She's with someone else

September 20, 2005

My ex gf of 3 years left me about a month and a half ago. She gave me a bunch of reasons, and led me to believe it was my entire fault. Basically she was unhappy but kept it to herself and at one point told me that I should "understand how she feels even if no words are exchanged". Now to me that was bull****. All the reasons were bull****, because I would never have left her ever, and in the 3 years I didn't lie to her once. I understand how she felt in hindsight, and I know I have to change what I was doing wrong for future relationships. I had really high expecations, and always wanted her to be happy.. And I guess she felt like she couldn't come with me to discuss her problems, etc.. I was always taking from her and not giving her what she needed.

Anyways, after a couple days I realized there was another guy and ironically enough my parents (who loved her) saw them together. Before I knew this information I asked her if there was another guy and she said no. Even after this info I still tried to get her back. I know I can get over her, I know I can find another girl but I felt like she was making a big mistake and I tried so hard for her to see that. I tried to write letters and explain to her that he won't love her as much as me, etc. I was in shock that she could be dating 2 days after she left me, and for all I know, she could of cheated on me.

The no contact started around 2 weeks ago lasted for 4-5 days than she phoned me one day 18 times! Each time I didn't answer. we talked last Sunday before she went on a trip with her friend(Lol...maybe she went with him?) and she was crying saying she was confused and didn't know what she was doing. I had my hopes up. Then I realized she is a manipulating, sneaky girl and she was keeping me as backup. I realized the only time she phoned me was when the weekend was over and he wasn't with her. Or when she was bored at work. I realized that she thinks I am wrapped around her little finger.

Now i tried my way, I was totally honest, I never play games and I hate to not answer the phone when she calls but it's the only way to get over her. I haven't talked to her on the phone for a week and she still text's me and emails me. I bought my own apt (im 24) and she asked when im moving in, etc. So I know she is going to go nuts with curiousty about my new life. Sadly, I miss her so bad still and have to literally stop myself from replying.

I know i shouldn't be involved with someone that is so emotionally unstable and that wasn't honest with not only herself but me. But I still love her with all her faults and if she admitted her mistake I would forgive her. I understand that I screwed up and my forge in the relationship was misdirected. But If she screwed up, I would forgive her, no matter who is right or wrong I just wanted it to work. I am loyal to the death.

I am so disappointed that she treated me as a backup. And when I look at the clues it gets so damn obvious. Only contacts me on weekdays, only when she's bored.

Basically what im asking for is just some advice I guess. I know the hard part is going to come up when she tries to manipulate me and say "why aren't you answering me, do you hate me?". I don't want to completely close the door but I want her to understand that she left so fast and didn't give me a damn chance to show her we should be together. I know nothing about this new guy and don't want to assume anything. All I know is that he's 30 and that doesn't surprise me at all because I bet she thinks she needs security and maturity..

I mean, most of the time people break up they do it 4-5 times.. and the first time they do it they are back together in a day or something.. I had no chances, she just left me.. I realize that if she wanted to come back I would definately know and I wouldn't have to decode some stupid email or text message. So using that logic I realized she was keeping me as a backup and trying to keep me as a safety net if this new guy screws her around.

Kinda long but it helped me to vent, thanks for reading.

September 20, 2005

I was in a three year relationship and my ex cheated ALL the time. I took it and took it until I couldn't stand him anymore. Right now you are hurt because she is the one that left. But the fact is once a relationship gets that messed up it takes counseling to make it better (I think - I've never tried it). Anyway the problems get worse not better. It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. Evaluate what you did wrong and evaluate what you don't like about her. Make an affirmative decision to 1. in the future not make the same mistakes that you made in this relationship (ie. learn from the relationship) 2. recognize the personality traits that you know you can't tolerate (which you realized from your ex - emotionally unstable, dishonest, inability to communicate, etc.) and at the first sign of that trait in the next relationship then call it quits.

I know it feels terrible, but realize this. She hurt you and she is still hurting you. She screwed you over. You don't want her back, you want the security back. Trust me there are some awesome girls out there - you don't need this one back.

September 20, 2005

Yeah, I understand what you're saying about it how it will never be the same because of the trust involved.

But, technically, she didn't cheat on me.. and isn't this guy just a rebound boyfriend, kind of her way of NOT dealing with the after effects of leaving me? The more she is out with friends and a new bf the less she sits at home thinking about what she did to me.

The way I look at it, we both screwed up and took each over for granted. Does that make sense to you? Or am I just still in denail that this relationship is over?

September 20, 2005

The way I look at it, we both screwed up and took each over for granted. Does that make sense to you? Or am I just still in denail that this relationship is over?

Sounds like you might still be in denial.

If you found out she was dating someone 2 days after you broke up, chances are good that she was already seeing him or already had some feelings for him. Don't let yourself get down about that though, because it's a reflection of her character, not of you.

