Author Lagoon1212 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Posted March 1, 2019 (edited) Yes you are being delusional and overthinking and to be honest it doesn’t matter what his intentions initially were. The fact is your ego is bruised so you’re trying to hang on to excuses for him to feel less used and/or not desired. ALL men will SEEM mega interested in the beginning BEFORE they bed you. It’s just the way it goes. It means nothing. Although they might be ultimately looking for a relationship, what matters is how they behave AFTER they do not get sex early on from you, or AFTER they do get sex. His behavior shows clearly he’s not interested in a relationship with you. Do you want a fwb? Or to be a second choice when he’s lonely? I bet you don’t. Stop trying to fit a round peg in a square hole and indirectly “demand” a relationship from him through angry needy texts. It will go nowhere and you will feel pathetic in a few days. Let this guy go. This is going nowhere. Sorry to be blunt but not sure why you’re overthinking this guy. But can we consider the fact that he started pulling away before we had sex. And no it wasnt because he realized he wasnt gonna get any and was getting tired. We had a date set up at his house that coming weekend, but I was cold with him and then dumped him over the text (then kinda backtracked) and he stopped regular everyday communication. I mean, you act like you were there with me every second of our dates. I get it what you are saying but I am honestly starting to rethink my actions as well because as someone said sex and relationship are not mutually exclusive... maybe I caused too much drama trying to let him know I won’t sleep with him right away and I mean it. Btw I never sent angry text. Last night he said he doesnt want to rush and if that is not what I am looking for.... so I said I was looking for a relationship but honestly, dont see us as a good fit. I was completely honest... i want a relationship but things got “too much” between us Edited March 1, 2019 by Lagoon1212
edgygirl Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Yes for sure you caused a little drama unnecessarily before you even slept together, but at the same time you did it because you felt something was off, right? Him being pushy, etc. I’m not sure if things are salvageable after things like this and the following events happen. And, you are the one who has to think what you expect out of it. For me, similar events helped me learn something - and to try to chill down in early stages and just let things happen. I’ve had something similar happen to me and although I didn’t sleep with him, I’m seeing the same signs. We can only go by what you tell us, and of course all we say is still a guess.
MaleIntuition Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 But can we consider the fact that he started pulling away before we had sex. And no it wasnt because he realized he wasnt gonna get any and was getting tired. We had a date set up at his house that coming weekend, but I was cold with him and then dumped him over the text (then kinda backtracked) and he stopped regular everyday communication. I mean, you act like you were there with me every second of our dates. I get it what you are saying but I am honestly starting to rethink my actions as well because as someone said sex and relationship are not mutually exclusive... maybe I caused too much drama trying to let him know I won’t sleep with him right away and I mean it. Btw I never sent angry text. Last night he said he doesnt want to rush and if that is not what I am looking for.... so I said I was looking for a relationship but honestly, dont see us as a good fit. I was completely honest... i want a relationship but things got “too much” between us I’m still trying to understand the timeline in this scenario. If I’m reading this correct; he was communicating with you regularly, including some thoughtful messages? Invited you on real dates 1/2 times per week? Consistently showed up and followed through on said dates and told you he was looking for something serious? On top of that he seemed to be a decent and attractive man? Then, you assumed that he couldn’t possibly be looking for something serious because the date venue was within walking distance from your home (?), and you decided (with some help from LS (ie. your past thread)) to dump him? And now you are unhappy because he is acting differently (texting less frequently) from how he did prior to you dumping him?
