Smooth sailing for months, and all of a sudden missing my ex. Do I tell my GF?

March 2, 2019

Good day everyone.

I will try to keep this as short as possible, with a brief summary.

My EX and I dated for 3 years. I was(sometimes feel like I still am) madly in love with her. She was the girl that made my heart pound heavily just by being next to her. She was always a little cold, and unexpressive, but I loved everything about her. She was perfect to me, especially physically.

Admittedly, after it becomes long distance, her lack of expressing, and her lack of communicating her problems to me, her lack of excitement whenever I came back to town, made me very insecure. She never picked me up when I landed, she always showed up late, it just gave me red flags. I never doubted that there was another guy, but I also did not feel that she was in love with me. If ever I calmly spoke to her about something, she would shut me down, or make me feel bad about it.

This resulted in a lot of frustration, arguments, more insecurity, and me being a little bit of an annoying and jealous boyfriend. I do feel that she brought out the worst of me as I am otherwise not that kind of boyfriend when I am in a happy relationship. Everything went downhill from there, but I never lost my love for her.

I have a very stable job, and she was unemployed, and so I asked her to move in with me, to which she refused. She wanted to go to another Country very far away, and that was why we had no choice but to end it. She didn't picture life where I am, and I have an extremely good career, which I could not let go.

I may be old fashioned, but I always believed that if she truly did love me, that would matter more than moving to another country. I truly would have moved to be with her, but I would have ended a professional career that took me 6 years to achieve. Meanwhile she was unemployed anyway.

It becomes toxic for the both of us, and we brought out the worst in each other towards the end, and so we let things end.

Today, about 2 years since my EX, I am in a VERY healthy relationship with my best friend of 14 years.

She is the dearest friend in my life. She is caring, loving, and very sincere.

I do admit that I am not as attracted to her as I was my ex, but she truly makes me a better person. She makes me happy, and she makes me feel like I am enough. She does know that I love her, we go on trips together very frequently, and even though we are in a distant relationship for now, we make it work very well. We talk about anything for hours, and we share a LOT in common.

Dating my best friend has been the easiest relationship, and the healthiest one I have ever been in. We never question each other about anything, and are very secure with one another.

Every now and then I have a lust for my ex girlfriend. The physical attraction gets the best of me. I never miss how she was as a person, or how she treated me, but I miss her voice, her hair, the way she looked, and the way I felt when I looked her in the eyes.

My GF will be shattered to learn this, and I truly don't want to hurt her.

I do not know why I am experiencing these feelings when I am in a happy relationship, but I would love to get some insight.

March 2, 2019

What is it about your current girlfriend physically that you don’t like? Is she not as fit or doesn’t go to the gym? Everything else sounds perfect to me. Do you go to the gym? maybe you can take her. If the only problem is physical that can be fix either by nutrition, working out or a good cosmetic surgeon. You can’t fix a bad personality, she comes to you hardwired that way. It’s permanent.

Looks fade but personality lasts forever. I’m into strength and conditioning, and I see and meet a lot of beautiful women with beautiful bodies online and off but I don’t want all of them either. I only want one good one.

If your girlfriends looks are such a huge dealbreaker to you that you really, really can’t get past it then do the poor girl a favor and let her go. You need to do some soul searching here. But I’d say you have a good one. A lot of guys would like to have what you have.

And your ex wants to leave the country because she doesn’t dig you. Don’t try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Edited March 2, 2019 by Interstellar

March 2, 2019

You are thinking with the wrong body part.

You were right when you concluded that if your EX truly cared about you she would have wanted to settle down rather than pursue her dreams about going to another country. In the end she chose to follow her dreams which was the best choice for her, even if she was unemployed.

Now you have a great GF in your BFF. You know she is superior in many good qualities but the EX is hotter. That is the only thing she has going for her & really did it make up for the bad things? No. You said it yourself. The relationship became toxic.