Don't blame yourself because she didn't communicate with you. It's aweful of her to place all that blame on you instead of taking responsibility for her own failings.

It doesn't sound like she's ready to be in a relationship, and she doesn't sound like a very honorable or trustworthy person. Obviously it's going to take some time, but you'll get over her and heal. And you can use this experience to know what to look for/not to look for in a woman.

September 20, 2005

Thanks.

I keep hearing the same advice from so many people and they analyze it the exact same way you did. I just feel like collectively we screwed it up, and I don't care who did it. I know she is weak and doesn't know what she wants, and It pissed me off she didn't come to me:( I know I screwed up too.

Maybe I'm just too loyal? She gave up on me why shouldn't I give up on her? I feel like If she ever realizes how much I sacrified and how pain I took when for US than she will never take me for granted.. Does that make sense?

Or someone who truly loves you never ever ever leaves you?

September 20, 2005

Maybe I'm just too loyal? She gave up on me why shouldn't I give up on her? I feel like If she ever realizes how much I sacrified and how pain I took when for US than she will never take me for granted.. Does that make sense?

Sure it makes sense, but usually it doesn't work that way. If she's going to realize she wants you back, she's got to do it on her own. Until then, focus on you and whether you really want her back in the long run or whether you just miss her now.

I just referred somebody else here, and I think it'll help you too. It's the Guilde to No Contact about having the best chance at reconciliation and getting over the person if that doesn't happen.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70200/

Or someone who truly loves you never ever ever leaves you?

I wouldn't say that's the case. But someone who loves you, is mature, honorable, ready for a relationship, knows they want to be in the relationship, and is committed to making it work will give you the chance to work with them to fix that relationship before leaving you. She may very well have loved you, but is lacking some of the other things which are usually more vital than simply having love.

September 20, 2005

wow you are awesome, thanks so much for answering my questions!!!!

September 20, 2005

wow you are awesome, thanks so much for answering my questions!!!!

You're welcome. Hope it all works out for you.

September 20, 2005

Wow that guy who wrote that is seriously "lost". I don't think he understands the concept of no contact.

Anyways, I just had one more question. Am I right to assume that as long as I continue this NC up it will bring out her true feelings? I will definately KNOW if she wants me back because she will explicitly come out and say it? Or will she be so ashamed and think I hate her and just keep it inside? In the meantine the best thing to do Is get on with my life and NOT relying on the fact that she is coming back!

September 20, 2005

Wow that guy who wrote that is seriously "lost". I don't think he understands the concept of no contact.

Yeah, it doesn't seem the writer is doing very well in his own situation, but there are still some pretty good points about working on yourself, getting on with your life, not being a doormat, and letting it be your ex's idea to come back. The most important is not taking the first sign of communication from the ex to be a sign they want to reconcile.

Anyways, I just had one more question. Am I right to assume that as long as I continue this NC up it will bring out her true feelings? I will definately KNOW if she wants me back because she will explicitly come out and say it? Or will she be so ashamed and think I hate her and just keep it inside?

Nothing is guaranteed. But if she begins to regret her descision and you've given her no reason to think you hate her (like yelling at her, etc.), she most likely will let you know. If she isn't able to communicate that to you though, that might be a sign that you're were not suited to each other anyway and that communication would continue to be a problem.

The best way to let her know that you don't hate her is to be civil and polite to her if you ever talk to or see her again. You can say things like "it's good to see you" but without telling her how much you miss her and want her back (which could make her feel pressured).

In the meantine the best thing to do Is get on with my life and NOT relying on the fact that she is coming back!

Yes, it is. And the best thing for you personally also happens to be the best chance you'll have of getting her back.

September 20, 2005

thank you so much, you don't know how much I appreciate your help.

Honestly I hope she is happy with her new boyfriend, because I just want her to be happy:)

It's hard but I will go on with my life and if she comes back to me it will be a really cool surprise.

thanks

September 20, 2005

thank you so much, you don't know how much I appreciate your help.

Honestly I hope she is happy with her new boyfriend, because I just want her to be happy:)

It's hard but I will go on with my life and if she comes back to me it will be a really cool surprise.

thanks

No problem. I think you've got the right attitude. Don't hesitate to post if you find yourself in a down mood. People here understand that the process can be an emotional rollercoaser.

Wish you the best.

September 20, 2005

crazy_gr

But someone who loves you, is mature, honorable, ready for a relationship, knows they want to be in the relationship, and is committed to making it work will give you the chance to work with them to fix that relationship before leaving you

I was reading your advice and found this quote by you has summed up all this processing and coming to terms with the end of a relationship.

The person I had been with was not thinking along this lines...he didn't want to make things work out...he was not in love with me.

September 21, 2005

Honestly I still have a couple more questions.. I guess female replies would be best.

