trying to be friends with ex...

[isabellaraviv]

My ex and I broke up in the beginning of Feb. because of a gross misunderstanding of something that occured and because the relationship was getting so serious it was scaring him, and we were long distance and in the end it is my ex's fault. He dumped me, dated someone else rather quickly (very rebound, they didn't last long) and told me at first we might date again, but about a month after our break-up, he assured me that even though at one point he was desperately in love with me, he had moved on and we would never date again, but he would like to keep me as a close friend. This really surprised me because he doesn't really easily let go of things. He harbors things for a LONG time. He said he wanted to be friends with all of his exes....so he wanted me to take my time and come back and tell him when we could be friends.

 

Now, he has moved closer to where I am (not for me, for something else) and we see each other everyday. I have communicated to him that since the break-up I have changed a lot and if we hang out we DO risk falling for each other again, but the risk is now very tiny because I have changed so much. i told him I was glad we broke up. He addressed everything I told him, except being friends, how I had changed or that the break-up was a good thing.

 

Now that I see him everyday, he always seems very excited to see me and apparently a lot of people I don't even know know a lot about the situation through him which makes me wonder what he tells them (as in people he knows that I don't know knew me in relation to having dated him at one point and one of them even said they had heard quite a bit about me through him). He wanted to sit with me at this concert and I have sat and talked to him for large amounts of time, but nothing to do with "being friends", etc.

 

So last week I sent him a note saying it would be really cool if we could hang out again because I miss him as a friend and I don't think we're going to fall for each other if we just hang out as friends and if he's worried about "leading me on", he doesn't need to be. I got no response...well so far.

 

I then gave him a card on his birthday that just said "Happy birthday" and nothing else. I saw him the next day and he talked to me (initiated by him), but didn't mention anything about a thank you or an anything, which is VERY unlike him to just ignore something from someone unless there is a reason behind it.

 

I asked some mutual friends if he just doesn't care about me and they said he has never expressed how he feels about me in terms of as friends or romantically to them, but he has expressed that he still cares about me and likes me as a person. I know he harbors guilty feelings quite a bit...so maybe he feels guilty about what happened, i don't know.

 

So what is going on here? Are we never going to be friends again? Does he just not want anything to do with me? Was asking to be friends the wrong thing to do? Does he think I have ulterior motives and is staying away from me or is he just upset that I'm not expressing my undying love for him, is that what he wants? I can't tell. I mean I know I should give him space, but I can't tell WHY...and it really bothers me. I have tried to get him to open up by telling him exactly how I feel about the situation and I wasn't told anything in return.

 

And of course people are going to say "Why does it matter?", but it does because he was so incredibly important to me that now that we are in this situation, I don't want to just lose him completely. We had always said we would be friends if we broke up, so why aren't we?

 

And am I so unimportant that he can be friends with all of his exes but not me?

[In Sync]

You don't need all the head games. If you've moved on successfully, don't play with your own psyche. Be grateful that he was in your life, and cherish what you had. Let go and breathe easier without spending endless hours wondering what's in in head and what he thinks your intentions are. Its pointless. You may care for him, but you can't force a friendship. AND what if you two start up again....is that a secret hope. You may tell yourself that's not what you want, but come on..we all know how to lie to ourselves even when we think we are not.

[isabellaraviv]

i mean i'm not ruling it out, but at this point I think I've become such a different person, it wouldn't even be possible.

 

I guess I just don't understand where he's coming from.

 

It just hurts because we WERE LDR and we're LD anymore so maintaing a friendship is not hard at all, yet somehow he can't do it when not that long ago he was begging me to stay his friend and told me to take my time and let him know when I was ready. And now that I am...I don't know what HIS problem is.

[Okeydokey]

Hi,

 

It occurs to me that he might think that you guys already ARE friends the way it is. If you guys were LDR then you might not have known him as much as you think you did. His idea of friendship might be different from yours. For example, I feel like I only have 2 FRIENDS in this world even though I know lots of people and always have a different group to hang out with always. But a friend is someone you trust completely. A friend is someone that if they called you out of the blue and said help me move out this weekend. You would do it and not even feel annoyed by having to move someone else's crap just because you enjoy your friend's company so much. But, my ex has a weird view of friendship. In his world anybody you talk to is your friend. He is "friends" with his ex... they talk once every six months. To me that is not friends. To him it is. It seems to me that this guy probably already thinks you 2 are friends again, he doesn't understand that you are asking for a response to these cards and letters, and has no idea that you are stressing about not getting one. The question is, are you willing to accept friendship on his terms, based on his definition of it? If not, then don't consider it a friendship, and don't expect anything more. Just be polite when he calls and realize he is not a friend, but an acquaintance - according to YOUR definition.

[isabellaraviv]

hmmm, well I guess this COULD be true, but his other ex-girlfriends he sees on a regular basis and hangs out with them.

 

We weren't LDR for the entire relationship, only the second half of it, so I know his idea of friendship is a little different and he is always very selective on whom he calls friends.

 

When he wanted to set the terms for friendship before, it involved calling frequently, hanging out, etc. and I told him that was out until i was ready. But now that I am more ready, he's seeming to shy away. He also acts extremely uncomfortable around me and I can't figure out why because I haven't done anything weird or awkward and when we talk, he is the one who is awkward.

 

So yeah, I pretty much KNOW this isn't a friendship. If it were a friendship with him, it would be different.

 

And he's not impolite. If anyone else had given him a card, he would have said thank you. He's the type to make thank you cards for people. I however get the shaft.

[isabellaraviv]

there is also no need to blush and act funny when you're talking to someone you're "friends" with.

[bendit]

It won't work. Well let me amend that. The odds

are heavily against being able to have a satisfying

friendship with an ex you were once intimate with.

You are asking for a whirlwind of emotions if you

do and that mental energy could be used to move

you along to where you want to go in life.

 

Regads

 

Mike

[isabellaraviv]

i thought about the "he already thinks you're friends" theory, and that doesn't wash because of some of the things I addressed him in that letter.

 

It may not work, but I would like to give it a shot because I do know of people who were in this same situation and it worked well. I think it can work if neither has feelings for the other and he said he always wanted to stay friends...so...what's the problem?