So reassess your current relationship by using your heart & your head. Especially if you don't want to hurt your GF, never mention these fleeting lusty thoughts you have about the EX.

March 2, 2019

What is it about your current girlfriend physically that you don’t like? Is she not as fit or doesn’t go to the gym? Everything else sounds perfect to me. Do you go to the gym? maybe you can take her. If the only problem is physical that can be fix either by nutrition, working out or a good cosmetic surgeon. You can’t fix a bad personality, she comes to you hardwired that way. It’s permanent.

Looks fade but personality lasts forever. I’m into strength and conditioning, and I see and meet a lot of beautiful women with beautiful bodies online and off but I don’t want all of them either. I only want one good one.

If your girlfriends looks are such a huge dealbreaker to you that you really, really can’t get past it then do the poor girl a favor and let her go. You need to do some soul searching. But I’d say you have a good one. A lot of guys would like to have what you have.

Thank you for the response.

She used to be obese many many years ago, but is working really hard on her body actually. We are both addicted to the gym, me for much longer than her. Fitness has always been a huge part of my life, and since 5 years a huge part of hers as well. She is slowly getting very fit.

I know I might sound extremely mean, but she does not have small breasts. I have always been fond of nice breasts.

On her own, there is nothing that I cannot look past. Quite frankly, anything that she lacks in her physical appearance, she makes up for tenfold in the kind of person she is. She is the most considerate woman I have ever met in my life. I can be myself 100% and she loves me for it. I try to learn to become better just by being with her, because she deserves it.

Do I feel that rush and heart pound when I was with my ex? No. But I believe that is because this is more "real" so to speak. We are both in a happy, and healthy relationship, and we have known each other for 14 years.

What is bugging me is why I am thinking and missing my ex so much.

On and off, this feeling comes and goes every now and then. If her pictures comes up somewhere, it sometimes rushes back. I do not speak to her, every now and then I do break and stalk her account which I otherwise have "muted" so I don't see her posts.

March 2, 2019

You are thinking with the wrong body part.

You were right when you concluded that if your EX truly cared about you she would have wanted to settle down rather than pursue her dreams about going to another country. In the end she chose to follow her dreams which was the best choice for her, even if she was unemployed.

Now you have a great GF in your BFF. You know she is superior in many good qualities but the EX is hotter. That is the only thing she has going for her & really did it make up for the bad things? No. You said it yourself. The relationship became toxic.

So reassess your current relationship by using your heart & your head. Especially if you don't want to hurt your GF, never mention these fleeting lusty thoughts you have about the EX.

The funny thing is, she still hasn't moved 2 years later.

She was always the person that had great ambitions but did nothing about it.

I do know deep down that she cared for me, but never loved me in the way that I loved her. I do believe she would have picked me otherwise.

You make a valid point in that it didn't make up for the other bad things.

Thank you for the help and validation.

March 2, 2019

Thank you for the response.
She used to be obese many many years ago, but is working really hard on her body actually. We are both addicted to the gym, me for much longer than her. Fitness has always been a huge part of my life, and since 5 years a huge part of hers as well. She is slowly getting very fit.

Oh, so you’re saying she’s into self improvement? well, there you go.

I think you’re still rationalizing with your ex. She doesn’t want you. Forget her.

And like I said previously, you need to do some soul searching because there’s a reason why she’s your best friend for fourteen years. She’s not your type physically and you just don’t want to be alone.

March 2, 2019

Oh, so you’re saying she’s into self improvement? well, there you go.

I think you’re still rationalizing with your ex. She doesn’t want you. Forget her.

And like I said previously, you need to do some soul searching because there’s a reason why she’s your best friend for fourteen years. She’s not your type physically and you just don’t want to be alone.

Thank you.

I think she wasn't my type physically, but this was back when she was obese.

She has lost a ton of weight and looks very beautiful currently.

She may not be the type I usually go for, but I have grown to love her very dearly. We share a lot of intimacy, and it does certainly feels right.