I just want to somehow understand how she could just dump me after 3 years and 2 days later she is going out with another guy. Lies to me after she left me and said there is no other guy and then tried to keep me as a backup for a month. Aren't people supposed to sit back and analyze themselves and the relationship after a breakup? How can she just hop onto another guy without even considering if she made a mistake leaving me.. after 3 years?

I don't understand how she can even look at him and not see me, or how he talks and she can't see me. I can't even BEGIN to look at other girls like that and it's been almost 2 months. I guess she really really didn't love me and was just lying or she is seriously a cold-hearted bitch? The worst part is I am such a loyal and forgiving person that I would seriously consider taking her back but when you look at the facts it is absoloutely laughable at what she did. I would have never done that to her even if I found my soul mate, I would of given her more time and been honest about it:mad:

Should I just mouth her off and tell her how stupid she is and tell her to go to hell or just continue with no contact. I mean, I sat there an analyzed what I did wrong in the relationship for the past month and I just somehow "forgot" that she was with someone else during or 2 days after!

September 21, 2005

Im in the same position as you are in man. She left me and now shes with this other loser. Replaced me in all respects and seems to have absolutely no regard for me; shes happy now with him. I personally hope all goes to hell with their relationship. Man they are ruthles, I know how you feel.. you should read my thread it has all the details..

Stick in there man, don't ask too many questions or you will drive yourself nuts like me.

September 21, 2005

Aren't people supposed to sit back and analyze themselves and the relationship after a breakup? How can she just hop onto another guy without even considering if she made a mistake leaving me.. after 3 years?

It's impossible to know why she was able to do that. But many of the strongest possibilities indicate that she's really not someone you want to trust your heart with. Most people who could jump from a 3 year relationship immediately to another guy (or cheat with another guy) have some kind of problem (emotional, maturity, etc) that makes them bad partners.

Should I just mouth her off and tell her how stupid she is and tell her to go to hell or just continue with no contact. I mean, I sat there an analyzed what I did wrong in the relationship for the past month and I just somehow "forgot" that she was with someone else during or 2 days after!

Don't tell her off. You'll probably regret it later. If you really feel like you need to, write out how much of a b!tch she is in a letter but don't send it to her. Going off on her will only allow her to justify to herself what she did to you. Don't give her that.

September 21, 2005

Thanks again for the advice, you don't know how much it helps, It seems like I understand and I am content for a couple days and then I suddently obsess over one detail.

I just don't understand how this world works sometimes. I never lied, never hurt her and treated her like she was my own flesh and blood and I get treated this way..

September 21, 2005

Thanks again for the advice, you don't know how much it helps, It seems like I understand and I am content for a couple days and then I suddently obsess over one detail.

I know the feeling. I've driven myself half crazy picking over details. You've got to try and stay reasonable though, and especially not do something stupid... I usually fail at that. The really sad part is that half the time I know it's stupid when I'm doing it, but do it anyway.

I just don't understand how this world works sometimes. I never lied, never hurt her and treated her like she was my own flesh and blood and I get treated this way..

Yeah, it's really s***ty. You just have to remember that it's not always going to be this way.

September 22, 2005

What a terrible day for some reason. I missed her SO bad, like it was the first 10 minutes she left:eek:

I just can't comprehend anything good coming of this. All the scenarios I play out all involve me getting screwed.

She could come back to me later. Giving me a hard choice. Knowing myself I am so forgiving I would probablly take her back. Then, how could I trust her, and what if she hurts me AGAIN?

Or we could continue with the no contact for months and months and I could just keep missing her and go insane because I will feel she never loved me.

Or I could date again and compare everyone to the image In my head that is "her" (but in reality it isnt) and nobody will ever compare.

Like, am I overly loyal that it comes to the point of stupidity? Is it wrong for me to want her back after what she did, even though I know deep down inside that I deserve better? Like what if she comes back in a year, and apologizes and begs to come back. Won't I be the bigger person by taking her back, rather than cause her all the pain she caused me? We will both know who the better person is and she (in theory) shouldn't take me for granted anymore because she knows what she lost..

I check my email everyday to see if she emailed me. On one hand I want her to email so bad because I will know she is thinking of me. On the other hand I want to get over her (well, I don't want to. but I know i have to)

Sorry if I am getting repetitive but when you explain things it kind of reassures me somehow:rolleyes:

edit: awesome.. I just found out she has a msn space with updated pictures. AWESOME

September 22, 2005

I know the feeling Dprelz,

The NC will work to get over the pain they caused you. For me it will be a month now since my break up. No NC from both of us, after time you will feel much better. Time is the essense of your happiness, you know why because it was time that found love for you, eventhough it didn't work. Time will find you someone else and possibly your soulmate. Give it time, Sometimes your feelings will play a little with you but as time goes by, it becomes really easy to analyze things. You figure out what she did to you, and realize "Damn, I deserve better". Trust me you will feel much better. You will develop awesome friends and met new girls that want to hang out with you, but couldn't because you gave a vibe that you were taken. Once you let go of that barrier dude is so much fun. Give it more time and you'll see.

