InsertHere Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Background about her: - 31 years old - longest relation she had was a 6 months - other relations were only long distance ( 2-4 hours of driving distance ) - she is smart - she itself told me a while ago: i make people run away from me - she likes/loves attention, on social media mostly - she doesn't has any close friends in real life We had 4 relations tenatives ( long distance also ): 1st relation tentative: - i felt in love hard, hard, hard, and we've seen eachother for 1 month - she avoided to see me for 1 and a half months using stupid excuses, after that i stopped contacting her and we broke up My conclusion: she kept me for that period until i've broke contact just for attention 2nd relation tentative: - almost three months after the "breakup" we've started to talk again - we've met a few times, but after that i've felt her cold again She had business in my town one day, and she refused to sleep over; i've shaked her down and she said she doesn't have feelings for me, and we need to stop. The ideea is that, if i would not shake her down, she would have return home and just play that "attention game" for another month or so. 3rd tentative: - after almost 4 months of no contact she contacted me with some stupid excuse, she was actually looking for restarting the relation, but i somehow avoided further discussions. 4rd relation tentative: - another 3 months after i've contacted her and start talking - after we've seen eachother once and she said the word "relationship" for the first time the big bang happened - she refused to see me next weekend, i've observed some strange patterns, called her before sleep and she acted very-very strange - next day after a few minutes she admitted she cheated on me with other guy During that day and the day after she talked with me for 6 hours in total, she explained that: - she couldn't refused because he knows her very well and the sex is good ( they had a relation way back ) - she didn't had thought i would suffer that much - she is somehow in-love with him - she actually wanted for me to find out because she likes games ( yeah, right, if i wouldn't had called twice i wouldn't find out ) - she wants me - she took a day off and came to see me in the 3rd day after the cheating I must admit i'm not that inlove like i was almost 2 years ago. But somehow i cannot forget her. Now we talk and everything is ok-ish. First question: Why did she begged for forgiveness and came to me in the 3rd day after for make-up sex ? Second question: Why did she wanted the 2nd, the 3rd and the 4th relation ?! The sex became better after the 4th relation, so sex wasn't a reason. Third question: What should i do next ? Somehow i care about her, but i don't have the same joy when she is texting me or calling me like i had before she cheated. Any other advice or opinion is welcomed.
FMW Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 The answer to 1 and 2 is that she probably just needed some attention and connection with someone and she thought you might be available (as you said, she needs a lot of attention and doesn't have any close friends). The answer to 3 is ignore her. She's not going to change and she's only going to hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself for being in that situation. Determine to move on and you WILL get over her and meet someone else for whom you will fall and surely have a better relationship.
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 What should i do next ? Somehow i care about her, but i don't have the same joy when she is texting me or calling me like i had before she cheated. If you no longer find the same pleasure and enjoyment from her company, then that is your own 'inner/gut instinct' telling you that it is time for you to move on. It doesn't mean that you haven't forgiven her...that's not the problem. The problem is that it sounds like she doesn't want 'forgiveness'; she only wants to be free/exempt of any negative consequences for her own negative, selfish, hurtful behaviour. You get to decide and choose if you're going to be that person 'patsy' who is willing to tolerate even the worst behaviour and treatment from others. (Don't be that person! !!!)
mark clemson Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 (edited) Run. Don't look back. Ignore or politely decline any further attempt at contact by her + block if needed. Find someone who knows how to have healthy relationships. Edited March 1, 2019 by mark clemson 1
Hopeful30 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 I think you need to consider more how she handled the situation. People cheat and for a variety of reasons. It doesn't make them bad people. But how she handles the situation is a precursor to how she will handle future challenges or difficulties in a relationship. The fact that she is running back and forth to ease her emotional roller-coaster tells me she's not ready for anything mature. I cheated once, and I sat my man down and confessed. I answered all his questions honestly and gave him space to consider our relationship. When he decided to keep going, I didn't run back and forth having random sex with him when I felt like it. I reassured him when he needed it, and bit my tongue when he had moments of insecurity. I broke his trust, and I did whatever was needed of me to rebuild our relationship. If a woman acts like a child after breaking your trust like that, what makes you think that she is a good candidate for long term? I would move on. Not because she cheated, but because she seems like she needs to grow personally before she can commit to a real relationship.
smackie9 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Just walk away...she and her reasons why who knows. Also why should you spend time and energy trying to figure it out. She ain't worth it....move on. 3
preraph Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 She wasn't that interested in your from the beginning, very lukewarm. So she's not going to be faithful because she's barely even in the relationship to begin with. This isn't working. Just move on. That's what she's doing. 3
Author InsertHere Posted March 1, 2019 Author Posted March 1, 2019 I think she looks for intense emotions in the beginning and then is just disappointed that she doesn’t feel anything. She told me she doesn’t love him or me, but is more attached to him. Also, i remember that around 8 months ago she told me: i cannot feel like the first love, i don’t feel much. That guy isn’t her first lover, but he knows how to push her buttons. He blocks her on facebook, and whenever he wants, he unblocks her and announce his visit. So, she just wants attention ? Important question: why she chosed me for anothe 3 relations but she didn’t picked a guy from her town or another guy from distance?