edgygirl Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Then, you assumed that he couldn’t possibly be looking for something serious because the date venue was within walking distance from your home (?), If it was only one instance... but seems it happened in all dates: The only thing that irked me from the beginning was him stirring ALL our dates towards sex (a bar close to my house, a proposal to come over and bring a bottle of wine, meeting me at a bar, then telling me his knee hurts and if I had ice at home, asking me to come to his place at the end of our date) 1
Author Lagoon1212 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Posted March 1, 2019 The last two posts is exactly what was going on in my head for the last two months, driving me crazy and making me going back and forth. Edgy girl and maleIntuition you are like voice of angel and devil in my head 1
frus69 Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 So you keep saying you arent interested, it's just about your ego. But its very obvious he has the power now so your ego will get bruised. He can reply whenever he wants. When you tried to tell him you don't like it, he doesn't give a damn and instead, he said "yes I forgot (What you gonna do?) Also not rushing into relationships( don't even try guilt me for not replying ) If you don't want it I understand( don't like it? You can walk)". Please dont think he was initially interested and you made him pull away. No. If he was ever interested he wouldn't have said above things. Hes telling you this is casual so stay or not, your choice. And you are staying. I can't see how it can ever be good about your ego.
frus69 Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 Also I don't understand why you keep staying when you keep saying you aren't all that interested and you aren't a good fit. 1
Author Lagoon1212 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Posted March 2, 2019 Also I don't understand why you keep staying when you keep saying you aren't all that interested and you aren't a good fit. I dont know why you think I am more invested than I am. Seriously, it was just that text that pissed me off. It was almost like he was waiting for me to reach out after sex and boost his ego (oh wow you were sooo good, I am coming back for more) but when I didnt, he reached out. And then ignored my response and a question. It is like he was looking for a way to feel he has power and control over this. Maybe that wasnt the case but certainly it felt that way.
MaleIntuition Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 You seem to take erratic decisions and I honestly don’t think this forum is a good place for you. Some posters may sound very certain and convincing while they simultaneously deals in black and whites - in absolutes. They will also give you advice purely on the information You provide and the Details that you chose to tell us about. Take all advice - mine included; with a grain of salt. Anxious people having other likeminded anxious people confirming their own worst fears is not necessarily the way to success... In my opinion you treated him pretty poorly based on assumptions. You dumped him and you’ve accused him of not being serious. It makes sense for him to change his behaviour after that. Perhaps he isn’t as serious as he was now. My final advice is that dating shouldn’t be a guessing game of trying to figure out if they like you, but you assesing whether or not You like Them. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 Also I don't understand why you keep staying when you keep saying you aren't all that interested and you aren't a good fit. Or why OP would devote this much energy to a guy she doesn't want a relationship with and/or is not a good fit? Who needs to figure out why he does what he does if he does not matter? Or is it just your ego that is bruised with his uncertainty, non-committalness to you? (note: some of which was self-inflicted by the things you said and did yourself)
Author Lagoon1212 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Posted March 2, 2019 Or why OP would devote this much energy to a guy she doesn't want a relationship with and/or is not a good fit? Who needs to figure out why he does what he does if he does not matter? Or is it just your ego that is bruised with his uncertainty, non-committalness to you? (note: some of which was self-inflicted by the things you said and did yourself) Yes, I believe it is just ego thing. I mean I liked the guy but eventually decided this is not gping anywhere and accepted it and now I am ok. I am not emotionally invested
Versacehottie Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 ok well if it's ego then it's on you to let it go. What a wasted amount of energy on someone or even trying to figure out what was meant if you 'don't care'. Take that he is physically attracted to you (obvious) and emotionally connected to you (somewhat/enough) as a compliment, ego boost and move on. When you do whatever happens happens, sometimes you get burned and your ego has potential to get bruised. Often you will never have all of the answers. Whatever happens happens means EXACTLY that. If you mean it, then live it.
Author Lagoon1212 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Posted March 2, 2019 ok well if it's ego then it's on you to let it go. What a wasted amount of energy on someone or even trying to figure out what was meant if you 'don't care'. Take that he is physically attracted to you (obvious) and emotionally connected to you (somewhat/enough) as a compliment, ego boost and move on. When you do whatever happens happens, sometimes you get burned and your ego has potential to get bruised. Often you will never have all of the answers. Whatever happens happens means EXACTLY that. If you mean it, then live it. Yes, but my ego didnt get bruised after I slept with him, it probably happened when I gave up on him, realizing that he has his mind set on having sex with me and probably nothing else. I feel the same before or after sex...
