freckles3131 Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 Here goes... Starting dating my ex-b.f We have been apart for 2 yrs.(friendly most of that time) He dated someone, and they broke up...she cheated/he was hurt. We continued hanging out a bit(I knew he needed his healing process, so didn't contemplate dating mode) This past month(month 3 since the break-up) We have gone out to dinner/movies/to each others place to hang out and....We have been having sex.. We are kind of "dating" to see how it goes. He also is up for a job in Indiana(far away from me) He isn't sure if he will take it. So here is the "strange part" We get along great. However, he doesn't kiss me when having sex. I asked him about it and he said "It is more intimate to him than sex" I said, "well, sex is pretty darn intimate and I feel even more intimate than kissing and besides we are in dating mode, so why not kiss?" I also said, "when people start dating don't they usually kiss on the first or second date? " He said "Yes, but that is when you don't have a history with someone"(which lead me to believe he feels he could "fall" for me and isn't ready at this time because of the possible moving away and perhaps some unresolved feelings for his ex... He also said that "It is more than just "sex" between us, cuz if it wasn't he wouldn't be asking me to movies/dinner/out in public etc....otherwise" So....do you think the whole thing is due to his possibility of getting this job and moving and he doesn't want us to get any closer and one or both of us get hurt by the move or....do you think he isn't over his ex yet and needs to keep his emotional distance(but isn't having sex/cuddling/going on dates intimate for men??I mean he is very "loving" when we are together in other ways...but he seemed to really feel that kissing was the ultimate show of love..... How long do I wait? Say if he doesn't get the job in Indiana? I need kissing and want him to show me that...but I want it to come from him and not because I am "making him kiss me"...you know? How long is enough time to give it? I really still have feelings and I think he has feelings as well...but I don't know the extent of it, due to his not being able to kiss me at this time...Is his not kissing me his way of saying to me he is afraid of being hurt and can't go "there" yet? Or is it his way of justifying...he is getting his needs met(sexually/fun with dating etc..) and he isn't "committing to anything because hasn't "kissed me"(his way of "committing" Could it be that important to a guy? I guess if a guy didn't care he would just have sex/kiss/hang out and wouldn't think anything of it...the fact that he is not "ready" at this time...means he must feel something more for me but truly isn't "ready" because he might move away or isn't over his ex....yes? no? or waaay off base? I need a man's perspective fast! HELP!
poeticus Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 Kissing is an intimate act, moreso than sex..he's right. And the fact that he's NOT kissing you is a bad sign. I hate to say this, but it sounds like he's avoiding an intimate connection with you. Why? Who knows, hard to say. Maybe he's afraid of getting hurt. Maybe he doesn't want to form a strong connection yet. Is there foreplay before sex? Does he spend time kissing your body, stroking you, things like that? Does he push for sex a lot? Do you two ever just hang out and have a good time, and not have sex?
Author freckles3131 Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 If anybody pushes for sex, it's me. Also, yes...he does alot of stroking, caressing, looking at me in a loving way, kisses my forhead, holds my hand etc...He has also done sweet jestures...(buying my favorite wine and keeping it in the fridge at his place...he said, "look, I thought of you while shopping today" For my birthday...a huge bouquet of flowers, a gift bag with alot of expensive candles, dinner out, breakfast cooked by him in the morning...rubbing my back during movies(not to get to the sex...we have just cuddled and watched a movie without going there) Calls to talk to me about the possible new job, brought the job description for us to look at together over dinner....so, does this help...should I take what he said at face value..."kissing is very intimate. And it makes a difference that we have a history" I should also say that we both have permission to date others...he hasn't(due to him needing to take some time to figure out what he wants and wanting to hang out with me) I have gone on a few dates(no kissing/no sex) but haven't gone on any in the last month....he says things like "Who was that on the phone?" when I get a call...and makes other "jealous" statements...I have been trying to be cool and casual to allow him his space to sort stuff out from the break-up..I have been single for 2 yrs. now....he knows I have feelings...could his fear be that he doesn't think I have strong enough feelings for HIM? And that is why he is holding back emotionally...he feels he could get hurt because we DO have a history? and he KNOWS he could feel strong feelings?? And my being aloof is only making him scared? I was thinking once we find out if he is moving, I should lay it on the table....just tell him..I don't want to date anyone else, I was only going on dates so I would keep my emotional distance while he got over the ex-g.f. that burnt him..if I didn't have a "distraction" during that time, I might have come on too strong too fast...(*I have never stopped loving him...and it would be too easy for me to do just that...and he was not ready to go there....and I will say, I KNOW his self-esteem was shot to hell from this chick...so maybe that's it...he is afraid I don't feel enough for HIM??? What do you think? THanks for writing by the way!!
poeticus Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 It sounds like he's a decent guy who really cares about you, but yeah he sounds a little jealous. So perhaps he really is just putting off the kissing thing until he feels comfortable. He might be a bit guarded due to his last relationship failing, or even the history you two have. Take it slow, show him you really care about him, and eventually he'll come around. How old are you two, by the way?