I do agree that I do not want to be alone, however I am surrounded by beautiful colleagues and have many mutual friends that show a lot of interest. Getting another girlfriend is not what I fear.

I simply cannot connect to anyone mentally and emotionally like I do with my current girlfriend. It has been difficult to deny how amazing it is to understand each other to the level that we do.

March 2, 2019

I actually feel sorry for your girlfriend, she would be devastated if she knew how you really felt. The way you talk about her breasts is mean, you sound very superficial.

Your girlfriend has a great personality and is going to the gym to get fitter for you. You have it made, yet it is not enough.

It is not fair to be comparing your ex to your girlfriend. You should not be with your girlfriend if you feel like this, let her go but do not tell her it is because of your physical attraction. That is cruel.

March 2, 2019

I actually feel sorry for your girlfriend, she would be devastated if she knew how you really felt. The way you talk about her breasts is mean, you sound very superficial.

Your girlfriend has a great personality and is going to the gym to get fitter for you. You have it made, yet it is not enough.

It is not fair to be comparing your ex to your girlfriend. You should not be with your girlfriend if you feel like this, let her go but do not tell her it is because of your physical attraction. That is cruel.

She is not going to get fitter "for" me. She is doing it for herself.

I do love her, and I do treat her well. She does not feel like she is not enough, and I have never made her feel that way.

I truly am not comparing her to my ex. I am simply trying to understand why I still keep thinking so deeply of my ex every now and then, when I am otherwise in a perfectly healthy relationship.

March 2, 2019

I truly am not comparing her to my ex. I am simply trying to understand why I still keep thinking so deeply of my ex every now and then, when I am otherwise in a perfectly healthy relationship.

You have a yearning for a flawless past that never was. Time dissipates emotions and feelings over time.

March 2, 2019

She is not going to get fitter "for" me. She is doing it for herself.
I do love her, and I do treat her well. She does not feel like she is not enough, and I have never made her feel that way.

I truly am not comparing her to my ex. I am simply trying to understand why I still keep thinking so deeply of my ex every now and then, when I am otherwise in a perfectly healthy relationship.

i think you're craving for that feeling you felt forwards your EX that you can't feel towards your current GF. Perhaps you do love your GF but you might love her in more of a best friend kind of way. It sucks but you have to make your choice. Either stay with your current GF and be content with what you have, or move on/tell her the truth and go on your journey to find the right one. Someone who is healthy for you but also makes you feel the love that you had towards your EX.

I mean it's a beautiful thing to be dating your best friend of 14 years. No one would understand you more than her. But it doesn't turn out the same for everyone. I've done the same before. But honestly I felt the same way you did. Eventually I let him go because I loved him more like a friend rather than in a romantic sense.

March 2, 2019

Your perfectly healthy relationship is not enough, it never was from looking at your previous threads.

Even losing weight and working out hard has not turned her into your "ideal" and your thoughts wander back to your ex.

You have turned your BFF into an even closer BFF, but she is not "lover" material, and that is a big deal.

I think this is unsustainable, long term.

March 2, 2019

i think you're craving for that feeling you felt forwards your EX that you can't feel towards your current GF. Perhaps you do love your GF but you might love her in more of a best friend kind of way. It sucks but you have to make your choice. Either stay with your current GF and be content with what you have, or move on/tell her the truth and go on your journey to find the right one. Someone who is healthy for you but also makes you feel the love that you had towards your EX.

I mean it's a beautiful thing to be dating your best friend of 14 years. No one would understand you more than her. But it doesn't turn out the same for everyone. I've done the same before. But honestly I felt the same way you did. Eventually I let him go because I loved him more like a friend rather than in a romantic sense.

Thank you for the response.

Quite frankly, I am not sure how the love I had towards my ex would have felt if we were happily in love and together at the same place. Would the rushing heartbeats, the feeling high while being around her subside and become more of a norm, I do not know. We spent a huge chunk on long distance, and with many problems. It was less "real" than what I currently have if that makes sense.

