ImNewToAllThis19 Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 Hello all, guess I'll get started right away. My girlfriend is an extremely shy person and we're sorta long distance, bout 2 hours apart. Here's the major reason why she's so shy. She's had a prior relationship which was abusive and caused her to be very submissive and very quiet. Before her abusive relationship, she was a very different girl, wasn't as shy, went out with friends to concerts and the like. At this point in our relationship, she's comfortable talking to me, but when more serious topics come around she tends to get quiet and send me messages for what she was gonna say. I need help with how do I get her to be comfortable with talking to me about serious topics? I have a feeling it'll just come with time, but who am I to say?
Juha Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 You have a long, tough road to go with this woman because of her past. Is she in therapy for this prior relationship? If not then she needs to be. Your gf has issues from this past relationship that need to be worked through and fixed. Your job is not to fix her, support her and be there for her but I can guarantee it will be a long and difficult road. She should not be in a relationship to be honest. You will have to deal with all her issues from this past relationship, you will be sacrificing your life and happiness for this woman. It will be a very frustrating relationship and she may never get back to who she was before. Honestly you should let her go to work on herself so she can get back to being healthy and who she was before you. You will also be making your life much better and happier. Free to meet someone who does not have these issues. Believe me you will be better off with a healthy woman. I wish you luck
Kelliousme Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 Your job is not to fix her, support her and be there for her but I can guarantee it will be a long and difficult road. She should not be in a relationship to be honest. You will also be making your life much better and happier. Free to meet someone who does not have these issues. Believe me you will be better off with a healthy woman. I have to disagree with this. Yes, people can change after getting involved in an abusive relationship. It's understandable. We don't know how long ago that relationship was so I don't want to assume that she hasn't gotten over it yet. Some things stay with us forever and our experiences shape us. I'm just thankful she's not toxic, aggressive, abusive, or depressed. I mean the only problem I see here is that she's shy/quiet and tends to retreat to texting when she's faced with problematic serious relationship issues. BUT, hey at least she's still willing to have some sort of conversation with you right? If she became aggressive, abusive, and depressed due to her past toxic relationship.. then sure I agree that you should leave this woman because she's not "healthy". But from what you're describing now, it's not that big of a problem to me. It might take longer for her to get more comfortable like you said. If you care about her, just give her time. 1
Tacticalegg Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 If you want her to get comfortable around you just keep playing th game and eventually she will trust you I'm dating a very shy girl for the first time too but just keep going and eventually they trust you it is also the same they are more willing to be vulnerable over text rather than in person
preraph Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 You can't fix her. It's above your paygrade. She's going to need therapy and the truth is she may never be quite the same, but with therapy hopefully she will function again. 1
smackie9 Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 The reality is, this will move at HER pace, not yours. It may work out, or it may not. I say, she's just not ready. Being in a relationship is not her answer neither. So you want to stick it out, you are going to have to let her call the shots and not pressure her.
preraph Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 Trauma changes you forever. It cripples many, but some adjust better than others and just keep putting one foot ahead of the other, and some don't. It's beyond your control. She needs to work on herself. And honestly, I think you said it's long-distance, so doesn't sound likely to work out anyway unless I missed something about you two have plans to move to the same place or something.
Tacticalegg Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 Letting her go is the easy thing to do but it depends if you think she is worth working for
FerDeLance Posted February 28, 2019 Posted February 28, 2019 You know what, ImNewToAllThis19, just love her. Just love her. That is easier than done, of course. It seems to me that your only concern is her difficulty in verbally communicating certain difficult topics. Maybe that’s how she is. You might be a more verbal person but she could be a more visual person, and she wants to review and go over and over what she wanted to say. I am just like that. I commonly mess up difficult conversations when I have not prepared and then say things verbally. I forget certain points and some are not clear. What can I do, that is how I am wired. So I write it down and with a list of talking points, I talk to the person. Or send an email or text that I have gone over several times. Just love her.
kendahke Posted March 1, 2019 Posted March 1, 2019 Be aware of being overwhelmed by her needs. She needs a therapist more than she needs a new boyfriend if she's got issues from her past that are impacting her directly in the present.
Foxhall Posted March 2, 2019 Posted March 2, 2019 Just be patient on this. A shy person needs someone to be supportive and help them along. don't be too hasty rushing a person too much, this girl will open up in time but you need to be prepared to wait and let her open up gradually in her own time, you need to be a support for her, she needs someone that she can learn to trust and feel safe with long term.
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