Gretchen12 Posted March 3, 2019 Posted March 3, 2019 I would have to say you are incorrect. You already made your decision, you want reassurance (ie people to agree with you). You call it gut reaction. Well, no one can argue against a gut reaction. So you are "correct" if you just don't want to see him. You don't need a reason. But you are incorrect to say anyone who has been in a 5 year relationship and was dumped, can never love again. You are not interested to find out how long ago his relationship ended because you already made up your mind. By the time you're in your late 40's everyone has a past. Seems you're grasping for a reason to not see him. If you had been open to finding out how long ago his relationship ended, I might have said yes you're right, rebound, stay away. But you don't want to explore possibilities, so I have to disagree with you.
preraph Posted March 3, 2019 Posted March 3, 2019 You can't assume every guy who's ever been dumped, that you will be a rebound. Truth is some people are rational and accept it's over and move right along. Also, guys rarely ever want to be "just friends." So that's not it. This is your baggage. We don't know that he has any. I wouldn't even ask about it and just see if he brings it up about how she broke up with him and he was heartbroken or if he doesn't even bring it up, treat it as it's in the past. And likewise, don't YOU be the one to bring up your baggage. It's going to stop a guy in his tracks every time. You don't need to use a new man as a confidente and unload all that on him. They hate that. Even if he asks, keep it brief and vague.
Author Auggie Posted March 3, 2019 Author Posted March 3, 2019 Ok, so you don't currently have evidence that this is the case with the new guy, right? The breakup could have been a year ago, and he could be fully healed. As other posters have said, I encourage you to gather more information before you jump to a premature conclusion based on fears/past situations. Give this guy a chance! : ) No, I don't have any evidence that this guy is not emotionally unavailable. So, I guess that was an assumption on my part after all. I would love to give him a chance, but he needs to be the pursuer here. He definitely knows I want to see him again, and he agreed to contact me before he leaves at the end of this month, to see me. But if he doesn't, he doesn't. I would have to say you are incorrect. You already made your decision, you want reassurance (ie people to agree with you). You call it gut reaction. Well, no one can argue against a gut reaction. So you are "correct" if you just don't want to see him. You don't need a reason. But you are incorrect to say anyone who has been in a 5 year relationship and was dumped, can never love again. You are not interested to find out how long ago his relationship ended because you already made up your mind. By the time you're in your late 40's everyone has a past. Seems you're grasping for a reason to not see him. If you had been open to finding out how long ago his relationship ended, I might have said yes you're right, rebound, stay away. But you don't want to explore possibilities, so I have to disagree with you. Well, yes, I thought asking for reassurance that my gut feeling to not become Rebound #4 by not pursuing this guy, was the right thing to do, since he didn't tell me when his last relationship ended. I do want to see him again. I would enjoy dating him b/c we have this natural chemistry and have known each other for 3 months online before we met in person. So we already have an established chemistry with each other. When we met, it was great to see that online chemistry carry into real life without any effort on either part. We just naturally fit each other well. That rarely happens. I am open to finding out how long ago his last relationship ended. That information would help me decide if I'm a Rebound risk or not. But he didn't want to talk about when that relationship ended, when it popped up in our conversation. I briefly told him about my ex from ten years ago, and told him why that r/s ended. But he did not tell me when his ex dumped him. He just eluded to her issues with him; she was jealous of his female friendships, she didn't like the fact that he wouldn't move to her city/state, but she didn't want to move to his city/state, and she thinks he spends too much time doing his work (which is technical-related). If he doesn't contact me again to meet in person, then this whole thread is irrelevant and my worry of becoming a Rebound #4 unfounded. If he does contact me again, I am not going to scare him off, by asking him "what do you want from me?" until we have seen each other a few more times. Does that make sense?