Author freckles3131 Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 I'm 38 he's 29....he said to me that it was the first time he had ever truly been hurt...and he knows I am a person that usually says it like it is....to the point. And I used to wear my heart on my sleeve....but I am now a bit wiser and playing it smarter...I saw how hurt he was and KNEW he needed to sort stuff out and I want him to want to be with me, not because it made/makes him feel better inside(after being burnt) but because he wants to be with me..for me...you know? Easy to fall when one is heartbroken and has someone there to make it all better...so I have been supportive, friend-like, yet somewhat loving...it might be confusing to him....he is prob. thinking I don't love him "as much as I used to" because I haven't shown it like the old me would have...but, someone needed to keep things in check until some time passed....it wouldn't have been too smart for me to reveal how I felt one month into it....I would NEVER truly know if he loves me because of me or like I said, because he was wounded and I was the band-aid.....Should I just spill my guts if he ends up staying here and not moving? Or....give it some more time and let him tell ME how he feels.(or with him being a "guy" and knowing how guys are...will that never happen unless he knows I feel the same....(fear of rejection)
poeticus Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 If you don't reveal to him how you feel about him, he will probably be watching your behaviors to gauge how "safe" it is for him to admit to you how HE feels. So keep a consistent behavior. What I mean is, don't start going out on dates all the time, but then come back and give him attention--it's confusing. Actions speak way louder than words, so act how you feel about him. No need to say anything. With consistency, he'll naturally get up the courage to tell you how he feels.. if he indeed feels that way.
Author freckles3131 Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 So if actions speak louder than words...should I also be paying more attention to his actions? And...do the other actions(the caressing, loving stuff) speak louder than his not being able to kiss me? Or is it the non-willingness to kiss me speak louder?? I guess that would be my original dilemma? From a man's perspective....would you say he is "telling me something" by wanting to spend time with me, being caring etc..during those times or is he telling me something even more by not being able to kiss me at this time? I will say he doesn't know that I'm not still dating others...should I tell him that? (if indeed, he is holding back due to him thinking I perhaps don't think him "worthy enough' to want to be with him and only him..*perhaps he might be thinking that??) I don't want him to think that....I guess it would be best for me to at least say something to that effect, don't you think? Or.....not? Wait it out...? If he has distrust issues due to this ex of his....he might be thinking I'M using HIM for sex etc.....or just in the interrum?(spelling?) Thanks for listening....
Author freckles3131 Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 So keep a consistent behavior. What I mean is, don't start going out on dates all the time, but then come back and give him attention--it's confusing. Not sure what you mean by this....do you mean...him thinking/knowing I'm dating others than coming to him and giving him attention?? Confused here...
Kitteney Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 So, did he kiss you when you two dated the first go round? If no, then you shouldn't think it's odd. If yes, well, you have to wonder what is different this time. I don't buy the "history" thing... It's o.k. to be intimate with a someone new but not with someone you've dated previously? One would think it should be easier to be intimate with someone you have history with. The comfort level should be high, you've already experienced most of the awkward moments. I would proceed with caution, especially since things might change if this job thing comes through.
poeticus Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 I mean if on one hand you spend time with him and show that you're really into him, then go out on dates... it's kind of confusing. Unless you two have already agreed to date others. But... if you have agreed to date others, how do you ever expect for you two to become closer? Just some food for thought.
poeticus Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 I don't buy the "history" thing... It's o.k. to be intimate with a someone new but not with someone you've dated previously? One would think it should be easier to be intimate with someone you have history with. The comfort level should be high, you've already experienced most of the awkward moments. True, but sometimes when you're with someone you've been with before, you're wary the second time around. Emotions are a bit raw because obviously things didn't work out the first time. I can understand why he would want to be cautious with intimacy. Judging based on what freckles is saying, it sounds like he's being honest. But one can never be 100% sure.
Author freckles3131 Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 No....now that I think about it...we didn't kiss much...on the neck, forehead, face etc...yes... So he might not be the kissing type then? Are there guys that don't care for kissing? I guess I didn't realize what I was missing when we were together...with the lack of kissing...(and no, I don't have bad breath....brush teeth, mints, gum, non-smoker) Maybe it would just be weird to him? He did make a point to give me a longer than usual kiss in the morning before he left the other day....made a definite point of it....maybe he just never was a big kissing kind of guy...is this average??
poeticus Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 Try not to think of people as "averages" or what's "normal." Everyone is so very different... It might just be intimacy issues. Especially if it's uncomfortable for him to stare into your eyes..that's another sign. It's hard to say. Some of these things can only be discovered after being drilled by a psychologist.
Author freckles3131 Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 I mean if on one hand you spend time with him and show that you're really into him, then go out on dates... it's kind of confusing. Unless you two have already agreed to date others. But... if you have agreed to date others, how do you ever expect for you two to become closer? Just some food for thought. Right, esp. with the "new me" being independant and self-assured more than ever...and with me still "dating" other guys....and with him feeling a bit low about himself no wonder he is holding back...he has no idea what to think....about how I feel...to him, he prob. sees that I care about him(I do send alot of "friendship poem" type emails..but he prob. thinks I care, maybe have some love but not enough to stop dating other people...so why get too attached to me....to only possibly get hurt again......a feeling he does NOT want to relive...I have to tell him I only want to see him and tell him how I feel(to some extent) don't you think??? Life is short...why not just be honest? (that is IF he isn't moving....OR should I tell him in case he would stay here knowing this??????? I don't want to be the reason he chooses to stay here...but then again, maybe he wants a reason to stay....
Author freckles3131 Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 He was having trouble looking into my eyes, but just this last week...I noticed him looking at me alot more....
poeticus Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 Honesty works pretty well. I would say tell him how you feel honestly, but don't push the issue. Just bring it up once, and then pretend you never said anything. He won't forget. And I'd tell him before he decides to move.. maybe this will be a deciding factor in his move? Love is a perfectly valid factor in life decisions like this.
Author freckles3131 Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 Your advice is very mature and well-thought out. Very straight-forward...I appreciate it...ALOT! It helped tremendously! Thanks for putting forth the time and effort...you did your good deed for the day... ;-) seriously. I like poking around this website...I'm sure we will chat again.
poeticus Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 No problem. I'm here solely to offer advice. Good luck!
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