September 22, 2005

I agree, you sound like a really decent guy man. We have a lot in common and we're going through the same thing. Although it might seem we get screwed, but does not having them really mean we are "screwed" ? These situations that we have experienced, for me anyways; I believe in the long run will teach me to be a better person and how to make future relationships better. I know right now you're thinking; Man she screwed me over so bad, I loved her so much and she did this to me; how could she do this if she loved me the way she said, etc. But whatever the case, we don't need women like that in our lives. They take, take, take and give nothing in return. Stick in there and do the N.C..

Tomorrow is my EX's birthday, I was going to call her but I don't think I am going to now. N.C has made me feel much better, even though when I hear things through the grapevine (from her brother, etc.) it bothers me. But best thing for you is to forget about her for now, this girl is no good for you and I am just beginning to see the light in my situation. Be strong!

September 22, 2005

What a terrible day for some reason. I missed her SO bad, like it was the first 10 minutes she left:eek:

I just can't comprehend anything good coming of this. All the scenarios I play out all involve me getting screwed.

She could come back to me later. Giving me a hard choice. Knowing myself I am so forgiving I would probablly take her back. Then, how could I trust her, and what if she hurts me AGAIN?

Or we could continue with the no contact for months and months and I could just keep missing her and go insane because I will feel she never loved me.

Or I could date again and compare everyone to the image In my head that is "her" (but in reality it isnt) and nobody will ever compare.

You forgot the scenario where you slowly realize that you don't need her, you move on with your life, become happy without her, accomplish your goals, and then meet a wonderful woman who gives your relationship the type of dedication it deserves.

Like, am I overly loyal that it comes to the point of stupidity? Is it wrong for me to want her back after what she did, even though I know deep down inside that I deserve better? Like what if she comes back in a year, and apologizes and begs to come back. Won't I be the bigger person by taking her back, rather than cause her all the pain she caused me? We will both know who the better person is and she (in theory) shouldn't take me for granted anymore because she knows what she lost..

In time, you'll start to see more and more of her faults and you'll start to become less attached to her. You'll probably also find a girl who's much better for you than she is.

My bf of 1 yr left me about a year and a half ago. He moved out, giving me reasons I could tell weren't true (his dad and grandpa sick and he was moving back to see them, etc.). I knew he was lying, because he never once asked me to come with him. He told me he'd call me when he got where he was going. It was a 3 day trip. I waited 3 weeks and called 2-3 times without an answer before I finally accepted he wasn't going to call.

People would ask me about him while I was at work, but I couldn't talk about it, because I knew I'd burst into tears if I tried. I sat in my room crying at night for at least 2 months. Finally, 4 months after he left, he called. He wanted to move back and get back together. I told him he could move back, but not to expect to get back together with me. I didn't take him back, because I'd grown and moved on, and I knew it wasn't the best thing for me. I'm much better off and much happier now because he left me.

Unfortunately for him, it's over a year later, and he has just recently started to accept that we won't be getting back together, despite my numerous attempts to convince him of it. I feel bad for him and I still care about him, but I just don't love him the same way I used to.

So, what I'm saying is that you can remain loyal to her and care about her, but if you choose to, you're going to grow and be happier without her.

Sorry if I am getting repetitive but when you explain things it kind of reassures me somehow:rolleyes:

Don't worry about it. You're doing much better than I would be.

edit: awesome.. I just found out she has a msn space with updated pictures. AWESOME

NOOO! Don't look at that! You have to resist the temptation to find out about her in any form. I know it's really hard, but you have to try not to.

September 22, 2005

crazy_grl I just want to thank you, honestly. I wish I could give you a hug, you helped me so much:)

I hope the scenario you wrote is the one. I am pretty convinced however that I will forgive her if she comes back though. Time well tell. For now, I'm still sticking to NC:(

September 22, 2005

*hugs* Glad I could help you feel better.

dprelz, I have great confidence that soon, you'll be doing just fine.

September 22, 2005

You know what I keep thinking though? People should never be so dependant on another person to be happy and to complete them. You should be happy by yourself. I shouldn't want her back because I am lonely or because I love her. If I truly loved her, I would want happiness for her. I wouldn't be selfish and want her for me. If she wants to come back, I promised myself I would take her back. Not because I am weak, but because compassion is strength. I don't want revenge; I don't want her to ever go through what I had to go through. I truly and sincerely loved her, and the longer I stay away from her the more I think she will realize it. I would sacrifice my happiness for hers.

Now, If I could get through this no contact stuff then maybe I could find a new girl someday

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