I certainly do understand what you are saying though.

Out of curiosity, did it feel weird to kiss him? This is not the case for me.

What were the signs that made you end things?

I have to add that I do think of a life with her. We have spoken about it, and I did mean what I said. I do see a home with her, filled with love, laughter, filled with companionship, and with understanding.

Do I feel the rushing love I did with my ex? No. What does that mean? I honestly do not know.

March 2, 2019

I'm torn - on one hand I would say don't tell your girlfriend because I know if it was me I wouldn't be able to forget and would doubt the depth of your feelings for me.

But on the other hand, it's not fair for her to NOT know. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is secretly pining after his "perfect" ex. Plus, in my experience, it doesn't matter if you don't say anything - the other person can feel the distraction and wonder what they are doing wrong.

It sounds like you are still in love with your ex, meaning you are not truly emotionally available for anyone else - including your girlfriend.

If the tables were turned, what would you want your girlfriend to do?

March 2, 2019

Your perfectly healthy relationship is not enough, it never was from looking at your previous threads.

Even losing weight and working out hard has not turned her into your "ideal" and your thoughts wander back to your ex.

You have turned your BFF into an even closer BFF, but she is not "lover" material, and that is a big deal.

I think this is unsustainable, long term.

I think as a kind member "Interstellar" said, I really do need to do some soul searching.

It has not been an easy ride, but I have come to a place where I am very happy and content. We took a trip away just few weeks ago and it was one of the best trips I have ever taken.

It took a long time to get to this place, for the both of us.

I do wish to be honest to her, she does deserve it, and of course, to myself, and hence, time to really think things through.

March 2, 2019

I'm torn - on one hand I would say don't tell your girlfriend because I know if it was me I wouldn't be able to forget and would doubt the depth of your feelings for me.

But on the other hand, it's not fair for her to NOT know. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is secretly pining after his "perfect" ex. Plus, in my experience, it doesn't matter if you don't say anything - the other person can feel the distraction and wonder what they are doing wrong.

It sounds like you are still in love with your ex, meaning you are not truly emotionally available for anyone else - including your girlfriend.

If the tables were turned, what would you want your girlfriend to do?

If tables were turned, I would want to know.

I get a relapse every now and then with my ex, but I do not think of her all the time otherwise. Finding it hard to understanding why it comes back and stings every once in a while.

I am not sure if it is love, or lust, that is what I feel towards her every now and then.

March 2, 2019

If you are going to stay with her do not tell her and if you are going to leave her don't tell her either.

It would take her a long time to get over that hit to her self esteem, so why be so cruel?

March 2, 2019

She was always a little cold, and unexpressive, but I loved everything about her. She was perfect to me, especially physically.

I did not feel that she was in love with me. If ever I calmly spoke to her about something, she would shut me down, or make me feel bad about it.

This resulted in a lot of frustration, arguments, more insecurity, and me being a little bit of an annoying and jealous boyfriend. I do feel that she brought out the worst of me.

Every now and then I have a lust for my ex girlfriend. The physical attraction gets the best of me. I never miss how she was as a person, or how she treated me, but I miss her voice, her hair, the way she looked, and the way I felt when I looked her in the eyes.

Lust is the word. You are most definitely thinking with your little head, and not your big head. If you were indeed thinking with your big head, you would never give up your current relationship to go back to your ex.

With time, we tend to remember the good and forget the bad... get back with your ex and you will likely remember in no time why that relationship ended. Those same feelings and frustrations will return, and you will no doubt find yourself pining for your “current” girlfriend.

Part of maturing and developing wisdom in this life is learning that there are more important things in life than small breasts and a smoking hot body... more important is a woman who is open, treats you with respect, and helps you to be a better person... You decide which woman will do this for you...