Author Auggie Posted March 3, 2019 Author Posted March 3, 2019 (edited) You can't assume every guy who's ever been dumped, that you will be a rebound. Truth is some people are rational and accept it's over and move right along. Also, guys rarely ever want to be "just friends." So that's not it. This is your baggage. We don't know that he has any. I wouldn't even ask about it and just see if he brings it up about how she broke up with him and he was heartbroken or if he doesn't even bring it up, treat it as it's in the past. And likewise, don't YOU be the one to bring up your baggage. It's going to stop a guy in his tracks every time. You don't need to use a new man as a confidente and unload all that on him. They hate that. Even if he asks, keep it brief and vague. Well, he did ask me about my last relationship so I told him. I kept it to three sentences: "We dated for a year. My family didn't like him. He was emotionally abusive." I didn't make him my confidante. We didn't spend more than a few minutes briefing each other about our exes. We spent the nearly 10 hour date flirting, dancing, laughing, telling stories, and sharing philosophies and insights and goals, etc. But our exes didn't dominate our conversations at all. We focused on each other in the present moment, not confiding to each other all night "woe is me" about our past relationships. Look, we're both nearly 50 years old. We have our own baggage. I know there is a time and place when to share that baggage with each other, but I always have believed in telling the truth when asked a question. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to avoid the truth either. If he was a recovering AA or NA, I'd expect him to tell me right away so I knew what to expect. The right person accepts your baggage, whenever you reveal it. The wrong person won't accept your baggage, whether or tell it to them immediately or later on in the relationship - whether you reveal your baggage in 8 hours or 8 years if the person isn't the right fit, they will reject your baggage regardless of when you decide the time is right to share it. But if the person is the right fit, they will accept your baggage no matter how soon you wait to tell them about it. That has been my dating experience at least. Edited March 3, 2019 by Auggie
Versacehottie Posted March 3, 2019 Posted March 3, 2019 You don't have to "put him on notice" directly, or harshly. You can ask a handful of innocent questions when it is right in the course of a conversation in the future--think you need to make sure you are actually on a date but let's assume it will head that way. Whether it comes up in that conversation as it relates to you two or in a future one when he is trying to make headway with you for something more solid, serious with you, you could just vaguely and generally state that you want to take your time due to "both" of your situations. Of course, for him that will then indicate there are things you want to see/know before you progress with him. If he wants a relationship with you, he will try to solve your hesitations in order to get closer. You have to be the stop gate (to protect yourself). He will probably ask more questions to specify at various points to see what he needs to do. In the meantime, he will probably show you. You can often convey what type of person you are in a relationship without calling the other person out directly which would be too soon maybe in some conversations with him right now. Idk, even when i am discussing life/relationships with my guy friends and acquaintances etc, i can tell who is still hung up and who isn't. It's rarely in the LITERAL answer someone says; it's in all the things they say and do around that. Anyway, you will need to get your answer from a multi-pronged approach and over time. You are long distance so that in itself is both on your side as far as creating time/space in which to discover this and not find yourself in a rebound relationship. And it will also test things because of the distance would be hard on two people who want a real relationship. I think it will take time no matter what. And you should do. good luck
Author Auggie Posted March 3, 2019 Author Posted March 3, 2019 (edited) You don't have to "put him on notice" directly, or harshly. You can ask a handful of innocent questions when it is right in the course of a conversation in the future--think you need to make sure you are actually on a date but let's assume it will head that way. Thanks Versace. For all I know, the time we spent together this weekend wasn't a date in his mind. I really don't know. If he contacts me this month to go out again before he heads back to his city/state, then I'll see what happens. But, if he doesn't contact me, and chooses to keep our communication online, then I will know that the near 10-hour date wasn't actually a date in his mind and that he wants to keep me as a casual acquaintance. He's not even FB friends with his ex either. He told me that while he has stayed friends with some of his exes on FB, she defriended him after she dumped him. Due to his line of work, he is friends with a lot of people, a lot of whom are women. That doesn't bother me in the least. I trust someone until they give me reason not to trust them. Plus, I showed him a photo of my cousin who lives in his state, whom I have plans to visit this summer to try to move there (to a city close to his). My cousin works in an industry that I want to work in, and she is going to help me try to establish roots in her city. So, if that works out in my favor, and he still wants to see me, then our "long distance" will be much shorter as we'd be in the same state. And, if I stay where I currently live, he comes here for a month every couple of months, which is a great way to get to know each other without any pressure either. So i view both scenarios as beneficial to building a romantic relationship with him, if this month is full of dates with him, that he initiates. Remember, we chatted online for 3 months before we meetup, so we already had a chemistry online that continued into real life without any issues. But this is all presumptuous on my part. I have no clue what he wants from me as he hasn't said anything to indicate that yet. Edited March 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Auggie Posted March 4, 2019 Author Posted March 4, 2019 Well, his actions spoke today. He PM'd me a funny photo in FB with a caption. I responded to it, adding that I was still smiling about the fun we had yesterday. No response. Message received. Time to start casually dating again without coming on strong. Moving onward. Thanks for your replies in my thread. It helped me actually come to the conclusion, that I probably came on too strong, due to being in the red with dating due to not dating for a decade and my first chance out of the gate, I went overboard. On paper, he's exactly what I need. When I calm down and start getting into the dating scene again regularly (whenever that happens -- if, it happens), I'll be more emotionally ready when another guy like him appears and is interested in me as I him. It all makes sense.
Author Auggie Posted March 4, 2019 Author Posted March 4, 2019 Good luck Auggie. Whatever happens... Thanks BaileyB.
