

People who are in "instant love" are hoping you're the ideal woman in their head and they're hoping that solely based on that your outside is pleasing to them. But it's a delusion. The longer they know you, the more they realize you are not their imaginary ideal woman (and you can't be because that woman does not exist). They are men who are looking for a women to fit into their script, not open to loving a woman for who she is. No big loss.

[basil67]

you are entitled to opinions, just say them but do not raise your voice ...

 

This. And also state your opinions in a manner which doesn't put your partner on the defensive. Lastly, don't dump them weekly.

[chillii]

You clearly didn't read above. I said these are guys 28, 33 marriage minded, and they know I'm a serious girl and from the beginning they're made aware that I'm a virgin and waiting till marriage. They don't push the subject etc, it's just that we date and they are all about me constantly texting, taking me out to nice dinners, making me soup when I'm sick, roses etc and treat me seriously and although I do tend to fight/argue kind of testing their limits a bit they end up giving up. That's the whole issue.

 

 

 

 

The other thing missing is this is all about what they do for you and how they treat you, what do you do for them and how do you treat them ?

Goes both ways no ones interesting in just a give give give me me me thing, especially with fights and shyt testing every 5mins.

We stick around because as it grows feelings grow and we start loving things about her more and more, things about us more and more, all the things "she" does and who she is more and more, the whole box and dice so to speak.

But all this would all actually work in reverse, instead of growing more and more it would all actually decline it all more and more.

Throw in a temper and fights, it's pretty easy to see the problems.He not only gets nothing out of it anyway but all the drama too.

Edited March 4, 2019 by chillii

[basil67]

Honestly yes, how were you able to deduce that I didn't think "they were up to scratch anyway". Yeah I didn't think much of them

 

So why do you care that they dumped you? Dating these guys sounds like a complete waste of time for all concerned. Is their affection nothing more than an ego boost for you?