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Important question: why she chosed me for anothe 3 relations but she didn’t picked a guy from her town or another guy from distance? So...only she actually has the actual, true answer for that. YOUR question to answer is: what difference would her actual, true answer make to you? (HER true, actual answer, and not the answer that you and the rest of us here can speculate, assume, pretend we know or have insight into.) What difference would that make, to what YOU need to do to move forward? 1
Orokotikki Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Run to the hills! Run for your liiiiiiives! Seriously though, do run. 1
kendahke Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 i've shaked her down and she said she doesn't have feelings for me, and we need to stop. The ideea is that, if i would not shake her down, What exactly does your use of "shake down" mean here, because to shake someone down means getting money or information out of them by force (extortion). Did you beat her up or something? we've seen eachother for 1 month - she avoided to see me for 1 and a half months i stopped contacting her and we broke up almost three months after the "breakup" we've started to talk again - we've met a few times, but after that i've felt her cold again She had business in my town one day, and she refused to sleep over after almost 4 months of no contact another 3 months after we've seen eachother once she refused to see me next weekend, You don't have a relationship here... you have a lot of time wasting, but no relationship.
preraph Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 She chose you because you were there and available. 2
kendahke Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 So, she just wants attention ?[ She wants HIS attention, not yours. As you can see, she has no problem putting you down and picking you back up because, well, you were there to be picked back up... make yourself scarce and you'll have a different outcome.
Juha Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 Question 1: Why do you subject yourself to this idiotic woman? Question 2: Why do you disrespect yourself and go back with her multiple times? Question 3: What do you think you should do here? Now get some self respect and rid your life of this woman. You want to have a drama free, fun life. That's if you are mentally healthy, you do. Ask yourself what are you getting out of having this woman in your life besides drama and always questioning what is going on? Here is a suggestion: DUMP THIS WOMAN PRONTO!!! Then probably go get some counseling and figure out why you put up with this type of woman. I wish you luck 1
BaileyB Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 This is not going to be a healthy, committed, long term relationship for you. There were lots of red flags that she just wasn’t ready for a committed relationship. You ignored them, and this is the result. Save yourself some time and end it now. I’m sorry. 1
Author InsertHere Posted March 2, 2019 Author Posted March 2, 2019 By cheating me and answering the phone while she was in bed next to him, after sex, she clearly broke my heart, trust and made me "unfall in love". Imagine that she told me that he knows about me, even though she answered on the phone like: - What happened ? Why are you calling at this hour ( it was 22.30 ). Leave me alone ! Good Night ! On the end of 2nd relation when i've said "i've shaked her down" it means that i didn't accepted her stupid lies as i've usually did, and just confronted her with normal talk and relevant arguments that she actually can sleep over and something is wrong. If during our first relation i was even panicking by thinking she may cheat on me, now i don't even care, i'm like empty. I'm not saying i'm perfect, but i've never cheated, never insulted a women, never hit a women. I want a breakup advice, i've already started to write an email to her, any ideas on what should i put there ? I want to put an emphasis on lack of respect to me and to her by doing what she did.
FMW Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 I wouldn't send an email or communicate with her in any way. There is no reason and it serves no purpose. If you have to explain to her that she treated you with a lack of respect she's probably not going to understand it anyway. She's not worth your time or effort. Free yourself emotionally and move on. 1
whysotough Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 Run. Don't look back. Ignore or politely decline any further attempt at contact by her + block if needed. Find someone who knows how to have healthy relationships. Thats what I would suggest. Definitely
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 DO NOT send an email or any other heartfelt break up communication. She is obviously not into you, so anything you say now will not be taken seriously. These post break up emails/letters/texts/... very rarely have the desired effect, or any effect at all, it is usually a waste of time. BUT Writing down feelings can be cathartic so write as many emails as you want but never send them. 1
Ronni_W Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 I want a breakup advice, i've already started to write an email to her, any ideas on what should i put there ? I want to put an emphasis on lack of respect to me and to her by doing what she did. What I would strongly suggest is to not send it right away. Write at least three (3) different draft versions of what you want her to know. It won't matter what you write in the email, so you're really totally free to put whatever you want. Pour your heart out...but still wait before you send it. After three days, go back and re-read all your drafts; make changes; pour your heart out again. Now the difficult part: Highlight all the sentences that make you sound confident, competent, independent, mature -- like the person that you actually want to be. Put all of them in a new draft email. Then decide if you still need/want to send it; is it still worth your time, Energy, dignity and self-respect? - - all the while remembering that it's not going to impact or affect her, other than you'll be showing your true colours. Don't give her anything to be able to laugh at you or mock you.
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 send an email for what? She never respected you so why give her respect by send her this email? You want to be the winner? don't give her anymore attention. Go no contact, block/delete her. 1
mortensorchid Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 She is a trainwreck. She will pull something like this on you perpetually. Get out now.
Simple Logic Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 I believe she had sex with someone other than you, but she did nor cheat on you because obviously you two were never in an exclusive relationship.
Aussie90 Posted March 3, 2019 Posted March 3, 2019 Sounds to me like she has some issues and is not really ready for a relationship with you, she sounds a bit immature for her age and I would not continue with a girl like that as she is most likley going to do it again.
Author InsertHere Posted March 3, 2019 Author Posted March 3, 2019 I'm pretty much aware that she will not refuse him the next time, not necessarily for the sex, but she doesn't want to lose him. She said she won't stop talk with him because they didn't fight or something, but they will not see each other. ( HAHAHAHA ) She actually like the attention of guys in general on social media, and considers socializing with other men is ok. He is located at 6-7 h drive from her, so is preferably they meet half-way. If i do the math, she did put up a stupid lie at the end of December 2018 that she has business in another city, guess what, that city is located somehow half-way between them. Today she's coming home from a business trip ( God knows what she did there, haha ), and i will tell her i cannot continue.
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