Geoff1991 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 My GF says sometimes I’be been too clingy meaning that I always want to be around her and don’t give her space. I’ve been doing a lot better with this and she even told me that I’ve been better. I’ve doing everything I can to give her space if she wants to be alone. Overall I’ve been doing a great job. But today she texted me saying she’s sick and is crabby and wants to be alone. I texted her back and said I’m sorry, hope you feel better and if you change your mind later about seeing let me know. Otherwise it’s no problem. She hasn’t texted me back. I think I might have upset her again with being too clingy. I really try hard not to but once in a while I slip up. I think it stems from being adopted and having separation issues. I’ve told her this and she understands. But we just talked 2 days ago about how much better I’ve been lately and now I screwed up today.
FMW Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 She probably didn't text back because she's not feeling well. Your text didn't require a response, so since she's feeling sick and crabby she didn't feel the need to text just to be texting. You responded perfectly. Don't worry. 2
preraph Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Quit reminding her that you'd rather be with her. It's not well received. It's pressure. Glad you're trying to change about that. When she asks for space, just say, Okay. If she asks for space because she doesn't feel well, just, Okay, hope you feel better. Don't even allude to when you'll talk again. Give her enough space that she eventually is ready to contact you. And do NOT follow her around the house like a puppy. It's so annoying. And do not always touch her when she's near. Don't be like Pepe LePew. For a lot of people, that will get old, even if in the beginning it was okay with them. And don't sit around doing nothing waiting for her to resurface. Go do something out of the house. Go to a movie, go fishing, have a drink with the guys, go out to eat barbecue. Have something to tell her you did when she does resurface so that image of you sitting there wringing your hands waiting for her doesn't come to mind. Seriously. 1
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 No, you weren't clingy in the text, and you gave a proper message that wasn't clingy. BUT. Your reaction to not hearing back from her is clingy...and, when you analyze it, you will realize that your reaction is irrational: She said that she just wants to be alone today, right? And, 'being alone' means not interacting with other people, right? And so, that's all that is going on for her right now, yes? (How can she 'be alone' if she's also texting you back?) Have you considered individual therapy, or self-directed (on-your-own) development, so that you can learn to properly, permanently grow out of your 'clinginess'/emotional dependence. It is NOT attractive in adults. . 2
smackie9 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Just to let you know, when you have a GF that thinks you are too clingy, it means you are clingy to her but not to someone else....so that means you are incompatible. This relationship is unhealthy if you are in constant worry that you are being too clingy. There's a girl out there that would love to be clingy with you....go find her. 3
Author Geoff1991 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Posted March 1, 2019 I also should add that after I sent that text followed with a text saying that but I didn’t send the follow up text until 30 mins later so it might seem like I was looking for an excuse but really I just sent it at the same time. “Sorry I Texted and sent that last message just as yours came through that said you don't want company today. That's no problem I understand you want to be alone today. Hope you feel better.” Because she did text me at the same time I sent that and her text was the one that said “I don’t want company today I’m sick and crabby” So I sent that follow up one explaining why I asked to see her later so she wouldn’t get upset for me saying something. Was my follow up text too much? I still haven’t heard back from her. I’m hoping she’s just sleeping and hasn’t gotten back to me.
lurker74 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Just to let you know, when you have a GF that thinks you are too clingy, it means you are clingy to her but not to someone else....so that means you are incompatible. This relationship is unhealthy if you are in constant worry that you are being too clingy. There's a girl out there that would love to be clingy with you....go find her. This. We could shut down this thread now because Smackie knocked it out of the park, as per usual.
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Well...lots of words in your follow-up text. Think about this, for a minute: What prevented you from just saying, "We sent our last texts at the same time. Talk to you when you feel better." See the difference? No apologies and no all of those extra words. What is making you feel that you also need to add all of that? (Not that it's easy to come by these answers by yourself, but these are the types of questions that you need to be asking - and answering - for yourself. Which is why I earlier suggested individual therapy or {some serious} self-directed development.)
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 , when you have a GF that thinks you are too clingy, it means you are clingy to her but not to someone else.... This is not at all true! We take our 'clinginess', or 'narcissism', or 'sense of entitlement', or whatever, to each and every one of our relationships. (That's what 'emotional baggage' means.) It doesn't matter if it's relationships with siblings, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses, etc. We're responsible to resolve the underlying psychological issues, patterns, tendencies; not just to drag our baggage to our next unsuspecting victim. 1
lurker74 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 (edited) What is clingyness to one person is attentiveness to the next. Being clingy is very subjective. Narcissism is a diagnosis. I'd say those things are apples and oranges, mostly. Edited March 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 1
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 No, lurker74. 'Clinginess' is always 'clinginess'. It's that the person who perceives 'clinginess' (a negative adult trait) as 'attentiveness' (a positive adult trait), that person actually just has an issue or inability to properly perceive/discern true attentiveness vs. clinginess. Narcissism is only a 'diagnosis' because Big Pharma successfully lobbied for it, so that they could sell 'get-over-your-narcissism' drugs. (Look it up.)
preraph Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 (edited) Yes! When someone asks you to stop and give space -- stop texting! It just makes you look even more clingy and desperate to explain why you texted after she asked to be left alone. Just zip it. Edited March 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
preraph Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Clinginess once you'be been asked to stop and give space is gross disrespect and is no way okay. Now, I agree that you two probably are not compatible, but I disagree it's going to be easy to find someone who will sit still for letting you drain the energy out of them to the extent you feel the need to do it. On the other hand, you'd make a lovely dog owner. You need three.