March 2, 2019

I certainly do understand what you are saying though.
Out of curiosity, did it feel weird to kiss him? This is not the case for me.
What were the signs that made you end things?
I have to add that I do think of a life with her. We have spoken about it, and I did mean what I said. I do see a home with her, filled with love, laughter, filled with companionship, and with understanding.
Do I feel the rushing love I did with my ex? No. What does that mean? I honestly do not know.

No it didn't. Unlike your case scenario, my best friend is very tall and handsome. Physically he'd be my ideal type. However, the sign was the same as yours.. the rushing love was just not there. Although I also saw a home with my best friend I just did not feel that feeling I felt with my previous boyfriend who I fell really hard for.

Honestly I agree with everyone else that it's not fair for your GF. You should talk to her. If I had a boyfriend who thinks about his EX often and doesn't have lust/rush love feelings for me, I'd be much happier if the relationship ended.

March 2, 2019

IMO you tell her nothing if you want to keep your GF. To me this will pass and I think you will be glad you kept your mouth shut.

We all have thoughts and feelings for others over the course of our lives whether it be a coworker, or an ex, or even a stranger. It's normal. You will look back and realize you made the right choice and appreciate what you have.....so don't spoil it.

Edited March 2, 2019 by smackie9

March 2, 2019

Lust is the word. You are most definitely thinking with your little head, and not your big head. If you were indeed thinking with your big head, you would never give up your current relationship to go back to your ex.

With time, we tend to remember the good and forget the bad... get back with your ex and you will likely remember in no time why that relationship ended. Those same feelings and frustrations will return, and you will no doubt find yourself pining for your “current” girlfriend.

Part of maturing and developing wisdom in this life is learning that there are more important things in life than small breasts and a smoking hot body... more important is a woman who is open, treats you with respect, and helps you to be a better person... You decide which woman will do this for you...

This is honestly what I needed to hear and be reminded of.

Thank you for the beautiful write up.

Evidently, both my heads are small.

I don't know why I need to remind myself how happy I have been, how wonderful my girlfriend is, and how I love spending time with her.

We recently went away for 9 days, and I did not tire of her for one minute. We talked about everything, laughed about everything, were intimate, it felt extremely pleasant.

Thank you.

March 2, 2019

This is honestly what I needed to hear and be reminded of. Evidently, both my heads are small.

I don't know why I need to remind myself how happy I have been, how wonderful my girlfriend is, and how I love spending time with her.
We recently went away for 9 days, and I did not tire of her for one minute. We talked about everything, laughed about everything, were intimate, it felt extremely pleasant.

Well, I wouldn’t say that...

The simple truth is, you have with your current girlfriend what some people search their whole lives to find.

Are there other people we find attractive and/or we wish we could have sex with? Sure.

Are there ex’s that we remember fondly and think about occasionally? Sure.

The thing is, thoughts and feelings are fleeting. It’s more important to keep a bigger perspective. These thoughts will pass, they don’t need to be acted upon. People with poor impulse control get themselves into a world of trouble when they act on thoughts/feelings to do what feels good in the moment.

You are welcome to do whatever you want, but in my humble opinion... trying to get back with your ex is like chasing rainbows. You don’t even know if she wants a relationship with you again. Besides, who would want to go back to a self-centred, non-communicative, dismissive, argumentative girlfriend... I don’t care how hot she is or how good the sex is - that would never be my choice.

If you do or do not stay with your current girlfriend, do not tell her what you are feeling. That would be devastating to most women. It will plant a seed of doubt about you and your relationship that will be hard for her to forget.

Edited March 2, 2019 by BaileyB

March 2, 2019

I don't really think it is really about wanting the ex back, it is about the loss of that great sex and the pride of being with a very physically attractive girl.

I also guess that whilst it is nice, comfy, warm and "Oh so healthy" being in the embrace of his kind and caring BFF turned gf, it is a tad boring...

No giddy frisson.

