Do I perpetuate the lie in the short term?

[wonderment728]

Long story short:

 

My adult son really dislikes my boyfriend; he says he's not "as good as me" and I'm "settling by being with him.

 

Bottom line...he is really in love with me; is good to my other adult child and we may have a future together.

 

But I have to hide my relationship with him from my son who lives out of town. It makes me feel so bad but every time I was honest I'd get a backlash like you wouldn't believe - threatening he'd never come home to see me unless I broke up with the boyfriend, etc. Really viscous. I few times he asked me "what do you see in him" so that was calm and when I explained that I really enjoyed his company; I'm older and that is hard to find and he has a good heart, I get this weird look.

 

Anyway my bf is taking me away to Mexico this weekend and I was really torn whether to say anything to my son (who is already 25 and lives with his girlfriend) because I didn't want to hear a bunch of crap from him all weekend long. So I made the decision to tell him I was going away with my girlfriends (which I've done in the past). He then said "well we will facetime then"...I bet he wants to do this to "verify" my story. He also called my other child to see if I had told him the same thing (that child knows the truth and also knows I didn't tell my other kid the same story because of his terrible attitude).

 

Now what should I do? Isn't it too late to come clean or should I just tell him that I'll call when I can and leave it at that? What happens if he baits me?

[FMW]

Your son is being completely unreasonable. Unless the guy you're seeing is a con-artist or criminal or deviant, he needs to stop continuously trash talking him and threatening to stop coming to visit.

 

Has your son given you specific reasons he's so against the guy beyond the general statements you listed?

 

There is no way you should feel the need to hide what you're doing, much less lie to your son.

 

Tell him you appreciate his concern but he needs to back off and let you live your life. Easier said than done, I know.

 

I would go ahead and tell your son now. Tell him that his unreasonable attitude made you feel like you had to lie to him and that you now realize that was wrong and you want to have an honest relationship with him.

[jess060191]

Aren't you his mother? He needs to be a little more respectful in my honest opinion. You should not be tip toeing around him, it is your life and your relationship. Unless there is a true reason why he does not like your boyfriend then your son needs to get over it and respect your wishes.

[edgygirl]

It’s not his business whom you choose as a partner.

 

I also don’t like the partner of one of my sisters but he makes her happy and she’s back with him - although our family thinks he’s not that great. Seriously none of our business. It’s her life.

 

Tell him he has to respect yor choices, and you. Stop hiding it from him.

[Hopeful30]

Your son is being completely unreasonable. Unless the guy you're seeing is a con-artist or criminal or deviant, he needs to stop continuously trash talking him and threatening to stop coming to visit.

 

Has your son given you specific reasons he's so against the guy beyond the general statements you listed?

 

There is no way you should feel the need to hide what you're doing, much less lie to your son.

 

Tell him you appreciate his concern but he needs to back off and let you live your life. Easier said than done, I know.

 

I would go ahead and tell your son now. Tell him that his unreasonable attitude made you feel like you had to lie to him and that you now realize that was wrong and you want to have an honest relationship with him.

 

^^^^^This.^^^^^

[Normm]

Live your life and stop giving in to the demands of your son.

 

 

 

Chances are he'll come around once you stand your ground and he realizes he can't bully you or manipulate you into doing things his way. He might not but either way you'll be better off once you stop listening to him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why, specifically, does your son believe your boyfriend is not good enough for you?

 

We've had a couple of similar threads before, in which it was later revealed by the OP that the boyfriend in question did indeed have some dubious qualities about him and the adult children seemed to have valid concerns. So I am curious what the backstory is, if any, before commenting further.

Edited February 28, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[smackie9]

If your son is going to act like a child, then let him not contact you again. It is very immature to threaten you like that...you are an adult, it is none of his business, unless you are emotionally abused/physically controlled, or having your bank account drained, or you are supporting this guy.....then he has reason. So tell me, what is his deal to be talking to you like that? Is your BF an ex con? looking for his green card?

[preraph]

Take a hard look at this guy you're dating and be sure you're not overlooking any red flags, but at the end of that, if the answer is no, tell your son to stay out of it, that your romantic life isn't his business. Children will interfere if you'll let them and lots of times hate new people, no matter what.

[smackie9]

Are you two retirement age and your BF is broke? Then I can see why.

[Normm]

Are you two retirement age and your BF is broke? Then I can see why.

 

Ah, good catch.

 

Having little to no money at retirement age is a huge red flag and an almost sure sign of future problems. Your son might not be all that wrong. I mean, I don't like the way your son goes about trying to manipulate you but he might be seeing something that you aren't. Something that really matters.

[preraph]

As far as money, if he's retirement age, as long as he's been working steadily as an adult, if he's in the U.S., and I don't know that he is, he will at least have Social Security income.

[kendahke]

Who is the parent here? What he is doing is emotional blackmail with you---where the hell did he learn that tactic?

 

Eventually, you're going to have to reclaim your adult aspect and tell your grown son that you're grown and will be living your life the way you see fit; he is old enough to look after himself.

 

You do not have to ask his permission to do anything. You do not need his permission for anything and it's high time you let him know what his place is--and it's not your father, your husband or your warden. He is your child and he needs to remember that. You've done your duty to him--now's your time to live your life as you see fit, not as your son sees fit.

 

Just make sure your money and retirement are protected. As long as this guy you're seeing is solvent and is financially responsible, then there is no problem here except that your son believes you deserve to be alone for the rest of your life for whatever sick reason.

[Normm]

now's your time to live your life as you see fit, not as your son sees fit.

 

Just make sure your money and retirement are protected.

 

 

That might be it. The son and her other child might see her as being taken advantage of. They might not be wrong, and they might be saying and doing anything they can to prevent it since they don't trust that she's capable of doing it on her own.

 

 

 

Just a guess of course but there are some red flags with this guy for sure.

 

 

 

Is he really paying for that trip to Mexico? Is Trump really having Mexico pay for the wall? Same difference.