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Clinginess once you'be been asked to stop and give space is gross disrespect True -- but the problem with being 'clingy' is that one seldom recognizes if, when or how one is actually being clingy...so, it's not actually willful disrespect. Do you have suggestions or examples of how people might be able to recognize 'clinginess' within themselves, so that they can stop it before it actually manifests into perceptible behaviour, attitudes, words or actions at the physical level?
smackie9 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 (edited) You didn't screw up....your text is the type that doesn't need a response that's why you didn't get one. You gave her the option to contact you later if she changes her mind. That's it. No issue. Edited March 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 No issue. Actually...this would be ignoring, discounting or minimizing the entire issue of this thread, which, to me, would be disrespectful of Geoff1991's sense and feelings of his situation/experience. When someone is suffering from 'clinginess', it is an issue or psychological pattern than can seriously negatively impact our ability to have and contribute to positive, supportive relationships. In my mind, Geoff1991 is correct and courageous to try to get to the bottom of it, on a personal/individual level, to permanently overcome and transcend it.
preraph Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 True -- but the problem with being 'clingy' is that one seldom recognizes if, when or how one is actually being clingy...so, it's not actually willful disrespect. Do you have suggestions or examples of how people might be able to recognize 'clinginess' within themselves, so that they can stop it before it actually manifests into perceptible behaviour, attitudes, words or actions at the physical level? It is once you ignore their plea for space, which his the case here. He kept texting and explaining, etc. and then mad that that tactic didn't get a response back.
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 It is once you ignore their plea for space, <snip> and then mad that that tactic didn't get a response back. I didn't get that it was a willful 'tactic' or that he was 'mad' (angry) at the response; only that he did what he felt the situation called for, and then became confused and anxious. Geoff1991, as preraph is pointing out, it is also for you to examine your own expectations to see if they are reasonable/realistic given the actual situation/circumstances in which you find yourself. (In this case, her feeling 'sick and crabby', and, because of that, desiring to just 'be alone'.)
Trail Blazer Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 Geoff1991: The best advice I can give you is try and focus on things in life that you wish to define you. Never make a partner the definition of your life. Your girlfriend needs to compliment your life, not be the center of it. Your clinginess isn't healthy or attentive. But I applaud you for coming forward. You may or may not be compatible with your girl. However, as a rule you need to not be so reliant on your girlfriend for your emotional wellbeing. I practise what I'm now preaching. I'm focusing on my life and the things I want to achieve in life. It removes me from the dread of worrying about why my gf randomly pulls away. My focus is in my direction and purpose. If the relationship ends, I have my direction and purpose to fall back on and I'll just continue on that path. 2
preraph Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 True -- but the problem with being 'clingy' is that one seldom recognizes if, when or how one is actually being clingy...so, it's not actually willful disrespect. Do you have suggestions or examples of how people might be able to recognize 'clinginess' within themselves, so that they can stop it before it actually manifests into perceptible behaviour, attitudes, words or actions at the physical level? When you want to know where they are and what they're doing all the time. When you can't stand being alone. 1
fred123 Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 being clingy is perspective. i had a girl call me clingy when i only texted her once a week. its all to do whether the girl is into you or not. its that simple. only a girl that isnt into a guy will say she needs space from him. iv seen it and experienced it all before. no one here wants to say the truth amd blame the girl for not being into him. if she was rrally into him she would love the fact her bf wants to see her while she is ill 2
FMW Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 I think I lean more toward smackie's and fred's views. Clingy is in the eye of the beholder. It probably comes more down to compatibility of needs for togetherness and level of interest. OP I don't necessarily see your extra texts as clingy in general. However, I do think you are far too anxious about making her happy as far as her ongoing need for space. To me that indicates you are trying to make a relationship work that probably isn't meant to be because of incompatible needs. I like plenty of space in my relationships. That doesn't mean someone who prefers to be together most of the time is clingy - just not a good match for me. Trying to make the wrong relationships work can sometimes bring out obsessive thoughts or actions. OP, unless you have this issue with every relationship you've been in, I wouldn't automatically be looking at this as something you need to change about yourself. 2
MaleIntuition Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 I disagree. Clingy and needy behaviour is a consequence of fear of abandonment and seem to correlate with anxious attachment. The fact that OPs gf is telling him that he is being clingy probably means that she feels - in a way - responsible for OPs happiness, which is a heavy burden for her. 1
Ronni_W Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 Clingy is in the eye of the beholder. It probably comes more down to compatibility of needs for togetherness and level of interest. That's true. Some people have greater tolerance and endurance levels than others; and two codependent people can happily coexist together for a long time or even an entire lifetime. Some people 'need' their partner to act jealous, as a sign of their partner's love. (It's dysfunctional but it still is that they think it's a valid 'need' and perspective.) 'Togetherness' for one person is 'clinginess' to the next. And I've also known very timid people who perceive assertiveness and/or direct honesty as angry attacks and brutal criticism. It is all personal perspective, as you say; but, what is driving a distorted perspective?
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 On the other hand, is pushing love and caring away, and demanding "space" any less dysfunctional? Emotional unavailability, evasiveness, fear of closeness and commitmentphobic tendencies, self sabotage, poor social skills, etc. "Everyone" seems to side with the opinion that "clinginess" is undesirable but is rejecting love and attention from a romantic partner and labelling them "clingy", any more "normal"? 1
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