SilverLining21 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Hi all, I’ve been really beating myself up over the last month on how a short term dating relationship ended. Have completely blamed myself so would just like some of your thoughts. I’ve been single for a few years out of choice due to previous relationships being emotionally abusive. I met this guy on a dating site and we started chatting and getting on really well. We text a lot, however the texts got quite sexual on his side quite early on. I kind of went along with it even though I wasn’t 100% comfortable (I know that is my issue and I probably shouldn’t have). He assumed before we even met that we would be having sex ‘a lot’ etc. We spoke for two weeks before meeting. When we went on our first date we went out for drinks (I got a little tipsy), he assumed he was staying at mine which he did, and we slept together (unlike me so soon, I know people may judge me on that, again, that’s my issue). After this we carried on texting, he asked for many ‘pictures’ of me which I sent a few, but he always asked for more. When I didn’t he would say things like ‘tease’ Or ‘all talk’. We went on 4 more ‘dates’ after this, which, to be honest, were more like just going to his or mine and then always ended in sex. I commented a few times on how I was ‘more than that’ and he would say ‘of course, just a bonus’ or ‘you’d think I don’t like you anymore if I didn’t want to have sex with you’. Basically the last time I saw him which was over a month ago he was ill so I took him food, painkillers etc round. We watched a film, I wanted to chat but he preferred the film, then we had sex again. Before I left I asked him if he was talking to any others as we had been seeing each other and were having sex (he even took pictures of me during), which is why I didn’t feel comfortable if he was still looking for other women. If we had literally just been seeing each other for a month and a half on dates I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking to be honest. He told me that he was just going on to his dating profile to answer messages that were sent to him. I went a bit quiet at this but thanked him for being honest. It was time for me to go anyway and I didn’t hear from him again. I tried calling him a week later but he didn’t answer. Then text him a couple of days later saying I’d called to apologise for how things were left. He replied he was alright, he’d seen I’d called but was drunk and then forgot. I text him again and he never replied. This was about 4 weeks ago. I know he had the thought that all women ‘turn psycho after three months and start checking phones’ and also that ‘if someone annoys him they are gone’. I just feel like maybe the reason he hasn’t contacted me is completely my fault?? Please be honest, but in a kind way! Lol! I know I shouldn’t have jumped straight into bed, that’s not usually me, I’m just blaming myself. Thanks for reading :-)
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Him not contacting you is not your "fault" You did naively misread this whole situation. I am not going to beat you up for having sex on the 1st date. If you were a willing participant, that was your choice. Here the problem was this guy was only ever about the sex but you completely ignored that glaring red flag. When you match with somebody from OLD & they talk about sex early recognize that for what it is: Somebody who wants to get laid. It is not somebody who is a great prospect for a relationship. When they are still on OLD after having sex with you, they are having sex with others & lying to you about it. Especially with OLD you have to assume that unless you have a real talk & make mutual promises to be exclusive, the other person is most likely multi-dating. If that doesn't work for you, then you have to refrain from sex until you get exclusivity. All in all chalk this up as a learning experience. Put him in your rear view mirror & move forward. Now that you know what to look for & what to look out for you can make more informed choices about how you want to conduct yourself. Happy hunting. 1
Author SilverLining21 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Posted March 1, 2019 Thanks for the reply. I think what made me start blaming myself was that he was texting ‘nice’ things too. Such as ‘good morning’ etc and mentioned a couple of places we could go together. I guess I just thought that meant he wanted a bit more :-(
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 People are nuanced. He's not a complete bad guy & had some good qualities. If he was truly horrible you never would have considered him. He was just more sex & less relationship then you hoped.
Interstellar Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Is this guy good looking or something? lol You need to be stronger and more assertive in setting your boundaries. Protect yourself from std’s and getting your heart broken. Don’t sleep with guys until a relationship has been established. Block and delete him because he will contact you again when he’s bored.
Mrs._December Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Never waste your time on any guy who starts in with the sex talk before you've even met him in person. That's a glaring red flag which tells you EXACTLY what he's looking for. Any guy who ever pulled that crap on me (7 years ago when I was doing online dating) got shut down real quick. If it was sex with some mouth breather that I wanted, I would have put an ad on Tinder or AdultFriendFinder, not the dating site I was on.
Author SilverLining21 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Posted March 1, 2019 Thanks all. Think I’m just finding this so difficult as I really did start to like him and finding it difficult that he has just cut me off now with no response :-( That’s kind of why I’m blaming myself
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 I really did start to like him and finding it difficult that he has just cut me off now with no response :-( That’s kind of why I’m blaming myself Think this through. How are you responsible for HIS actions? Stop blaming yourself. You should have cut him off in the beginning. But now he has shown his true colors & his absence from your life is actually a blessing.
Author SilverLining21 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Posted March 1, 2019 That’s what everyone is saying. Just a bit hurt lol. Silly me 1
Author SilverLining21 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Posted March 1, 2019 Think I’m just stupidly looking for some closure off him
Author SilverLining21 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Posted March 1, 2019 Block and delete him because he will contact you again when he’s bored. Don’t think this one will actually lol
chillii Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 (edited) Sorry but you must've mentioned sexual stuff God knows how many times in the very first post but really, there's not much of anything else in there even suggesting some kind of future or relationship. And whenever someone does that it's the same ol story in the end every time there's 100s of post through the forum read exactly the same ol. The two yeah go together but the other half of things needs to be equally as strong if not even moreso. You've gotta look at and handle something new from it's relationship potential point of view day one, if that's what you want. Edited March 1, 2019 by chillii
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Think I’m just stupidly looking for some closure off him Closure comes from within. It's not something he can give you. He also doesn't have any words that will heal your wounds.
Olivia_daviss Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Don't bother with online dating it will only come back to bite you
Gretchen12 Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 He can drop you anytime out of incompatibility or in favor of another woman he's talking to online, regardless of whether or not you had sex. You link the two as cause and effect (you had sex, therefore he dropped you), because that's how you think. Another poster may ask us why her online guy faded out, and never mentioned the sex part of it because she does not believe it's relevant. You were already afraid we would judge you about having sex. You seem to feel guilt. The problem isn't that you had sex with him (you are an adult. I assume you used protection.) The problem is you had sex and feel bad about it. You were not true to yourself.
Author SilverLining21 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Posted March 2, 2019 Thanks all for your replies. X
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