Versacehottie Posted March 4, 2019 Posted March 4, 2019 I think you are having too much of a knee jerk reaction. How does cutting him off because you didn't get an quick enough FB message back (when maybe it didn't even require a response, don't think like a girl, think like a guy). if you want to take it slower so you can see what his intentions really are and that he's not rebounding, who cares that he didn't reply right away or have something to say from that? Actually that he isn't love bombing (hate the term but yeah) you, would be a pro in the "not rebounding" column. He's taking his time more as he should be. Depending on your previous time spent together, the way you worded your FB message could be seen as a bit much or just about right. I don't think you want him to know yet that you would be "all the way in". Mainly, because you don't know that yet (and because i really do believe you have to let him pursue you some so play the game a bit). Because you are long distance and because YOU are just starting to date again, you should probably date others as well but cut this guy off? No don't do that. Keep talking to him. I think from the lack of one little response is hardly enough info to come to the conclusion that he is not into you. The guy is probably gun shy of relationships and taking his time if he recently got out of one. I think I only wasn't sure it was a date because you didn't quite sound sure and then in subsequent posts you called it a date. I think it really depends on what he thinks it was as well. If he called it a date, if you kissed, then it's a date. I'm guessing a guy coming out of relationship might be in need of some ego boosts--so the message today and attention he gets from you can be to satisfy that and feeling wanted more than wanting to get into a relationship. You need to be careful of that. I don't think what happened today is an indicator one way or another though. Just try to relax. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 4, 2019 Posted March 4, 2019 Red flags for me would be talking a lot about the other person and a tendancy to progress the new relationship - either really quickly or really slowly. Dating is a time of discovery. Ask yourself, do I like him enough to see him again... that’s all you need to commit to at first. Get to know the guy, listen carefully to what he says and watch his actions. You will have your answer soon enough. Agree. You will notice that they tend to bash their ex all the time, bringing them up almost every conversation. Does he still contact her at all? If not, don't judge too fast. Some people I know have come out of relationship 4+ years and are not in a rebound w/their new partner.
Normm Posted March 4, 2019 Posted March 4, 2019 (edited) If he does contact me again, I am not going to scare him off, by asking him "what do you want from me?" until we have seen each other a few more times. Does that make sense? I told him what I think and left the ball in his court: to contact me if he wants to see me again. These 2 posts of yours are rather troubling. Ironically you mention not wanting to scare him off, while the content of those two posts point towards clingy, needy behavior that will do exactly that. Dating and courtship is a game, no matter how many people like to believe otherwise, it's like fishing, and you gotta dangle the hook and be patient. If you pull too soon, you lose the fish. Generally the guy is the fisherman and the girl is the fish, when those roles reverse it can get very tricky and the odds of success decrease dramatically. When the girl has the mindset such that she's making it overly clear that she wants to see the guy again and is "leaving it up to him" or cheapens and devalues herself to the point that she will actually say "what do you want from me", the guy is much more likely to lose interest because he doesn't see her as some sort of worthwhile "catch" because she has such a low opinion of herself that she puts the needs of a guy she hardly knows, above her own. Going forward- you meet a guy you like? Play it cool. Don't tell him how great he is and how attracted you are to him and how much you want to see him again. Let him chase, let him wonder, let him be a bit insecure about how you might feel about him. Don't be one of those people who say "I don't play games! If I like someone I TELL them!". Early on, such honesty is a recipe for disaster. Sure there are exceptions. My girlfriend and I are together 7 years now, living together for 4. I asked her to be exclusive on date 2. But we were on the same page and work the same way. Most people don't operate that way. Many would see that sort of approach as way too much pressure. Over the long run it's a losing strategy. Edited March 4, 2019 by Normm 1
Mrs._December Posted March 4, 2019 Posted March 4, 2019 I did tell him about my last relationship that was ten years ago. I joked with him that he shouldn't tease a woman who hasn't had sex in a decade, which prompted him to tease me relentlessly with innuendos that made me giggle all night. So you told him something that intensely personal about yourself, but he chose to be ambiguous about when his last breakup happened?
Mrs._December Posted March 4, 2019 Posted March 4, 2019 Well, his actions spoke today. He PM'd me a funny photo in FB with a caption. I responded to it, adding that I was still smiling about the fun we had yesterday. No response. Message received. Time to start casually dating again without coming on strong. Moving onward. Thanks for your replies in my thread. It helped me actually come to the conclusion, that I probably came on too strong, due to being in the red with dating due to not dating for a decade and my first chance out of the gate, I went overboard. On paper, he's exactly what I need. When I calm down and start getting into the dating scene again regularly (whenever that happens -- if, it happens), I'll be more emotionally ready when another guy like him appears and is interested in me as I him. It all makes sense. I'm sorry, but I think you're doing this guy a huge favor. You're too old to be acting like a drama queen teenager who thinks the world is coming to an end just because some boy didn't fawn all over her enough to her satisfaction and within the allotted time-frame. First, you're automatically assuming that you're a rebound without even knowing ANYTHING about the timeline of his last relationship. Then, when he doesn't answer some lame message on Facebook fast enough for your liking, he's 'showing his true colors' and must be dumped at once. Just the fact that you admit "when I calm down" as though something earth-shattering has happened simply because he didn't reply speaks VOLUMES about the level of unneeded and unwarranted drama you keep needing to force into the situation. Take it down a few notches. Women in this age group are supposed to be past all this drama and neediness.
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