Edited March 2, 2019 by elaine567
spacing

March 2, 2019

IMO you tell her nothing if you want to keep your GF. To me this will pass and I think you will be glad you kept your mouth shut.
We all have thoughts and feelings for others over the course of our lives whether it be a coworker, or an ex, or even a stranger. It's normal. You will look back and realize you made the right choice and appreciate what you have.....so don't spoil it.

Totally agree with this. It will plant a seed of doubt that she has in the relationship--which could prove fatal or something that will tarnish the whole thing. When people are meant to be "honest", telling everything little thought that comes through your head is not what is meant.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that your personal feelings toward another person will have little ebbs and flows during the course of a relationship--which is totally normal. A lot of the time it has to do with you and how you feel toward yourself and what you want for yourself and you take it out or project it onto the other person. Like right now you might be feeling like you want this ideal "perfect" life and this person that you are not 100% physically attracted to doesn't fit your image of that. Instead of taking this as a "literal" thing which the mind has a tendency to do, you should take it as the little personal fluctuations that happen to all of us and often have much more to do with ourselves than the other person or the quality of that relationship.

I also think regarding the physical attraction that unfortunately for a lot of guys (biological, nothing you can really do about it) is that the INITIAL time you meet or are first dating a girl will be imprinted as far as your attraction to that person. So especially if someone was your type physically, like your ex, you will always think of them as very attractive and remain physically attractive even as the attractiveness legit changes (i.e. weight gain or getting older or not taking care of themselves). Not to mention that even as you are being exposed to personality and character traits and relationship dynamic that is not good and far from ideal, you will still hold them in higher esteem than you should because on initial meeting, first weeks of dating you were highly attracted. I think your dynamic with your ex also magnetized you toward her because she stayed out of reach almost the whole time, in spite of on paper really you were kind of better than her and a relationship should have been achievable. There are whole studies of people that "hang in there" when something (or someone in this case) is "just out of reach", like just a touch. I think if you think about it rationally you KNOW she really was not "perfect" for you, as the evidence itself bears out. So on this same biological impulse kind of reaction, the way you view your gf now, although she has made improvements to her appearance is always going to be colored by the first time you met her and what your attraction level was to her physically at that point, i.e. not much then.

I'd say you should concentrate on the things you love about her. Even the character traits that contribute to her being able to lose a lot of weight and work on her appearance are a lot of the times things that will last into old age, i.e. this gf might become your wife of 50 years who will consistently take care of herself whereas your ex, who has pretty much shown she is lazy, will let herself go in ALL ways as she gets older. Idk, something to think about. Also what i was going to say is that I feel like if your current gf was GONE or you broke up and wanted her back (which you probably would), you would APPRECIATE a lot more of the things you are somewhat taking for granted right now, including physical attractiveness. I think sometimes when things are easy and smooth and healthy, you don't realize what you have until it's gone. I think what is missing (especially since you were previous friends as well) is probably sexual tension or romantic tension that comes when you are not quite sure where you stand with someone and do worry about impressing them---which you already had with your ex and is probably deep down what you are longing for overall, not her specifically. I wish there was some way i could send a little bird to tell your current gf to create some of that. But since I can't, I think you should try to figure that out. Even telling her she should go out with her gf's too and really saying how good she looks with her weight loss, might cause her to get a little more cocky (in the best of ways) where then she might not been seen as so stable and reliable to you but where you'd almost create a dynamic that you'd be afraid to lose her--thus more attracted to her and truly appreciating her good points.

Last thing, if you really have such a blockage about her looks (which i didn't get that vibe) then you should let her go, as good as she is toward you. I will get sh*t for this part for sure: but if she ALSO does not like her boobs, then without saying it directly but if she mentions having a reduction, then be supportive, encouraging. She may feel that way herself, especially if she has lost a lot of weight but may be under the impression, since it's a common one, that guys like girls with bigger boobs. Her body, her choice but if she is leaning a certain way and it matches how you would like things best too, i see nothing wrong with some encouragement. Good luck

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Smooth sailing for months, and all of a sudden missing my ex. Do I tell my GF?

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