Versacehottie Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 Due respect, but if your ego isn't bruised right now, i.e. after sex, for trying to figure out what his texting means and all that, what is this thread here for? Same as all along, I don't believe you are in touch with what is going on in your head. You are saying and doing two different things: with him, with us. If it is 100% an ego thing, you are just going to have to face the fact that whatever you are is not 100% magical and compelling since he is not 100% in. Sorry, it's the truth. TBH, it's kinda annoying to go through the this process posting with someone that doesn't see themselves and their actions some level of accuracy. And if it's just a narcissistic ego boost you are looking for on here to, same. It's implausible completely that it doesn't bother you after sex because of what you have put on this thread in its entirety not just your most recent post. Since you are not right for each other, start finding someone else to take your mind off this guy. Best solution.
frus69 Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 You seem to take erratic decisions and I honestly don’t think this forum is a good place for you. Some posters may sound very certain and convincing while they simultaneously deals in black and whites - in absolutes. They will also give you advice purely on the information You provide and the Details that you chose to tell us about. Take all advice - mine included; with a grain of salt. Anxious people having other likeminded anxious people confirming their own worst fears is not necessarily the way to success... In my opinion you treated him pretty poorly based on assumptions. You dumped him and you’ve accused him of not being serious. It makes sense for him to change his behaviour after that. Perhaps he isn’t as serious as he was now. My final advice is that dating shouldn’t be a guessing game of trying to figure out if they like you, but you assesing whether or not You like Them. Not sure why you keep defending the guy. You know he tried to get sex every time they saw each other at the beginning right? Now, of course sex and love go hand in hand, but if you are genuinely interested in a woman for more than just sex, would you keep trying to have sex at every date after she shows you its not what she'd do?? I would think you would have stopped at the first date and just do proper dates after until she shows you she's ready. 1
MaleIntuition Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 Not sure why you keep defending the guy. You know he tried to get sex every time they saw each other at the beginning right? Now, of course sex and love go hand in hand, but if you are genuinely interested in a woman for more than just sex, would you keep trying to have sex at every date after she shows you its not what she'd do?? I would think you would have stopped at the first date and just do proper dates after until she shows you she's ready. Because your assessment, in my opinion, is to narrow minded and don’t account for other possibilities. Finding the right balance for when and how to escalate isn’t as easy as you make it sound - most men learn the hard way the consequences of being too passive. Yes he might have been overdoing it - but no, that information alone is not enough to conclude that he wasn’t sincere. And why do you consider the dates they had early on as not proper? According to the information provided by OP, he planned ahead of time, showed up, treated her well and she though he seemed like an overall decent guy. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 3, 2019 Posted March 3, 2019 I agree that thinking that a guy ONLY wants sex and will (or must) put up with just about anything to get it is very narrow/simple-minded. I think a lot of guys (most) do lose interest when liking the girl is more trouble than it's worth and don't see it going anywhere. The also lose interest when a girl claims one thing, does another and doesn't hold true to herself. Kind of indicating you want a relationship and subsequently acting like you are fine hooking up and don't really care is usually transparent to them. A guy also can see a girl as not right for him/not long term/not that compelling. A guy also has options in who he dates and doesn't care if sex is offered up as he can't be bothered with the shenanigans and back and forth anymore, especially if it doesn't make him feel good about himself or he doesn't respect the girl or enjoy spending time with her. oh i would add that EVEN guys who are only after sex, get sick of girls who act lame. 2
introverted1 Posted March 3, 2019 Posted March 3, 2019 I think it's entirely possible that this guy did want sex. So what? Wanting sex doesn't preclude wanting a relationship. From the sounds of it, OP rejected him in the beginning and then, by the time she decided to have sex with him, he had already cooled off. Now, he's decided not to pursue her. Maybe the sex was bad. Maybe he didn't like the games she played. Who knows? Rather than trying to analyse him, I think the bigger question is why OP is so hung up on understanding a guy she claims to have no interest in. 1
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